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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be concerned about these sleeping arrangements?

342 replies

ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 21:13

DS 8 and DD 11. Contact order in place for the next four days to be at exh house. Exh is working so he has his brother staying over to look after the DC. DC have met uncle on a handful of occasions.

It's a two bedroom house. DC each have their own rooms and exh sleeps on the sofa in a sleeping bag permanently Hmm. Therefore, with uncle staying, both of the adults will be sleeping in the lounge. The bathroom is accessed by walking through the lounge.

DD says she is not happy to be spending all weekend with a stranger. She hates contact at the best of times but I'm really concerned about the actual arrangements in place. It's a stupid time of year to be able to even do anything about it. Any advice on legalities?

OP posts:
SarcasmMode · 29/12/2016 21:42

Is the ex working nights or just the day?

I agree if the ex is working long hours and they don't know uncle it's like being looked after by a stranger.

purplefizz26 · 29/12/2016 21:42

She has her own bedroom, and the bathroom will be empty when she uses it. She will have to walk past her dad and uncle to use it? And?
That such a none issue.
Your family are being hysterical 'going mad' about it.

I can see why your DD would be unhappy at having a contact weekend with limited contact with her actual Dad, it seems pointless, she should have the option to spend another weekend there when he will actually be around.

MsMarvel · 29/12/2016 21:43

Can you explain your concern about your (assuming) fully clothed dd (whether that's pjs and dressing gown or clothes) walking through a room with two fully clothed (again pjs etc etc) in it to get to a bathroom that she can lock?

What makes during the night any more concerning than during the day?

HermioneJeanGranger · 29/12/2016 21:43

Sorry, but unless they're in danger, it's nothing to do with you.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/12/2016 21:45

Your family are being hysterical 'going mad' about it.

I agree and probably stoking the feelings of your DD.

She will have her own bedroom and use of the bathroom. I am failing to see the issue.

SSYMONDS · 29/12/2016 21:46

I honestly have no experience of these things, but I think it's mad that your kids have to go and stay with someone they hardly know. Can't you ask to move the dates until their dad is there? I can't see the point of contact if it's with someone other their dad?

ShockedWithKnobsOn · 29/12/2016 21:47

'My family have gone mad that I am allowing contact in these circumstances'

Your family are either stirring trouble, or being very silly. In either case don't rise to it. There is nothing wrong with those arrangements.

SteppingOnToes · 29/12/2016 21:47

I do not see any problem with the sleeping arrangements and her dad's family will always be 'stangers' unless good relationships are fostered...

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 21:50

I'm not the one who can or cannot foster good relationships. There is no reason why more time can't usually be spent with uncle but they choose not to, thus they remain a stranger.

OP posts:
TwoGunslingers · 29/12/2016 21:53

This is a bit odd tbf, they'll be with their dad and uncle. Unless she's planning to "hit puberty" this weekend I have no clue what the issue is. He's her father, unless you have a reason to think he isn't capable of safeguarding the children this is daft and you should try not to feed into your daughters hysteria about it, just reassure her she will be fine, and if you're really worried maybe get her a cheap mobile so she can call you if she's having "girl problems". The men won't be idiots, and if you've been through court to get these arrangements dad won't be doing anything to jeopardise the situation. Unless she has a bathroom in her room at your house she will presumably be faced with a situation where she may have to walk past someone in your home at some point? No?

SteppingOnToes · 29/12/2016 21:53

I'm not the one who can or cannot foster good relationships. There is no reason why more time can't usually be spent with uncle but they choose not to, thus they remain a stranger.

Who chooses not to?

creakyknees13 · 29/12/2016 21:54

The legalities are that you have a court order, so if you do not make the children available for contact as stipulated, you will be in contempt of court and may be fined or imprisoned as a worst case scenario. If you feel that contact should not go ahead, you need to restore the matter to court urgently (which is very unlikely to happen before the new year) and get the court to suspend the order in the interim until the issue could be resolved. If I was a judge hearing the case, I would tell you and your ex to stop wasting my time so that I could hear the cases where children are being abused and neglected and are at risk of severe harm. The cases that are getting delayed because some parents look for the tiniest little excuse to stop contact.

Unless you are now going to drip-feed and tell us that the uncle is a convicted rapist or something. Give her a dressing-gown fgs.

Jaxhog · 29/12/2016 21:55

Why not talk to your DD, and ask what exactly concerns her. Discuss her concerns with your Ex also (he should know). Then agree some coping mechanisms for her e.g. always wear a dressing gown if she has to get up in the night etc.

Ultimately it's up to your ex to make her feel safe though.

TwoGunslingers · 29/12/2016 21:56

creaky that's a great point ☝️

AliceInUnderpants · 29/12/2016 21:57

Is 'they' the uncle, or the uncle and the father?

TwoGunslingers · 29/12/2016 21:57

I think things like "always wear a dressing gown" etc are going to foster a mindset of suspicion in her, which may lead her to seeing ghosts where there are none. But whatever helps I guess Smile

ChocoChou · 29/12/2016 21:57

Op, you are BU. I think the responses here agree with that.
You clearly want to find a reason to stop contact and I guess your DD can sense this and this is probably causing her to be anxious about the whole thing. It seems as though her dad has gone out of his way to ensure she has her own privacy (room to herself) at personal 'cost' (he and brother sleeping on the sofa) and ensuring brother is around to watch them while he unfortunately has to go to work.
It really is none of your business as long as there isn't a legitimate safe guarding concern

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 21:58

Exh's family choose not to. They never visit and there is no reason why not.

Neither I or my family have encouraged any kind of hysteria but I do feel that she should be listened to by her mother when she is uncomfortable with a situation.

For her last menstrual period she was at exh house and he refused to provide any supplies or medication, despite DD calling me sobbing and me texting exh and being told he knew what he was doing.

At my house, she only has to wander around near me and her brother, past closed bedroom doors to the bathroom next to her bedroom. That's a massive difference.

OP posts:
SarcasmMode · 29/12/2016 22:02

Is he period due?

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2016 22:02

Would he swap days? You need to provide her with pills/San pro as her cycle is unlikely to be regular currently. If he does not provide her with supplies/basic necessities, talk to your social worker or go back to court to discuss contact arrangements again.

GreenAndWinter · 29/12/2016 22:02

There was a sensible suggestion earlier in the thread: both children stay in one room and the uncle has the other.

I slept on the sofa for a year so that my children could have their own beds. I know it's not ideal, but we don't all live in perfect environments. Children are secure and happy when they are loved and appreciated and kept safe. The sleeping arrangements aren't that important in the general scheme of things.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 22:03

Still unpredictable at present poor girl. Hormones are not helping the issue.

OP posts:
PeachBellini123 · 29/12/2016 22:05

I'm confused. Give her some pads/tampons if she's due her period. Otherwise maybe reassure her that she'll have plenty of privacy with a seperate room. I'm assuming there's a lock on the bathroom door?

I can't really see what she is worried about..

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 22:05

He doesn't provide supplies, medication or even bras. Anything I provide from my house is thrown away. I cannot return to court for this.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 29/12/2016 22:05

The refusal to provide Sanpro is key to why she doesn't want to go, why not mention that in the first post?

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