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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about these sleeping arrangements?

342 replies

ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 21:13

DS 8 and DD 11. Contact order in place for the next four days to be at exh house. Exh is working so he has his brother staying over to look after the DC. DC have met uncle on a handful of occasions.

It's a two bedroom house. DC each have their own rooms and exh sleeps on the sofa in a sleeping bag permanently Hmm. Therefore, with uncle staying, both of the adults will be sleeping in the lounge. The bathroom is accessed by walking through the lounge.

DD says she is not happy to be spending all weekend with a stranger. She hates contact at the best of times but I'm really concerned about the actual arrangements in place. It's a stupid time of year to be able to even do anything about it. Any advice on legalities?

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemilton · 02/01/2017 20:26

Physical injuries to me = lying to make him seem bad in order to stop contact

Assaulted in front of DC = emotionally abusive to encourage child to collide with me

Physical injuries to child = emotional abusive to take child to the police to be interviewed

Photos from child of unfit house = emotionally abusive to allow child to send photos, thus implying to child there is something wrong

Setting up alternative drop off point = abusive to child to suggest there is a danger or a need to do this

Other mums reporting bruises/texts/photos to nspcc = obviously I did this in their names/made them do it

Texting DD while at contact = purposely destroying contact

Taking DC out for nice days on my weekends = doing it on purpose to make his weekends seem bad

No one believes a word I say

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 21:19

ilovemilton I really hope your dd will sue whichever body is making her have this contact, when it finally ends. It seems the professionals have all had a total lapse in common sense.

"Physical injuries to child = emotional abusive to take child to the police to be interviewed"

Did the police do nothing?

It is a very sad thing when people do not believe a child that they are being abused, I thought we had got beyond this. Angry

Original poster
ilovemilton · 02/01/2017 21:22

Same as with everyone else, whenever the police interview him, he tells them I hate him and am making things up on purpose to stop him seeing his kids. They don't press charges and my witnesses aren't impartial. (How can they be, in my own house?!)

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 22:07

It sounds like he is a bit of a charmer, who does not look like the type to be awful. I know that sometimes people can appear that way. I hope very soon the kids will be beyond his evil ways.

pklme · 02/01/2017 22:18

Sorry Milton for the awful treatment you have had from the authorities, and for the situation you are all in now. And extra sorries for the goady argumentative comments a few people have made. You've been very patient, ignoring them.

Gooseysgirl · 02/01/2017 22:57

Glad you're kids are home again safe and well! Smile

Absofrigginlootly · 02/01/2017 23:05

Yes I agree.... you have shown great grace rising above the goady/hairy posters.

I hope the legal advice you have received in your pms will help you and your children out of this abusive mess. You all deserve better and it's so depressing to read that times haven't changed anywhere as near as much as they should have. And that the authorities are still letting children down so badly Sad

Flowers for you OP

Grilledaubergines · 02/01/2017 23:39

OP this is such a dreadful situation. I really feel for you.

Can I just ask a couple of questions (and I'm truly sorry if I offend anyone, not my intention but I have very little knowledge of this type of situation so am genuinely just wondering).

  1. The courts/agencies seem to be being very one-sided against you. Is there any history of anything happening between you and children (not sure what at all but just feel that their inability to deal with this in a reasonable and balanced way is appalling and so worrying for people in your situation.)
  1. Do you trust (the fact that your ex is an arsehoke aside) him around your daughter? I ask this purely because you said he is basically in denial about his daughter becoming a young woman, stating it's not possible she could have periods yet. As though he wants her to remain a young girl. I'm so sorry to ask but it's just that this stood out to me and rang alarm bells.

I really hope that you find strength to pursue this awful situation and that someone will actually take heed of what you and your daughter are saying.

cestlavielife · 02/01/2017 23:44

You need to focus on the sanpro issue and have dd raise it at scool so they raise safeguarding again.
That is the issue not the uncle

cestlavielife · 02/01/2017 23:44

School not scool

Original poster
ilovemilton · 02/01/2017 23:45

No offence taken. It's frustratingly one sided.

  1. No history
  2. Nothing sexual no. I don't trust him physically, emotionally or that his house is safe. I just wonder what actually needs to / will happen before anyone listens.
OP posts:
cestlavielife · 02/01/2017 23:46

Now dd has periods and is adolescent safeguarding should wake up more...if school refer on then stop contact. You are strong enough to fight for dd and she is older now too.

cestlavielife · 02/01/2017 23:48

Has dd told school safeguarding about her periods at his house ? She needs to. It s lack of dignity and abusive.

cestlavielife · 02/01/2017 23:49

You can easily prove she has periods if ypu need to...

0dfod · 02/01/2017 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grilledaubergines · 02/01/2017 23:52

Thank you for answering OP.

Yes, are school aware of the situation in any depth? Enough to engage with any of these agencies?

cestlavielife · 03/01/2017 00:00

Is dd in secondary school ? Or still primary ?
If secondary then school counsellor or safeguarding officer will be well versed and know the system and be clued up on the issues around adolescent girls etc .
I know you said you have gone that route before but her age and maturity now will count more plus if she says that he outright refuses to help her with Sanpro or painkillers during a period. That he thrown sanitary towels in the bin etc.

Getting safeguarding involved when dd was 14 finally triggered reports etc dd now 16 has not had contact since then ...it was what she told ds etc that counted. Now your dd is older and going thru puberty they should listen up.

cestlavielife · 03/01/2017 00:00

What she told ss...

BorrowedHearts · 03/01/2017 17:37

Just want to point out that ignoring everything else the father has said or done, those of you having a go because he is working, what if you were working while the children are in your care are you supposed to stop so you can spend time with them? If he needs to work to pay for food and heat etc then he has to work. He seems awful from the rest of the stuff said but that alone shouldn't result in saying he is a bad father.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 03/01/2017 17:43

I think the point is that he could have just left them at home, instead of forcing them to have contact against their will, just for the sake of it, when he wasn't there.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 03/01/2017 17:47

Yes, working 43 hours in 4 days while the children are on holiday for Xmas demonstrates that he couldn't give a flying fuck about the children. If he had given a fuck about them, he would have let them stay at home. HTH

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2017 18:56

BorrowedHearts nothing the OP has said about the children's father remotely makes him sound like anything other than an utter shit. The fact he forces his daughter to visit in spite of the fact he is not even there seems further evidence this is not about the well being of the kids.

I hope the OP's daughter sues him and every evil official who has forced her to spend time against her will at his home.
If I could not look after my kids due to work

I'd let my ex (if I had one) continue to care for our kids instead of bringing in a virtual stranger. Working is not the problem.

cestlavielife · 03/01/2017 20:05

But booking a baby sitter and a relative is not abusive per se.
But if a foster carer refused their teenage charge sanitary towels they would be rightly pulled up.

Aibu to leave dc with their uncle when j go to work ...not really

Ai bu to tell dd she can't have Sanitary towels as she is not 8 stone yet so her periods are not real and aibu to make her use tissues in her pants if there is blood?

Absolute unreasonable degrading and cruel..is she having yo show him bloodied knickers to get him to see?

There is a lot of stuff about girls needing dad's as they grow up bla
Bla bla but you now have yet more concrete evidence how this relationship is damaging to dd...hopefully you get a female judge who has a clue.

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2017 20:34

cestlavielife I a not sure what you mean.

"But booking a baby sitter and a relative is not abusive per se." I don't think anyone is saying it is. Honestly. But a babysitter does not normally come and sleep on your couch and stay for four days and look after your kids, do they? Babysitters are usually professional childcare experts' like a member of nursery staff or a person from an agency or more likely they are friends/relatives, known to you and the children. This man is a relative but actually a relative stranger.

It's true that this could be seen as a minor thing compared to throwing away her sanitary items, etc. But I think it is all part of the same thing, forcing her to be there even when he is not, because he can!

"Aibu to leave dc with their uncle when j go to work ...not really" Well, if your kids know uncle John, fine. But these kids do not. And presumably if you could leave your kids with their birth parent who they know and love instead of a distant uncle, then you would. Unless you were only having the kids over to score points against your ex!

But I do agree with you when you say "There is a lot of stuff about girls needing dad's as they grow up bla Bla bla but you now have yet more concrete evidence how this relationship is damaging to dd...hopefully you get a female judge who has a clue."

I hope so too but not all women are pro women some are just as misogynistic as men!

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2017 20:35

Not sure where uncle John came from, except I have an uncle John!

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