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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about these sleeping arrangements?

342 replies

ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 21:13

DS 8 and DD 11. Contact order in place for the next four days to be at exh house. Exh is working so he has his brother staying over to look after the DC. DC have met uncle on a handful of occasions.

It's a two bedroom house. DC each have their own rooms and exh sleeps on the sofa in a sleeping bag permanently Hmm. Therefore, with uncle staying, both of the adults will be sleeping in the lounge. The bathroom is accessed by walking through the lounge.

DD says she is not happy to be spending all weekend with a stranger. She hates contact at the best of times but I'm really concerned about the actual arrangements in place. It's a stupid time of year to be able to even do anything about it. Any advice on legalities?

OP posts:
creakyknees13 · 29/12/2016 22:06

For her last menstrual period she was at exh house and he refused to provide any supplies or medication, despite DD calling me sobbing and me texting exh and being told he knew what he was doing

Drip-feed. That's pretty extreme. Why the hell did you not include that in your OP? Surely that would be the reason she doesn't want to go rather than some crap about having to walk through a room to go to the bathroom? If that indeed happened, I still think you would be on very shaky ground to breach a contact order, but you might want to think about bringing an application to vary in the future, but I am quite skeptical, as I think that info would definitely have been included in your OP had it taken place.

CommunionHelp · 29/12/2016 22:06

There is an inconsistency on MN about what children feel and how much that should be respected. Sometimes it seems the should be ignored completely

Absolutely this. A slew of comments, all trying to be more baffled by the last that you should be in the least bit concerned about your daughter's worries.

If she's worried, then acknowledge it with her and try to soothe her fears. I get where you're coming from, but legally, there's little you can do.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 22:07

The bathroom door is an unlockable sliding door that divides it from the kitchen. Firstly, she refuses to touch it because it is so dirty and secondly, I don't think that really aids privacy.

OP posts:
PeachBellini123 · 29/12/2016 22:07

Ah OP that really is a drip-feed! Not providing anything and removing things you've provided is not okay.

HeddaGarbled · 29/12/2016 22:08

The sleeping arrangements aren't the problem. Make sure she has a dressing gown in case she wants to go to the loo in the middle of the night.

The problem is that they will be left during the day with an uncle whom they barely know. I can understand why your daughter isn't happy about this.

However, the fact that the uncle has agreed to childmind to enable this contact to go ahead, suggests that he isn't a bad person. Perhaps this is an opportunity for him and the children to get to know each other a little bit. It's possible that they will get on OK.

The contact is court ordered and there's no suggestion of risk of harm to justify you preventing it. Reassure your daughter, make sure she's got her phone and knows she can phone you if she needs to, but don't encourage her to unnecessarily.

If there are genuine concerns coming out of this visit, you will have to go back to court, I'm afraid.

123yourusername · 29/12/2016 22:09

my child wouldn't be getting left with a stranger, no. Court order or no court order- I decide what's best for my child nobody else, whether that's father or a random person from court.

frazzlebedazzle · 29/12/2016 22:09

It's completely understandable that your daughter has reservations about being in the full time care of someone for all that time, when she's only met them a few times.

As someone says above, it's not 'rude' (whether they are related to her father or not) it's just how she feels. At 11, she's absolutely old enough that her views about contact are likely to be one of the if not the deciding factor, if before a court.

However, you would be expected to encourage the contact and do what you can to support it, at least in the presence of your daughter - ie. do not let any of your own (or your family's) anxieties show when speaking with your daughter.

If you need to, can you discuss the concerns with the father away from your daughter, if you have some sort of communication channel? I think the emphasis would be on your daughter's concerns - agree your family's views are irrelevant, possibly even unhelpful.

Practically, it does seem silly to have contact when he wont be around but I appreciate he's probably limited to this time in her Xmas hols...

The supplies thing is ridiculous, she needs to be able to have her own things with her. No wonder she's feeling anxious if that's something she's aware of Confused

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/12/2016 22:09

Court order or no court order- I decide what's best for my child nobody else

Not just your child though is it.

Lorelei76 · 29/12/2016 22:10

This is awful though I suspect some will have missed the extra info

If he won't allow her San pro how is he allowed access? If you don't send them, I guess he will try to take you to court again? What about temporarily lying and saying you have a noro outbreak? But long term she should not be with him at all.

MsMarvel · 29/12/2016 22:10

Of course...

AIBU?

Everyone : yes.

Op: ok I'll throw in a massive drip feed to justify why I'm being so unreasonable.

1horatio · 29/12/2016 22:10

For her last menstrual period she was at exh house and he refused to provide any supplies or medication, despite DD calling me sobbing and me texting exh and being told he knew what he was doing

If that's the case I wouldn't send her.

I mean, I myself wasn't allowed to take pain medication as a kid (and my periods where the horrible, vomiting kind and I got them when I was quite young....). So, I wouldn't do that to anybody else.
And of course she needs supplies.

Not sure about the bras however. Why is he throwing those away?

creakyknees13 · 29/12/2016 22:10

Absolutely this. A slew of comments, all trying to be more baffled by the last that you should be in the least bit concerned about your daughter's worries

It's a little bit different when you have a court order in place though. It's a very serious matter breaching it. Additionally, some resident parents will listen to every single little reluctance from their dc as to why they don't want to go to contact. The order will have been made presumably after a full investigation into the dc's welfare. Most of the time, when dc have worries, it is the job of the parent to reassure them, not fan the flames.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 22:10

Not trying to drip feed but if I tried to include all that has happened in the last four years we would be here forever.

She absolutely hates contact at the best of times, for a million reasons. But I did have alarm bells when she started to tell me about her worries about this weekend. Surely we should listen to these worries. Dismiss her now and what won't she tell me in the future?!

OP posts:
ChocoChou · 29/12/2016 22:12

creaky I too am quite skeptical. Especially now as OP mentions bathroom door doesn't even lock.
OP, if this is true why wasn't it mentioned in your first post? Thats more of a concern imo...

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 29/12/2016 22:13

But what can you do OP? Breaking the contact order will make you look bad in front of the court

category12 · 29/12/2016 22:13

If she doesn't want to go, I wouldn't make her.

creakyknees13 · 29/12/2016 22:13

Court order or no court order- I decide what's best for my child nobody else

Did you conceive without the assistance of another human being? Miraculous.

Also, no, you do not decide. The court has jurisdiction to decide if you can't agree with the other parent. If you don't like that, there are sanctions that they can impose.

sweetkitty · 29/12/2016 22:14

Would your exH really go through his 11 year olds bag and throw her sanpro out?

PovertyJetset · 29/12/2016 22:16

I don't know what to tell you in terms of what will happen if your children don't go, but in your position I would be doing my best to not have dd go.

Will this have HUGE ramifications in court?

What a difficult situation for you.

Do you have to have contact. Can't they just not go? Let him take you to court?

creakyknees13 · 29/12/2016 22:16

creaky I too am quite skeptical. Especially now as OP mentions bathroom door doesn't even lock

Yeah, it's ludicrous and gets more extreme with each post. Surely this would all have been in the OP if true? Also, after the period-incident, why did she not immediately make an application to court to vary, rather than waiting until it's time to go again and then start talking about the uncle being a 'stranger'?

ChuckSnowballs · 29/12/2016 22:16

If he isn't there, how is this contact time? Can it not be postponed until he is not working?

ChocoChou · 29/12/2016 22:17

Court order or no court order- I decide what's best for my child nobody else

I'll echo a PP, it's not just your child though. Also, whats probably best for your child is to spend time with their father, assuming he's a decent human being (as OP's ex sounds....). Good luck going against a court order anyway Hmm

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 22:17

Yes. As he does with any clothes, toys, school letters...

I didn't mention the locking door because of all the points I actually thought you would think that was a petty one.

Not intentionally drip feeding, but thoughts recurring after people ask questions.

No intention of stopping contact. I never have.

OP posts:
AliceInUnderpants · 29/12/2016 22:18

Not trying to drip feed but if I tried to include all that has happened in the last four years we would be here forever.

Yet it was important to mention they sleep in sleepingbags?

Not buying it, at all. You don't think it's important to mention that the bathroom door does not lock, and that he throws out her belongings and will not allow her to use sanpro? At least not until everyone disagrees with you Hmm

ChocoChou · 29/12/2016 22:19

Would your exH really go through his 11 year olds bag and throw her sanpro out?

yea how did this come about?! Thats very strange and should have sent you running for the courts straight away

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