Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about these sleeping arrangements?

342 replies

ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 21:13

DS 8 and DD 11. Contact order in place for the next four days to be at exh house. Exh is working so he has his brother staying over to look after the DC. DC have met uncle on a handful of occasions.

It's a two bedroom house. DC each have their own rooms and exh sleeps on the sofa in a sleeping bag permanently Hmm. Therefore, with uncle staying, both of the adults will be sleeping in the lounge. The bathroom is accessed by walking through the lounge.

DD says she is not happy to be spending all weekend with a stranger. She hates contact at the best of times but I'm really concerned about the actual arrangements in place. It's a stupid time of year to be able to even do anything about it. Any advice on legalities?

OP posts:
creakyknees13 · 29/12/2016 22:19

Will this have HUGE ramifications in court?

Depends on the history of the case and whether the OP has form for trying to prevent contact. It would certainly not be looked upon favourably. If she wants to vary the order, she needs to apply to do so properly rather than breaching it. I am shocked that if the thing about the sanitary protection is true, that she has done nothing up until now.

AliceInUnderpants · 29/12/2016 22:20

No intention of stopping contact. I never have.

Then what is the point of your post?

I tell you what, if my ex was not allowing my daughter to wear underwear and use sanpro, I'd be stopping contact. Maybe her father is not the only risk, if you think that's ok?

CommunionHelp · 29/12/2016 22:21

Yeah, it's ludicrous and gets more extreme with each post. Surely this would all have been in the OP if true?

Have you flagged up your concerns to MNHQ? Because I think that's pretty much the right way to go about it.

OP, I have absolutely no idea why you're getting some awful hostility on this thread. God knows this isn't the worse drip feed even today. I hope you can resolve things and your daughter feels suitably supported.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 22:22

I have no intention of stopping contact as I know the ramifications. Do you not think it upsets me to put my daughter through this every week?
I've never broken the order but after years in court I can't face or afford to return. And this came to light today, so I can't do anything about it.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 29/12/2016 22:22

You're being ridiculous. She has her own room and the bathroom is a private space. Your ex can pick his own babysitters.

frazzlebedazzle · 29/12/2016 22:23

The op hadn't said she will be breaching the court order, she's stating her daughter's anxieties about contact. It's up to dd if she goes.

Obviously there are issues and they need to be raised with the dad in order to resolve them (through whatever channel you prefer op, so long as it's not your dd). It's not court or nothing.

What's the obsession with shouting dripfeed, it's just a bit more information Confused

ChasedByBees · 29/12/2016 22:24

I would be worried too but legally you will be in a difficult position of you don't allow this to go ahead. I think your best option is coping mechanisms.

Naïve question - At what point (legally) do your DD's opinions become relevant? 11 seems old enough to know her own mind.

creakyknees13 · 29/12/2016 22:24

He doesn't provide supplies, medication or even bras. Anything I provide from my house is thrown away. I cannot return to court for this

That's bull. Unless an order has been made preventing you from making any applications to vary the order, you can return to court at any time. And surely you would if your daughter was forced to ensure a period with no protection whatsoever?

forwhom · 29/12/2016 22:26

So now you tell us he throws away her pads and tampons and won't. It her any. So he basically he makes her walk around bleeding?

That sounds highly unlikely and if it is true then you should have said that at the start instead of drip feeding us now.

If the above is true then obviously you need to do something about it.

AliceInUnderpants · 29/12/2016 22:26

And this came to light today, so I can't do anything about it.
For her last menstrual period she was at exh house and he refused to provide any supplies or medication, despite DD calling me sobbing and me texting exh and being told he knew what he was doing.

I assume her 'last menstrual period' wasn't today?

creakyknees13 · 29/12/2016 22:27

Naïve question - At what point (legally) do your DD's opinions become relevant? 11 seems old enough to know her own mind

The court takes into account the wishes and feelings of the child dependent on the child's age and maturity. There is no set age- I have seen 8 yo wishes taken into account for example (family law solicitor). A mature 11 yo's strong wishes would certainly carry significant weight. But the correct route is to restore the matter to court to vary the order, not breach it.

Patriciathestripper1 · 29/12/2016 22:28

Bunk beds in one room for the dc and bunk beds in other room for dad and uncle prob solved.
Or dad on couch, uncle in room.

sweetkitty · 29/12/2016 22:28

no wonder your DD doesn't want to go she's probably worried about bleeding over the chairs with an uncle she hardly knows present.

I know nothing about court orders etc but I would be stopping visits unless this issue gets resolved your poor DD her own father is throwing out her personal possessions and not allowing her basics like sanitary towels.

Birdsgottafly · 29/12/2016 22:29

""Your ex can pick his own babysitters.""

Not for the DD he can't, she is now old enough to decide if contact happens and she has grounds for it to not go ahead, her hygiene needs (which link into her emotional/self esteem around her periods), aren't being met.

I'm 48, I thought this shot was over and done with, in the UK.

OP, support your DD, if she doesn't want to go, you shouldn't force it. Court will be easier now they have a voice.

RacoonBandit · 29/12/2016 22:29

I have rtt but will stick with the first post.

OP you need to manage your DDs anxieties. This is not healthy for her. None of the reasons given in your OP are worthy of her stress. He is not a stranger , she has her own space and your family being hysterical are not helping.

creakyknees13 · 29/12/2016 22:30

The op hadn't said she will be breaching the court order, she's stating her daughter's anxieties about contact. It's up to dd if she goes

Frazzle, actually, the order will likely be phrased so that the OP is responsible for making the children available for contact. It's therefore a breach of the order to not send her.

CommunionHelp · 29/12/2016 22:30

What's with the nasty bullying? FGS. Either report the bloody thread or don't post. Bullying the OP is just nasty.

OP, I believe you are completely genuine. I hope more compassionate, thoughtful people will be along soon.

Lorelei76 · 29/12/2016 22:31

OP you think he will go back to court if you stop this visit?

If your 11 yo dd doesn't want to go, I'm wondering why you don't want to stop visits tbh. Is it that you can't face going back to court? At what age do court take her feelings into account?

I feel for you but I'd be fighting to end visits.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 22:32

Thank you communionhelp

OP posts:
SleepEatPlayWork · 29/12/2016 22:32

Whilst I don't agree with the concerns regarding sleeping arrangements, isn't the point of the visit to spend time with her DD who is working 3 long shifts and 7 hours on Sunday? How much time is he actually going to spend with her?

Frouby · 29/12/2016 22:33

Your dd is old enough to tell a court or court offical she no longer wishes to exercise her right to have contact or the current level of contact with her father.

Why have you allowed it to continue for so long? Dd is the same age and if she doesn't want to go to her dads she doesn't go.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 22:35

I'm sure I'll be slated for further drip feeding now. But yes.

He will take it back to court. He enjoys it. He's taken it back for every assault I have reported, for the children texting me too much, for the children not being happy when they are there, for me throwing away a t shirt that was four years too small for ds. I can't afford or face it.

I can't stop contact and I can't cope with seeing DD in so much distress. That's why I posted.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 22:36

She has told the court. But because she started telling them aged 6 and hasn't changed her mind, it has been assessed as a fixed belief rather than a decision based on reasoning!!

OP posts:
Lynnm63 · 29/12/2016 22:37

Could your dd have an inconvenient bout of norovirus this weekend. If ex kicks off wouldn't you all have to hold back to court and wouldn't dd be asked by a judge her reasons for not wanting to go. I'd have thought destroying her stuff and refusing sanpro would be good reasons to stop contact. I will say I have no experience having never been in a custody situation.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 22:40

Last time she was ill, I did suggest to cancel overnight contact, as it involves considerable travelling on public transport. She had tonsillitis but exh didn't believe me and made her walk 3 miles to see the GP to have it confirmed.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.