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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about these sleeping arrangements?

342 replies

ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 21:13

DS 8 and DD 11. Contact order in place for the next four days to be at exh house. Exh is working so he has his brother staying over to look after the DC. DC have met uncle on a handful of occasions.

It's a two bedroom house. DC each have their own rooms and exh sleeps on the sofa in a sleeping bag permanently Hmm. Therefore, with uncle staying, both of the adults will be sleeping in the lounge. The bathroom is accessed by walking through the lounge.

DD says she is not happy to be spending all weekend with a stranger. She hates contact at the best of times but I'm really concerned about the actual arrangements in place. It's a stupid time of year to be able to even do anything about it. Any advice on legalities?

OP posts:
PNGirl · 30/12/2016 17:47

I see. I wondered if it was some sort of denial thing about her growing up!

Christmassnake · 30/12/2016 17:52

Bloody hell, what a lovely dad,he sleeps in lounge to give them their own rooms,Christ,that's commitment for you....I know friends that have put 4 kids in one bedroom so the adults get a room ,rather than boys in one room girls in another,these kids are sharing and different sexes...or have I missed something important??? I don't get the problem??

scottishdiem · 30/12/2016 17:53

Thats because you dont want to understand Christmassnake.

Try reading the thread.

Christmassnake · 30/12/2016 17:54

Wait,I've not read the whole thread,a million apologies,,I'm reading it all now,sorry if I've caused offence

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2016 18:03

Puberty is increasingly earlier in part because we are taller and because of weight. What a load of crap 8 stone. I wasn't 8 stone until I reached maybe 18. Had my periods at about 12, maybe 13. Some petite women may never reach 8 stone. He really is a fuckwit in every respect.

joolsy67 · 30/12/2016 18:09

I would ask that they go when dad is able to be present otherwise what is the point. I can understand why your daughter would prefer to be at home and comfortable at this time tbh.y daughter now stays out but in the beginning she just wanted her own things and a girly loo where every thing she needed was there. The last thing would be her dad and an uncle she barely knows. I feel for you but if your dd does not want this you need to request changes legally. Yes I'm with you in respecting her views and listening. Being miserable in contact ot wont achieve anything and he should understand that.

Christmassnake · 30/12/2016 18:12

Fuck that,I got to page 6. What a nightmare op.im so sorry for you..what fucking cunts the courts are..why in gods name are they forcing her to go,what about her mental health,,but no it's all about the big man and his rights to be a father.fuck that.just fuck it,don't send her..get her to practice saying no,loudly...

noeffingidea · 30/12/2016 18:13

My daughter started her periods at 7 stones. She is short and on the low weight centile.
I was informed by her school nurse that it was generally about 7 stones. There are probably millions of menstruating women around the world who weigh less than 8 stones.
In any case thats irrelevant. No girl or woman should be denied access to sanitary protection if she feels she needs it. Taking it away from her is abusive plain and simple. Its a matter of simple human dignity.
Your poor daughter, OP. I understand its very difficult but please don't give up fighting for her.

SnatchedPencil · 30/12/2016 18:13

I don't see that you've got any cause to worry. Their father and uncle will be there, in a separate room. Do you have any actual cause to suspect one or both of them will be an abuser and/or behave inappropriately? If so, contact the police.

Lots of children don't like to visit their absent parent. Unfortunately for them, but fortunately for common sense, they can be forced to until they are 16. Be grateful that he wants some involvement in their lives.

They may be "strangers" now, but being around them will mean that they are less like "strangers" in the future!

Or, is that the real problem here...

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2016 18:18

Snatchedpencil

RTFT. Not reading it, that's the real problem..

scottishdiem · 30/12/2016 18:18

The real problem SnatchedPencil is a distressed 11 year old. I would think it very unfortunate for any child you didnt care about being distressed but fortunately children grow up and can look back and seen when adults don't care about them.

noeffingidea · 30/12/2016 18:25

snatchedpencil you think it's 'fortunate' that children can be forced to visit non resident parents against their wishes?
Wow. Just wow.

Christmassnake · 30/12/2016 18:29

I think the school need to see the dd upset and not wanting to go,if she can she must tell the school everything,and make it clear she dosnt want to go...I'm simply gobsmacked in this day and age a child is forced to see a parent she dosnt want to see,who's interests are more important,,,way behinned the times family courts,that's why your not allowed to talk about what goes on,fucking rediculous

SmellySphinx · 30/12/2016 18:55

Aren't court orders for you to make the child available for contact? If she doesn't want to go entirely on her say so for whatever reasons there may be then she doesn't have to go. He can take you to court as many times as he likes but if she doesn't want to go then she can't be forced.

SmellySphinx · 30/12/2016 18:55

Aren't court orders for you to make the child available for contact? If she doesn't want to go entirely on her say so for whatever reasons there may be then she doesn't have to go. He can take you to court as many times as he likes but if she doesn't want to go then she can't be forced.

Potentialmadcatlady · 30/12/2016 19:00

Some of the comments on here are unbelievable..This is an 11 year old CHILD who is asking for help and voicing her opinion...OP my thoughts continue to be with you.. My kids are going to their fathers for the weekend.. They havnt even left yet and the ungoing nonsence has already started.. I completely understand where you are coming from and am thinking of you... For those of you making clearly in-informed comments please stop - unless you have walked in the OP shoes or fully experienced the whole court system then quite simply you would be better staying off this thread...the Op is asking for help/advice about a CHILD who is voicing distress that is what is important

coconutpie · 30/12/2016 19:19

This is horrific. And people need to READ THE FUCKING THREAD before responding with crap saying OP is unreasonable.

I have no experience of this whatsoever but can you contact a local police officer and ask for advice?

Amandahugandkisses · 30/12/2016 19:51

"What a lovely dad?"
I've heard it all.

notrocketscience · 30/12/2016 20:13

Advice I was given was to make the dc available for contact. Take them to handover, if they then were adamant in refusing to, hysterical, screaming, crying ect. then no-one could force them at 8 and 11 years old. Well, just great, never mind about the HUGE trauma and upset that caused to everyone involved, never mind the fear and stress of having to be there (I digress -sorry)

My dcs were overheard planning to run away just before school ended to avoid being collected. They sobbed and were so distressed every other Friday when they were first made to go aged only 5 and 6. It took YEARS and numerous officials to really grasp this was all coming from the children and not my influence. 4 different Cafcass officers, CAHMS, school FLOs, mediation (the very worst of all - I hate how they manipulated to suit their own ends). It's horrible. I felt the dcs had their childhood ripped away from them. Now they have at last been listened too it's great and they are super individuals, more mature than average but then that's because of what they have been through. Hang in there OP sometimes justice does happen. It's a bloody heartbreaking process.

throwingpebbles · 30/12/2016 20:26

I sympathise with you. And with your daughter. I don't get why he has contact if he's not going to be there. If you aren't working it would be much more sensible for them to be with you. Our contact order means that if dad is working in "his" part of the holiday then the kids stay with me. Seems bonkers for it to be otherwise. Equally if I ever had to work I would offer that time to him

Sadly the family courts /legislation often don't allow a lot of room for common sense I find and it is very much down to the individual judge (some of whom are of very poor calibre; others are great)

Could you appeal to your ex's reason? Offer him a different time when he will actually see the kids?

holidaysaregreat · 30/12/2016 20:59

This sounds awful. I can't believe people are so dismissive of your daughters feelings. It's not just the sleeping arrangements - not being allowed out, not being able to text/message Mum for a few days at a time, having clothes ruined, not allowed sanitary protection, dirty surroundings, no bins, not able to meet up with mates, Dad not even there because he's working.
Yes I get that when it's contact it's up to the parent to sort out childcare, but really what is the point in dragging DD and DS all the way there to spend the time with an Uncle they barely know, when they could be home and hanging out with mates, chilling in comfort.
Hopefully you will get some sound advice on here from people who know what they are talking about.
My DD is only 8 and is already quite conscious of getting changed in front of anybody, let alone an Uncle she barely sees. She would hate this & would be very upset at being made to spend 4 days in this environment,

0dfod · 30/12/2016 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 30/12/2016 21:54

Ok, following the further information, clearly YANBU. Sadly it seems there is very little you can do. Can your DD keep on to someone in school about this? Rather than it coming from you as that seems to get nowhere as they paint you as a liar. I never understand what fuckwit fathers get out of this. I'd say its a way to control you and as he knows how much you hate it and how much his solicitor upsets you, he will continue. I just can't believe the courts will not take your DDs wishes into account, thats utterly disgraceful!

holidaysaregreat · 30/12/2016 22:49

I am astounded that family courts still insist that a parent is entitled to access to a child when they have made it clear they do not want to visit/stay over. Being genetically linked to a child does not necessarily mean that person is a good parent, and it does not mean it is in the best interest of the child. Sometimes kids just want one bedroom, to be able to see their mates, to wake up in the same house every morning, to be able to choose their clothes etc...
I wouldn't want to spend half the week in one place, then be told to pack up and spend the other half elsewhere. All this is in the best interest of the non resident parent, not the child.
Of course there are loads of examples where this works really well, and both sets of parents get on well and it is all very amicable, supportive, and done with the best interests of the children in mind.
This sounds like an awful set up and your DD basically not being believed by those who are making the decisions could be really damaging to her self esteem. It really does suck. Keep doing what you can OP.

Italiangreyhound · 30/12/2016 23:49

ilovemilton how suitable is their uncle to look after kids? Does he have kids, or childcare experience?

Of course we can all pick who looks after our kids but normally we choose people who the kids know, or people who we know will do a good job, or, ideally, both.

It is only a small point, and not sure how it could ever be of use, but I do wonder if your ex is paying his brother to look after the kids. I love my nephews and would do all I could to help my sis but I work part-time and have my own family and could not drop everything to be there for four days except in an emergency (which I cannot see this is).

So I just wonder if his brother has no kids and maybe no job and so your ex is paying him. I think it is ilegal to pay someone to look after your child for days on end unless they are a registered child minder, which, I am guessing, he is not.

As I say I am not sure if this is the case, or you could ever prove it, and there doesn't seem to be any way to use this but I wanted to point it out.

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