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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For someone to say that they only find blokes from their own race attractive?

237 replies

Ubertasha2 · 29/12/2016 16:44

Hi, trying to settle an argument here:

One friend (30s) says she only 'fancies' blokes from same race as hers (white). This is her personal preference, she says she can't change how she feels and is NOT a racist. She is not a malicious person at all and is actually not an outspoken person on topics of race, religion and politics (unlike other friends of mine!).

Friend 2 says you can't only express this but you can't think it as "you are almost certainly a racist"' (if you feel like this).

Friend 3 feels that friend 3 mightn't be a racist and can feel that way, but MUST NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES MENTION THIS TO ANYONE etc etc in case it offends.

I kind of agree with friend 3, as I feel that you like what you like. Maybe it's a bit narrow minded to say "right, that's it, I know what I like and I'm not budging" etc etc, but as long as she doesn't share this preference with others (where she could obviously pointlessly offend someone and be labelled a racist etc etc), she's keeping a private opinion to herself, surely?

Just wanted an opinion as v uncomfortable discussion!

OP posts:

jamesk0001 · 30/12/2016 13:38

I always thought that I was a tolerant person with several homosexual friends but clearly I am homophobic because I don't find that I want to sleep with another man and don't find them at all attractive!!!

fakenamefornow · 30/12/2016 13:42

I definitely have a type and have never been attracted to pale skinned or blond men. I think arranged marriages are racist personally, parents seeking out a partner for you of only a very specific race, religion and culture, no others are acceptable. This isn't about about physical attraction.

riceuten · 30/12/2016 13:51

No, not everyone who is/isn't attracted to someone from a particular race or ethnicity are prejudiced. Just some. Sexual attraction is such a complex thing in any case, I know people who will only go for much older men/much younger men or women, or people from a particular ethnic group (not their own), and whilst I might take a view as to their motivation why, it's really none of my business what makes them bang, personally.

Seachangeshell · 30/12/2016 14:06

It's not sexist to be straight or gay of bi. You can't make a decision about what your sexuality is. It's completely different.
You can make a decision about who you fancy - it's affected by the prejudices you have.
Saying 'I'm heterosexual so I fancy men, but never black men' is racist. However, as the song says (from Avenue Q), it's not committing a hate crime.

Lweji · 30/12/2016 14:10

You can make a decision about who you fancy

Really?

Have you decided to fancy someone you consider ugly and then started fancying them?

Seachangeshell · 30/12/2016 14:11

i hardly ever fancy anyone - I'm very picky, but it's never based on someone having a certain look. I've fancied people with different skin colour, height, face shape, nose size, etc.
The thing they have most in common is probably to do with personality traits, like being respectful and kind, having a good sense of humour, things like that.

Seachangeshell · 30/12/2016 14:14

Thing that makes me go
'Really?'
Is when people say things like they only ever go for people with dark hair and brown eyes.
Really? Blue eyes are absolutely out? What if he's really lovely?
It's a bad basis for a relationship.

Seachangeshell · 30/12/2016 14:16

And what I meant was that you have some control over your prejudices.
If you make a statement like ' i would never fancy a black man' , then you need to take a good look at why that is. They're not all the same you know. They don't even all look the same.

Lweji · 30/12/2016 14:21

I agree with you to a point, I just disagree that you can decide to fancy someone.

Sure, if you really like their personality, get close, share moments, you can overlook the physical traits you don't fancy so much, but that has happened to people who considered themselves straight too. You can fall in love by someone of a sex you had previously discounted (so some people say). And that's why a small part of the population is completely straight or completely gay.

Of course it's silly to discount any physical trait and say I'd never fancy someone with X, but some people fall into defined patterns.

For all we know, this person is racist. It's just that not fancying certain traits, such as skin colour is not racist per se.

But you didn't actually answer how or if you had decided to fancy someone you didn't before.

WetPaint4 · 30/12/2016 14:27

I've only ever been attracted to white guys or black guys. Everyone has a preference. Doesn't rule out other races in future but that's just the way it's been. I've found Hispanic guys sexy but i don't think I've ever fancied one. Although, I'd probably be all over Mario Lopez like a rash given the chance, I think it's the dimples

There's a difference to me in guys saying to me "I've never been attracted to a black woman" (which hurts a little but you can't do owt about it, you just wanna say 'how come, what's wrong with us?' even though it's not really rational) as long as they've got an open mind, and them turning up their noses at the idea like it's something nasty.

I thought I knew my type until I fell hard for a guy I wouldn't have expected to fall for, who just happens to be smiley, happy, sweet, humble and relaxed. Not many people (besides maybe me and his wife) would consider this man a hunk. Now, his type is all that catches my eye. But you can't help who you are attracted to.

TweedleDee3TweedleDum · 30/12/2016 14:47

OP, I don't think your friend is being racist at all, however your later post asking if it is bad to say that some black people look thuggish. Yes. It is bad to say that! It is acceptable if you think someone looks thuggish (although likely not to the person in question), but to specify that the person has black skin, insinuates that their skin colour is an influencing factor in your assumption.

Niloufes · 30/12/2016 14:50

If you only fancy white people then that's who you only fancy. Its not racist. You can't change who you are attracted to. I don't really fancy black people either, tbh.

BillSykesDog · 30/12/2016 14:53

I am probably the last person in the world to label anybody racist because I get enough of it on here because I think Brexit may not be wholly negative and am not in favour of 'no borders' style unfettered migration. But actually in this situation I think she probably is.

If she was to say 'I've never met anybody not of my own race that I fancy' I would accept that as a personal preference. But the way she is shutting it off, never have never will, suggests that it's based on her prejudices because she has already made a conscious decision she will never find anyone non-white attractive. There does appear to be a certain amount of willingness and decision on her part that this is the way it is. And that does seem to suggest deeper roots than purely physical preference.

Seachangeshell · 30/12/2016 15:37

lweji. I think I probably put that a little bit wrong in that I don't mean that you can make yourself fancy someone. There has to be chemistry I believe.
Having said that, finding someone attractive is a lot more than a list of physical attributes. You can grow to fancy someone, even if they're not your 'type' physically. It's good to be a bit open minded about looks.
I didn't fancy my husband straight away when I met him - I had to get to know him first. We've been together 20 years now and we still find each other attractive and have a good relationship.
And billsykes I think your second paragraph puts it perfectly.

BraveDancing · 30/12/2016 16:02

BillSykesDog - very well put.

mothertruck3r · 30/12/2016 16:13

It's not racist at all. You wouldn't call a gay man or woman a heterophobe, because they aren't attracted to the opposite sex, they just have their own personal sexual preference which is not a choice. Same goes for anything else regarding attraction, you like what you like.

Seachangeshell · 30/12/2016 16:22

Your sexuality is not a choice. If you're gay, straight or bi, that's just the way you are. You can't change it.
It's completely different from saying 'I fancy men, but I would never fancy a black man'.
Not all black men are the same. They look different and they have different personalities, just like white men do.

TweedleDee3TweedleDum · 30/12/2016 16:25

Billsykes, thank you. You've given me a different perspective to consider. Very insightful.

SnatchedPencil · 30/12/2016 16:25

No, it's not unreasonable and certainly not racist to only find oneself attracted to a person of the same race. You can't help who you are attracted to.

As a rule, humans are attracted to people who are similar to them. Similar in looks, outlook, age and experience. There are many exceptions, but these rules apply more often than they do not. People tend to be attracted to one gender more than another, to people of one race more than others. I myself have never gone out with a black person. It's not that I wouldn't, I've just never been attracted to a black person who was also attracted to me.

If it were racist to say you were only attracted to white people, then in follows that you must be sexist to only be attracted to people of one gender, and ageist to only be attracted to people over the age of consent. (Which would make a bisexual paedophile who travels the globe preying on anyone he can find the beacon of inclusiveness, and I don't think many of us want that!)

Lweji · 30/12/2016 16:28

Yes, not all men are the same. And nor all women, but you're saying that it's ok to rule out sex, but not skin colour (or other attributes).
Why is ruling out the same sex ok, but not skin colour?
Sex preference can be just as fluid.
I'd say completely ruling out same sex relationships is homophobic.

ForalltheSaints · 30/12/2016 16:31

Not racist in my view at all- just think you should say the type you prefer, and not be rude about others' choices.

Tropezienne · 30/12/2016 16:38

Perhaps your friend should introduce to herself a quota system?

birdybirdywoofwoof · 30/12/2016 16:38

You guys would be no fun at an orgy!

Disclaimer: from what I've read!

Tropezienne · 30/12/2016 16:46

Ruling out an older man is ageist.

ChippyDucks · 30/12/2016 16:52

I've never found an Asian man attractive, but that's not to say it would never happen. It's just type. I like tall skinny hairy men but it's not a rule as such. Nothing wrong with having a personal preference.

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