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AIBU?

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Original poster

For someone to say that they only find blokes from their own race attractive?

237 replies

Ubertasha2 · 29/12/2016 16:44

Hi, trying to settle an argument here:

One friend (30s) says she only 'fancies' blokes from same race as hers (white). This is her personal preference, she says she can't change how she feels and is NOT a racist. She is not a malicious person at all and is actually not an outspoken person on topics of race, religion and politics (unlike other friends of mine!).

Friend 2 says you can't only express this but you can't think it as "you are almost certainly a racist"' (if you feel like this).

Friend 3 feels that friend 3 mightn't be a racist and can feel that way, but MUST NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES MENTION THIS TO ANYONE etc etc in case it offends.

I kind of agree with friend 3, as I feel that you like what you like. Maybe it's a bit narrow minded to say "right, that's it, I know what I like and I'm not budging" etc etc, but as long as she doesn't share this preference with others (where she could obviously pointlessly offend someone and be labelled a racist etc etc), she's keeping a private opinion to herself, surely?

Just wanted an opinion as v uncomfortable discussion!

OP posts:
BadLad · 30/12/2016 08:08

I don't think it's racist, but some people would think it was, so if I felt like friend A/1, I'd probably not bring my opinion up because I couldn't be bothered to argue about whether or not it was racist.

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/12/2016 08:21

I agree with an earlier poster. I think people have to feel free to express their sexual preferences without fear of being labelled as a racist by a few idiots. The consequences of not being free means that people may feel pressured or influenced to be intimate with individuals that they actually dont want to be for fear of being judged. You get into the murky waters of consent.

I actually think its quite dangerous to call someones sexual preference racist.

Lweji · 30/12/2016 08:25

I think it's racist and I'm surprised that I seem to be in the minority in thinking that. It might not be malicious, but (most likely) a learned cultural bias.

I don't disagree in being a learnt cultural bias, but it doesn't make it racist necessarily.
Unless she thinks black men are beneath her, or disgusting, or something.
I've got learnt cultural biases in that I have behaviours and preferences that tend to match the culture I grew in. I shouldn't feel forced to change them for the sake of "not being racist", nor should I go and have sex with a black man just so that I wouldn't be racist.
But, I couldn't care less sbout what other people do.

I agree that if she said "I couldn't possibly be attracted to a black man", then that would suggest there was more to it than simple preference.
But I suppose it can be like sexual preferences. Some people would never ever feel attracted to the same sex, whereas some are more flexible, and others only feel attracted to the same sex.

Lweji · 30/12/2016 08:29

Just to clarify that I have fancied men of different colours, even ginger. :) That was to make a point.

MissVictoria · 30/12/2016 08:37

I am similar to your friend in that 99.5%+ of the males i've ever found attractive are white. There are occasional exceptions where i'll see a black/asian etc male whom i find attractive, but it is a very rare occurrence.
I wouldn't consider this racist, as i am also similarly typically not attracted to people with brown eyes or body builder types. There is a big difference between not being attracted to specific trait/race and thinking they're inferior, and you can express that you're not attracted without being insulting.
That being said, i didn't quite have the guts to tell someone i used to be friends with (I had a boyfriend at the time i had no intentions of ever splitting with, so would categorically not have been interested anyway, and turns out he was a pathological liar and cheat who had a secret pregnant girlfriend back home!) that if i became single i wouldn't even consider dating him because he was black and i didn't find him physically attractive.

BlurryFace · 30/12/2016 08:52

I grew up in an area with very very few people who weren't white. In primary school, there were only white people (there were a few mixed race pupils at my secondary) and all mum and dad's friends were white.

I have only ever been attracted to white men and women with just one exception, so I suppose I'm an example of the research mentioned up thread. I don't really see how it's anyone's business though? I don't oppose immigration or rights for different races. It's not like my body and masturbatory fantasies are public property, so no one's getting denied anything they're owed.

thetoothfairywhoforgot · 30/12/2016 08:56

I think that saying you have not been attracted to another race is one thing.

Saying you could not,or would not ever be attracted to another race probably is racist.

A friend once told me she would never marry someone that was not white. (My DP at the time was not white.) She left shorty afterwards and I never spoke to her again.

mirrormirror10 · 30/12/2016 09:30

Not racist.

Fuck sake. Not everything is racist.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 30/12/2016 09:50

I have 3 mixed daughters, white/Asian and none of them are attracted to Asian guys. I myself, don't have a physical preference. It is what it is.

SarcasmMode · 30/12/2016 09:52

I can see why some may think it's racist but generally speaking if the friend said "I've never found a man from another race attractive before" she's talking about her existing experience, not her outlook.

I've never found someone teams attractive before, or a man with long hair but one day I might. It's not something you can consciously help.

Bottom line is- you can't help who you are attracted to and it's not right not realistic to try and force yourself to all of a sudden find X attractive. However, unless you are really close to someone I'd not tell others as its a dodgy area.

I think it's natural to have an automatic yes or no when just meeting someone. If you say met someone online first you might see them and instantly be attracted as their personality has overrode any instant approval.

The men I've dated have mostly not been my type as such - I thought they cared and that mattered more to me.

SarcasmMode · 30/12/2016 09:54

Also is it racist if a black man doesn't find a white woman attractive, or an Asian woman doesn't find a middle eastern man attractive?

Or is it just in relation to prominent issues in the world.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 30/12/2016 09:57

I wonder if scientists have/can will be able to explore why some people have so much stronger preferences than others.

user1471545174 · 30/12/2016 09:58

Who you fancy isn't racist. To imply it could be is coercive, which worries me far more.

Get your politics outta my preferences.

BraveDancing · 30/12/2016 10:05

I’ve sort of got complicated feelings about this. I guess I don’t think it means your friend is a horrible bad racist person who secretly wants black people to go back where they came from, but I think it probably means she has some issues. Having said that, we all have issues – I don’t pretend I’m without any kind of prejudice at all. But I would want to do some kind of self-examination if I found I was just subconsciously just totally rejecting the possibility of a close relationship with someone because of the colour of their skin.

Sugarlightly · 30/12/2016 10:12

I think it depends on the reasons you don't find black people attractive (but I don't think "I just don't find them attractive, I just don't!!" is a proper reason).

I think generalising a whole race as not dateable material is a bit misguided; black men don't all look, sound, act the same and it could possibly be construed as a bit racist if people think your friend is thinking that.

lljkk · 30/12/2016 12:00

I can't imagine ever being attracted to a fat bloke. I guess there's a first time for everything but big bellies are pretty repellent for me so very inconceivable.

I can't see how that makes me fattist. I'm not obliged to give them relationship opportunities with me & I'm not denying them opportunities with other women.

Friend loves a bit of pudge on her men. More to hold onto! Isn't it great how we're all different?

BadLad · 30/12/2016 12:08

I can't imagine ever being attracted to a fat bloke.

I thought that (about women) for a long time but then I met one who really turned me on, and I had a great couple of months dating her. Hasn't happened since, but it was a bit of an epiphany.

MsJamieFraser · 30/12/2016 12:11

I'm not attracted to black men, that does not make me a racist, I'm just not physically attracted to black men. How odd that people think this.

CaraAspen · 30/12/2016 12:17

This is a minefield.

CaraAspen · 30/12/2016 12:32

It's interesting that people feel they can be "gingerist", though. But they add the winky emoticon to show they are just joshing. Some of the most gorgeous men have red hair:
images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMTM2OTcyMDgxMl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNDU3NTU5OA@@.V1_UX214_CR0,0,214,317_AL.jpg

s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/7f/ff/8f/7fff8f28fcf2e835860f87bba205f41a.jpg

Seachangeshell · 30/12/2016 12:59

Saying 'you only fancy people who have the same colour skin as you' as the OP's friend did is racist in my opinion.
It's one of those statements that's prefaced with 'I'm not racist but'...
'I'm not racist but I don't fancy black people'.
Sounds racist doesn't it? That's because it is.
And anyway, just going on the way someone looks is shallow.

Seachangeshell · 30/12/2016 13:06

Just because you don't want to think that you're racist doesn't mean you aren't.
Anyone seen that musical, Avenue Q, I think it's called? It's got a great song in it called 'Everyone's a little bit racist '.

BraveDancing · 30/12/2016 13:29

Seachangeshell - I love that song!

Andrewofgg · 30/12/2016 13:32

If it's racist not to be attracted to those of another race why is it not sexist not to attracted to those of the same or of the other gender?

Ffs. To bring the language of discrimination into inherently personal choices is to cheapen that language where it belongs.

Lweji · 30/12/2016 13:35

And anyway, just going on the way someone looks is shallow.

Yes

But, we also need to shag them, so looks are important. Or rather physical attractiveness for each individual (which can be different from person to person).

Saying 'you only fancy people who have the same colour skin as you' as the OP's friend did is racist in my opinion.

No.
It's similar to only being attracted to people with dark/light hair, or blue/dark eyes.
Some people find very white skin not attractive. I think it's also ok not to find very dark skin attractive. Or hairy, or not hairy.