For someone to say that they only find blokes from their own race attractive?

[Ubertasha2]

Hi, trying to settle an argument here:

One friend (30s) says she only 'fancies' blokes from same race as hers (white). This is her personal preference, she says she can't change how she feels and is NOT a racist. She is not a malicious person at all and is actually not an outspoken person on topics of race, religion and politics (unlike other friends of mine!).

Friend 2 says you can't only express this but you can't think it as "you are almost certainly a racist"' (if you feel like this).

Friend 3 feels that friend 3 mightn't be a racist and can feel that way, but MUST NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES MENTION THIS TO ANYONE etc etc in case it offends.

I kind of agree with friend 3, as I feel that you like what you like. Maybe it's a bit narrow minded to say "right, that's it, I know what I like and I'm not budging" etc etc, but as long as she doesn't share this preference with others (where she could obviously pointlessly offend someone and be labelled a racist etc etc), she's keeping a private opinion to herself, surely?

Just wanted an opinion as v uncomfortable discussion!

Turning people away from employment, education etc as you feel they are worth less or inferior based on their physical attributes, is shit and wrong and bigoted (there's some legit times where men can't do certain jobs and women can't do others, but generally). Turning people away from my vagina? I'll do it for whatever reason I like and if someone can't handle that without accusing me of whatever ism or phobia, tough shit to them. I don't feel attracted to women sexually, but Im not lesophobic and lesbians are not transphobic for not wanting a penis inside them either.

If someone doesn't me attractive I find someone who does. Nobody has a right to anyone's body and if they are refused sex by someone who isn't attracted to them, be it for their genitals, their skin colour, their height, their beard, the sensible thing to do is find someone who does find those qualities attractive, instead of accusing them of bigotry or whatever. Anyone should be able to say no to sex with anyone for whatever reason they like and shouldn't be shamed for it.

I think there's nothing wrong with never having found someone from a particular race attractive. That's different from having a rule that you would never date someone from X race.

A dear friend of mine was white and she never had a white boyfriend - always preferred black men and said she couldn't fancy a white man ... she could hardly be called racist .... some people fancy dark haired men/tall/short/skinny/stocky ... it's a personal thing

It's not ageist to rule out older men. Age is a fact of life that brings physical changes including greater proximity to death, illness and weakness. It is strictly applied to everyone according to linear time.

That's different from having a rule that you would never date someone from X race.
You realize that it is personal, right? Is it now neccessery to shag a black dude to prove you're not a racist?

Just preference isn't it? I'm only attracted to men the same race as me (white British) I'm currently online dating at tinder annoys me that I can narrow down my choice by ethic like you can on POF!

I'm also have no attraction to say polish because I know the accent/language barrier would be a huge off put for me!

Nothing at all against Asian, mixed race, polish etc I just do not find them attractive

I'm still sticking with "it's racist", but that isn't to say that I'm condemning individual posters, who have sexual preferences for their own race, as racists.

The majority of British people have grown up in a society where the bulk of people held up as 'attractive' by our media (and in imported media from places like the US) are white. It's very uncommon for an Asian man to be the love interest in any form of media in the UK.

If you grow up in a society in which most of the people presented to you as attractive are white, it's hardly surprising that a lot of people (particularly white people who don't know a lot of PoC growing up) develop a sexual preference for white people.

I don't think it makes the individual a bad person, but its rather a manifestation of an ongoing, racial, cultural bias.

I think a useful comparison is that of body shape/weight. At times in history, larger women were held up as the ideal and were considered more attractive than skinny women. Obviously that has changed and men now group up in a society that presents very thin women as the ideal - and I think individual preferences are shaped by that.

I think it would be interesting to see what would happen to sexual preferences amongst white british women if, for a generation, the vast majority of 'attractive' people in the media were Asian. My suspicion is more would develop a preference for Asian people. Anecdotally, most men I've known with a preference for Asian women grew up playing a lot of Japanese computer games, with Asian heroines or 'damsels in distress'.

I don't think the 'well does that mean straight people are homophobic if they aren't attracted to the same sex' comparison is fair, when the prominent scientific opinion appears to be that there is a genetic/chemical basis for homosexuality. Unless someone can demonstrate that there is a similar basis for preferring people of a certain race, its a poor equivalency.

So yeah, I'm sticking with it being a symptom of institutional racism in our culture, which effects how people's preferences develop. A historical bias towards white people in UK culture is understandable, and is very slowly diversifying, but I think dismissing the effect of (what i think is a very clear) cultural bias is naive.

My friend said she didn't fancy mixed raced guys told be she liked Rhyn giggs told her he was mixed raced lol

Really? Have you decided to fancy someone you consider ugly and then started fancying them?

The more you get to know someone, the more attractive they appear, I find. My DH is so not my type-shaved head, skinny, blondish, but he's the one I fell for big time.

For me, it's eyes: Idris Elba seems to have light reflected in his pupil which is weird and sexy. He and DB Woodside exemplify the very attractive black guys of the world, but I can't fancy skinny black guys or Somalians. I find white blokes more attractive than others, usually. Green eyes or very melting chocolate brown, dark hair, must be taller than me (so over 5'9) and preferably able to do something I can't and be funny and very well built.

I don't think there's a hard and fast rule for me, sometimes it's someone really opposite to what I think (Alexander Skaarsgard is a strange skinny blond gorgeous man!)

I'm not sure sexual attraction is racist: if he makes my fanjo throb, he's sexy, regardless of skin colour.

Sybys

That's really interesting. I have always fancied dark skinned men (I'm white) almost never white skinned men and never blond/red haired men.

I remember years ago talking to a friend about babies and saying that I thought white babies were prettier than black babies but once they got to toddlers black children were better looking than white. (Please remember this was a long time ago, I was about 19/20). I wondered back then if there might be some evolutionary reason for me thinking like that and finding white babies more attractive because they looked more like me and how a baby of mine might look.

I think who we fancy is very complex with a multitude of reasons behind it. I read once that mixed race relationships are more likely to be white women + black man, than, black women + white man, by quite a big margin. It was speculated that this could be down to unconscious feelings of oppression within society. In that, white women and black man are both discriminated against and this forms a bond between them. White men don't feel this oppression and so are less likely to form relationships with oppressed minorities. I'm not so sure that that is the reason, but it is interesting the way the numbers fall.

Yup I agree there probably are a lot of complex factors, many of which will likely be to do with upbringing, and which obviously aren't uniform for all people within a culture. I think people are largely correct when they say "you [as an individual] can't help who you fancy", but I think some of those external factors that helped form your preferences are rooted in racial bias.

And I suspect that, just as is the case with hair colour, it probably is possible for people to form innocent preferences for skin complection - but given the enduring and prominent racial biases in our culture, and the often subconscious nature of individual biases and preferences, I think it's currently difficult, if not impossible, to differentiate between the two.

Friend 1 isn't racist because she isn't being derogatory about a particular race or implying that any other race is superior. What she is saying is she isn't physically attracted to men of a particular race. That could be for many reasons I suppose - there must be biological reasons why some people are attractive to some people and other people aren't.

I have never been attracted to Asian men but I suppose I could meet someone who I clicked with who also happened to be Asian. I do have a "type" in my head I suppose by I think that we rarely end up being with our "types" long term anyway because falling in love and making a relationship work is about so much more than physical appearances. I know they are important of course but it's a big mix of lots of things that make people attractive and not just how they look.

If your friend met a black man and really liked him and found that she was actually attracted to him, but then said "oh I can't go out with him because he is black" then that's a whole different kettle of fish isn't it. But saying that she generally doesn't find certain people attractive is in itself not a racist comment.

I also wouldn't shout it from the roof tops either though - but then I wouldn't discuss this type of thing with just anyone anyway!