Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think my son is an ungrateful brat. I have gone badly wrong

317 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 28/12/2016 16:25

Ds, aged 7, has always been demanding and hard work in lots of ways. But as he's grown older he's becoming increasingly rude. He was very ungrateful over Christmas presents and basically anything anyone does for him or with him isn't good enough.

My elderly parents took him out for the day today on a special day out. It was expensive for a start off but that isn't why I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed because they took a day out just for him doing something he would enjoy - it wasn't something they particularly would want to do otherwise. He left the house at 9am and they've just dropped him back. As soon as he walked in he picked up his iPad. I asked him to put it down just until my parents had gone and to tell me about his day. To which he went 'yeah yeah blah blah blah, I want my iPad.'
They'd seen a show so I asked him to show me the programme and he said 'shall I tell you some facts about my life? Number one it's sooooo boring.' And then to my parents: 'are you going now so I can play on my iPad?'
He's such an ungrateful little shit. It must be my fault. I've brought him up. I've gone wrong somewhere because he's horrible. I'm so annoyed with him I don't even want to talk to him. This isn't one off behaviour. This is behaviour we see a lot now. He hasn't been allowed his iPad. However it won't stop him behaving like this again. Nothing does.

Any advice??

OP posts:
FoolandFitz · 28/12/2016 18:45

OP, my DS has dyspraxia and is ASD. But we don't tolerate rude behaviour from him, and it can be hard as he has no filter with what he says - if he thinks it, he says it. We are working hard with him to think about different points of view, which is such a difficult concept for him to grasp but we are plugging away.

I agree with Luna about dealing with the stimulus of being out and about with people, crowds and delays would have been too much for him. My DS needs lots of down time if he has had a busy day.

Explosive Child by Ross Greene has some useful advice and tools to manage the meltdowns.

user1479296630 · 28/12/2016 18:46

He may be difficult to live with now but if you just keep doing the right things as you obviously are he will turn out fine (said from experience and through gritted teeth right now). Clearly a highly intelligent child who will learn from discussion with you about his behaviour, but occasionally 'orders' may be appropriate. eg not to go on ipad or say anything about his day with GPs until they have gone.

DotForShort · 28/12/2016 18:47

It does sound very difficult, skating. Are there any social skills classes at his school? Or other initiatives like buddy benches? If you move forward with an assessment, there may be additional resources available. I do think a visit to the GP could be a good first step.

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 28/12/2016 18:50

He aligns himself with the teacher rather than the other children.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 28/12/2016 18:52

My 7 year old can be very cheeky but I'm quick to pull him up on it.

I also drill into him the idea of manners and saying thank you for things, greeting people properly and saying goodbye with manners.

I have to limit his screen time because it does make him grumpy.

I've also talked to him about not letting him watch tv when he copies the rude phrases.

randomeragain · 28/12/2016 18:54

thanks for the lovely comments....not. Just mystified as to how can a child is possibly any number of things.....tired? cold? ill? upset? bored? and comes home and is slightly rude and asks for an ipad.....on the spectrum?

MamaMotherMummy · 28/12/2016 18:54

You might want to try the Nurtured Heart Approach.

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2016 18:55

There is an off button on the house wifi

Turn it off and change the password until your son has eaten some humble pie and apologised to his grandparents for being so rude.

Then let him know if he is going to be rude the wifi will be turned off until he is pleasant

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 28/12/2016 18:55

It's not a one off though. It's part of a wider picture of behaviours.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 28/12/2016 18:55

That was in reply to Random.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatch · 28/12/2016 18:57

Loads of explanations on this thread random, if you're really interested.

Kleinzeit · 28/12/2016 18:58

I found that the worst time was waiting for the assessments, because I had no idea what was a reasonable expectation from DS and what wasn't. The different assessments helped me to see exactly what my DS struggled with. Diferent children can have different issues even with the same diagnosis. For example there are several different ASC-related things that might be going into your DS's putting-on-shoes problem - sensory, transition, communication, processing delay - and finding out which one (or ones) were causing it would help you find the best strategies for dealing with it.

In the meantime, you might want to look at Explosive Child. The general approach helped me manage my DS through the uncertainty before diagnosis and you might find it helpful even if you aren't getting big tantrums.

And I'd also like to add - you aren't doing anything wrong. This is a tough time.

MamaMotherMummy · 28/12/2016 19:00

I don't think taking the iPad will change anything, and if it does, his 'good behaviour' will come from a fake and selfish place - wanting his iPad back. It won't be genuine manners or respect, and when there's no prize for him, he will revert to not caring again.

Working on his feelings about himself, his place in the world, his relationships etc I think would yield much better results.

Dragonbait · 28/12/2016 19:04

Hi. A couple of things - if you suspect he is on the spectrum is this affecting how you parent him? Our daughter is likely on the spectrum but it wasn't picked up until later. In a way I'm glad of this as it didn't complicate things with discipline. We had to be really really strict and consistent day in day out regarding the behaviour we wanted. If we slipped on our implementing of the rules that was it - straight back to the start. If I'd have known she was on the spectrum I would have felt so guilty about a lot of my parenting but she has turned out better for it. Things I have learnt over time that might help - if you are angry, upset etc then state 'I am angry' 'I am upset' etc. I realise now that my daughter laughing in my face was because she honestly wasn't picking up when I was livid! Also try some positive affirmation for a while - pick up on every tiny thing your son does that is good. Wow you were so good at your homework tonight etc. No idea why it works but with our daughter it would turn her behaviour around very quickly when shouting and reprimanding was constantly failing.

Alfieisnoisy · 28/12/2016 19:04

randomn my son is autistic and this is something he would very much have done when younger. It's about not being able to communicate appropriately or properly socially. Children with ASD take much longer to "get" the ability to communicate appropriately in different situations.. I hasten to add that at 14 my DS now "gets it" and doesn't behave in this way.
You are not wrong about tiredness, hunger etc as my DS is much more unpredictable if he is exhausted, starving etc.

I still want the floor to open up when I remember how badly he reacted to a present when he was younger though. Embarrassing doesn't begin to cover it.

He has matured a lot with support and guidance since then though.

CloudPerson · 28/12/2016 19:05

Taking his iPad for a longer, non-specified amount of time is likely to lead to worse behaviour, and he'll probably think you've stolen it.
If the iPad is used for wind down time, it shouldn't be used as part of a punishment, especially when he will have a great need for wind down time.
Have a look at ASD strategies, things like the 5 point scale, buy books or go to the library, join groups on FB.
You've had some really useful advice here (if you ignore the shite).

Kleinzeit · 28/12/2016 19:06

Just mystified as to how can a child is possibly any number of things.....tired? cold? ill? upset? bored? and comes home and is slightly rude and asks for an ipad.....on the spectrum?

He was referred for assessment already. Which part of that mystifies you?

Alfieisnoisy · 28/12/2016 19:06

And his diagnosis didn't come because he didn't like a birthday present he was given. That was one example of a much wider pattern of difficulties he experienced both in school and at home.

shinynewusername · 28/12/2016 19:06

Ds moaned a lot about how the people working there were idiots and why was it taking so long

He is 7. Whether he has ASD or not, this is learned behaviour from the adults around him. YY to getting him help and support, but your family should also model better behaviours for him to follow.

MarjorieSimpson · 28/12/2016 19:08

My two pence worth.
The advantage with a child with autism is that they like rules. That is rules on how the day goes etc...
But also rules about how to behave.
Yu won't change his vocabulary and the way he is talking like an adult.
You CAN tech him that some things are rude, such as asking your parents when they will go away.
He is intelligent, so, my experience, is that explaining the reason is what worked best for my DC (aslo on the spectrum). I seem to spending my days telling him 'when you say xxx, what people understand is yyy because ....
I do the same with the time of voice etc... so he can get the differences between as,king with a nice cheery voice and with an exasperated voice iyswim.
I also found that everything has to be explained in details when my other DC would have got things wo explanation and would have been able to generalised straight away. Whereas my DC on the spectrum is taking more time to do that.

I also agree about starting as soon as possible.
One way is of course to get an assessment ASAP. The other way is to deal with him as of you KNEW he is on the spectrum. Chances are that none of the techniques you would use would be detrimental if he actually isn't on the spectrum. But they will help a lot if he is.

MTWTFSS · 28/12/2016 19:08

At my local children centre, I did a course called "Parenting Puzzle". It was brilliant (and free).

This is a link to the book I was given on the course: www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Parenting-Puzzle-Your-Guide-Transforming-Family-Life/0954470907/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482952061&sr=8-1&keywords=parenting+puzzle

MarjorieSimpson · 28/12/2016 19:09

shiny or he has heard that on TV or watching YouTube videos etc... and he is using them because he doesn't have the filter that will tell him he has seen that on TV but this isn't acceptable iyswim.

randomeragain · 28/12/2016 19:09

why are some people so bloody rude? Because I question something I am to be reported, told to bore off of accused of being ignorant

OP if you little boy has some additional needs, I hope you succeed in what ever helps.

I wonder what help is available post diagnosis.

I also wonder what is the difference between masking and not liking home or school.

I also wonder why those on the spectrum are mostly male. Infact I wonder few things because I like to think and this is a place to explore ideas.

CloudPerson · 28/12/2016 19:10

Shiny, my son uses language like this and far, far worse, he hasn't learned this from any adults around him (unless his teachers are in the habit of talking like this!), neither has he learned to punch, spit and swear from us.
Sometimes children react in an undesirable way to their circumstances, it does not = poor parenting.
A 7 year old is likely to have heard the word idiot from their peers at school, and far worse than that.

CloudPerson · 28/12/2016 19:12

Randomer your post was very goady and dismissive of ASD (which is a diagnosis not a label), so that's perhaps why other posters are upset.

There are increasing numbers of girls and women being diagnosed as the experts start (slowly) to catch up, having come from a point of very poor information from certain "experts" who often appear as spokesmen on the subject.