To think my son is an ungrateful brat. I have gone badly wrong

[Skatingonthinice16]

Ds, aged 7, has always been demanding and hard work in lots of ways. But as he's grown older he's becoming increasingly rude. He was very ungrateful over Christmas presents and basically anything anyone does for him or with him isn't good enough.

My elderly parents took him out for the day today on a special day out. It was expensive for a start off but that isn't why I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed because they took a day out just for him doing something he would enjoy - it wasn't something they particularly would want to do otherwise. He left the house at 9am and they've just dropped him back. As soon as he walked in he picked up his iPad. I asked him to put it down just until my parents had gone and to tell me about his day. To which he went 'yeah yeah blah blah blah, I want my iPad.'
They'd seen a show so I asked him to show me the programme and he said 'shall I tell you some facts about my life? Number one it's sooooo boring.' And then to my parents: 'are you going now so I can play on my iPad?'
He's such an ungrateful little shit. It must be my fault. I've brought him up. I've gone wrong somewhere because he's horrible. I'm so annoyed with him I don't even want to talk to him. This isn't one off behaviour. This is behaviour we see a lot now. He hasn't been allowed his iPad. However it won't stop him behaving like this again. Nothing does.

Any advice??

Do you think there could be an element of realising he's 'different' and having trouble dealing with that?

DS went through a terrible time at that age because like your son he has a very adult way of speaking he also speaks with an American accent.

It caused him an awful lot of anxiety and he was really unpleasant a lot of the time. Coincidentally I had just had DS2 who he found very difficult to be around.

He sounds rather lonely.

Btw skating one recommendation I would give before doing ANYTHING is to read around autism and what it is and what it means.
I personally found that reading books from adults in the spectrum describing how the feel, what they find hard etc... particularly helpful.

The reason I believe this is essential is because it will help you realise that when your ds behaves the way he did today it is NOT because he an ungrateful prat etc etc but because he is on the spectrum.
It will allow you to step back a bit and stop putting labels on him that will make it all the harder for you to stay patient and calm.
If you look at him when he is making comments like this and think 'he is an entitled prat', it will be very hard for you to get the right strategy/answer, whatever advice people can give you.
If you can look at his reaction and say 'ok he is overwhelmed/doesn't mean it like this/hasn't realised that because at the moment he CAN'T/he needs to learn' then your answer will be much more constructive.

Randomer, I think the problem is your focusing on this one incident when the OP has been given many, many examples of behaviours she is concerned about.

People are defensive because they have been right there in her shoes and there is nothing worse than someone telling you your child is just badly behaved.

Cherry, I seriously hope you never teach my child, he is an only child, but is certainly not unruly (very well behaved according to his non-generalising teacher), not spoilt and plays very well with other children! Should you actually be in teaching judging children and labelling them according to birth order. Have you ever heard of a self fullfilling prophecy?? You can spot an only child within 3 lessons? I can spot someone who shouldn't be around impressionable children with their biased attitudes in one post!

Randomer perhaps you'd like to do some Googling which should satisfy your "wondering" and provide a place for you to explore your ideas and whilst you're busy with that, you can let the parents of kids with ASD etc. actually give good and needed advice to the OP.

I'd second pre-planned consequences for bad behavior with immediate effect, but not too long lasting else one punishment becomes meaningless from the next. Also try and make punishments relevant where possible - mucking about before bed = earlier bed the next day, attitude about handing over iPad = no access the next day, etc.

That being said, kids usually act out when they're struggling to cope, which might be to do with the change in family structure (new sibling) or the bullying. I'd sit down and have a chat with him when you've both calmed down and say something along the lines of "I've noticed we've not been getting on so well lately/you haven't been your usual sunny self, is everything okay/is there anything you want to talk about?"

Along the same vein, when we're frustrated with kids' behavior it can be easy to come down super hard with consequences (which are obviously important) but sometimes it's easy to forget to acknowledge the good stuff kids are doing. Amidst setting firmer boundaries, I'd also make sure to look out for even the tiniest things to praise/encourage so he knows he's not just on some useless pursuit where no-one is ever proud of him, but that you're chuffed about the good stuff too

i would also like to point out that if he is definitely dyspraxic, then he won't be emotionally 7yo.

Our OT told us children with dyspraxia emotionally present roughly a third younger than their actual age.. so you have to think of this child in terms of only 4/5yo emotionally.

I often ask my self with ds who is 10, if i would expect the same behaviour from his 7yo sister, if the answer is no, then i know i'm being too harsh on him.

Sounds like the OP is having a very rough time and like most things with kids it's most likely an accumulation of different factors. Mil needs a kick up the arse she's making a difficult situation worse. Hope you get the answers you are hoping for and some help. Be kinder to yourself, no first hand experience of asd here but before you can do anything this point needs clarifying for you

Katy, your post didn't come across well. I'm sorry but really, I read it as very dismissive about masking.

Randomer, you really aren't doing yourself any favours here.

I would be furious and would probably focus on how hurt his grandparents must be. I would be telling him how they had gone out of their way to be kind to him and to treat him and how selfish and hurtful his behaviour must have been to them. I went through similar with my younger DS when he was about 12 - he was very rude to my Dad shortly after my Mum had died. I was livid and really told him off about how wicked it was to be so unkind not only to an old man butvto his lovely grandfather. He was mortified, there were tears, I made him write a letter of apology which he had to address and post himself. My Dad wrote back to him kindly - the matter was never mentioned again and neither did DS ever behave like that again.

As others have said, I immediately thought ASC when I read your post. I agree that getting a diagnosis is really important - explain to GP that your family are really struggling and keep pushing. Around here the school can't do anything with regards to getting a diagnosis, it has to come through a referral from GP. As he gets older, it may help him to know why he feels different and definitely helps others to understand his behaviours. Having a diagnosis also means that you should be able to access some support as parents.

With regards to support at school, the sorry state of affairs is that with budget cuts, a child who is coping at school and keeping up may be unlikely to be able to access any additional support other than that provided by his teacher in class. At my school we do have a nurture package including social skills groups and a counsellor etc but not all schools have the money.

Lots of good advice here.

Can I recommend a book? It's called 'You are a social detective' and talks about expected and unexpected behaviours in social situations. If he has ASC these behaviours will need to be taught.

If there has been an incident such as in the restaurant, it can be helpful to unpick this later. Sometimes it works to use comic strip conversations - you draw what happened with stick people and use thought bubbles to explain what the people were thinking.

Info about consequences is also great - make it really clear by having the consequences written down. E.g. you are rude - you upset people - you lose your ipad time. you are polite - people are happy - you get ipad time.

Have a read up on social stories/scripts also.

Can you get him assessed? He sounds a little unusual and the behaviour after a big day out during which he'll have had to process all manner of different sights, smells, noises etc sounds like he seeks comfort in his iPad (where he knows exactly what to expect)
The award at school demonstrates heroes have manners and can use them, it maybe that he feels at ease in school where there is strict routine and firm rules.

He has (not heroes)

If you suspect he is on the spectrum then you need to follow this up. If he is and you are correcting him every time he is rude even though he may not know or understand he is being rude will ruin your relationship and affect his self esteem. Most children are not rude/ naughty because they want to be, children on the whole like to please and try to be good you sound like your using all of the normal parenting strategies but for whatever reason it's not working. Please look into any other reasons for his behaviour. Good luck.

My 12 year old also does the 'see you like x more than me' after being vile, too.
Find his carrot, find his stick. Use both when you deem appropriate. But explain in very clear terms what is or isn't acceptable.

er perhaps you'd like to do some Googling which should satisfy your "wondering" and provide a place for you to explore your ideas and whilst you're busy with that, you can let the parents of kids with ASD etc. actually give good and needed advice to the OP.

Oh so this is now exclusively for parents of kids with ASD is it? Not for people who provide a kind response to the OP and wish her well.

How could it be when you reckon it's all made up anyway, randomer?

just remind me of where I said ASD is made up pls?

Randomer you didn't outright say it, but you implied it, something about why are there so many labels now. I can't remember word for,word and the post has been deleted, thankfully. It was a shitty post.

And it's not exclusively for parents of autistic children, but as they are the ones who are giving useful information that might actually help the OP's son, as opposed to making him feel like a shitty person, I'd say it's fair enough to point the op to those posts rather than the ones saying to tell him off and chuck his iPad away.

no it wasnt....I was questioning why a post about a little boy who was rather rude triggered responses about ADS.

7 is very young and he had a busy day.

So much of this sounds exactly like my 7 year old son. I'm going to read through properly then I'll comment again