To think my son is an ungrateful brat. I have gone badly wrong

[Skatingonthinice16]

Ds, aged 7, has always been demanding and hard work in lots of ways. But as he's grown older he's becoming increasingly rude. He was very ungrateful over Christmas presents and basically anything anyone does for him or with him isn't good enough.

My elderly parents took him out for the day today on a special day out. It was expensive for a start off but that isn't why I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed because they took a day out just for him doing something he would enjoy - it wasn't something they particularly would want to do otherwise. He left the house at 9am and they've just dropped him back. As soon as he walked in he picked up his iPad. I asked him to put it down just until my parents had gone and to tell me about his day. To which he went 'yeah yeah blah blah blah, I want my iPad.'
They'd seen a show so I asked him to show me the programme and he said 'shall I tell you some facts about my life? Number one it's sooooo boring.' And then to my parents: 'are you going now so I can play on my iPad?'
He's such an ungrateful little shit. It must be my fault. I've brought him up. I've gone wrong somewhere because he's horrible. I'm so annoyed with him I don't even want to talk to him. This isn't one off behaviour. This is behaviour we see a lot now. He hasn't been allowed his iPad. However it won't stop him behaving like this again. Nothing does.

Any advice??

A poster ^ earlier mentioned a testosterone surge in childhood which may explain some poor behaviour in this age-group of boys. I think this article helps to debunk that idea.

evidencebasedparent.blogspot.co.uk/2014/07/the-myth-of-toddler-testosterone-surge.html

Bandy....thanks very clear. So if there is little help post diagnosis what does diagnosis achieve?

As to being disablist oh the irony , if only you knew.

My nearly 7 year old can be very similar- I have banned the iPad completely because he was becoming very very rude, and I have to say I think he has become less surly since he stopped using it, and also doesn't seem to miss it. I think my ds probably is spoiled- I have always loved to buy my dc little treats but I think this has created the problem- he expects something every time we go out and moans if he doesn't get anything. I'm going to make a concerted effort to stop and see if this helps- I also like the tips above about chores for pocket money. He can also be a lovely, lovely child and is really kind on many occasions, I just really need to get a grip on this kind of behaviour- like your ds he got a citizenship award at school so I hope this means we are doing something right! to you, it is hard work parenting a grumpy boy!

@cloudperson "ASD wouldn't necessarily mean he can't be polite" this is the same point you made back to me: everyone with ASD isn't exactly the same. Masking doesn't always happen, and rudeness isn't a struggle for everyone on the spectrum. Therefore, you can have ASD and be rude deliberately. I was still suggesting there will be an underlying reason for the rudeness, just that it isn't definitely linked to his ASD.

Hi
I know this has already been mentioned up thread but my Son (almost 7) has Autism and Pda (Pathological Demand Avoidance).
The use of adult language, frustration at questions about his day/waiting in a busy restaurant/sounding like the most ungrateful rude child ever/blah blah blah bit/ in a hurry to get to the ipad/ is text book for us l'm afraid!

He can be the most charming, polite well mannered boy ever with engaging almost adult like conversation and then turn on the flip of a coin to kicking, punching, raging meltdowns, wrecking anything he comes into contact with just because the queue might not be moving fast enough or the ipad charge percent is not high enough, or you ask him a question too many etc.
When too many social 'nicety' demands are placed on him this is the eventual outcome unfortunately.

After years of struggling and fighting the authority for help, he is finally in a brilliant but very expensive (hence the fight) specialist autistic Pda provision.

Had he not been so disruptive in mainstream class to the point of being excluded and a huge number of other schools with special needs provisions refusing to take him due to the 2/3 to 1 ratio required, l doubt we would have ever got the attention/priority/help he required.

He would have always been labelled by others as a nightmare child and my Husband and l as obviously ineffective parents by the other School Mums, very similar to the comments you are receiving here.

Don't give up on seeking help/assessments /referrals/a diagnosis as the younger your child is when you receive these, the more chance you have in getting the specialist help to turn some of these behaviours around.

Good luck xx

Random - I didn't mention the word 'disablist'

As for diagnosis - it can help give parents a 'framework' to work within,it can help in situations where a parent needs to get judgmental otitis to STFU (but only the mildest of idiots, the rest believe they have the worldly experience to know the answer to everything) and it can help later in life (access to adult support, support at university, and believe it or not some companies are actively seeking out spectrum employees)

Randomer, diagnosis can be liberating, having a chance to understand yourself, use various strategies that help calm your nervous system, feel ok to avoid certain situations because you know it's going to be too much. Before my diagnosis if I did these things it was assumed I was being attention seeking or a special snowflake ❄️ Actually, some people still think this, but I have my diagnosis, I know they're wrong so fuck 'em
As parents of autistic DC, where I am if you use strategies that work but aren't mainstream parenting strategies you can face accusations of bad parenting by the very people who are supposed to be supporting, once you have the diagnosis you are more able to parent in a way you know helps.

Diagnosis was a lifeline for us as it gave us a frame to hang all of DS's little oddities on. It also gave him much more appropriate support in school too. Age 14 he is now at a special school where he continues to receive support with social skills .

OP,
maybe look into some strategies to help with your DS? We went to private OT two years before diagnosis which gave us coping strategies to deal with sensory overload. Have also bought few books for DC like 'Asperger Rules'. I obviously had to explain to DC that they were in the process of being assessed and what ASD was but DC was relieved that they had something to explain being different.
We also have used the 1-2-3 Magic book for our ASD child and NT child but not sure how appropriate it would be for every child with ASD. Found that behaviour has improved since dealing with some of the sensory overload. DC with ASD is definitely better behaved in school than at home. She lets it all out at home.

Your sons behaviour does sound bad and I would be removing his ipad for the foreseeable future until it improves. He obviously has problems with other children and relationships which most people seem to pin on ASD. That may well be the case but I wonder if it would also be worth looking at his diet - in particular e numbers and sugar which can affect behaviour. Some of this is undoubtedly down to his life being disrupted by your new baby and as he is older and used to being the centre of attention for 6 years this may take a while to sort out. Your MIL is not helping by making it clear she prefers your DD. I would talk to her and tell her this is not acceptable and is making life hard for you and upsetting your DS.

Lots of one on one attention for him, ignoring bad behaviour and praising the good. He obviously can feel empathy as he recognises the gift of adopting the snow leopard as being something which is generous. He is clever and articulate but needs to understand not everyone is as quick and learn some social skills. I don't know an awful lot about ASD but to get on in life these are things he needs to learn anyway.

I don't think any of this is your fault but maybe overstimulation with games on the ipad are not a good idea as a general rule. A treat maybe at the weekends but he needs to learn to unwind in other ways - either a book or drawing, sport or listening to music.

BishopBrennansArse Wed 28-Dec-16 20:28:44
You were deleted for the disablist 'too many syndromes' comment.

I am not, nor did I say ASD was made up.

As the parent of a boy who is very similar to the OP's by the sounds of it, we have given up trying to pursue a "diagnosis". Things like dyspraxia and the autistic traits are not the same in two children. Bright children who are on the spectrum or who show signs of dyspraxia may cope well with their quirks - where's the benefit to them in a formal diagnosis? We were concerned about things like writing in exams - would a formal diagnosis mean DS could use a computer/scribe rather than doing it by hand? We soon realised that although there is most definitely something different about DS, his difficulties are not acute enough to warrant NHS or psychological intervention as he doesn't tick enough boxes. SENCO are disinterested as he is clever and well-behaved at school. So I do not necessarily believe pursuing a diagnosis at all costs is the best strategy, you have to look at what you can actually do to help him.

Totally agree with the explanations before about expectations. Even at almost 14 I have to remind DS not to bore people about Star Wars / planes. Saying "behave yourself" doesn't work, you have to be really specific about what you expect and how long. He is getting better at this, and better at handling disagreements in group work at school (this used to reduce him to tears of frustration a couple of years ago). He struggles with his peers as he has zero interest in social media, the opposite sex, pop music or indeed any form of pop culture. He doesn't care about fitting in though. He goes to a special club at school lunchtimes which DH rather unkindly calls the "geeks and freaks" club but which provides a safe space for quirky kids to be themselves and this gives him downtime - nobody at the club cares if all he wants to do is sit in the corner with a book on his own.

We've given up a long time ago trying to make him the same as every other child. He's clearly wired in a different way from my other two children. He can be hard work at times but it's getting easier as he matures.

The ungratefulness though isn't something that is confined to DC on the spectrum. I've had issues with dd1 and similar.

What I find helps is just pandering less to what she wants/ revolving life around 'expected' kiddie activities and fitting in more with the family. We went on a five mile walk yesterday (and both dds 4 and 7 walked, no scooters etc). They moan but then get lost in the freedom of being able to ferret around in hedgerows. It gives everyone time to talk. Also giving them stuff to do in the house that when they've done it they are praised.

I don't have children on the spectrum before I get jumped on for that but a busy theatre/ restaurant is unlikely to be much fun for him I'd have been frazzled too. It's almost as if the trip was meant to be something he'd enjoy but didn't. That's a weird kind of pressure.....?

Gosh sounds like my 8 year old especially last post!
Very bright and clever well behaved in school.
But at home can be a nightmare we also get bla bla bla. Rude difficult child ungrateful and it's very embarrassing . I have thought ADHD as constantly on the go, but he's good at school and sleeps. I am very strict about diet but that hasn't made a difference. We are constantly telling him off.
I am at my wits end with my eldest son now. I have also got extremely angery with him over behavior again nothing works.