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Original poster

To think my son is an ungrateful brat. I have gone badly wrong

317 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 28/12/2016 16:25

Ds, aged 7, has always been demanding and hard work in lots of ways. But as he's grown older he's becoming increasingly rude. He was very ungrateful over Christmas presents and basically anything anyone does for him or with him isn't good enough.

My elderly parents took him out for the day today on a special day out. It was expensive for a start off but that isn't why I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed because they took a day out just for him doing something he would enjoy - it wasn't something they particularly would want to do otherwise. He left the house at 9am and they've just dropped him back. As soon as he walked in he picked up his iPad. I asked him to put it down just until my parents had gone and to tell me about his day. To which he went 'yeah yeah blah blah blah, I want my iPad.'
They'd seen a show so I asked him to show me the programme and he said 'shall I tell you some facts about my life? Number one it's sooooo boring.' And then to my parents: 'are you going now so I can play on my iPad?'
He's such an ungrateful little shit. It must be my fault. I've brought him up. I've gone wrong somewhere because he's horrible. I'm so annoyed with him I don't even want to talk to him. This isn't one off behaviour. This is behaviour we see a lot now. He hasn't been allowed his iPad. However it won't stop him behaving like this again. Nothing does.

Any advice??

OP posts:
CloudPerson · 28/12/2016 17:06

Only, do you have an autistic child?

diddl · 28/12/2016 17:07

How old is the baby?

If still tiny & sleeping alot then there's no reason for MIL to be ignoring her GS for the baby!

Well, there's no reason at all.

Have you spoken to her about her favouritism?

"(I'm not playing with you today now x is here)"-then she needs to fuck off home with her nastiness!

MsGameandWatch · 28/12/2016 17:07

I'd have thought that if he's on the spectrum it would be the other way around - he'd struggle more at school because of the increased stresses there - or would be the same for both.

Not at all. That's a fallacy. Some autistic children utterly thrive on the stability and routine of school and fall to pieces on leaving. I have one of each - one who cannot cope at all and one whose behaviour is exemplary in school.

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 28/12/2016 17:08

What makes it worse is that dd is delightful. She's the cheeriest easiest happiest baby you could meet. Total opposite of her brother. So oekpme gravitate to the smiley baby rather than the stroppy 7 year old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 28/12/2016 17:08

people don't know what went wrong there!

OP posts:
dataandspot · 28/12/2016 17:08

Asd doesn't mean a free pass for poor behaviour. It means you will have to work really hard on enforcing good/correct behaviour. Getting a diagnosis won't change this.

Start now. The iPad is a powerful tool as an incentive to make changes. As an asd parent I would advise you to limit the use of phones, iPads etc as it's very easy for an asd child to become over reliant on them.

I feel for you it's exhausting!

buttercup54321 · 28/12/2016 17:08

Who is he getting his "my life is so boring" attitude from. Are you and your partner good role models? Take the ipad away until he has been taught some manners and respect towards other people. He appears to be ruling the whole family right now. What will he be like in his teens if you let this carry on???

MsGameandWatch · 28/12/2016 17:09

Asd doesn't mean a free pass for poor behaviour.

I don't know a single parent of an autistic child that needs telling that and I know loads.

Shurelyshomemistake · 28/12/2016 17:10

Skating, this is a bit armchair diagnosis but some of the things you're saying about your DS sound a bit like ADHD-type behaviours. Like the lunging at people, poor impulse control, blurting (rude) things out, hating to wait for things.

The MIL sounds a bit... unhelpful, to say the least. She didn't actually say that to your son did she, about not playing with him now the baby was here?!?

Sillybillybonker · 28/12/2016 17:10

I have a child with aspergers and he is generally very good in school. The frustration, stress and anxiety are released at home.

CostaAddict · 28/12/2016 17:10

OP you have my Sympathies. My DS (7) has HFA and sometimes is bloody rude. He just doesn't get it. So we have to break every social situation/etiquette down into simple steps.

We had an embarrassing moment a few weeks ago. My DM neighbour gave DS a small Xmas present. He said no thank you and refused to take it. I told him it was ok, he said no thanks I don't want it. Cue long discussion when we got home about manners etc. Once it's explained he got it although he has to work hard at maintaining himself.

Despite his diagnosis this does not give him a free pass to be rude or disrespectful. We are hard on him and sometimes feels like I'm constantly at him, but otherwise he will take an inch and run a mile.
Unfortunately he can be incredibly manipulative and I know when he doesn't understand something or he's just being a brat. I won't tolerate that behaviour.

He gets his iPad for 30 mins a day (timer on) but only if he earns it by displaying good behaviour/manners.

It's hard but you need to take a stand now. Pull him up on every rude remark/bad behaviour. Consequences are followed through. If you suspect he's on the spectrum, access the right supports as much as possible.

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 28/12/2016 17:13

Yes that is what mil said to him.
Generally she's a thorn in my side.

Partly why my parents took him out was to give him some 1:1 time and we've also taken him out several times to the cinema, trampoline park etc over Christmas without dd.

OP posts:
yorkshapudding · 28/12/2016 17:13

I'd have thought that if he's on the spectrum it would be the other way around - he'd struggle more at school because of the increased stresses there - or would be the same for both

Its very common for children with ASD to present differently in different environments. Lots of kids with ASD thrive on the routine, structure and predictably of school and then really struggle in the holidays or at weekends.

stitchglitched · 28/12/2016 17:14

I would imagine alot of it comes down to the new baby. He is bound to be impacted by all the changes. I have an 8 year old boy with ASD and a 2 year old DD and it was a challenge to try to make sure he wasn't suddenly left out or impacted upon negatively by her arrival. Managing his response to the baby was as important to us as caring for the newborn.

If you are who I think you are you have developed major health anxieties since your baby arrived that are massively impacting upon your family life. Maybe he is lashing out because he can't deal with it. I feel sad for him.

Laniakea · 28/12/2016 17:14

OP please post on the SN boards for advice. Much of what you've described is so very typical of a child with HFA or Aspergers and it can be addressed. But there's some advice here which is incredibly unhelpful and would be counterproductive.

Push for the assessment too. It will help.

(there is no way my 10yo would be even vaguely functional after an day out socialising - even (especially) if it were the best day of his life. Fortunately we all know his limits & wouldn't expect anything else from him - not even a thank you or good bye. He'll be in his room stimming or on the ipad for a good few hours putting himself back together.

His language sounds so typically scripted too - parents of nt children have no idea how quickly & randomly echolalic kids pick phrases up and how they apply them (we currently have 'don't judge me' and 'I'm outta here'). Oh how I feel for you both - it can get better)

Meemolly · 28/12/2016 17:14

He's easily upset though and becomes hysterical if he thinks he's broken one of the rules. The bullies kept saying they were telling on him when he hadn't actually done anything and that was what really upset him.
Your thread makes for slightly uncomfortable reading for me as it reminds me of my son who is 8, especially this sentence which seems to be getting worse for him of late. I don't know what the answer is, but I do think screen time makes his behaviour really bad so I limit but maybe not enough yet.

dataandspot · 28/12/2016 17:14

I also agree with the posters who said children don't come as blank slates!

It's funny how I recieved so much criticism for my child's problems and yet people also thought I had Some input into their amazing GCSEs!! Err no my child came into the world a certain personality!

Hope that made sense!

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 28/12/2016 17:14

I think the physical stuff is part of the dyspraxia.
He is also a complete perfectionist. He'd rather not try than not be able to do something. He gets incredibly frustrated. This isn't a new trait though.

OP posts:
Katy07 · 28/12/2016 17:15

I'd have thought that if he's on the spectrum it would be the other way around - he'd struggle more at school because of the increased stresses there - or would be the same for both.

Not at all. That's a fallacy. Some autistic children utterly thrive on the stability and routine of school and fall to pieces on leaving. I have one of each - one who cannot cope at all and one whose behaviour is exemplary in school.
True - I was thinking about it from a point of view of all the sensory stimulation and the effects that could have. I hadn't taken into account the stability side of it (mainly because I didn't find school that stable - too big and too busy). To me, home is a stable place with quiet and order so I tend to assume its a safe haven for others too. I still think the baby sister has an impact, even if it's just the noise and change in routines. But if there wasn't a sister involved then I'd be thinking autism myself - for once though I'm thinking that it's not the only or entirely main issue involved.

DotForShort · 28/12/2016 17:15

Has there been any unusual stress in the house over the past year? Could he be responding to that?

DailyFail1 · 28/12/2016 17:16

No ipad of his own - it should become yours and you have the right to take if off him whenever you want, no questions asked. No unsupervised TV. If he's impolite he has to be punished immediately for it and you have to enforce this. More outings with friends or (if he doesn't have many friends) then classes/scouts/cubs etc. He def needs to get out of the house.

CloudPerson · 28/12/2016 17:16

Asd doesn't mean a free pass, but it doesn't mean that you can assume this behaviour is rooted in naughtiness, it means you work out what's going on and help him, and use strategies in line with his neurology.

My 11 yr old, when anxious, swears, spits, punches, screams, says really rude things etc, he's not being naughty, he hasn't missed out on decent parenting, he's reacting to situations in the only way he can. When it comes to ASD it doesn't just go away overnight, even with correct strategies progress can be incredibly slow, you're not dealing with a NT child with no sensory issues who,can straighten up deliberate poor behaviour in a letter of days.

OP, everything you've said screams out ASD to me, he is not naughty, you cannot expect him to suddenly behave how everyone seems to think he is capable of.

God, there's a load of bullshit on this thread.

DixieNormas · 28/12/2016 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yippeekiyay2 · 28/12/2016 17:17

Op it definitely sounds like your son may be on the spectrum from what you've said - for those who are questioning that he must have learnt attitude/phrases from somewhere it could literally be from anywhere and he may be using them without recognising issues around tone, context and effect on others. He may also have genuinely found waiting and busy environment too much and have been looking to escape it. Also once home he was probably looking to de stress by using the iPad, this is a common way for many young people with ASD to recover after the stress of the day. I think to completely remove it could be a negative for him but limiting it through discussion with him could work. Also for the pp who mentioned surely he would be worse at school, it's actually extremely common for children with ASD to mask at school and be worse at home, though not always it can be either way round or same in both as they are individuals first before the autism of course! I think it sounds like he is struggling with adjusting to home, social issues at school and so on so please don't just punish the behaviour try and look beyond it too.

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 28/12/2016 17:17

His language isolates him from his peers.
He told one child that Santa wasn't 'scientifically plausible.'

OP posts:
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