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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my son is an ungrateful brat. I have gone badly wrong

317 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 28/12/2016 16:25

Ds, aged 7, has always been demanding and hard work in lots of ways. But as he's grown older he's becoming increasingly rude. He was very ungrateful over Christmas presents and basically anything anyone does for him or with him isn't good enough.

My elderly parents took him out for the day today on a special day out. It was expensive for a start off but that isn't why I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed because they took a day out just for him doing something he would enjoy - it wasn't something they particularly would want to do otherwise. He left the house at 9am and they've just dropped him back. As soon as he walked in he picked up his iPad. I asked him to put it down just until my parents had gone and to tell me about his day. To which he went 'yeah yeah blah blah blah, I want my iPad.'
They'd seen a show so I asked him to show me the programme and he said 'shall I tell you some facts about my life? Number one it's sooooo boring.' And then to my parents: 'are you going now so I can play on my iPad?'
He's such an ungrateful little shit. It must be my fault. I've brought him up. I've gone wrong somewhere because he's horrible. I'm so annoyed with him I don't even want to talk to him. This isn't one off behaviour. This is behaviour we see a lot now. He hasn't been allowed his iPad. However it won't stop him behaving like this again. Nothing does.

Any advice??

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 28/12/2016 16:46

I would have gone insane if my 7yo had behaved liked that.

They would have been in their room, no ipad, and I would have been showing them exactly how boring their life could be.

Being on the autistic spectrum (if he is) is absolutely no excuse at all for such rudeness, and he needs to learn that ASAP.

He probably isn't very happy at the moment. It's probably not presents and theater trips that he wants. It could be just your time and attention, and a day out in the fresh air?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 28/12/2016 16:47

What's his room like in the way of gadgets etc? Would it be a punishment or a treat if you sent him to his room/bed early?

littleshirleybeans · 28/12/2016 16:47

(Clicks, not clucks!)

notagiraffe · 28/12/2016 16:47

He's old enough to have clear explanations as to why it's not OK. DS1 has phases like this. Just naturally a bit entitled and arrogant but also very lovely underneath. When he;s rude and indifferent I really have a go. A very short but very cross go. I'd spell out that granny and grandpa had organised a whole day around him, not them, at their expense, and because they loved him and wanted to show it and if he couldn't appreciate it, he was spoiled. I always say to DS: you're behaving like a spoiled brat and that's my fault because I'm your mum and it;s my job to ensure you never EVER behave like a spoiled brat again, so right now, you and I are going to rake leaves/clear out the garage/wash the dustbins and until the end of today if there is anything you want or need, you will ask politely for it not take it for granted.' Then I insist he helps with the chosen job but once we start it I'm nice to him, not cross. It seems to work with him.

DJBaggySmalls · 28/12/2016 16:48

Children aren't born a blank canvas, they have a personality. I dont think mothers are to blame for every problem.
What are his peers like?

diddl · 28/12/2016 16:48

" Ds moaned a lot about how the people working there were idiots and why was it taking so long "

Where would he get such a view from?

notagiraffe · 28/12/2016 16:48

Sorry - that's barely intelligible. Been out for lunch. Had wine.

missingmumxox · 28/12/2016 16:49

I read it and thought, I feel your pain, my son had a diagnosis of Autism, the use of older language and "blah, blah" as I wager he has never heard anyone use those words but has read them, but doesn't realise that these are words which are not used in conversation my son says "blah, blah" all the flipping time, and the punishments not working, issues with waiting, calling people idiots all very familiar to me.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 28/12/2016 16:49

You say MIL bought the iPad so does that mean he sees his Dad or Dad lives at home? What does he say about your sins behaviour and how does he deal with it?

CloudPerson · 28/12/2016 16:49

Lynette, yes, but if he is on the spectrum it's unlikely that he'll learn by being isolated in his room.

It's also important to understand that his behaviour is most likely a result of environmental factors - change, too much peopling, sensory stuff, and that cannot be treated as naughtiness.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 28/12/2016 16:49

I don't think it's necessarily about what games they play (unless they playing violent games which of course for a child is a no no)

Even minecraft which is better than others they are not using their imagination much, they shut off into their own world, lack interaction with others and they have constant entertainment which can be switched to something more entertaining if they get bored with a few taps on a screen that is so far removed from how we behave in life they don't have to think much

And as for th arguments it improves coordination this just simply isn't necessary for most children as they will improve naturally over time with other activities

You will no doubt get tantrums, be told you are so mean blah blah blah and it will be tempting to hand it back for a bit of peace and quiet just stick it out

Original poster

Skatingonthinice16 · 28/12/2016 16:49

We've taken him out to the park on his bike quite a bit over Christmas, played lots of board games and we've spent a lot of time visiting family. Mil unfortunately is now all about the baby (I'm not playing with you today now x is here) which I know upsets ds and he said 'nanny's not interested in me anymore.' Which he sadly true.
I'm nearly 100% that he's on the spectrum. I'm waiting an assessment but because he coped well at school, albeit he talks like an adult and is very pedantic - it's not seen as hugely urgent.

OP posts:

HamletsSister · 28/12/2016 16:50

There are apps you can get that shut down a gadget after so many minutes, or require a password to continue. You could use one of those and he "earns" each hour.

Shurelyshomemistake · 28/12/2016 16:50

While his behaviour is certainly pretty bad, I think you have a hunch OP that this is something to do with having a new sister?

Have you talked to him about how he feels about having a new baby? Why this was important to you as a family? How he feels? Quite possibly he is feeling pushed out.

This isn't an excuse for his behaviour, but it may well help partially explain it.

I think for some children, empathy and gratitude needs to be developed. I have one child who is naturally gregarious, very grateful and wouldn't do this sort of stuff, and another who absolutely would. With the ungracious one, I sometimes have to absolutely spell it out "if you had cooked granny a cake and she said it was rubbish and horrible, how would that make you feel?" well, that's how granny feels when you say horrible things to her. You have made her feel very bad." etc. etc. etc. Just factual, matter of fact. And then when the inevitable tears and remorse come, you can soften then blow by acknowledging they've seen the error of their ways and reassuring them that everyone makes mistakes, etc.

Good luck - and be kind to yourself: some kids are just more prone to this than others. You're not the worst parent in the world by miles :)

JiltedJohnsJulie · 28/12/2016 16:50

diddl that really struck me too.

RubyRoseViolet · 28/12/2016 16:51

Shurely....thank you so much for saying that! My Dd is an only child and is extremely polite and well behaved. How insulting!

Op I think his comments were pretty outrageous and I really do mean that. I'm amazed that some people are trying to justify them. Dw and I would be incandescent with Dd if she'd ever spoken to people like that let alone people who'd taken her out for a special treat.

He will have to experience some serious consequences (no ipad, early bedtime, missing another treat) to understand just how upsetting those remarks were. If I were you I'd also insist he makes a sincere apology to your parents.

NavyandWhite · 28/12/2016 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wonderflonium · 28/12/2016 16:52

When things are a bit more settled and quiet tomorrow, have a heart to heart with him. Lots of open questions. Ask him about how he felt when he got a new baby sister. What's been going on with the horrible kids at school picking on him. How IS he... Then go over how you feel when he chooses to be mean or ungrateful and ask him how he would like to move forward in the future.

Agree with all the advice about consequences and tellings off when he goes over the line but I think you need to get to the bottom of what's going on with him. Maybe he's just testing the line or maybe it's a cry for help but you won't know until you ask.

CloudPerson · 28/12/2016 16:52

Diddl, my son does exactly this, and it certainly hasn't been modelled by anyone. Child's behaviour is not always modelled by someone, sometimes it is very reactive behaviour to circumstances.

OP I'd suggest that you post in the SN section, you may get some helpful pointers.

RubyRoseViolet · 28/12/2016 16:53

Aaaargh, sorry op, I didn't read your last post. My response was overly harsh given your concerns. That said his behaviour still needs checking but with those added challenges a different approach may also be required. Apologies for not reading carefully!

Original poster

Skatingonthinice16 · 28/12/2016 16:53

Dh is here but works away a lot usually.

I don't know re people in restaurant. He isn't very patient about anything. Apparently he was standing up and saying 'forget it, let's just go.'

He has always been extremely hard work. Always. Didn't sleep. Over the top reactions to everything. Terrible with textures / foods / noises. Constant need to be stimulated but easily over stimulated.
But this really ungrateful spoilt behaviour has only emerged really over the last twelve months I'd say

OP posts:

missyB1 · 28/12/2016 16:54

Ok so time to start consistently addressing this behaviour. I would write out a reminder about manners and the consequences for forgetting them on a large poster, stick it up on the kitchen wall or his bedroom wall. Then apply any necessary consequences EVERY SINGLE TIME he is rude. I would also insist on apologies - I hope he was made to apologise to your parents?

Also think carefully about where he has been hearing this kind of talk, and what / who are the influences in his life? Is it on screen? Unsavoury friends? Or someone in the home?

BakeOffBiscuits · 28/12/2016 16:55

I don't blame you for feeling so angry about his behaviour. Even a much younger child would be expected to have a little chat about what he'd been doing and when he came in.

I would have a calm chat, telling him that there are new house rules and that politeness and good behaviour will be rewarded with screen time. If he misbehaves or is rude, screen time goes.

How much screen time is recommended for a 7 year old? Whatever it is I wouldn't let him go over that. There would also be lots and lots of praise for polite behaviour.

Stripyhoglets · 28/12/2016 16:55

You said you think he may be on the spectrum and have dyspraxia - in which case he still needs to learn manners and how to behave etc but some of the methods above will just make things a million times worse. If he doesn't see the world or process things the way that other kids do - normal discipline won't work. Have a look at some ASD boards for help and advice. It's no excuse for bad manners but you may need things like social stories to help him understand how to be more appropriate and at least appear grateful.

creakyknees13 · 28/12/2016 16:55

He will probably turn out nice, they usually do

Not really. There are huge numbers of selfish, nasty, spoiled and entitled adults and I doubt that they were angels as children.

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