Birthday/Christmas upset

[holidayponderings]

A few months ago dh fell out with his parents who were visiting our home...as mil was yelling at him about not liking our house rules, i intervened and said you need to abide by them or leave - so she called to fil and they both left. We have been clear they cannot visit our home any longer but we will meet somewhere in our town so they can see the dc eg softplay, park, cafe they can choose.
Since then things have been very strained but i have taken the dc to their house an hours drive away to see them for an afternoon.
We have had limited phone contact....mostly fil and myself.....mil has been ignoring calls and yelling at dh when she has answered.
Obviously christmas is here, we also have a dc birthday.
We invited them to dc1 christmas concert which they attended.....dc gave xmas gifts and cards etc....they said they had left theirs at home 😕.
We got a text asking what day we were visiting for xmas and dh phoned back to say we have a new baby we will not be visiting anyone at present...but we were happy for them to meet with the dc. They said they'd come to our home, we said no but would facilitate a meeting in our town....they said no. We said fine.
We then received a text saying seen your nieces today and have a big bag of birthday and xmas gifts to pass onto you.....what day can you come to our home to collect them 😯. ( we havent told anyone whats happened so as not to involve the family etc)
I'm so upset.....i've tried to keep the peace for months and now my pil have a bag of gifts for my dc that i cannot get. Its my dc birthday and not only has she not got a gift from her gp, but her aunties gifts are now being kept from her.....i've had my baby 2 weeks...i cannot get on the car and drive an hour to pick them up and they bloody well know it!
(I have 5 dc its hard work and dh and i just need to be home with the kiddies right now).
Aibu....what can i say to make them understand or am i flogging a dead donkey?

I think if the children love their grandparents - as adopted children - it is shameful to consider cutting contact on this basis.

You cannot control everybody - even if the children do have special needs , when the children adults they are not going to be able to control other people to meet their needs so it's about helping them to manage their emotions around these frustrations - not role modelling cutting people off when they do not conform.

Life is short. And as someone who isn't particularly a great fan of my own in laws, I am very civil and they are welcome in my home because they are fundamentally great grandparents, although they do not pander to their every whim and I wouldn't expect them to.

You are a NIGHTMARE DiL.

It's a YANBU from me.

It feels like mil knows the effect it has, both on you and the kids and does it anyway.
I wonder if mil and fil are the type to think you aren't 'disciplining' the children properly?

Our neighbour fell out with me because I dared to prune her climber that was strangling my apple tree. Cue 'I've lived here for 40 years' and calling me a bitch, then chucking over glass and nails into the garden and driveway (when we had very young children.)
It did hurt a little when mil was all chatty with her.

As the op doesn't want to disclose the disability I can't comment specifically. But one of my dc has a disability and as a result waiting for things was very difficult when he was younger. He reacted in a similar way in similar circumstances. I agree with others that cutting people off who present difficulties won't generally help in the long term. Empathising with the distress and giving the child the skills to regulate themselves by for e.g. Finding something enjoyable to do to pass the time is much more useful. This won't be the only occasion that the children have to wait - it is a skill they will need to use daily. My child is able to wait for things now. If I had avoided occasions he had to wait I doubt he would ever have learned. Parenting needs to be a balance between protecting children from harm whilst also giving them the resilience to cope with life.

My nephew is adopted and my sister and brother-in-law went NC with us and reduced contact with his family years ago. They also don't like their neighbours and regularly fall out with other people, yes I believe they are the problem not everyone else. I miss my nephew , my sister not so much.

YANBU. I have a friend with an adopted DC and she has had to work so, so hard with bonding and addressing insecurity - over food, over being abandoned, even waking up in the same room All of the work she has had to put into wider familial relationships has hinged on her relatives understanding that this is not a typical situation. So whilst a secure and NT child could be distracted and gently guided to not cry and overreact because Granny hasn't come in yet, it's not always that easy for an adoptive child or LAC.

I find it odd anyway that she would want to stand outside for 20 minutes talking to the neighbours, without even coming in to say hello to you all. She hasn't come to see the neighbours, so why prioritise them over an insecure child who is desperate to see Granny?

And as for the comment about not doing any more damage to your children. That was vile and utterly uncalled for and the person who posted that should be bloody ashamed of themselves for being so fucking spiteful

Mil's actions demonstrate a massive lack of understanding of the children's needs. Although if they love her, she will cause them hurt and damage if she takes the hard line. 'She'll have to learn to wait.' That sort of thing.

I've no doubt this is the tip of the iceberg and OP and dh will have tried to explain the needs of adoptive children. They need to be prioritised. They need calm adults. They need people who understand their needs.

If you want to continue trying to repair all this might you send an email with some more info on all this? I'm sure you have done this but worth a try? Any other family members who 'get it' better?

This isn't a thread about presents, it's way more fundamental about grandparents who won't be flexible. Who know best and think children should learn to do as they are told and wait quietly. Whilst they, the adults can do whatever they want. They should be bending over backwards to be helping and accommodating. Sadly that's not likely. Perhaps a rephrasing of the House Rules would be a compromise but frankly tou may well be absolutely right to trust your instinct and keep contact very low.

Of course it's not going to be a case of simply distracting a very distressed child. But you should be working towards helping them cope with that kind of situation - not just avoiding it by cutting people off when a situation arises that the children struggle with.
There is no indication in any of the ops posts that the mil is even aware of the level of distress the children are in wen she chats outside. The dh asked her to come in because the children were waiting - not because they were upset. The op says that the fil now comes straight in rather than staying outside so I think it's unfair to say they don't care. The children clearly like their gp a lot and it sounds like the wider family have accepted the children into the family fully despite them, through no fault of their own , having behavioural challenges.
This is a good opportunity to teach resillience as well as problem solving. Could the mil park further up the street and only come to the op's house when she's finished her chat? Could she say her goodbyes and visit the neighbour on her way home? The childrens needs need to be considered but I don't think it's good for any child to learn that their preferences are the ONLY ones that need to be considered. Or for them to lern that if someone behaves in a way you don't like you should completely cut them off.

Why does the MIL have to be asked to come in? Is she exceptionally stupid or just very rude?

OP I kind of get it. You say your DC are adopted, so I'm assuming they were in care first and there were good reasons for that, which has affected their behaviour and what they can cope with. I can see you say they're disabled as well. From experience, that can result in needing lots of rules and boundaries in your home, and I imagine that you have to be strict about these - not to be controlling, but so that the family functions well.

Again from experience though, you can't force these rules onto other adults, or always expect them to understand. I think that might be the problem here? I'm assuming a lot so might be wrong, and I might be projecting but I think I can understand and empathise how you got to this point. Like I say though - without explaining this, GP and others just won't get it.

I'm on the fence here! While it would piss me off if the GPs loitered outside chatting I certainly wouldn't wait with a distressed child(ren). With 3 adults surely one of you could have taken the upset child outside as they were desperate to see the GP and then hopefully the neighbour would take the hint and toddle off inside? As for them being adopted and needing different parenting if you are insistent on this then why are you even suggesting going NC? Even withdrawing the visits is bad enough, but NC, seriously? I wonder if there's a lot more to this. You clearly have a heck of a lot going on and maybe need to chat with them about how important the relationship is with the children but you find it really hard when she doesn't come straight in. Failing that I'd just draw the curtains when I knew she was visiting so the kids didn't see! I think it's a little odd your concern is just a lack of presents and not 'how can I salvage this relationship before my kids have to experience another loss, this time avoidable' :s