Birthday/Christmas upset

[holidayponderings]

A few months ago dh fell out with his parents who were visiting our home...as mil was yelling at him about not liking our house rules, i intervened and said you need to abide by them or leave - so she called to fil and they both left. We have been clear they cannot visit our home any longer but we will meet somewhere in our town so they can see the dc eg softplay, park, cafe they can choose.
Since then things have been very strained but i have taken the dc to their house an hours drive away to see them for an afternoon.
We have had limited phone contact....mostly fil and myself.....mil has been ignoring calls and yelling at dh when she has answered.
Obviously christmas is here, we also have a dc birthday.
We invited them to dc1 christmas concert which they attended.....dc gave xmas gifts and cards etc....they said they had left theirs at home 😕.
We got a text asking what day we were visiting for xmas and dh phoned back to say we have a new baby we will not be visiting anyone at present...but we were happy for them to meet with the dc. They said they'd come to our home, we said no but would facilitate a meeting in our town....they said no. We said fine.
We then received a text saying seen your nieces today and have a big bag of birthday and xmas gifts to pass onto you.....what day can you come to our home to collect them 😯. ( we havent told anyone whats happened so as not to involve the family etc)
I'm so upset.....i've tried to keep the peace for months and now my pil have a bag of gifts for my dc that i cannot get. Its my dc birthday and not only has she not got a gift from her gp, but her aunties gifts are now being kept from her.....i've had my baby 2 weeks...i cannot get on the car and drive an hour to pick them up and they bloody well know it!
(I have 5 dc its hard work and dh and i just need to be home with the kiddies right now).
Aibu....what can i say to make them understand or am i flogging a dead donkey?

YABU and controlling. Frankly, if I was your MiL I'd go NC with you.

It's fine to put your foot down about the shouting. Bit odd to insist mother doesn't chat to someone. Your DC maybe should have been distracted? Or let out to see her.

I have a similar problem with my mother and stepfather - but actually more severe. Because of this I have analysed it to death. If people fall out this much when everybody is trying to do the 'polite grandparents visit' (and, believe me, I have ejected my mother from my home and not spoken to her since April and I really don't care if I ever do again) - then there is usually an underlying problem that hasn't been got past.

I don't recommend you fall out with them - it is really upsetting in the long run and, of course, the children do not get the benefit of their input which is not the best for anybody.

BUT - and this is really important...sometimes that input can be negative and if it is willfully intentional then I agree - their input is not required.

A lot of people have this idea that you MUST be involved with your relatives and I really don't know why they think this. If you are all adults and they are deliberately treating you badly - you don't have to put up with that.

However - if you can get on and put aside your differences then you could benefit from the extra support.

You just have to weigh it up - are they making you more miserable than helping?

In my case they definitely were making us more miserable and their intentions were based on jealousy, bitterness and one-upmanship and I didn't want my children to have to experience that all the time.

If there is any chance of saving the relationship - do try - but don't let people make you feel bad. They are making you feel bad now, aren't they?

For many years I found that 'little contact, but we haven't really fallen out' worked well for the kids...they don't think there is a major problem and they can call on them, but none of you have to put up with it.

Final warning though - this worked until my kids got to their teens and my mother attempted to form friendships with them on Facebook which were based on undermining my parenting and slagging me off unfairly - hence the now complete banning...

My kids agree.

But do try if this people really care about you.

It is also odd that your mil is holding the gifts at ransom. Can't your DH collect them?

Sorry 'these people' - not 'this people' - it is 6 am and I am up, upset about something else entirely. Good luck - you are only trying your best and you obviously have high standards of behaviour which you expect from other people. You, often, won't get it...it just depends whether you can stand it. That is how most of these 'everybody be polite and put up with each other no matter what' families seem to operate. I often see families at Christmas looking utterly miserable, but trying their best to put up with it. I suppose they must really love them or something - because I'd really rather not bother...

Does she knock on your neighbour's door or is your neighbour poised by the window ready to pounce? Sounds very odd.

I think you should say they can visit as long as they can just do quick hello to the neighbour. Or ask her to tell the neighbour she'll pop round to gossip after she's seen the dc for a while. She's taken the love thy neighbour a bit too literally! No excuse to shout in your house though. I think you should give mil a last chance at your house. She should I'd have taken up the offer of meeting in a cafe though.

Sorry I am with OP on this. The MIL is being very rude - even if the children were not crying, why would anyone stand outside for 20 minutes when people are waiting in the house for them. Even worse she is talking to neighbours she knows you do not have a good relationship with. Why not respect that and stay right out of it?

A quick hello / nod is completely acceptable - but a 20 minute chat as she enters the house is rude to her hosts. Why can't she speak to these neighbours later once she has seen the kids?

Your son needs to speak to his mother given the adopted 5 children and the parenting etc. If nothing changes I'm afraid you just have to accept she is the way she is. Maybe visit her instead - which I can see will be challenging with 5 kids with special needs.

UABU

Your mil can talk to whomever she likes, just because you don't get on with your neighbours doesn't mean she can't speak to them. Do you expect your dh, children, family not to speak to whomever you choose not to speak to??

I appreciate your adopted children may have complex needs but again you're expecting your mil to do as you say, making them wait 20 mins is not outrageous.

As for offering to take the Christmas presents, perhaps she was trying to help that family member? Maybe your mil and fil want to smooth things offering and they feel it will give them a reason to come to your home or you to theirs?

I think you're being completely OTT.

My god OP life is short and this is a ridiculous thing to feud with family over.

Great post Angel

Can you phone the Auntie and explain you can't get over to pick up the gifts because of new baby and can she bring them over for DD. Maybe invite them for afternoon tea if they can get over.

Good solution Benedikte

I'm on OP's side.

It's not talking to neighbours that she doesn't get on with that's the problem - it's standing there gassing for 20 minutes while children who can't understand , are waiting and crying for her.

It's not having a difference of opinion, it SHOUTING in someone else's house, where there are children who might have exereinced a lot of upsetting shouting directed at them, that's the problem.

Raised voices are upsetting for any child - doubly so, I would think for an adopted child who may feel very fragile in his/her home.

Four disabled children and a new baby? Get on the bus? Are you - if I may coin phrase never used on MN before - on glue?

Your MIL sounds bad-mannered and bossy, but I wonder if this is a clumsy attempt to share your company.

(I wouldn't want people shouting at me in my own home, either - "grown woman" or not.)

*experienced - not whatever that word the autocorrect produced is

hookliedandsinkedher

Good posts

Sorry I meant your husband needs to speak to her.

To fall out over inlaws being outside talking to your neighbours whiie children upset indoors seems silly

Yes children need to reliese they can't work theirselves up over something so small - tho depends what sn they have and how you usually handle a tearful explosion

You have gp's who want to see their gc -many on here don't

Extend an olive branch. Maybe explain in a letter that dc get very upset if they see granny but can't talk to her - so once she is in your front garden can she say hi to neighbour then wave to children and come inside

Oh, so now you're not getting on with your in-laws because you didn't get on with your neighbours?

Who next?

No, I'm with OP here. There is a bit of a power struggle going on, with MiL wanting access to the children on her terms. These children need a carefully controlled environment, which OP is trying to provide and MiL is not respecting.

Living with traumatised children is demanding and you end up looking like, and sometimes being, a complete control freak.

I agree with PP that this isn't the place to talk about it- most people do not get the particular dynamics of adoption/Sen, and many people do not get the dynamics of insensitive self centred DPs.
All these answers make sense if you have loving parents and grandparents who respond to the needs of their children, and typical children who can learn to wait a bit and cope with emotional tensions. But that isn't OPs situation.

It's a question of perception. One person's standing outside talking to the neighbours for 20 minutes ignoring dgcs and then shouting may be another person's being polite to the neighbours for 10 minutes (I doubt you used a stopwatch), not realising the dgcs were getting upset and then reacting loudly when told off.

I suspect the truth is somewhere in between, but whatever it is, it's surely not bad enough to ban your pils from your house? That seems like a very extreme reaction.

I think like most people on this thread I started out thinking YWBVU but now not so sure.

I can appreciate that for a whole family of siblings to have been adopted their previous life must have been awful hence the no yelling rule. That much makes sense.

However by speaking to his DM as if she was a child your DH undoubtedly made her respond in child mode so made matters worse. Six of one and half a dozen of the other. As a PP said, a quiet word would have been better.

FWIW I also think it would be a shame to go NC if the DC like their GPs. If you explain about your parenting calmly and with the reasons why the GPs could be another solid part of the family.

I'm not keen on going NC with people except in the most dire circumstances. As we go through life we come across a wide range of people, some not particularly nice, and we need to learn how to deal with them. Initially learned from our parents.

I think that when you visit people you take your cue from them about how much you interact with others who form their environment eg neighbours. Because as a visitor you just don't know the in and outs of the relationships eg past conflicts etc.
Also I think that if you arrive at someone's home as a guest, it is basic courtesy to greet the family you are visiting as soon as possible. MIL was breaking fairly basic social norms by her behaviour which does suggest some sort of passive aggressiveness on her part.

My mum does this when my parents visit, she lives a natter and then can't stop. So my dad comes in and plays with then until granny us finished chatting. Not the end of the world, jut how she is.

Apart from all the background. I think exchanging presents in a public place is awful. You either need to go get the presents or let gp drop them off

Hook has made some excellent points that explain what's going on for you. I have disabled children and my in-laws often did things that made things more difficult for them rather than just listening to us. It's infuriating.

However, it's the way you have dealt with it that has made matters worse.
If only adoptive parents understand what you are doing, how do you expect neighbours and other relatives to understand? Just telling them isn't likely to be enough, they need time to develop an understanding.

Trying to control everyone around you is impossible, exhausting and ineffective. Control what you can - yourselves. Give friends and relatives information and time, but do it calmly. People don't learn when they are being told off or shouted at.

If a relationship with them is impossible then cut contact. This bizarre arrangement does not work and you can't complain about not getting presents when you are not willing to visit each other.

YABU. I actually think it's you keeping your Dc from the grandparents.

I wouldn't have a house rule that says they can't chat to your neighbours before coming in. You could have explained to you DD that her Grandma would be in soon
Okay Mil shouldn't have yelled at you but there was no reason to throw them out

Life is too short for this kind of squabble!

Yes it's annoying that your MIL stands outside talking when the kids are excited to see her but I'm sorry you are the only person witholding presents from your children!

If I fell out with my mum everytime she gossiped or chatted to a neighbour I wouldn't have talked to her in years!!

They purposely took someone else's presents for the OP's family to create a difficult situation to try and force contact. I have read about this 'MIL chatting to the neighbours in the garden while the children are waiting ' type shite behaviour before. It's very passive-aggressive and very purposely disrespectful to the waiting family.