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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday/Christmas upset

211 replies

holidayponderings · 26/12/2016 22:43

A few months ago dh fell out with his parents who were visiting our home...as mil was yelling at him about not liking our house rules, i intervened and said you need to abide by them or leave - so she called to fil and they both left. We have been clear they cannot visit our home any longer but we will meet somewhere in our town so they can see the dc eg softplay, park, cafe they can choose.
Since then things have been very strained but i have taken the dc to their house an hours drive away to see them for an afternoon.
We have had limited phone contact....mostly fil and myself.....mil has been ignoring calls and yelling at dh when she has answered.
Obviously christmas is here, we also have a dc birthday.
We invited them to dc1 christmas concert which they attended.....dc gave xmas gifts and cards etc....they said they had left theirs at home 😕.
We got a text asking what day we were visiting for xmas and dh phoned back to say we have a new baby we will not be visiting anyone at present...but we were happy for them to meet with the dc. They said they'd come to our home, we said no but would facilitate a meeting in our town....they said no. We said fine.
We then received a text saying seen your nieces today and have a big bag of birthday and xmas gifts to pass onto you.....what day can you come to our home to collect them 😯. ( we havent told anyone whats happened so as not to involve the family etc)
I'm so upset.....i've tried to keep the peace for months and now my pil have a bag of gifts for my dc that i cannot get. Its my dc birthday and not only has she not got a gift from her gp, but her aunties gifts are now being kept from her.....i've had my baby 2 weeks...i cannot get on the car and drive an hour to pick them up and they bloody well know it!
(I have 5 dc its hard work and dh and i just need to be home with the kiddies right now).
Aibu....what can i say to make them understand or am i flogging a dead donkey?

OP posts:
MyWineTime · 26/12/2016 23:39

You sound like hard work!
They aren't allowed to talk to your neighbours because you don't like them?
If the kids wanted to see her and she was chatting, open the door and let the kids go and get her.
You want them to obey you, not follow normal house rules.

mygorgeousmilo · 26/12/2016 23:39

Just RTFT to find out the MIL's crime..... agghhh what a monster Xmas Shock

YABU and keeping adopted children with disabilities(obviously any children, but these are additional needs) from GPS that love them and want to see them is really messed up. I can't see a valid reason for any of this drama... threatening to go nc is just nuts, no wonder you don't speak to your neighbours either, you're hard work!

CinderellaFant · 26/12/2016 23:40

Godh, they aren't allowed to come to your house to deliver presents, you won't go and pick them up- what are they meant to do?? It sounds like they are trying- YOU are the problem here!

Wendalicious · 26/12/2016 23:40

A little odd but cut her some slack- did I read she has a new baby and must be hard work with disabled children too (goodwill to all men?!)

CinderellaFant · 26/12/2016 23:40

Godh, they aren't allowed to come to your house to deliver presents, you won't go and pick them up- what are they meant to do?? It sounds like they are trying- YOU are the problem here!

haveacupoftea · 26/12/2016 23:40

YABVU

MyWineTime · 26/12/2016 23:41

Why didn't you take your DC out to see her rather than leave them sobbing inside?

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2016 23:41

Yabu, this is absurd.
Your mil is quite correct, she can talk to whomever she likes. Your reaction was inappropriate and frankly ridiculous.

mygorgeousmilo · 26/12/2016 23:42

Oh and yes, get your husband to get the gifts if you can't!

Crispbutty · 26/12/2016 23:43

So your father in law had gone in, your mother in law was outside talking.... If the children were getting so hysterical, why on earth couldn't one of the three adults in the house have just calmly popped outside and said "hi neighbour, hey mum sorry to interrupt but can I drag you in as the kids are going crazy to see you"... Rather than creating a ridiculous fall out.

longdiling · 26/12/2016 23:44

Oh, someone makes a good point upthread. Were your in laws gossiping about you?

WyfOfBathe · 26/12/2016 23:45

Like a previous poster said, why can't DH go to collect the presents - taking one or more of the DC with him if you don't want to be at home with them all.

Yes, it would have been polite for your MIL to have said hello to you first, but you could have just distracted the kids rather than leaving them to cry out the window forlornly. Anyway, if your children are crying due to having to wait for 20 minutes to see their grandma, is stopping them from having any contact really in the DC's best interests?

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2016 23:45

What additional needs prevent you from saying 'granny's just talking to the neighbour, she'll be in shortly, go and play till then.' And them saying 'ok, then.'

brasty · 26/12/2016 23:46

Why have you fallen out with the neighbours?

maras2 · 26/12/2016 23:46

Don't be so bloody silly. < now I've put my 2 penn'orth in this is bound to go Pfft as no one can be that daft >
Threadkiller me. Xmas Smile

hookliedandsinkedher · 26/12/2016 23:48

I recognise you from the adoption board.

You are brave posting in aibu! You've just adopted your fifth baby. You will be at your most stressed just now, and all the kids will be adjusting. You are allowed to be feeling wobbly, unreasonable, and need kid gloves. Fuck off everyone else judging OP, OP deserves a large gin and biscuits.

So, the grandparents are not willing to observe the rules you have put in place to help your vulnerable, traumatised children to feel secure, loved and happy, is that right? That is very difficult, and something non-adopters may not understand.

Are you worried missing these gifts will be seen as a rejection by your DD and other kids? The last thing adopted kids need is anything rejecting. I know you know that, OP, but others posting probably haven't thought about it.

I can well believe that traumatised kids with extreme fears of rejection, pretty typical for adopted kids, would cry for their grandma, and not understand why she's putting someone else before them. I can also understand that yelling is never acceptable in a household with traumised kids.

OP, fancy a chat over on adoption?

wizzywig · 26/12/2016 23:48

Having 3 kids with disabilities i know that your perception of normality can get seriously skewed. Op if your kids are anything like mine, the constant screaming can absolutely wear you down to the point where you just want it to stop. And you know if your mil goes straight from her car into your house then there will be peace. So seeing your mil take her sweet time catching up with her buddies whilst you are having to explain to kids (that may not understand) why its taking so long, has driven you mad. Only thing is, as your inlaws get a break from yr kids, they can see clearly that what they are doing is not unreasonable. I think if she was a supportive mil then she would leg it into your house. Perhaps set up the expectation that your mil will always speak to her friends for 30 mins and then come into the house.

FlyingElbows · 26/12/2016 23:49

Threads like this make me so angry. Op nobody's keeping those presents from your child but you. Your behaviour is ridiculous and your bleating protestations of having to go "no contact" because of your Mil's heinous sin of having a wee chat with a neighbour is a fucking insult to those of us who have lived through the life changing event of going nc for serious self and sanity preserving reasons. "nc" and "narcissist" are thrown round mn like damn confetti and downright ridiculous how flippant some of you. Get a hold of yourself ffs, op, before you do those kids more damage than has been done already.

thatdearoctopus · 26/12/2016 23:49

Look forget the sodding presents and who collects them. You cannot accept gifts from people who you've pretty much disowned.

MorrisZapp · 26/12/2016 23:50

Your kids sob if grandma doesn't come straight in, so you've banned them from seeing her? Makes sense.

FlyingElbows · 26/12/2016 23:50

"It's" and "are".

DragonMamma · 26/12/2016 23:51

How weird is your behaviour...you've gone almost NC because they stop and chat bro the neighbours for half an hour or so?

YABU and batshit to boot.

Rafflesway · 26/12/2016 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aprilanne · 26/12/2016 23:51

think about it op. your children were obviously taken from birth parents because they were neglected or whatever .now they have a mother and father who is putting there pettyness in the way of them having a relationship with there grandparents sorry but that is being very selfish and not a good parent ..the only reason they are not recieving presents is you .

pregnantat50 · 26/12/2016 23:52

Is this a genuine thread? so your MIL comes to visit her grandchildren, when she arrives she acknowledges a neighbour and makes polite friendly conversation on her way to the front door. Your DH, storms out and angrily accuses her of talking to the neighbours ..all hell breaks lose and you basically chuck DHs parents out banishing them for ever more! Sorry this sounds madness, some people have genuine problems, please dont stop the DC from having grandparents in their life. I think you may need help, as this is just not normal behaviour. So yes you ABU

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