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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday/Christmas upset

211 replies

holidayponderings · 26/12/2016 22:43

A few months ago dh fell out with his parents who were visiting our home...as mil was yelling at him about not liking our house rules, i intervened and said you need to abide by them or leave - so she called to fil and they both left. We have been clear they cannot visit our home any longer but we will meet somewhere in our town so they can see the dc eg softplay, park, cafe they can choose.
Since then things have been very strained but i have taken the dc to their house an hours drive away to see them for an afternoon.
We have had limited phone contact....mostly fil and myself.....mil has been ignoring calls and yelling at dh when she has answered.
Obviously christmas is here, we also have a dc birthday.
We invited them to dc1 christmas concert which they attended.....dc gave xmas gifts and cards etc....they said they had left theirs at home 😕.
We got a text asking what day we were visiting for xmas and dh phoned back to say we have a new baby we will not be visiting anyone at present...but we were happy for them to meet with the dc. They said they'd come to our home, we said no but would facilitate a meeting in our town....they said no. We said fine.
We then received a text saying seen your nieces today and have a big bag of birthday and xmas gifts to pass onto you.....what day can you come to our home to collect them 😯. ( we havent told anyone whats happened so as not to involve the family etc)
I'm so upset.....i've tried to keep the peace for months and now my pil have a bag of gifts for my dc that i cannot get. Its my dc birthday and not only has she not got a gift from her gp, but her aunties gifts are now being kept from her.....i've had my baby 2 weeks...i cannot get on the car and drive an hour to pick them up and they bloody well know it!
(I have 5 dc its hard work and dh and i just need to be home with the kiddies right now).
Aibu....what can i say to make them understand or am i flogging a dead donkey?

OP posts:

DollyPlastic · 26/12/2016 23:08

I'm going keeping their shoes on

JennyWoodentop · 26/12/2016 23:09

What do you want to happen? Do you want to stick to your principals more than you want your children to have their gifts, or do you want the gifts regardless?

Context is all, so I agree with PPs that it really depends on the house rule they broke - if it was such a great crime, then the gifts don't really matter do they?

So they agree for you to go to their place to collect the gifts, but you can't or won't
They agree to come to your house with the gifts but you won't agree to have them in the house due to a broken house rule
The only thing you will agree to is to meet them in town, neutral ground and all that - fair enough if it was a nasty disagreement - but they won't agree

Well if that's it, you're stuck till someone blinks first.
Personally if I was so upset and angry as to ban family from my house then I probably wouldn't want them to have much, if any, contact with my kids and I certainly couldn't care less about presents, but that's just me. It's a shame if other family members gave them presents to pass on, but maybe post them next time.

millymollymandy82 · 26/12/2016 23:10

OP we really need more details. As it stands you're not coming off well.

Waltermittythesequel · 26/12/2016 23:11

This sounds bizarre.

If you want the presents that badly, why not send dh to collect them?

LemonyFresh · 26/12/2016 23:11

YABU. Life is too short, all these dramatics will hurt your children more than anything in the long run and give them a really dysfunctional view of what family life should be like.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 26/12/2016 23:11

Well as we have no idea what 'rules' were broken no one can comment really.

Tissunnyupnorth · 26/12/2016 23:12

I think I'm going to scream if I read another MIL/FIL/SIL/BIL thread, describing completely bonkers behaviour with no detail as to the cause. How can we tell if YABU unless we know why you threw them out of your house.

PlaymobilPirate · 26/12/2016 23:13

Depends on the rules they broke really...

MouseLove · 26/12/2016 23:13

Marking my place to find out the house rules... I've never known anyone to have house rules before!!

clementineorange · 26/12/2016 23:14

Here you go OP

YorkieDorkie · 26/12/2016 23:14

No idea... what was the rule? Then you'll know if YABU!

8misskitty8 · 26/12/2016 23:16

Without knowing the 'rule' we can't comment on this.

Benedikte2 · 26/12/2016 23:16

Can you phone the Auntie and explain you can't get over to pick up the gifts because of new baby and can she bring them over for DD. Maybe invite them for afternoon tea if they can get over.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/12/2016 23:16

Yep, depends on rule.

Also, get your DH to go and get them. Surely not as big a deal as you are turning it into.

fudgesmummy · 26/12/2016 23:16

I'm not marking my place to find out what rules were broken at all....

lougle · 26/12/2016 23:16

You can't have it all ways

NerrSnerr · 26/12/2016 23:17

It's odd that you won't visit them either. I agree with the others, we need to know the house rules they broke.

honeysucklejasmine · 26/12/2016 23:17

Weird. Don't rely understand why one of you can't go and collect them.

monkeywithacowface · 26/12/2016 23:17

It's an hour away not the other side of the country. I'm sure you will cope for two hours whilst your dh drives to pick up the presents. You are making it harder than it needs to be. Fair enough if you don't want them in your house but I don't think it's their job to always meet at places on your terms at your convenience

AtSea1979 · 26/12/2016 23:18

From what details you have given YAB terribly U. You ban them from your home, you refuse to go to theirs, they have to see their own DGC in the hell that is soft play.

Original poster

holidayponderings · 26/12/2016 23:19

They offered to take the bag of gifts from nieces house...i spoke to niece today who said mil offered as she said she hasnt seen us yet this xmas - so definately not dumped on her - (we posted ours to niece).

We have offered contact with the dc but they have not taken us up on the offer so not met yet in a cafe or soft play. Since the summer they have only seen the dc the one time i drove the hour to them, and at the christmas concert they saw only dc1....so they havent met new baby even.

I think we may be heading towards nc yes, but its not what i want for the dc....i simply feel like i cannot jump through mil hoops anymore. I offered to meet so couldnt be accused of keeping dc from them, and dc love them and want to see them.

We fell out as follows: We have asked pil lots of times if when they arrive they could come straight inside to greet the dc and not stand in our garden gossipping with the neighbours that we dont talk to.....fil comes inside but mil stands outside - last time after 20 minutes and dc crying for mil dh went outside to ask her to come in, she answered back i'm a grown woman i'll come in when i'm ready....dh said dc are waiting....her retort was well they'll have to wait. When she came inside dh said if she was unable to prioritize the dc and their needs (we have 4 adopted children with disabilities) then he doesnt know why she bothers. She started screaming saying the bible says love your neighbour.......at that point i said you cant yell in our home, she said you cant tell me what to do, i said its our home, if you dont like it then you can leave....so they did.

OP posts:

monkeywithacowface · 26/12/2016 23:19

Drip not drop

thatdearoctopus · 26/12/2016 23:20

OK, well I'll be blunt. House rules? If they can't abide by them, they have to leave and you will not let them visit your home again?

Sorry, but that's just plain weird. I think you're bloody lucky they're still buying your kids gifts at all. Ffs, just pick up the phone, apologise for being such a pompous git and invite them round for tea.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 26/12/2016 23:21

Impossible to say w/o knowing what the house rules are.

If it's smoking/shooting up/letting their ravenous hound eat your baby, YANBU.

Otherwise, it sounds a bit OTT.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/12/2016 23:21

You need to get a grip.

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