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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday/Christmas upset

211 replies

holidayponderings · 26/12/2016 22:43

A few months ago dh fell out with his parents who were visiting our home...as mil was yelling at him about not liking our house rules, i intervened and said you need to abide by them or leave - so she called to fil and they both left. We have been clear they cannot visit our home any longer but we will meet somewhere in our town so they can see the dc eg softplay, park, cafe they can choose.
Since then things have been very strained but i have taken the dc to their house an hours drive away to see them for an afternoon.
We have had limited phone contact....mostly fil and myself.....mil has been ignoring calls and yelling at dh when she has answered.
Obviously christmas is here, we also have a dc birthday.
We invited them to dc1 christmas concert which they attended.....dc gave xmas gifts and cards etc....they said they had left theirs at home 😕.
We got a text asking what day we were visiting for xmas and dh phoned back to say we have a new baby we will not be visiting anyone at present...but we were happy for them to meet with the dc. They said they'd come to our home, we said no but would facilitate a meeting in our town....they said no. We said fine.
We then received a text saying seen your nieces today and have a big bag of birthday and xmas gifts to pass onto you.....what day can you come to our home to collect them 😯. ( we havent told anyone whats happened so as not to involve the family etc)
I'm so upset.....i've tried to keep the peace for months and now my pil have a bag of gifts for my dc that i cannot get. Its my dc birthday and not only has she not got a gift from her gp, but her aunties gifts are now being kept from her.....i've had my baby 2 weeks...i cannot get on the car and drive an hour to pick them up and they bloody well know it!
(I have 5 dc its hard work and dh and i just need to be home with the kiddies right now).
Aibu....what can i say to make them understand or am i flogging a dead donkey?

OP posts:
Member869894 · 26/12/2016 23:52

You and your DH sound like you'd argue with your own shadows. YABU

CaraAspen · 26/12/2016 23:53

How can people create such horrendous stress for themselves? (Rhetorical...)

Sugarlightly · 26/12/2016 23:53

Our house rules are "don't go to bed angry" and "first person out on a Tuesday puts the bin out" and we write them on a magnetic blackboard on the fridge. I can only imagine DPs face if he came downstairs to find is added "and don't you DARE speak to the bitch next door"

pictish · 26/12/2016 23:54

Harsh Elbows.
Hook and Wizzy may have it, although if so, it hasn't been highlighted well...hence the bafflement on here.

hookliedandsinkedher · 26/12/2016 23:54

flyingelbows That is an awful thing to say, truly awful.

OP- Brew Cake

People saying the DH should take the kids, or whatever, sometimes it's really not that simple with adopted kids with attachment difficulties.

This is such a hard time, the first two weeks into a new placement.

OP, be really kind to yourself. You can build bridges with the grandparents later, hopefully. But just now, look after your little family.

Would arranging, and paying for, a courier be possible, to collect the gifts? If you think not having the gifts would be felt as rejection by the kids?

Foxysoxy01 · 26/12/2016 23:56

What are you going to do when this happens again? Because it will, your DC will have times when he cannot have the thing he wants right then and there.
You need some coping mechanisms in place if he is not able to learn patience.
Distraction, games, removing him from the window so he can't see DM these are all things that will work. Depending on his disability you should be able to find relevant coping strategies online.

You cannot control other people,(rightly or wrongly) your whole world may revolve around your Children but it doesn't for anyone else.

JustCallMeKate · 26/12/2016 23:56

she answered back i'm a grown woman i'll come in when i'm ready.

My God, how dare she answer back 🙄

You have banned the woman from your home for this reason and for being annoyed that you attempted to treat her like a child? Fair enough she shouldn't have shouted, that was very wrong however you cannot dictate if a grown woman wishes to hold a conversation with another person. I'm wondering what other unreasonable house rules you have? Yup sound a bloody nightmare tbh not just hard work. I'm surprised the woman still speaks to you.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/12/2016 23:57

Sugar Grin

Original poster
holidayponderings · 26/12/2016 23:59

Thank you for all your thoughts. I am not going to state my dc disabilities on here but it is heartbreaking to watch gp treat neighbours above the dc because 'the bible says love your neighbour'.....and those of you who jumped to conclusions, we did nothing to fall out with our neighbours no - but they do enjoy filling mil in with all our parenting failures yes....
I'm sure i've already said too much to out us now.....and will consider how to move forward.
Will retreat back to the adoption boards thanks hook!!!!

OP posts:
hookliedandsinkedher · 27/12/2016 00:01

april- adoptive parents often come across as crazy or petty. Not because they are, but because ensuring the best outcome for these vulnerable, traumatised children involves techniques and behaviour that appears crazy and petty to outsiders.

But, please excuse us trying to ensure our kids don't end up with a lifetime of problems, just because you're ignorant of the reasoning behind it.

This OP has to be viewed through an adoptive lens. And not just adoption, a very recent one, into a large family of adopted kids. Hats off to OP, I think that would make the best of us a little unhinged.

Amandahugandkisses · 27/12/2016 00:03

You have created this for yourself.
You need to stop trying to control every little detail of life or you will get more of this chaos. Life isn't like that.

longdiling · 27/12/2016 00:03

Ah, so it wasn't just your children being upset but the fact that you knew mil was probably out there having a good old bitch about you. Are you quite sure the kids wouldn't be better off without her in their lives? Especially given what hook is saying about needing to be very protective of them.

LittleMermaidRose · 27/12/2016 00:04

It really seems like your MIL is having to jump through hoops - not you. I bet your in laws would be thrilled to come to your home to visit or have you come round to theirs instead of having to meet in a cafe.

I really can't stand when parents think the whole world revolves around their children. Your MIL was right to say she'll come in in her own time. Why should your children's "needs" come before anyone else's?

Your children = your problem, not hers.

Gumps · 27/12/2016 00:04

Hook you are a lovely person. Merry Christmas.

ghostspirit · 27/12/2016 00:04

Op hook is right you are probably better to go onto the adoption threads and start again. Maybe hide this thread. I don't think anyone has meant to be harsh or anything like that. They can only go buy what you put in your op. Then a little later you said about the talking to your neighbours. Again no more information. I think you may have got better understanding if you had explained better.

I hope you find the help and support you need for your family

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/12/2016 00:04

Right... If there is a back story here with the adoption issue then certainly some of the responses have been very harsh. I'm utterly flummoxed as to why the op wouldn't explain any better though if she is a regular mumsnetter. Her posts have read as rather obtuse and bordering on goady to be honest.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/12/2016 00:06

Xpost with your update.

MrsMcMoo · 27/12/2016 00:06

Good post , hook. I think everyone else should take a step back from this and read hook's post again. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate OP and granny could have cut you some slack, listen to your needs and empathise, rather than shouting in your home. You've adopted 5 kids with special needs? Good on you, and take care.

RoseGoldHippie · 27/12/2016 00:07

This is one of the most bizarre things I've read on here!

Why are the children upset that she is talking to the neighbour? Why are you allowing them to sit in the window screaming in tears because if it? Surely they could be distracted with something, especially when there are 3 adults in the house with your DFIL also being there Confused

hookliedandsinkedher · 27/12/2016 00:10

I think when adoption is everything you live and breathe, you can forget how, well, foreign, it all is to outsiders.

Sometimes, you feel like a 'normal' family, because adoption is your normal. So you forget to make a klaxon that adoption, and therefore parenting outside the 'norm' for traumised kids, is involved here. It just is the norm for some of us, and when so absorbed in it, you can forget that other people have it different.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/12/2016 00:12
Hmm
AntiHop · 27/12/2016 00:14

Op I think it's time to make peace and move on. You said your dcs love their grandparents and, especially given their backgrounds, they will benefit from contact with extended family. Well done for being a mum to those kids. Flowers

LovingLola · 27/12/2016 00:15

You sound a bit barmy to be honest op.

Candlestickchick · 27/12/2016 00:15

OP as someone who used to work in the Child Protection system and know how poor outcomes can be for many children removed from birth families, good on you for adopting the siblings and keeping them together. It must be very tough.

It sounds like the incident with the neighbours is the straw that broke the camels back rather than a serious enough thing to justify falling out. I think it's worth trying to call a truce for the sake of DC, and the best way may be to relent on having them round

YouOKHun · 27/12/2016 00:19

Regardless of the considerable challenges of adoption it's an illogical demand to say the world must respond differently to you because of your particular choice/situation/circumstance.