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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil called ds autistic

108 replies

RhiannonnDontGo · 26/12/2016 22:19

NC for this. Ds 21 months likes to stack things up, organise things, tins, tubs etc. He was doing this at mil's today and she suddenly said "I think he is autistic". I found this a really strange thing to say and was upset/angry at the time. He doesn't particularly like hugs and kissed and I think she feels she needs to rationalise this by labelling him (when really he just doesn't like cuddling someone who stinks of an old ash tray!) should I have said something?

OP posts:
outputgap · 27/12/2016 00:42

What?

RichardBucket · 27/12/2016 00:42

It was an unhelpful comment. You wouldn't just come out and say "I think he is diabetic" or "I think he is asthmatic" based on one or two vague indicators and no professional knowledge of the condition.

Yes they do! I'm diabetic and I've lost count of the people who say "my XYZ is always thirsty. I think he's diabetic."

This thread highlights the stigma that still exists around SN and mental health issues. Nobody gets offended at the suggestion they might have a cold, but autism? BURN THE WITCH.

Itsallgoodimtold · 27/12/2016 00:44

Sadly you are not wrong RichardBucket

outputgap · 27/12/2016 00:46

Exactly!

GloriousHarpy · 27/12/2016 00:47

Worra, it's not the 'I think', it's the 'autistic' part of the statement that makes it an unhelpful, sweeping layperson 'diagnosis'. If she were genuinely concerned, the way to raise it is by asking questions about the stacking behaviours or the unwillingness to cuddle. Both of which, yes, could indicate that a child is on the autism spectrum, but could equally also be within the bounds of NT behaviour.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2016 00:55

Glorious that doesn't mean she's not genuinely concerned.

It just means she's not particularly subtle, or she just blurts out what's on her mind.

And lots of people on this thread have accused her of 'diagnosing' because she said what she thought.

Even the OP's title says 'MIL called DS autistic' when she actually didn't.

ElornaElephant · 27/12/2016 00:56

YANBU - I have a 3 year old son with ASD, very recently diagnosed. I also have a DB with ASD - basically it runs in the family.

My cousin is 2.2 and my DAunt is getting the "do you think that he's on the spectrum like ElornaElephant's DC?" comments already from family members because he's a little slow to talk and is a fussy eater. Often when it runs in the family, people will do their own internet "research" and decide they're experts on the condition!

Your LO may have ASD or may not, the schema is not alone indicative of ASD. But if you're worried even the tiniest bit, please flag it up with your GP or HV sooner rather than later. Children who do have ASD respond much better to early intervention, my LO has been flagged up from 19 months old and now attends a SN nursery which has been wonderful and not at all possible if I hadn't raised my concerns early on. Flowers

MistresssIggi · 27/12/2016 00:56

Discovering your child has a cold is not life changing in the way that discovering he is on the autistic spectrum would be. Apologies if I have misunderstood your comparison but they are poles apart.

RichardBucket · 27/12/2016 00:57

Okay, then replace the thread with "MIL called ds diabetic" and imagine the replies. They would be very different.

Itsallgoodimtold · 27/12/2016 01:19

Proud owner of a fantastic, beautiful son here! He is very clever but just doesn't understand that other people are also clever, as clever as him in their own way! He is well behaved and interested in other people but only on his own terms. He enjoys jokes, is imaginative (to a degree), more than happy to give a hug. He was non responsive when he was younger and I often felt lost, but not now, he is the best, he is healthy and I am proud to support him Xmas Wink

RhodaBorrocks · 27/12/2016 01:23

RichardBucket has made a very good point. It's due to stigma that people don't like any kind of MH or neuro diverse conditions being speculated upon.

Itsallgoodimtold · 27/12/2016 01:30

Too true RhodaBorrocks

BlackeyedSusan · 27/12/2016 02:18

given the back story, yes I would be pissed off too. (one child with asd. one being assessed. )

JerryFerry · 27/12/2016 02:43

Your mum sounds pretty toxic tbh. Can you reduce the amount of time you spend with her?

FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 27/12/2016 02:57

Same with my son. He was always the one in the corner, not running about and being loud at all lining his cars up in colour or size order. Stacking things etc etc. His first school told me they were highly concerned. Turns out he's just very quiet, organised and methodical. He's currently studying Law at Uni and got all As in his highers Grin

Meeep · 27/12/2016 03:11

I think you are being over sensitive.
It has crossed your mind. It crossed your Mil's mind too.
She mentioned it to you.
Where's the offence?

Was she using it as an insult? If so then yes that's bad.

Zoflorabore · 27/12/2016 03:49

I have a ds who has asc, he is very high functioning and is now 13 and doing brilliantly in school.
My youngest brother has two ds's, aged 3 and 4, severely autistic, i sensed it with the older one but not with the younger.

My other brother has a dd who is being tested now at 11. I have seen signs for years but never offered my opinion unless asked.
It's all too easy to diagnose children or even adults ourselves, I'm guilty of thinking things.
However, when my youngest brother found out his ds had autism he almost had a
Breakdown, I remember trying to be supportive and he wouldn't listen until I said " autism is not a death sentence "

He now has thrown himself into learning what his boys need, what helps them and said he wouldn't change a thing despite having such a restricted life outside work.

Sometimes it takes somebody else to notice or be concerned.
A lot of parents are in denial. My ds has been diagnosed over 5 years now and his dad ( my ex ) refuses to believe it despite being at the diagnosis meeting.

Bluebolt · 27/12/2016 08:50

I find this difficult, I work providing the early birds course, many of the parents "knew" at 18 months if not earlier and many also were there due to other people's comments even strangers. Some have diagnosis and some have possible or symptoms of ASD but most find the course useful and an emotional support (even those who never get a diagnosis). But without parents seeking advice they will certainly not receive early intervention help due to waiting lists and resources.

sleepy16 · 27/12/2016 09:10

My middle son is autistic, I knew there was something going on when he was a baby.
One thing he never did was line things up.
My eldest dd who is now 8 used to line things up all the time and she is not on the asd spectrum.
And having asd doesn't mean they can not get As or do well in an educational setting!
However my 2 year old has just been referred to the asd clinic by my hv.
He was absolutely fine until 12 months, then lost all his words that he did have (mum,dad,nan).
Stropped clapping,waving.
He is very violent towards new people, does not play with toys appropriately for his age.
I wouldn't change my children, but it's bloody hard when you have a child who doesn't eat,drink, not go to school, doesn't go out.
Noise hurts,smells hurts,clothes hurt.
If I could take it away I would in a heartbeat.

december10th · 27/12/2016 09:25

yabu.surely a concerned gp can and probably should be able to express their concerns about their grandchildren

GrandmaGotRunOverByAReindeer · 27/12/2016 09:37

I wasn't offended ad I have 2 children with asd.
I understand, it's scary thinking about your child being autistic, it's rude for your mil to decide your child has special needs based on something completely normal.

differentnameforthis · 27/12/2016 09:39

So she was just voicing something that has crossed your mind. I don't understand what she did wrong!

He might be, he might not be. It's not the end of the world.

I don't think he has autism, but there are times it has crossed my mind for a fleeting second. I had fleeting moments of this when dd was younger. Didn't do anything except put it out of my head because she didn't do XYZ. Oh how I wish I had listened to myself. Now at 8, it is almost certain that she is autistic. Don't dismiss things out of hand, if you are worried, look into it.

Are you angry at your MIL for pointing out something that you are trying to overlook?

Trifleorbust · 27/12/2016 09:53

Although it isn't an insult because there is nothing 'bad' about having autism, most parents would find it a source of grave concern if they thought their child did have autism, so those people criticising the OP for being upset are being a bit silly. However, the likelihood is that she was using it as a rather ignorant shorthand for 'organised' or 'a bit anal'.

Thinkingblonde · 27/12/2016 09:58

Someone said the same about my three year old grandson, he was at a birthday party in the week before Christmas, he didn't want to join in the fun at the soft play, refused to make eye contact and put his hands over his ears to block out the noise. One of the other mothers there said to my daughter "Autism! I'd get him checked for autism." My daughter was worried for ages over that remark. My gs did eventually join in the fun when one of the dads, a friend of my SIL, took an interest in some toy trains we had with us, he was asking what they were called etc. The dad whispered to gs "I hate Frozen parties too". Come and show me your trains.
GS is now six and is not autistic.
Your 21 month sounds to be ok to me, my granddaughter is 18 months old and builds towers with blocks, lined up her big brothers cars and also hates being held against her will.

cheekybean · 27/12/2016 10:23

You are the mum, trust your instincts. Everybody always knows better than you especially mothers!! My mother is always going on at me. Im sure my kids think granny is called 'thats not how its done now mum'

My dd liked to sleep with her head at a really unnatural angle. I kept moving it but she always moved it back, in the end i gave up. An interfering old lady told me i should be very concerned as it was obvious my daughter had brain damage!! Shes perfectly fine!

Incidently both my sons slept in this manner too.