Mil called ds autistic

[RhiannonnDontGo]

NC for this. Ds 21 months likes to stack things up, organise things, tins, tubs etc. He was doing this at mil's today and she suddenly said "I think he is autistic". I found this a really strange thing to say and was upset/angry at the time. He doesn't particularly like hugs and kissed and I think she feels she needs to rationalise this by labelling him (when really he just doesn't like cuddling someone who stinks of an old ash tray!) should I have said something?

[user1481838270]

While it's certainly an odd comment to make, it's not a comment that should be in any way upsetting. I doubt even the most experienced and qualified child autism specialists would proffer any diagnosis on a 21 month-old toddler, so I really think you should throw your eyes to heaven (If you want, you can tell her that she should know better at her age than to voice such an uninformed opinion!)

[Lara2]

Read up on schemas - patterns of play that every single one of us had/have. Lining things up/stacking/organising things is one schema that children might work through.
We all end up with a dominant schema as adults. The patterns of play are the way children work out how the world works - cause and effect. Children have no control over them - it's their brains figuring it all out. There's lots of different ones eg: heaping and scattering (when they empty everything out of boxes/cupboards/drawers, scatter the stuff around and then walk off), trajectory (when they explore the straight lines created by jumping on/off stuff, throwing things, lining things up in lines going away from them), transporting (when they carry stuff from one place to another constantly in bags, pockets, buggies, push along toys etc). This is a very simple, brief explanation - it's definitely worth finding out more. It makes your life so much easier if you can cater for whatever schema ( or cluster of schemas, you can have more than one at a time) your child is working through.
People often notice a schema in children and mistake it for the special interests that autistic children can have. There's nothing wrong with being autistic ( both my DS's are ), but it's sensible to know the difference between having a schema and a special interest.

[NoMudNoLotus]

OP. You are being unreasonable saying that mil caused your postnatal depression - it doesn't work like that.

I'm a mental health nurse and I would be able to explain triggers for your pnd but mil isn't one.

She sounds like average mil to be honest - you need to learn to "surf the wave" with it otherwise your life is going to be a griefy one.

I'm glad you're seeking psychological help for your OCD - it can impact upon children and how they cope with anxiety so it's important for you both that you keep getting the support .

[WorraLiberty]

Ignore your MIL. If YOU have concerns about your DCs development speak to your GP and the father of your child.

This ^^ in spades.

[EveOnline2016]

Not meaning to alarm you in any way but this was just the one of many symptoms ds showed when around the same age. 2nd was speech and looking back there was many symptoms, ds is Asd.

[HerodZackHunt]

At 18 months I think it's tricky to pursue a diagnosis for ASD precisely because lining stuff up isn't atypical.
Obviously if MIL can identify it earlier she should let the NHS know
He might have ASD. He might not. Your MIL undermining you may have contributed to PND.
All of this cannot be made worse by speaking to a HIP.

[HerodZackHunt]

Was that to me Dixie?

[WorraLiberty]

Obviously if MIL can identify it earlier she should let the NHS know

Since when does 'I think' equate to an early identification?

It's just a thought, and exactly the same thought that the OP had.

I notice you haven't suggested the OP lets the NHS know she can identify it?

[RichardBucket]

It wasn't a particularly sensitive comment but I don't think it was terrible. He's her grandson and it's okay for her to have concerns, especially ones shared by his mother.

[HerodZackHunt]

Oh good grief. I'm dropping out before me and my ASD brain get into another row that I don't need to have. Apologies if I've overstepped marks with trying to be...I don't know what...

[PlanIsNoPlan]

Wait until he starts school OP.... hopefully it's all a flash in a pan at the mo....

[GloriousHarpy]

It was an idiotic thing to say. When someone is a healthcare professional and has subjected a child to a full set of tests, then they get to share a diagnosis in an appropriate manner, not go throwing around pseudo-diagnoses based on a toddler liking stacking and not being keen on cuddles.

[Itsallgoodimtold]

You will know from the many posts on here that mils and even mums (grandparents) can make most mums feel awful. I really think that many comments are made by them without the intended weight they hold. They don't actually have real time responsibility so they don't fully understand the importance of what they are saying.
Anyone had the 'children should be potty trained by (insert ridiculous age here)' comments ?
Easy criticism, brusque comments.....
Don't listen, smile, nod, then do your own thing
You have a healthy child, please ignore (as best you can)

[HerodZackHunt]

OK Dixie. It was being bookended and recent MN experience. I was agreeing that is isn't atypical :)

[PlanIsNoPlan]

Because then it will just be about your ds's needs which surpass your own - if you think your OCD is what counts then beware the fed flag of scrutiny on you and your parenting. Now wouldn't be a good time to alienate your MiL.

[outputgap]

Why? I'm not a healthcare professional, but if I saw a kid with the particular stance that my Ds had, I would ask their parents if they'd thought about their kid being hypermobile. I can't diagnose it, but I'd feel bad not passing on information that might be relevant. Why not the same approach with autism?

[WorraLiberty]

Do I need to re-check the dictionary or something?

It's as though "I think" and "diagnosis" have suddenly become one and the same thing?

[RhodaBorrocks]

At his age it's normal to line things up. Problems occur when it's everything and it has to be in a specific order or they get distressed and it appears obsessive.

Unfortunately it sounds like MIL has fallen victim to having a little knowledge because of whats going on elsewhere in the family and is putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 5.

If you think she was meaning to insult you by insinuating she thought there was something 'wrong' with DS then that's not on. Otherwise take no offense - she's probably read some stuff that lists it as a trait, latched on to it and then blurted it out.

What I actually found more tough was that I had concerns that my DS was autistic, I'm halfway qualified as a psychologist and yet everyone kept saying he was fine, it was because he's an only child/sensitive/shy/I was overanxious etc. Nope. I was right and he has ASD. But there were other signs that I could see that others didn't. Others said "Oh he makes eye contact and is affectionate so he can't be autistic!" But he is and I felt more insulted that people dismissed my concerns.

If you're sure he's OK, take no offence and move on. If you want to get him checked because you have a few concerns, take no offence if others see it too, surely it's better if they understand a little rather than pretend it's not there? My family acknowledges and accommodates DS' quirks, but XPs family denies them and tries to 'toughen [DS] up'. DS now prefers to have nothing to do with his DF's family.

[MackerelOfFact]

It was an unhelpful comment. You wouldn't just come out and say "I think he is diabetic" or "I think he is asthmatic" based on one or two vague indicators and no professional knowledge of the condition. You'd might ask whether it may be worth him being seen by someone who would know whether these symptoms meant he was affected, but it's not her place to suppose a diagnosis.

[Itsallgoodimtold]

PlanIsNoPlan I think if someone is having a negative effect on you then it probably is a good time to alienate them to a certain extent. If OP is currently getting herself well but mil can't wait to jump in with the suggestion of something, which whether likely or not, is still a big deal, she sounds like a grade A (insert offensive word)

[PlanIsNoPlan]

OP - as you can see from the posts many HCP/'professionals' can't agree on things that directly affect the lives of many children and their families - so really keep your fingers-crossed that they and their 'type' aren't involved in yours and it's all just a 'flash in the pan'.