To be irritated by the suggestion that their impending ivf baby is 'more precious'?

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

DH and I have been very lucky in the fertility stakes and I have conceived two babies easily in the past two years and carried both to term.

A couple of other family members have unfortunately experienced miscarriages and BIL and his wife have recently conceived after 2+ years of infertility and treatment. We are obviously thrilled for them. They've always been very supportive and involved with our kids and we hope to return the favour.

But another member of DH's family has made several comments over Christmas about how great it is that BIL and his wife are the ones having a baby 'and not DH and Dorothea again'. Also how extra 'precious' and 'loved' this new baby will be.

We only have 2! And I am really irritated by the insinuation that we have jumped the queue by having a second while they were trying unsuccessfully or that our babies are less precious because they were easily conceived.

Didn't say anything obviously but can't see the need for these divisive comments.

I agree with Chintaria saying difficulties bring it home to you how special a child/pregnancy is.
Have you ever lost your phone? When you find it again you appreciate what you have, and feel such a sense of relief - your phone isn't suddenly more precious than your friend's identical phone, but you experience joy in its return that she doesn't.

I experienced complete joy when dc1 was born, and similar when dc2 came but with the added dimension that I never believed I would be so lucky after several losses.

But your baby isn't precious or loved because of what you had to go through to have them. Your baby is precious because they are your baby and are a unique, special little human being.

If one of your dcs (heaven forbid) was lost somehow for a while and you found them again, you can be sure that at that moment in time they would be precious to you in a way they weren't just before they got lost. Maybe it's just relief, maybe it's clarity or appreciation, but it is a strong feeling and it does exist.

It sounds like some inappropriate and hurtful comments about you and DH were said that you are naturally upset about. I would be angry too.
But I hope you can overlook the precious baby comments.
All babies are precious but having had IVF and knowing I was unlikely to be able to have any more children does put a different spin on things.
Do I think the journey I went on to bring my children into the world made me appreciate the whole miracle of life more? Yes I do. Do I think my children are more precious than other babies because they were from IVF? No I don't.
But I do think the fertility journey changes people and often this is what people are referring to when they refer to IVF babies being previous. It's my opinion they are really referring to how people think the parents will feel about the baby/babies rather than the baby/babies themselves are actually precious and more precious than other people's children.
I was lucky enough to conceive twins on my first round of IVF, although I did have a tricky pregnancy and I was in hospital for 8 weeks in a room next to the operating theatre as the Drs thought I had a condition and weren't sure if one or both or all three of us were going to survive the pregnancy. (Thankfully we all did.)
I have friends who went through tragic circumstances including multiple IVFs and late miscarriages etc until they could finally bring a live baby into the world.
I sometimes look at my friends who have fought hard and gone through much more than I did to bring a healthy child/children into the world and I think how precious these children must be to them to have not given up.
These experiences can't help but change you and I have often had conversations with other IVF mums who acknowledge that we as IVF parents can act a bit precious - we can be slightly overprotective of our children due to insecurities we developed during our pregnancies that our children would not survive.
These people you heard were making inappropriate and insensitive comments. But unfortunately lots of people do that. Your children are precious to you and you will find more happiness and joy thinking about them and spending time with them, then on comments made by insensitive people. So I hope you can let these go and move on.

It's a minefield, op, because of course your babies are hugely loved and hugely precious, but try not to be too offended when pregnancies resulting from years of pain and fertility treatment are described as 'extra precious'. Because the simple truth is that they are.

^why would one child be more precious than another because of the way it was conceived? What a ridiculous, horrible notion.

I think the sentiment is because one assumes that if one child is lost then it can be easily replaced as it was easily conceived.

That if course is a ridiculous thought. All children are unique and cannot be replaced.

I think the sentiment is because one assumes that if one child is lost then it can be easily replaced as it was easily conceived.

I don't agree. It's recognising the struggle that it's taken for child to be born in the first place. I just can't believe even the most heartless person thinks a baby can just be replaced.

But there will be women out there who have gone through IVF and don't feel like that when they finally become pregnant and give birth at all, Iggi.

They may feel completely underwhelmed by the experience/Disappointed that it isn't what they expected/Scared shitless that they have made a mistake; just women who conceive naturally.

Idealising pregnancy after IVF and perpetuating the idea that you will have all of these special, magical feelings that people who haven't been through it couldn't possibly understand is not a healthy attitude.

We really don't know how anyone feels so why assume?

That would be like me being told I'm not allowed on mumsnet because I adopted and am therefore not a 'proper' mum.

Ignore the comments, your children know they are loved and that's the most important thing.

I am not keen on the idea that because a child was conceived after fertility struggles it is 'extra precious'. I have heard similar sentiments from a woman about her child with no siblings - on one occasion, I was told that it was different for me (sending on a school trip), but she didn't want to take risks, as it is different when you only have one......Obviously dcs 2 and 3 are just back ups if anything happened to dc1!!

All children are unique and cannot be replaced

I think hive has it in a nutshell.

she said that the consultant would deliver her early as 'they didn't want to take any chances as they'd taken soooo long to conceive'. I did a little private eye roll as I'd like to think no health professional would 'take chances' with any pregnancy, no matter how long it took to come about.

But HCPs do recognise this. It's called 'precious baby syndrome'
It generally means if you want more scans or an elected CS, they don't make you fight for it in the way a 'normal' pregnant woman would have to

It is also widely recognised that women who have had a traumatic journey to having their baby have higher levels of PND. It is tthiught it's because they are so monumentally grateful to have a live baby that they darent complain about anything or ask for help

Exactly headofthehive. The insinuation from the mother expressing these thoughts about healthy babies and children conceived with medical help is that if people without fertility problems lose a child they can hop to it and make another hey presto no problem hence the first child of people without fertility problems is not as "precious" as easily replaced. Which is obviously wrong and offensive on so many levels.

People act out of character when they want a baby so much and can't get pregnant. I had 2 DC my DS & BiL had been trying for over 6 years and then I got pregnant again unexpectedly. My own DS who had been fab and so close to my first DC would hardly look at 3rd DC. A little over a year later she finally got pregnant herself and after DN was born she gradually started being nice to our 3rd DC. Years later she told me she could not look at him as a baby without wanting to cry. Your BiL & SiL have not made unkind comments please be thrilled for them and join in their excitement.

Mistressmerryweather, I didn't anywhere say that I think all women with such experiences feel that way. I know some do as I've seen them post it on this and other threads, and I have of course my own experiences and those of others in rl who have been through infertility or rmcs. I've no desire to dictate how anyone must feel.

Sparechange I didn't know either of the points you made in your post but it makes a lot of sense to me.

The family member referred to in the OP should keep their mouth shut though, they are not helping anyone!

It makes it more precious to them

As they know they may never have had a child at all.

This is all bonkers - why does it matter op? You sound envious of the attention they are receiving but why does it matter? Enjoy your own kids and move on.

Wrongtrouser, "TLC" strangely has been shown to increase chances of a successful pg following recurrent miscarriages - in terms of more regular appointments, frequent scans etc. This is an actual "thing" that improves outcomes for women so I do hope no one addresses it in the way you suggest.

sparechange Apologies I may have misunderstood your point , finding thread upsetting, will stop posting now before I say anything else.

Iggi I apologise for my post, and of course I think high risk pregnancies should be given as much extra health care as they need. I was referring to the method of conception only, but don't think my post was very helpful. No offence meant to anyone.

I've asked MNHQ to delete my post of 20.20.

she said that the consultant would deliver her early as 'they didn't want to take any chances as they'd taken soooo long to conceive'. I did a little private eye roll as I'd like to think no health professional would 'take chances' with any pregnancy, no matter how long it took to come about.

But I think this actually is the case though? IVF pregnancy are put on a "red pathway" automatically here even if the pregnancy is going well - they get extra growth scans, extra monitoring, and the friends of mine who have had babies via IVF are not allowed to go past 40 weeks or they are induced because the consultant won't take any chances, whereas everyone else is left to 42 weeks.

I have no problem with this, I think it's fair enough. Least they can do, really!

Wrongtrouser you didn't offend me, and I wouldn't have known about the extra care being something with medical merit if I hadn't been through it. Don't be upset.
I suppose if something helps reduce anxiety in pg, anyone's pg, that's a pretty good thing.