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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by the suggestion that their impending ivf baby is 'more precious'?

252 replies

DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/12/2016 19:10

DH and I have been very lucky in the fertility stakes and I have conceived two babies easily in the past two years and carried both to term.

A couple of other family members have unfortunately experienced miscarriages and BIL and his wife have recently conceived after 2+ years of infertility and treatment. We are obviously thrilled for them. They've always been very supportive and involved with our kids and we hope to return the favour.

But another member of DH's family has made several comments over Christmas about how great it is that BIL and his wife are the ones having a baby 'and not DH and Dorothea again'. Also how extra 'precious' and 'loved' this new baby will be.

We only have 2! And I am really irritated by the insinuation that we have jumped the queue by having a second while they were trying unsuccessfully or that our babies are less precious because they were easily conceived.

Didn't say anything obviously Smile but can't see the need for these divisive comments.

OP posts:
penguinpurple · 27/12/2016 16:31

I have conceived easily twice (pregnant) and have one child. To me my pregnancy was the most important thing ever, my child is the most special, funny, cute, beautiful etc but I am aware to everyone else it's not that important and my kid is just another kid although I am privileged that my mum and siblings (who will probably not have their own babies) act like mine is the best thing since sliced bread. It's nice if people are interested in my child and I take an interest in friends/relatives pregnancies/babies but it's not that special to me. By the same logic it doesn't ruin my day if someone thinks their child is more special than mine.
However I really feel for people who have had a tough time getting their and am happy to flap over them a bit more in pregnancy/around the birth of their child as a human being I'm aware they've been through a whole world of pain to get where they are. If the child is treated like a special snowflake throughout their life or gets preferential treatment over cousins then that is obviously not good for anyone but I think that's a different situation to comments which I at worst find a bit tactless and are meant to buoy up another person. As has been said here people with infertility problems go through years of having to be gracious and happy for others and tonnes of tactless comments. I'm so thankful not to have been through that I can see where comments like extra special or extra precious come from and really so what I have my child who is super duper extra special and precious to me, who cares if people think another baby is more special.

dietcokeandwine · 27/12/2016 16:49

I have a slightly different take on this as I had secondary infertility - so one child conceived easily and naturally within a couple of months, and then 3 years of misery, failure and fertility issues culminating in IVF treatment. DC2 was finally conceived via IVF. I then, two years later, managed to have DC3 naturally (nature is a funny old thing).

My children are all equally loved and precious but the pregnancy with DS2 was so much more painfully hard-won and will, therefore, always feel like a miracle in the way the easily-conceived pregnancies did not. Other posters have described the wretchedness of the IVF process very eloquently - if you have always conceived easily and naturally you cannot and will not ever understand the rollercoaster of it.

Even having been through the rollercoaster of it I would never pretend to understand how someone with primary infertility might feel because again, the pain of someone failing to conceive a second child cannot be compared to the pain of someone totally childless.

It's a minefield, op, because of course your babies are hugely loved and hugely precious, but try not to be too offended when pregnancies resulting from years of pain and fertility treatment are described as 'extra precious'. Because the simple truth is that they are.

KERALA1 · 27/12/2016 16:53

I think this thread has been misunderstood. My reading of it is op isn't minimising the pain of infertility - nobody sane would. But continuing to insinuate or act as if your baby is therefore more precious than anyone else's is going to put people's backs up after a while. The mother I know came out with some shockers and cannot seem to get out of the mindset that her healthy strapping 1 year old IS more precious and important than her friends babies. She has said as much.

MistressMerryWeather · 27/12/2016 17:10

YANBU.

Family member has a shitty attitude.

Why not just be happy for someone instead of turning it into some weird pissing contest?

KayTee87 · 27/12/2016 17:19

Also how extra 'precious' and 'loved' this new baby will be.

Why is no one actually reading the op? The family member said the new baby will be extra precious and loved. Not that the pregnancy is extra precious.
Personally I think infertility must be the most horrible thing to experience, I certainly can imagine little worse... however saying that a baby conceived by ivf is more precious or loved than a baby conceived without ivf is batshit and numerous posters who have experienced both have stated they love their children just the same.
People are missing what the op is about.

Xmassamx · 27/12/2016 17:26

My SIL said something similar, she conceived eventually after 5 years of trying and when she developed gestational diabetes at the end of the pregnancy she said that the consultant would deliver her early as 'they didn't want to take any chances as they'd taken soooo long to conceive'. I did a little private eye roll as I'd like to think no health professional would 'take chances' with any pregnancy, no matter how long it took to come about. let it go over your head, when the baby is here it'll be no different to any other baby.

Stepmum123 · 27/12/2016 17:36

Their baby will be very special to them as yours are to you. YANBU your relative has been particularly unreasonable in comparing their conception experiences and "value" of their children to yours. On the other hand, accept that it's been done but doesn't change how much your children mean to you... let it go or it will eat away at you.

icy121 · 27/12/2016 17:40

OP suck it up and be gracious. Whilst it wasn't the ivf couple who said it, they have gone through Hell to get pregnant and making comments about "it was only their first round" makes you sound like a dick.

All babies are precious, but getting there is more tenuous and terrifying when you suffer infertility, and that's all the other couple were trying to say.

Fertile people don't get it, and frankly most say some incredibly twattish and insensitive things to barren couples along the way.

Jem6738 · 27/12/2016 17:55

YANBU. People are incredibly insensitive. I have two children. Our first we adopted, the second conceived naturally (a huge surprise by the way). Both equally loved and special. When I was expecting my second someone once said "oh how wonderful you will be a real mom now"!!!! I managed to get my point across without ripping her face off - just!😡. All children regardless of how they come into the world or end up in a family are the most amazing gift and all have to knack of being able to grip your shit and send you doolally. I expected your SIL would be horrified if people really thought what this idiot had said.

RazzleMazzle · 27/12/2016 18:04

What Ahickiefromkinickie said...well bloody put

flumpybear · 27/12/2016 18:11

Hard one as I feel the same with my children both of which took me ages to conceive .... but that's for me only in my own mind compared to how I'd personally feel if I'd conceived fast and easily ....... in the Iraq stages I keep myself alive by saying 'she took so long she's worth sleepless nights and misery' ..... but it was hormones speaking .... now how I feel about others
Children as they're all precious, it just comforted me through the hard times when
She wasn't sleeping - so
No they're hideous for saying that out loud as it's wrong

user1480946351 · 27/12/2016 18:13

They said 'extra precious' and you have interpreted it as 'more precious

Yes. Extra does mean more.

Original poster
DorotheaHomeAlone · 27/12/2016 18:15

Jem These comments pale in comparison to that. Well done in your incredible restraint! For the record I've worked hard to be sensitive during my pregnancies and really admire the couple for having been so generous and loving with my kids despite their struggle. I'm not 'a dick'. Hmm

Also the only person I've ever heard making insensitive comments about when this couple might have their own baby was this same relative!

OP posts:
Namechangeemergency · 27/12/2016 18:18

Blimey Icy I didn't think the word barren was used now. Is it in common usage?
I am surprised.

bonbonours · 27/12/2016 18:18

I think the comment was made with good intentions but I can understand why it would be slightly irritating.

I have felt slightly narked in the past hearing someone talking about how they are super-protective of their child because they were an IVF baby. I felt like it implied that the rest of us are like "oh well if I lost a child we could just have another one."

I actually think that, while understandable, the attitude of being over-protective or over-indulgent because you had a difficult time having a child in the first place is one to actively avoid as it can have a detrimental effect on the child. I've seen it happen with two family members where they are so grateful to have a child they can't bring themselves to parent effectively eg discipline etc, leading to unfortunate personality traits in the child.

PurpleDaisies · 27/12/2016 18:19

It's a bit of an in joke from the infertility board namechange. Not one for common usage.

Candlestickchick · 27/12/2016 18:20

Jem that is horrific and completely unacceptable

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 27/12/2016 18:21

Tbh I can totally see why someone who had an IVF baby would think it more precious than my averagely naturally made baby.

It doesn't really affect me though, and I am happy we were lucky enough to not have problems (and it is only luck)

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/12/2016 18:22

'MouthOfMisery'.

I'll say.

triskellionoflegs · 27/12/2016 18:28

I understand you felt that it was being implied that your DCs were somehow less wanted - but I think people could have just been trying (clumsily) to say how lovely it was that the couple will now get to have a child.
But did someone really actually say that it was good that it was not you having another tho? If so, that was a very odd and rather unpleasant thing to say.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/12/2016 18:34

Good point, bonbon. I know a couple who struggled for years and conceived via IVF. During the pregnancy they continually referred to their unborn baby as extra special, often quoting how much she had cost Confused. It started to wear a bit thin after hearing it for the twentieth time.

They had spent years yearning for a baby and imagining how magical it would be, it actually made the early days of parenthood very hard for them. The reality of looking after a new born didn't match up to their hugely built up expectations.

Lamaitresse · 27/12/2016 18:39

We had ds naturally, but then struggled for 6 years to have dd. In that time we had 10 losses, including 3 at 12 weeks or later. We had a terrible time, and had dd from our fifth round of IVF.
Dd is no more precious to us than ds - they are both the centre of our world and I feel grateful every second for them.
What I do think is different though is that we were desperate for another child, and I think going through such a struggle brings it home to you what an absolute miracle each baby is.
Just ignore these comments, I bet this couple felt pretty uncomfortable hearing it.

WrongTrouser · 27/12/2016 18:43

OP YANBU and I completely understand why you were upset for your baby.

It's a minefield, op, because of course your babies are hugely loved and hugely precious, but try not to be too offended when pregnancies resulting from years of pain and fertility treatment are described as 'extra precious'. Because the simple truth is that they are

No, they are not. My babies are as precious as any other babies.

Some of the language being used by some posters is quite odd. These "pregnancies" and babies are people. How can one be more precious or special than another?

icy121 · 27/12/2016 18:43

Namechangeemergency amongst general population, no, but there are a few of us particularly unsentimental infertiles who use it describe ourselves! Out infertile threads are collectively "the barren ghetto" etc. Infertility can be a very dark place.

Unless you've experienced years of monthly grief, regularly lie on the floor when you're home alone to weep, save breakdowns for the shower to spare your partner, have worked out that punching hard things fucks up your hands and beating yourself as hard as possibly in the thighs saves your knuckles whilst taking your anger out on a part of your shit, useless barren body helps.... and you do this for 3 years.... you don't really get the pain if infertility.

Namechangeemergency · 27/12/2016 18:58

Ah I see. Thanks

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