AIBU to demand that people treat my DS with respect

[Whirlmeister]

AIBU to demand that people treat my DS (age 5) with the same respect they would treat any other human being, including things like asking his permission before using his things, allowing him to make choices for himself (even when those choices are going to cause him trouble), leaving him alone if he asks you not to touch him (even if they feel he needs a kiss or a hug), giving him privacy - all within the constraints that we don't allow him to place himself in danger, or step outside the limited rules we set down (like bed times, holding hands whilst crossing the road, coming when called etc.).

I get absolutely livid when certain people ignore his wishes, do things for him despite him wanting to do them for himself, hold him despite him asking to be put down or let go of, pick up and use his stuff without asking him, or walk into his room without at least knocking.

I feel like he's being treated without any respect, and it would be really obvious to them if he was a little older but for some reason they just can't see it with a 5 year old. My DP feels I'm overreacting...

Wow quite shocked by a lot of the abhorrent posts on this thread saying that children shouldn't be respected. Children are people and have rights - look up human rights of the child. You are not more human or more of a person because you are bigger and more powerful. Disgusting attitude.

Op and Knits, I'm with you.

Op, look up gentle parenting, peaceful parenting, and unconditional parenting. You might find some ideas you identity with.

Also remember you are your child's advocate. Help your child by standing up for them when others are rude and disrespectful. He needs to learn how to stand up for himself - by seeing you model that, and by showing that he is worth standing up for. In this world he is powerless and disrespected, but you are an adult with power - be his champion and advocate.

"A lot" of posts saying children shouldn't be respected? Think you must be reading a different thread.

Of course children should be respected, advocated for, and taught to be empowered until they no longer need an adult advocate.
It's the OP who doesn't seem to understand the concept of respect, and gives completely inconsistent messages , e.g.choose whether you want to wear a coat, but if you don't, I'll trail along carrying your belongings because I don't agree with your choice!!

My parents repeatedly started conversations at the table, completely ignoring the fact that my DS was already talking. On occasion they started conversations with the person my DS was already talking to. They didn't even wait for a gap - they just chose to talk louder than he was.

I agree with you on this one, it was one of the things I was taught to do on my Nursery Nurse training. If you're talking to the adult first, the child is told to wait and that it's rude to interrupt, If your talking to the child and adult interupts, you ask the other adult to hold on a moment, if you're talking to a child and another child interupts, you tell them to wait. It's kind of second nature to me.
Dd developed a severe stammer when she was around two/three she had tics and everything, Was really really bad at mils and at nursery, (first salt appointment she was fine, and therapist even said she had quite advanced vocabulary so we recorded her to show how bad she was) salt pointed out mils that mil ignores her when one of the other kids interupts similar was happening at nursery, they'd rush her to speak, which made dd even worse and then they'd either finish her words for her or just walk away!! Salt gave me leaflets to give to everyone, said to make sure she isn't spoken over by other children and adults, if she's talking first, listen to her and make the other person interrupting wait and never ever finish her sentences or rush her. Everyone followed it but Mil, it was heartbreaking watching dd trying to tell her something and dd struggle as she could see mil becoming distracted, then another adult or one of the other kids would shout her and she'd walk away. We reduced time spent round there and would have mil come here instead as it was usually calmer as other kids weren't there. DDs speech vastly improved and the stammer and tics were gone within two months.

My DFIL picked my DS up to read a story to him. My DS clearly didn't want to be held and asked to be put down. When they DFIL didn't put him down he struggled. I had to intervene and say something.

Again I agree and I'd think a (not) five year old is too old to be picked up and carried anyway. What was wrong with him sitting on the sofa with DS for a story? That's more age appropriate for a five year old than being carried around. It's odd that FIL insisted on him being carried when he started squirming tbh, I've found that usually when a kid gets upset at being carried people usually put them straight back down or hand them to parents.

My DS got a half size guitar for Christmas. My brother saw that he was in danger of damaging it, took it from him briefly to show him the correct way to hold it, and how to handle it without damaging it and then showed him a few cords (all entirely acceptable). Later my DFIL took it to play it, despite my DS insistence that he wanted it back.

You mean he took it off DS when DS was playing it, without asking? Or picked it up when DS wasn't using it? If it was the first I'd be annoyed and not something I'd do, but is one of the things I'd say to dd that if it's a special item she doesn't want others on it should be in her bedroom and not played on if she's not wanting others to have a go. So if someone asked and dd said no, (she wouldn't, she'd prob offer him first turn lol) I'd tell her to take it upstairs if she's not going to share it, and that if she wants to play it downstairs with everyone around she lets others have a go. If FIL just snatched it off him while he is mid tune Id be miffed too and Dh would have jokingly said something to his Dad. If my Dad did it I'd have said something to him in private, but my Dad wasn't a great setter of examples and it wouldn't have gone down well.

My DS asked if he could watch TV after Christmas diner. We agreed to a single episode. Whilst he was watching it my father changed to Sports without asking him.

I don't agree with this one in a way. At the inlaws house, I don't agree that dd gets a say in what goes in their TV, and I'll always tell her no. But usually my Mum puts on for the kids after Sunday lunch knowing that when grandad is finished the sports goes on, he doesn't ask them he will just go in the room and turn it over. Maybe you can do something like with DS? Say that yes he can an episode of whatever on as long as FIL and mil don't mind but that there's no guarantees he can watch it all as it'll be going off if an adult wants TV.
If it was in your own home, again I'd have said no when we had guests. (It's usually off anyway during day) Dd can watch it upstairs if she wants the full episode, but if downstairs guests are asked if they'd like to watch anything (and FIL would say sport).

Wearing a coat outdoors, dd doesn't feel the cold and the cost comes off at some point but tweaking it when little in winter wasn't a choice I gave her, as she got old enough to dress herself I stopped forcing her to wear one, but no way would I carry it about for her, it goes in her bag which she carries herself. It sounds like you let him not wear it, not because he doesn't feel the cold but because you want him to learn from the mistake of being cold, but if you're carrying his coat for him, he's not learning that. He knows he can have his coat when he needs it. I'd either go on short trips and then go back home when he realises he should have worn his coat, or I'd make him responsible for carrying it in his bag.

If you're planning on having more children it all goes out the window, you find yourself lugging several coats about, negotiating which child has their wishes to not do a b or c prioritised as believe me, they will clash. So sometimes you have to have set rules for them all that can't be negotiated. If only to make life easier for yourself. If you're planning on having the one child, then if it works for you it works, but be prepared for the outside world to not agree and follow your rules. So like if he's with gran and her rule is out a coat on, then he outs a coat on.

I learnt very quickly that while dd is the centre of my universe, out in the world shes just another kid and she's an equal to everyone else and can't have everyone following her wishes, desires and preferences etc. So something like forced kissing she can refuse, but other times she has to go along with some rules she doesn't at home, like wearing a coat.

Also @ knits, your reply to me, thank you.

The way you worded it the second time is pretty much the same as what I do, things dd has taken ages to build and wants to show her Dad type stuff, I'd probably just not vacuum and leave jigsaw or whatever on the floor as it's not often she does that. I dint pick stuff off her bedroom floor as she can have spent days making or role playing with figures and have them all set up in a particular scenario that makes sense on,y in her head so I'll leave that alone, but she does know that she can't usually do that in living room so it's put on a tray or summat that can be carried away.

I'd thought from your first explanation you meant a general everyday playing with bricks thing and a child just saying no, and then asking again in five mins and they say no, then again etc. Thank you for explaining further to me, and I hope I didn't come across arsey :)

Shivering I think you have totally misunderstood the comments. Nobody has said not to respect the child but that the child also needs to learn to respect others. The OP sounds like she indulges the rights of her DS to express himself over everybody else's right to talk. Children do need to learn. As I stated earlier those children brought up to believe they should just be respected to do whatever they want to do (talk when they want and everyone listens, not do something they should be doing etc.) make terrible pupils in a class of 30.

Not at all just, it was an interesting question and made me think in a bit more detail about how I'd handle different situations. Which is pretty much the type of conversations I joined mumsnet for!