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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to demand that people treat my DS with respect

181 replies

Whirlmeister · 26/12/2016 16:32

AIBU to demand that people treat my DS (age 5) with the same respect they would treat any other human being, including things like asking his permission before using his things, allowing him to make choices for himself (even when those choices are going to cause him trouble), leaving him alone if he asks you not to touch him (even if they feel he needs a kiss or a hug), giving him privacy - all within the constraints that we don't allow him to place himself in danger, or step outside the limited rules we set down (like bed times, holding hands whilst crossing the road, coming when called etc.).

I get absolutely livid when certain people ignore his wishes, do things for him despite him wanting to do them for himself, hold him despite him asking to be put down or let go of, pick up and use his stuff without asking him, or walk into his room without at least knocking.

I feel like he's being treated without any respect, and it would be really obvious to them if he was a little older but for some reason they just can't see it with a 5 year old. My DP feels I'm overreacting...

OP posts:
redexpat · 26/12/2016 21:21

I knock on my DS door. He is 5. He does the same to us.

Oddbins · 26/12/2016 21:26

I really would love to see how some of your entitled children turn out in years to come. When they know everything about their rights and fuck all about their responsibilities because they have been taught that their wants HAVE to be respected. No they do not. They get respect and autonomy when they can handle it not on demand.

BertrandRussell · 26/12/2016 21:28

My children are not "entitled".

We just all knock on closed doors in this house.

KnitsBakesAndReads · 26/12/2016 21:29

Sorry, what on earth is "entitled" about saying a child should not be forced to show physical affection to someone against their wishes?

redexpat · 26/12/2016 21:32

Well Id like my children to be more entitled than I was, so if a man starts groping them they feel entitled to tell him to stop.

hippyhippyshake · 26/12/2016 21:32

Lol at 'demand'. Is this going to take over from 'livid' as the word of the year?
Demanding' people to do stuff will have the opposite effect. You are hardly showing respect to the adults who you expect to show respect to your ds if you make demands.

Oddbins · 26/12/2016 21:37

Did I mention being touched?
Jog on and be professionally offended elsewhere it's not about you. Of course forcing children to kiss or hug someone isn't on. However teaching them that they are the authority is bloody idiotic. They are not capable of making choices they need controlled risk and guidelines.

To think otherwise is idiotic

KnitsBakesAndReads · 26/12/2016 21:42

We disagree, no need to resort to insults.

The OP, and several other posters have referred to being made to hug or kiss relatives as a way in which children are not respected. That's why it's relevant to mention that in response to you saying children are raised to be "entitled" if they are treated in the way the OP and others have described.

glentherednosedbattleostrich · 26/12/2016 21:43

Oddbina had it occurred to you that a parent can teach both rights and responsibilities?

As my DFather says, if you want your rights you must carry out your responsibilities.

My daughter is not entitled, she is a charming, smart, funny, sweet respectful child who knows her own mind.

Children need to learn how to make choices otherwise we end up with a bunch of special snowflakes who don't have a clue.

sparechange · 26/12/2016 21:45

I get absolutely livid when certain people ignore his wishes, do things for him despite him wanting to do them for himself

You're one of those people who creates massive queues at peak rush hours because you insist on letting your child work a ticket machine/walk down station steps/scan the shopping/pay in a shop, to let them 'express themselves and learn', aren't you...

NorksAkimbo72 · 26/12/2016 22:00

Agree with the touching thing completely, dc shouldn't have to kiss or hug anyone they don't want to. I think everything else is a bit ott. Choices are good, but in a controlled sort of way, eg., "it's breakfast time, would you like cereal x or cereal y?"
The privacy thing is slightly strange, mainly because I'm not sure I'd be ok with a 5 year old alone in a bedroom with the door closed when s/he wasn't sleeping. We are an open door family, so that might just be me.
Demanding respect isn't really how it works...of course I try to listen to my dcs because they are people with opinions and wants, but sometimes those get overruled for the good of the family, and so that they understand boundaries and authorities.

DailyFail1 · 26/12/2016 22:24

He's 5. Chill out.

BarbarianMum · 26/12/2016 22:36

Do I know you OP? Had a (just the one) play date with a little boy who had the same respect shown to him. He wouldn't let his mum or me sit on the sofa because he was there first and he needed all of it, told us which of the biscuits we were allowed, then he wouldn't let ds1 play with any of his toys. We left after 20 minutes or so, much to his displeasure and have swerved them ever since.

woesinwonderland · 26/12/2016 22:46

Aside from the physical contact YABVU. It is important to teach children that they are not the centre of the universe and you "demanding" people to give him authority is not going to help much there.

I was on a gentle parenting forum for a while and it was full of threads like this. People crying tears, hand wringing etc because society were not giving their dc the respect they deserved. I left shortly after someone was livid (and saddened at the same time) that their DM was angry that she had allowed her dc aged 3 to play with her china teapot, then smashed it. She felt this was a learning experience that her DM had ruined for the dc Hmm and that you wouldn't deny an adult to hold the teapot, so the 3 year old clearly.had not been respect and has his rights infringed Hmm

CancellyMcChequeface · 26/12/2016 22:57

They are not capable of making choices they need controlled risk and guidelines.

I don't think anyone on this thread is arguing that children should have no guidelines or boundaries, but the first part of this statement is nonsensical. No child, anywhere, is capable of making any choice? Of course they are. Yes, there are many choices a 5-year-old doesn't have the capacity to make, but that means it is even more important to be respect those that they can and do make.

It's also interesting how people on this thread are conflating 'respect' with 'authority.' Allowing children to make their own decisions about physical affection, knocking before entering rooms, or asking before using the child's own possessions are very, very different to obeying the child's every order and whim. Showing basic respect towards a young child doesn't equate to allowing or encouraging the child to disrespect others.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/12/2016 23:00

Youve got a point on something's such as Asking his permission to touch his things. That's fair enough. That's his property. Yes I'll go for that. Id expect people to ask my permission before they touched my things.
However about the let him make his own decisions even if it gets him into trouble nonsense. You sound like a right crank. No one has ever wilted away from a bit of good old fashioned discipline, honestly.

God help his poor bloody teacher. If he/she has to tell he's done something wrong. What are people to do let him run a mock.
Part of being a parent is teaching them right from wrong.

BarbarianMum · 26/12/2016 23:14

Asking permission to touch his things.

How does that work then? "X tidy up your bricks please, before someone steps on them. No, well then can I pick them up for you because they are really in the way and I need to Hoover? You really don't want me to touch them, oh OK I'll just leave them be and hope no-one slips."

KnitsBakesAndReads · 26/12/2016 23:27

Maybe more like this Barbarian...

"X, your bricks are on the floor and I need to hoover. Do you want to tidy them away or shall I do it?"
"I don't want you to move them"
"Okay, please can you move them then, otherwise they might get hoovered up. You could play with them in your bedroom instead."
"I'm doing XYZ now, I don't want to move them"
"Okay, I'll give you five minutes and then I'll need to move them if you haven't."

Almost similar (with a bit more negotiating) to a conversation you might have with an adult if you needed them to move some possessions.

Or, you could set a ground rule that bricks can't be left on the floor because someone could fall on them. Then explain to the child that bricks left on the floor will always be tidied away as it's important to keep the house safe for other family members.

Nobody is saying children should do whatever they please. It's about how adults choose to treat them and enforce reasonable boundaries,

DoJo · 26/12/2016 23:29

I knock on my four year old's door- he usually only goes in there when he wants to be on his own for a bit, but either way, it doees no harm to show him that he has some degree of control over little things like that, given that he has relatively little control over the bigger decisions in his life.

BarbarianMum · 26/12/2016 23:31

Aw bless Knits. My ds2 would eat you for breakfast with that approach.

BertrandRussell · 26/12/2016 23:32

I am considered very strict indeed. But I have always knocked and waited at a closed door.

KnitsBakesAndReads · 26/12/2016 23:40

Well, Barbarian, that sounds like an extreme reaction to being given some choices about clearing up toys! Grin

JustWoman · 26/12/2016 23:49

JustWoman: Your daughter started carrying sanitary products at 6? Probably a personal question but did she need them or was that down to your advice?

She didn't need them no, but she was anxious about starting periods at school and bleeding and being teased. She had loads of public hair and the start of breasts, spots, the greasy hair and after a puberty talk thing at 6:7 years old at school she started worrying that they would start soon. It made her feel more confident and a lot less stressed having them in her bag, and even though they were in a discreet pencil case type thing should they fall out at school or summat, she did ask me if I'd not let dad in her bag just in case. I think if he insisted going in it it would have made a trivial thing into a big deal.

She didn't start her periods until she was 10 but a couple of her classmates did start at seven and eight so I guess it wouldn't have been unusual if she had needed them. Must be something in the water round here :)

RichardBucket · 26/12/2016 23:58

KnitsBakesAndReads Seriously? You think that's a reasonable conversation to have with a five-year-old OR an adult?

KnitsBakesAndReads · 27/12/2016 00:04

It's obviously a massive oversimplification! In principle though, that's the approach I'd take. Imagine if your DP or another adult had left something like a half-finished jigsaw out on the floor. Most reasonable people would ask the other adult to move it if necessary, rather than just chucking it all in its box. I don't see why a child's possessions can't be treated in similar way.