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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to demand that people treat my DS with respect

181 replies

Whirlmeister · 26/12/2016 16:32

AIBU to demand that people treat my DS (age 5) with the same respect they would treat any other human being, including things like asking his permission before using his things, allowing him to make choices for himself (even when those choices are going to cause him trouble), leaving him alone if he asks you not to touch him (even if they feel he needs a kiss or a hug), giving him privacy - all within the constraints that we don't allow him to place himself in danger, or step outside the limited rules we set down (like bed times, holding hands whilst crossing the road, coming when called etc.).

I get absolutely livid when certain people ignore his wishes, do things for him despite him wanting to do them for himself, hold him despite him asking to be put down or let go of, pick up and use his stuff without asking him, or walk into his room without at least knocking.

I feel like he's being treated without any respect, and it would be really obvious to them if he was a little older but for some reason they just can't see it with a 5 year old. My DP feels I'm overreacting...

OP posts:
NotStoppedAllDay · 26/12/2016 18:04

Jeez....'demand'?? There are 2 parents in this, your DH feels yabu

I take his view here

girlelephant · 26/12/2016 18:04

Hopefully OP will be bask soon to elaborate and answer the questions and points raised

Starlight2345 · 26/12/2016 18:05

Not enough information..

I have a 9 year old who can have an opinion on anything...I get the casting vote in this house.. I agree with the unwanted touching...I don't knock on doors..I laughed at the poster who gets privacy in the bathroom...Me getting in the bath is a guaranteed way of getting my DS to need a poo.

They are children . I do teach my DS values that doesn't mean his opinion counts... Sometimes he has to learn things the hard way but he isn't an equal...His job is to be a child , he doesn't need to worry about his diet, he doesn't need to worry about the bills, his job is school.. He doesn't get to decide what we eat because we would live on junkfood and fruit would become a thing of the past replaced by chocolate.

WhooooAmI24601 · 26/12/2016 18:13

The only part I agree with is the part about forced kisses and hugs; my DCs know that they are entitled to say no to either if they're not happy, and I won't force the issue. DS1 is 11 and has ASD so we've taught him from a very young age about personal space and all that. However, he's pretty cuddly and affectionate, so will happily hug most relatives.

The rest, though, is a short step away from madness. MIL doesn't ask the DCs when they arrive at her house if they'd like a drink; she just pops one on the table. She dresses DS2 when he stays over (he's 5 and has dressed himself since he was tiny, but he's a lazy goat and loves her pandering to him). She often assumes stuff with the DCs when she's around and unless it put them at risk I'd let it go.

When it comes to your DCs you sometimes have to pick your battles. The same with IL's. I pick the battles which matter to me; personal space and boundaries. The rest I let go - it does me no harm if MIL dresses a lazy child into it's pyjamas. It makes her feel like she's useful, perhaps.

JustWoman · 26/12/2016 18:23

I see absolutely no reason to knock on a 5 year old's bedroom door. They don't feel a need for privacy. What would they be doing that they would object to you seeing?

I dunno, my dd started getting pubic hair just before she turned six and started being uncomfortable when naked. It's not like she ran around the house starker before that but things like helping wash her hair in the bath she no longer wanted dh to see her and would also be awkward about me seeing so she started washing her own hair (badly for a while) We didn't knock on her bedroom door but did shout if it's ok to come in in case she getting changed. She'd worry about changing even in her own room in case dh went blundering in for whatever reason, (she has the big room and there's some of our belongings in the built in storage) and I felt if she was old enough to ask for privacy, she's old enough to have it respected. dh would have felt off believing she should be able to say no to boys when she's older while ignoring her no himself type thing.

YorkiesGlasses · 26/12/2016 18:26

I partly agree, on the point about physical autonomy, however... On Christmas Eve I got up early because my friends wanted to visit with their DS at 9am en-route to somewhere else. I only got in at 4am the night before, but I got myself up and ready, only to get a text from them at 9:30am "Lol, he's not up yet! We'll catch you late afternoon!" Fine. I went back to bed. An hour later the doorbell started going and they were all on the doorstep because "He insisted we had to see you first, no changes to the schedule." Their child is three years old.

They can get on with the business of being full-time PAs for their toddler, but I'm probably going to block them!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/12/2016 18:27

I agree with the no unwanted hugs etc. I follow the same rule with my own children. Same with privacy in the bathroom or when getting changed. I am less precious about my own privacy but respect theirs to the extent they want me to.

KnitsBakesAndReads · 26/12/2016 18:31

I'm not sure I agree with every word of your post, OP, but I wholeheartedly agree with the principle of treating children with the same respect you'd treat an adult. It's really nice to hear someone share those views and I think your DS is lucky to have a mum who treats him with kindness and respect.

BertrandRussell · 26/12/2016 18:34

"I see absolutely no reason to knock on a 5 year old's bedroom door. They don't feel a need for privacy. What would they be doing that they would object to you seeing?

Well, nothing. Except whatever they might be doing they don't want you see. They have rich inner lives. And why shouldn't they have privacy? They are people!

Sixweekstowait · 26/12/2016 18:35

Re the hugs and kisses - generally with us, that's reserved for greeting and saying goodbye. If a child didn't want to do that, I'd be fine as long as proper hellos and goodbyes were said - that's part of teaching good manners to a child as goodbyes especially often involve thank you for cominging/having me/ the nice tea etc. Having said that, little French children just get on with the kissing but I do understand it's cultural.

That1950sMum · 26/12/2016 18:39

My DP feels I'm overreacting

I think your OP may have a point.

JustWoman · 26/12/2016 18:39

So who on here asks their child's permission before opening their bag? Let's say you need to wash their PE kit or read a letter from the school. Be honest. I suspect no-one does.

I'm probably in the minority again, but yes, I don't go in DDs bag without checking. It was again at her request, think she was about 6/7 ish. She'd started carrying sanitary towels and spare underwear in her bag just in case and would rather she dealt with any bloodied knickers herself. She knows there's no shame in menstrating but didn't want her Dad (or me) taking them out.

Nine times out of ten, she will ask me to go in and get a letter, but sometimes she hands it to me herself, she's always put her PE kit into the laundry basket with her school uniform etc at the end of the week, when she was younger if it wasn't there I'd ask her, but now if it's not there it doesn't get washed as she's old enough to remember this stuff herself.

MrsJayy · 26/12/2016 18:41

A lot of parents make appropriate decisions for their 5 year olds little children can not cope with making their own choices some of your points I agree with some really not and some i think are outlandish and dramatic it is your job to protect and guide your child and sometimes part of that guidance is choosing for him

MamaMotherMummy · 26/12/2016 18:43

I think an important thing I've noticed with respect to the comments is the difference between freedom and licence. I picked up this idea from the book Summerhill.

Freedom is to choose to wear a particular type of clothes.
Licence is to insist that everyone in the family wears that type of clothes.

Freedom is to have someone knock on your door.
Licence is to barge into other people's rooms without knocking.

Freedom is to dislike a particular type of food and not eat it.
Licence is insisting someone else spend valuable time preparing a complicated meal when there are other issues on offer.

Basically, freedom is about governing what you yourself do that has little impact on other people. I think children should be given as much of this as possible, for their personal integrity as they grow up. Children who are being denied what they want in everything and every corner of their life micromanaged end up full of rage. This is often pent up then explodes in teenage years in combination with hormones etc. Rebellion is often a signal that there are too many boundaries in place restricting personal freedom. The parents have not given the child enough responsibilities and freedom (not a paradox at all) in accordance with the individual's maturity, and the teenager has to basically revolt to get it.

Licence is doing whatever the heck you want, sod everyone else. I don't think anyone should be doing that.

That's what I got from it anyway.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 26/12/2016 18:52

I remember watching a toddler wipe his crisp-crumby hands on the public library's carpet. His mum offered him a wet wipe but when he refused said "it's your body, you can make your own choices"

It's not his bloody carpet though!

Another pair of mums arranged to meet in a woodland for a picnic, they drove to separate entrances and walked different routes to the playground/ picnic site. On the way their toddlers were so fascinated by a puddle/ stick/ tree and they would never overrule their choice to play in one puddle for an hour and a half, that neither made the picnic

OP I absolutely agree with the principle and do give my toddler choices, however sometimes toddlers don't know their own selves, and at that age I think they have limited capacity to learn some things

Eg I bet those toddlers would have loved the playground, but they have no sense of timekeeping, or letting down friends (if the friend hadn't also spent 90mins in a puddle), or whether they would feel better after doing some exercise today, and their capacity for this is limited at the moment

HandbagCrab · 26/12/2016 19:03

irvine I don't think you read what I wrote. It wasn't 'I love you grandchild so much I'd like a photo or two to remember our special day'. It was like being in the room with paparazzi as you're trying to get on with your day, no positive interaction just a flash going off and horrible remarks when dc protested. They fell out with me btw and refused to hold their 5 day old grandchild or speak to me or the 5 year old for the rest of the visit.

I hate people taking my photo without my consent, it's rude and invasive and you rarely get nice photos from it anyway. Why should a child put up with it?

Trifleorbust · 26/12/2016 20:18

JustWoman: Your daughter started carrying sanitary products at 6? Probably a personal question but did she need them or was that down to your advice?

Trifleorbust · 26/12/2016 20:23

BertrandRussell: Are you serious? I have never met a 5 year old who preferred privacy in their room in my life. When they are playing, sleeping, reading or whatever, children like to feel that someone is available to them and in charge. You can teach them to desire privacy but I doubt any 5 year old has ever asked their parents to knock on their bedroom door.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/12/2016 20:29

Is this an extension of that bloody meme?

FATEdestiny · 26/12/2016 20:39

She knows there's no shame in menstrating but didn't want her Dad (or me) taking them out.

Ha! You clearly need a word with my DD, who imagines that when she remove a used sanitary towel from her knickers that magic fairies must dispose of it.

Used sanitary pads can stay in her school bag for days and days in on her bedroom bin (sealed in bags of course, but still ewwww) until I pick them up.

She's also the only one who fills the sanitary bin in our bathroom so DH and I have suggested she could empty the bin herself since she's the one best placed to know when it needs emptying. She looked at me like I had a third head at this suggestion. No chance! It's a job I hate Envy

Anyhoo, I digress. As you were...

glentherednosedbattleostrich · 26/12/2016 20:49

Starlight, I did say I expect privacy in the bathroom, I'm yet to get it. My 6 year old shouts in to ask if mummy's doing a poo and if the answer is yes she sees that as captive audience time Grin. I hope that modelling behaviour will sink in at some point soon!

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 26/12/2016 20:51

Used sanitary pads can stay in her school bag for days and days in on her bedroom bin (sealed in bags of course, but still ewwww) until I pick them up.

Why do you put up with that??

Shock
Starlight2345 · 26/12/2016 20:53

Is this an extension of that bloody meme?

I saw this after the post and wondered the same

missyB1 · 26/12/2016 20:58

OP I'm with your dp, sounds like your are over reacting.

FATEdestiny · 26/12/2016 21:01

I try not to VeryBitchyRestingFace. I have strong words with her every time I find one anywhere other than the bathroom bin. Shes not as bad as she was a couple of years ago. My point on this thread is that in terms of menstruation my 12yo certainly doesn't want the same privacy as the PP's DD.