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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to demand that people treat my DS with respect

181 replies

Whirlmeister · 26/12/2016 16:32

AIBU to demand that people treat my DS (age 5) with the same respect they would treat any other human being, including things like asking his permission before using his things, allowing him to make choices for himself (even when those choices are going to cause him trouble), leaving him alone if he asks you not to touch him (even if they feel he needs a kiss or a hug), giving him privacy - all within the constraints that we don't allow him to place himself in danger, or step outside the limited rules we set down (like bed times, holding hands whilst crossing the road, coming when called etc.).

I get absolutely livid when certain people ignore his wishes, do things for him despite him wanting to do them for himself, hold him despite him asking to be put down or let go of, pick up and use his stuff without asking him, or walk into his room without at least knocking.

I feel like he's being treated without any respect, and it would be really obvious to them if he was a little older but for some reason they just can't see it with a 5 year old. My DP feels I'm overreacting...

OP posts:
KnitsBakesAndReads · 27/12/2016 20:53

Could you point me to where anyone's proposed that, Richard?

RichardBucket · 27/12/2016 20:55

No. I don't feel like it.

KnitsBakesAndReads · 27/12/2016 21:00

Very good. Grin Have a nice evening.

pieceofpurplesky · 27/12/2016 21:50

Knits it is common manners - conversation needs to be taken in turns - not condoning talking over the kid but he needs to learn that he cannot control the situation which is what is implied. People should not just have to sit there listening to the incessant chatter of a 5 yo for hours. The child needs to learn how to communicate correctly (although it seems to be an inherent problem in the OP's family)

KnitsBakesAndReads · 27/12/2016 22:30

purple, this is how the OP described the situation: "My parents repeatedly started conversations at the table, completely ignoring the fact that my DS was already talking. On occasion they started conversations with the person my DS was already talking to. They didn't even wait for a gap - they just chose to talk louder than he was."

To me it sounds like the adults were the one not using "common manners". I don't see the OP's DS could be said to be trying to control the situation. To me it sounds like he was trying to engage in conversation and was spoken over by someone who could talk louder. I'd suggest it's the adult who needs to review their manners, not the child.

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado · 27/12/2016 22:31

.

PoorFannyRobin · 27/12/2016 22:34

A five-year-old needs kindness and care.

He doesn't need respect. It takes a good bit of projecting to think that he does.

misshelena · 27/12/2016 22:49

No Knits. Purple and Richard are right. We have only OP's point of view and therefore cannot take everything OP says as gospel. Remember this is an OP whose idea of "teaching ds a lesson" about decisions and consequences is to act like his personal servant and carry his jacket for him when he refused to wear one! OP's parents probably just got sick of waiting around for the kid to stop talking especially since mom apparently thinks that ds' "expressing himself" is of supreme interest to all adults who come into contact with the little snowflake.

KnitsBakesAndReads · 27/12/2016 23:05

Well of course whenever someone posts in AIBU we're only getting their point of view. Based on the way the OP described the situation I agree with her that her parents treatment of her DS was unkind. Neither you or I have any way of knowing if the OP's description of the situation is accurate so I'm not sure I understand what your point is.

TheLegendOfBeans · 27/12/2016 23:10

You're at quite a bit of risk of raising a "Boy King" here, OP.

Munstermonchgirl · 27/12/2016 23:13

From what the OP says, the grandparents are rude. From what the OP says, she is a doormat. It's ridiculous to routinely carry a 5 year olds clothes because they exercise their choice to not wear them

misshelena · 27/12/2016 23:28

Knits - I made my point extremely clear. If you don't understand, then you do NOT want to understand. No point continuing this exchange.

HopeClearwater · 27/12/2016 23:34

Ooh the poor reception teacher! 30 kids including the OP's child who has to be specially treated. Do you know what happens in reception, OP? The teacher says 'playtime' and they ALL have to put their coats on. No time for arguing or coming back to get it later. It's coat on and out you go. 'I don't want to' doesn't work and 'I won't' is the first sign that the child is going to be a pain in the arse. All created by mummy's right-on ways.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 27/12/2016 23:39

Crikey I thought I was a gentle parent until I read this thread. If DD had lego that needed moving so I could Hoover or didn't want to put her jacket on outside in winter, there's no way in hell I'd negotiate, I usually say "it wasn't a question" Confused

Although I wholeheartedly agree re the hugging and kissing OP - I think it teaches important lessons about consent and I think a 5yo is definitely old enough to know when he doesn't want hugged kissed or picked up.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 27/12/2016 23:42

Also if everyone in the room waited until my DD (3.5) pauses for breath before speaking then no bugger else would ever get a word in edge ways! Kids don't need 'respect' in the same way adults do, they need caring for and raising to understand what's right and good mannered and acceptable. They won't figure it out for themselves.

BertrandRussell · 27/12/2016 23:51

But it does no harm to say "Sorry, Timmy, I just need to talk to mum a minute" before talking over.

It's all a matter of compromise.

Nobody has yet explained to me why it's OK not to knock on a closed door just because it's a child's door.

KnitsBakesAndReads · 28/12/2016 00:01

cherry, if we want children to learn "what's right and good mannered and acceptable" wouldn't it make sense for adults to demonstrate that to children though. If it's considered good manners not to interrupt someone then it seems a bit illogical to me to defend an adult interrupting a child on the grounds that the child needs to learn that it's rude to interrupt.

misshelena · 28/12/2016 00:07

Bertrand - I think the not knocking is a habit for many of us. You know, like you never knock when they were newborns, and so you continue to do that until there is a reason to change. For me, that "reason" came when they started to try to hide their bodies when I happen to walk in on them when they are changing. I think this happened when they were around 8.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 28/12/2016 00:09

Knits my 3.5yo is going through a phase of saying "when I was a baby, I used to have milk", "when I was a baby I used to kick your tummy from the inside" and laugh hysterically and go on to her next anecdote. I'll indulge her drivel, but if I need to tell DH something important or answer a phone call from the doctor there's no way I'm waiting til she's finished. I say "DD be quiet please as I need to say something to daddy/answer the phone" (and she usually ignores me), I don't think this is teaching her anything bad. I also think it's fine to not treat children like you do adults, asking their permission and opinion on everything, I find it quite bizarre actually!

KnitsBakesAndReads · 28/12/2016 00:16

That's pretty similar to what I'd do in those circumstances, cherry. If the adults in the OP's example had done something similar - eg "hang on a minute X, I need to ask mum a question" - rather than just speaking over him loudly then I'd have a lot more sympathy for them.

pieceofpurplesky · 28/12/2016 00:55

Knits the parents 'repeatedly' trying to talk over him suggests that he was not shutting up.

KnitsBakesAndReads · 28/12/2016 01:25

Well, I guess only the OP knows what actually happened.

Your interpretation is that the child wasn't "shutting up" so had to be repeatedly interrupted. Another interpretation might be that the family spent a couple of hours at the dining table and the child tried on a few occasions to join in or start conversations but was repeatedly interrupted or talked over by adults. Who knows which is closer to the truth.

I know a few adults who I think never shut up but I still manage to be polite to them.

misshelena · 28/12/2016 01:28

Pieces and Cherry -- Knits takes OP verbatim. It's a classic strategy used by someone who is digging in and arguing to win, not to communicate. There is no point.

InstantMom · 28/12/2016 02:05

Op if your family were repeatedly talking over your ds doesn't that mean your ds was repeatedly dominating the conversation?

Also regarding the guitar. Was your ds playing the guitar and your fil took the guitar right out his hands whilst he was using it?

Or was it sitting not being used and when fil picked it up?

If the former... then totally rude but I'd probably make some pa comment about its nice to share but it's also nice to ask for a turn. Maybe not the best approach but I'd rather not undermine another adult to a child.

However if the latter, then my dc would get a firm word about how they have to share and they weren't using the toy and can't decide they want it just because someone else is now using it.

SarfEast1cated · 28/12/2016 08:36

I actually think you're right OP but have maybe written your post in a ranty fashion. I was always considerate and respectful to my DD (as I imagine we all are really) but it sounds like your rellies are from the 'children should be seen but not heard' brigade. The more time they spend with your son the more they will learn how to interact with him, and your son with them. It doesn't sound like they spend a lot of time with children tbh.