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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to demand that people treat my DS with respect

181 replies

Whirlmeister · 26/12/2016 16:32

AIBU to demand that people treat my DS (age 5) with the same respect they would treat any other human being, including things like asking his permission before using his things, allowing him to make choices for himself (even when those choices are going to cause him trouble), leaving him alone if he asks you not to touch him (even if they feel he needs a kiss or a hug), giving him privacy - all within the constraints that we don't allow him to place himself in danger, or step outside the limited rules we set down (like bed times, holding hands whilst crossing the road, coming when called etc.).

I get absolutely livid when certain people ignore his wishes, do things for him despite him wanting to do them for himself, hold him despite him asking to be put down or let go of, pick up and use his stuff without asking him, or walk into his room without at least knocking.

I feel like he's being treated without any respect, and it would be really obvious to them if he was a little older but for some reason they just can't see it with a 5 year old. My DP feels I'm overreacting...

OP posts:
Munstermonchgirl · 27/12/2016 11:09

Why on Earth do you take his coat and hat with you if he chooses not to wear them? All you are teaching him is that you'll be encumbered with carrying the stuff you think he needs, rather than fully following through with allowing him to make choices. You sound so obsessed with being a 'right on' parent type that you're full of inconsistencies- which is probably the worst thing to be as a parent.

You believe in him exercising the right to not wear a coat - follow it through then; don't act like a pack horse trailing after him with his belongings in case he changes his mind. Or alternatively if you can see that the temperature is such that he needs more clothes on for his physical well being, act like a parent and explain to him why he needs a coat

ThatsWotSheSaid · 27/12/2016 11:14

My DD frequently doesn't wear a coat in winter. She runs hot like me. If people believed I wasn't capable of knowing when I was cold and forced me to wear the same layers as they do I'd be hot and uncomfortable all the time so I let her choose too. I accept that other people feel differently. My MIL is always buying/suggesting cardigans and hats etc because she cares for my DD and wants what's best for her too. Everybody does things differently and I don't think there is a right and wrong in all these things. For example, I would never insist my DD eats lots of her main meal with the bribe of dessert if she does. I think it's encouraging her to ignore her body telling her how much she needs to eat. But we don't have pudding in our house. We have treats just not after meals.

Original poster
Whirlmeister · 27/12/2016 11:33

Just to answer one comment that came up frequently. I am not suggesting my DS should always get his way.

I am suggesting we listen to him and take his views into account. I also insist that he listens to us. If we're not going to talk over him, he's not going to talk to us. I have stuff I value, that I don't want to risk getting broken or lost. I insist he doesn't touch some of my stuff. Why would I feel I have a right to take his stuff from him?

If he does wrong we tell him off. If needs be we will punish him. But we set clear boundaries and he knows what they are so he doesn't end up being punished. I also have no issue with teachers or other authority figures telling him off or punishing him.

A number of specific issues annoyed me over the last week which probably triggered the rant:

  • My parents repeatedly started conversations at the table, completely ignoring the fact that my DS was already talking. On occasion they started conversations with the person my DS was already talking to. They didn't even wait for a gap - they just chose to talk louder than he was.
  • My DFIL picked my DS up to read a story to him. My DS clearly didn't want to be held and asked to be put down. When they DFIL didn't put him down he struggled. I had to intervene and say something.
  • My DS got a half size guitar for Christmas. My brother saw that he was in danger of damaging it, took it from him briefly to show him the correct way to hold it, and how to handle it without damaging it and then showed him a few cords (all entirely acceptable). Later my DFIL took it to play it, despite my DS insistence that he wanted it back.
  • My DS asked if he could watch TV after Christmas diner. We agreed to a single episode. Whilst he was watching it my father changed to Sports without asking him.

There were other incidents, but these are indicative of the sort of thing that annoyed me. Little things, but things which highlight how they view him. They love him, but they don't yet show him respect. I want really sure how to react - most of the time I didn't intervene because my DS has to learn to stand up for himself. The couple of time he did (politely) say something I felt very proud of him

I know someone said respect has to be won. Well our DS has earned our respect. He's kind, understanding, sensible and trustworthy. I know that if others listened to him more they too would realise he is worthy of that respect.

OP posts:
plimsolls · 27/12/2016 11:37

OP I agree with you, if the way I have interpreted your posts is correct. You don't seem to be trying to be 'right on' nor a pushover. It sounds perfectly logical actuay and at no point does it sound like your son is spoilt or difficult or is kowtowed to.

ThePeoplesChamp · 27/12/2016 11:45

OP. He is 5.

Trifleorbust · 27/12/2016 12:20

I don't expect adults to wait for children to finish talking to be honest. Children talk pretty much incessantly and not always about sensible stuff - I may be old-fashioned but I do expect them to wait if an adult needs to say something to another adult.

Your other examples aren't unreasonable. However, you should bear in mind that not all adults agree with you that, for example, a child should be free to break his own toys or choose what goes on the television. In other people's houses you will usually have to go by their standards, not the other way around.

pieceofpurplesky · 27/12/2016 12:29

OP you are setting him up for a future of entitlement ... he is 5 and being treated as a child. As a teacher the worst types of pupils to teach are those filled with the 'you must respect me' attitude as they are usually the least respectful.

WilburIsSomePig · 27/12/2016 12:51

OP you are setting him up for a future of entitlement ... he is 5 and being treated as a child. As a teacher the worst types of pupils to teach are those filled with the 'you must respect me' attitude as they are usually the least respectful.

This. In spades.

Munstermonchgirl · 27/12/2016 13:42

You seem to have back-pedalled massively OP. The examples you now give- people interrupting your ds, talking over him and switching tv channels are plain bad manners and are disrespectful i agree. Sounds like you've got bad mannered relatives.
The example you gave previously of inisisting on carrying his coat and hat when he chooses not to wear them is frankly bizarre. If you want him to make a choice, let him make it. Don't assume he'll then change his mind and then factor that into every decision.

TBH it would have made far more sense to just say in the first place that you're annoyed with having rude relatives. That's an entirely separate issue from the boundaries around allowing children to make choices

YorkiesGlasses · 27/12/2016 14:09

If my DS wants to go out on a cold day without a jacket, I think he's daft. I'll point out the likely impact. I'll say I'd prefer him to wear one, but if he insists and we are with him I'll let him go out. I'll bring jaket gloves, hat and scarf with me because I'll know he'll get cold, and regret his decision, but he has to learn from his mistakes. I most definitely will not force him into them.

What he'll learn from that is that Mummy-PA will always have everything he needs to hand so he doesn't need to think beyond the present. What about the first time he goes away on a school residential, refuses to wear a coat and ends up ill because the teacher won't be able to be his pack horse?

redexpat · 27/12/2016 14:12

All of the examples youve given in your most recent posts show ILs to be rude. I wouldnt want my dc to be treated like that.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/12/2016 14:17

I agree with PP - your new post highlights the general rudeness of your relatives. It sounds like they need to treat people with respect, not just your DS. I think in reality this has nothing to do with how to treat children specifically - it's about general courtesy.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/12/2016 14:19

(I wonder whether your DC was dominating conversation though OP? Kids are known to talk, talk, talk. Are you sure your relatives weren't just trying to get a word in edgeways and had to talk over him?)

DailyFail1 · 27/12/2016 18:45

Parenting involves teaching, guiding, supporting, and influencing your children to make the right decisions for them until they actually do. If my 5 year old doesn't want to wear a coat on a freezing day, that's fine it's their decision, but then we don't go out because AS A PARENT I won't let my child go out in the cold without a jacket as that's my decision. If the child's choice impacts others they are asked to call their friends to explain why they can't go. I only needed to enforce this rule once & child always wore a coat in the cold.

zeezeek · 27/12/2016 19:05

I'm a great believer in the "you're a child, I'm an adult, you do as I say" approach, personally. Im not negotiating with a 4 year old.

RichardBucket · 27/12/2016 19:07

But its the minor things that really annoy me. Talking over him when he's trying to express himself

Massive, massive red flag when a parent talks about their child "expressing himself".

misshelena · 27/12/2016 19:08

In a few years, this is what OP will be writing (verbatim from OP, just substituted homework for jacket):

"If my DS doesn't want to do his homework, I think he's daft. I'll point out the likely impact. I'll say I'd prefer him to do his hw, but if he insists and we are with him I'll let him skip the hw. I'll do his hw, because I'll know he'll get a bad grade, and regret his decision, but he has to learn from his mistakes. I most definitely will not force him do them."

zeezeek · 27/12/2016 19:18

Children who are described as expressing themselves are generally constantly talking bollocks and won't shut up or realise that people are trying to shut them up.

harderandharder2breathe · 27/12/2016 19:21

Some children do prattle on constantly, sorry "express themselves" Hmm and if your ds was doing this while you smiled on fondly, I'm not surprised people started talking over him

pieceofpurplesky · 27/12/2016 19:43

Your DS also needs to learn that everyone else needs to be heard. He will soon be in a class with many other children - he will drive his teacher mad if he does not know his is the only voice to be heard.

retainertrainer · 27/12/2016 20:14

I can completely relate to people talking over children. My mum does this to my son all the time but I just ignore what she's saying to me until ds's finished speaking.

KnitsBakesAndReads · 27/12/2016 20:30

Your guests sound very rude. I'd be upset if someone treated any member of my family -child or adult - so unkindly.

I'm a bit surprised that people would defend some of those actions to be honest. If you wouldn't like someone to insist you sit with them when you don't want to, or have the tv channel changed without warning when you're enjoying a programme them why would you think it's okay to do those things to someone else.

I'm also a bit confused by the idea that the way to teach children to respect others is by treating them without respect. Surely it makes more sense to model the type of behaviour you'd like a child to adopt?

KnitsBakesAndReads · 27/12/2016 20:39

Your DS also needs to learn that everyone else needs to be heard.

How does talking over a child and ignoring their conversations help them to understand how conversations work, and give others chance to talk?

I remember a relative who always used to speak over me as a child and I have such a strong memory of how awful it made me feel. I'd be excitedly telling my mum about my day at school and they'd just talk to my mum over the top of me as though I didn't exist. It used to make me feel as though I was totally unimportant and as though I wasn't good enough or interesting enough to join in conversations. Memories like that are part of the reason I want my family to be different.

RichardBucket · 27/12/2016 20:50

KnitsBakesAndReads I'm surprised that anybody would let a child tell them they can't hoover because the child doesn't feel like moving their toys.

Munstermonchgirl · 27/12/2016 20:51

I think most people have agreed though that talking over/ interrupting/forcing physical contact on a child is rude and wrong.

It's the examples the OP gave about the ds making his own choices which I found bizarre. He insists on going out on a cold day without a coat and hat. If you respect his choice, just let him bloody do it. Maybe he doesn't feel the cold. If you as the older (and supposedly wiser) human believes he's made a bad choice and will regret it, then explain this to him and make him carry (if he won't wear) his coat. To act like his servant carrying his belongings is bizarre. He's 5, not a toddler, so assuming no SEN issues he is capable of understanding an adult explanation. Save the 'discovering for himself' for things that actually matter... there's a big exciting world out there and it's great when kids can learn in a hands on way. But every little daily decision about putting on shoes, coat etc just sounds dire- really tedious and pointless, especially when you don't seem to want to follow through and give him any independence about the decisions he's made