AIBU to demand that people treat my DS with respect

[Whirlmeister]

AIBU to demand that people treat my DS (age 5) with the same respect they would treat any other human being, including things like asking his permission before using his things, allowing him to make choices for himself (even when those choices are going to cause him trouble), leaving him alone if he asks you not to touch him (even if they feel he needs a kiss or a hug), giving him privacy - all within the constraints that we don't allow him to place himself in danger, or step outside the limited rules we set down (like bed times, holding hands whilst crossing the road, coming when called etc.).

I get absolutely livid when certain people ignore his wishes, do things for him despite him wanting to do them for himself, hold him despite him asking to be put down or let go of, pick up and use his stuff without asking him, or walk into his room without at least knocking.

I feel like he's being treated without any respect, and it would be really obvious to them if he was a little older but for some reason they just can't see it with a 5 year old. My DP feels I'm overreacting...

Yeah, right. I assume he is able to show respect to others and act appropriately in any occasion, then YANBU.

Depends really. Some of it I agree with in theory but it isn't always practical. My ds could be screaming to get down in a shop but like fuck would I let him because I would end up paying for half the shop with his tendency towards picking things up and dropping them and I can tell him not to till I'm blue in the face but that is forgotten at the sight of something shiny or pretty. So I just hold onto him until we are out if I don't have the buggy.

I do knock before entering his room as I think it's important that he learns courtesy.

As for choices, no. Some, yes but it depends what they are. Are we talking revolting choice of sandwich filling or whether to go to nursery? One he gets a choice in, the other he doesn't. Even adults don't get to make all their own choices.

OP you are being fucking ridiculous

Your DP is 100% correct.

Certainly he has a right to be listened to if he is being picked up, hugged kissed when he does not want to be - I would be firm about that and would step in to help him if needed.

Letting him do things for himself even if he makes poor choices - yes to some extent - it's hard to know what you mean unless you give an example.

For instance if I saw a child trying to construct a toy in such a way that the toy would be broken, then I would offer advice and ask if they needed help, I would say to them that their actions might result in a broken toy. Because IMO a broken toy is more long term upsetting and not necessarily a consequence a 5 yr old can foresee.
Sometimes they try to force things and break them. This is the time to say 'I think it will come apart if you turn it gently rather than pull' or whatever.

Sensitivity to context is important. But your OP is like one of those mystery FB statuses 'I wish some people would stop being so interfering' it's meaningless.

You need to say what you mean ' I wish my FIL would stop trying to pick my DS up when he doesn't want to be held' 'I wish my DM would stop opening DS's toys for him' etc.

I can picture some GPs or relatives being much more overbearing and intrusive than a child is used to, usually out of a combination of love, excitement at seeing the child, and being a bit out of touch with how children are.

An example is when the child is a bit shy and hesitant seeing their GPs for the first time in a while but the GPs try to hug and kiss them and ask loads of questions then say things like " oh are you feeling shy?!" Etc and generally just want quite a lot from them too quickly.

Or GPs try to direct how a child does something or interfere in how the child usually does it, in a way which is either unwelcome or confusing to the child.

I think both examples can lead to young child behaving in a way which the GPs then get frustrated or upset about. Which would be v annoying for the parents, particularly if it's an In Law who you're not able to speak directly to...

Difficult. I agree absolutely with no hugs and kisses unless he wants, and we always knock on closed doors in this family. And generally, yes, children should be treated with courtesy and respect.

Could you give some examples of ways -your in laws-- people don't treat him with respect?

I get you op. Just had a family fall out because my 5 year old asked a relative to stop taking his photo repeatedly without asking or interacting positively with him and I backed him up. He's a child not a thing to be used as a prop for someone's hobby when it suits and to be ignored and belittled when they don't want to know.

Massive difference between mum looking through a book bag after school for letters etc or dad putting washing away in your room and extended family going through your personal stuff without asking, anyone who says there isn't is being deliberately obtuse.

The touching / hugging / kissing thing I agree with. SIL forces her children to hug and kiss goodbye to adults (friends and family) and it makes me uncomfortable as you can see they clearly dislike it. She probably thinks my own DD is rude for not doing the kiss and hug goodbye thing. I feel that this is important as it sets the tone early for personal space and consent.

Making bad decisions/ belongings / knocking on bedroom doors etc I'm not so much in agreement with. Something's you do need to take charge of. I would not allow a child to choose chocolate for breakfast, run into the road, wear shorts and no jacket when it's cold and raining etc. Yes they need to decide somethings for themselves and learn consequence but sometimes as the adult you need to take charge of the situation.

So agree with others YABU for some things and YANBU for others.

Massive difference between mum looking through a book bag after school for letters etc or dad putting washing away in your room and extended family going through your personal stuff without asking, anyone who says there isn't is being deliberately obtuse.*

Is there? Surely a child either has a sense of wanting their stuff to be private, or they don't. There is no point in projecting this on to them. I agree that taking their picture without checking with them is a bit off IF the child doesn't like it. If they're not bothered, it's not an issue.

But how can we expect children to grow into well rounded adults if we don't model good behaviour? I show my DD the courtesy I expect her to show others.

On a Friday I ask her to bring me things from her school bag, more often than not she'll say to just look in but around Christmas and mother's day she likes to hide cards in there to give us as a surprise.

I knock on the door to her room because I expect her to do the same.

I give privacy in the bathroom if she asks for it because I expect the same.

I let her choose how she has her hair (it's hers after all), what variation of uniform, what she wears on a weekend, the route we take for a walk. Lots of little things but DD feels respected and understands that when I say no to something it's for a good reason.

Like all aspects of parenting it's about finding a balance that works for your family!

And what will you do if they don't comply with your "demands" ?

I don't like the word 'demand'.

If you 'asked politely' you might get further.

Why r u having this rant

I agree with you and Dr Seuss - a person is a person no matter how small.

I respect my kids' rights to not be grabbed/kissed etc if they say so. It's one of the best lessons for my son and daughter to learn- 'no means no'.

I have never knocked on my kids doors. Eldest is 5 and still sneaks into ,y bed most nights so our whole home is all of our space really. If they asked for privacy I'd offer it though.

I think it's important for kids to feel in control of some aspects of their lives. It's all part of learning - practising making decisions within the confines of a safe home.

OP, he's 5.

Consideration, yes, even though your demands are a bit , respect however has to be earned.

A bit more info wouldn't go amiss here.

I agree on the touching and hugging thing. No one should be forced into affection they don't want.

But then again, you shouldn't be constantly deferring to a 5 year old on every single thing.

Unless you want a 14 year old who rules the roost later on.

Because the book bag has a primary purpose in being used to communicate between school/ pupil/ parent and is only big enough to hold school books, it's not a private handbag full of personal items. I'm talking 5 year olds as in op not 14 year olds.

As an adult I have different boundaries with different people and that's fine and it's how it should be for dc as well. Just because someone is related to me doesn't mean they can hug and kiss me as they please, paw through my stuff, expect standards of behaviour that they themselves can't abide by etc.

The hugging and kissing I agree with. The rest? Depends, subject to change depending on the circumstances in the moment, need more information in other words. I'm going to exercise my right to arbitrarily judge people on the Internet and say you are being unreasonable because I'm getting a very extremist pfb vibe from your post.

This reminds me of a thread I was reading a few hours ago about physical boundaries for children.

HandbagCrab, don't you think it's a bit harsh? Family member who wants to take photo of 5 year old... comes from love. Family fall out sound a bit OTT.

OP you do need to chill out. you cannot protect your child from every one of lifes imperfections and if you try he will become yet ANOTHER 'special snowflake' who is used to everything being perfect and always getting his own way - lifes not like that hun

There have been a lorra, lorra MiL threads on MN these past few days.

My DP feels I'm overreacting

I agree with your DP