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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trying hard not to cry

333 replies

BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 12:54

DD (20) has been really nasty to me for months. Everything that's wrong is totally my fault.

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

DH picked up on me feeling that way and told her that they should rearrange it another evening. She sent me the most vociferous text messages saying I "always ruin stuff for her" and she had only just unblocked me from her phone. She said she knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to block me again (which she has).

To save drip feeding, her dad and I got together really young and he was really awful (abusive) to us both. It's resolved now we're older but I think either she either blames me for sticking it out or thinks she can treat me really badly like he did. She also makes overt effort to call him loads, be super nice to him, ignore me and talk to him only. I've always been there for her, spoilt her, worked hard to give her everything (despite her dad refusing to contribute to bills, tutoring or things for her). I bought her a 2014 car when she passed her test and also paid nearly £1000 in parking fines for her.

It's all I can do to hold back tears, she's so awful and rude to me. I honestly don't know how to fix it. She didn't even buy me a card or present for Christmas despite being happy to take all the things I had for her.

I don't want to freeze her out but I don't want her to think she can treat me like that either.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Helloitsme87 · 26/12/2016 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helloitsme87 · 26/12/2016 15:28

Oh sorry. I saw he was abusive to both of you. Yup there is the problem. She can't forgive you for allowing that to happen. Does she need counselling in order to move forward from it?
You are definitely getting the brunt of her anger and I can see why. But at the same time, you can't go the rest of your life putting up with this. Both of you need to help to a counsellor and maybe discuss these resentment and careless rude attitude

Mindtrope · 26/12/2016 15:28

HolidaySpiritsReinbeerAndWhine

Wise words

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 15:30

Naice. We got together when we were 17. Now 40. Yes he's totally different.

OP posts:
Mindtrope · 26/12/2016 15:32

Quite frankly she is behaving like a spoilt little brat. You need to now pull yourself away from her. If she wants to be cold and rude and Down right spiteful

Awful words.
The OP did a huge disservice to her daughter and you are calling her a spoilt brat.

This is a consequence of parenting failure on the part of an abusive father and a weak mother

Poor kid.

robinofsherwood · 26/12/2016 15:32

But youve already said your mum is horrible to you and that your daughter sides with her against you. So let your mum deal with it, let your daughter face the consequences of her behaviour when someone who she cant treat like garbage pulls her up.

I had a friend like your DD. Zero respect for her mum because her dad spoke to & treated her mum like a cross between a slightly incompetent servant and an item of furniture. Her mum accepted it so my friend grew up thinking mum deserved it.

A combination of therapy, friends (including me) calling her on her behaviour, a serious health scare for her mum and just growing up means she has totally changed her relationship with her parents. From her mid twenties she has felt awful for how she treated her mum & theyve built an amazing relationship. She pretty much hates her dad.

Ultimately, it does her no good to use you as a punching bag or to feel you owe her everything with no thanks. For HER dont accept behaviour that would not be acceptable from anyone else. Pull back as far as you need to make the relationship equal.

Roussette · 26/12/2016 15:33

If that's the case BeingMe, how will your DD ever learn to take responsibility for her actions? So .... she knows either you or your DM will bail her out. She can park where she wants then can't she?

It's beyond disgraceful that she's earned £1,000 in parking fines and the only way you will stop this sort of couldn't care less attitude is not pay for them. What consequences are there for her? None.

Speak to your DM, tell her to ignore any letters for your DD and to ring you should there be a problem and then have a meeting with your DD and your DM and set out firmly that you will not be paying any parking fines and she needs to sort out her own fines now and in the future.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 15:36

Thanks MindTrope. I get it.

Roussette. Exactly what we have done. Any more and the car will be sold x

OP posts:
MakeItRain · 26/12/2016 15:43

The trouble is, by paying fine after fine in the face of her rudeness, she will be learning to have complete disrespect for you. You're perpetrating a cycle of emotions. Subconsciously she will be looking down on you for bailing her out despite the fact that she's so unkind to you.
I think it's very common for children of abusive parents to end up closer to the abusive parent than the other. (I'm not saying it always happens, just that It's common.) It's partly because the child, as an adult, is subconciously always trying to gain the approval of this parent, as well as learning to disrespect the parent who put up with all the crap when they were a child.

You don't deserve any of it. You just did what you thought best for your daughter. But to really gain her respect you need to stop putting up with her rudeness and paying her fines. She is just learning to treat you badly, and in doing so, she will unconsciously be thinking less and less of you for your (in her eyes) "weakness".

I would imagine she's not ready for a letter. If you want to send one just say you realise she wants to step back, that you love her and will always be there for her.

Then disengage, painful though that is. She will realise one day how much you've done for her, you just need the patience to step back and wait for that time. Flowers

december10th · 26/12/2016 15:43

why doesn't she live at home with the rest of you?

Mindtrope · 26/12/2016 15:51

Thanks MindTrope. I get it

What more do you expect.?

You failed.
Don't blame your daughter for your failings.

Naicehamshop · 26/12/2016 15:57

Glad to hear that he is totally different, op.

Now - what has he done to help and support you with this very difficult relationship largely created by him?

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 26/12/2016 15:57

I think your husband should back you up and tell her that he will also have nothing to do with her until she learns to behave herself. Perhaps if she seeks his approval he might be able to influence her.

She's clearly like her father though isn't she? Would they be of a similar age as to when the abuse started? She might grow out of it too.

PeppaIsMyHero · 26/12/2016 16:00

Poor you, OP. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and it's a tough time of year when the family dynamic is complicated.

I do notice that you seem to be giving your DD a lot of power over you. Whether or not she is nice to you appears to govern how you feel about yourself, which strikes me as a little unhealthy particularly in a parent/child relationship.

The idea of getting some counselling sounds like a good forward step forward. Becoming more sure of yourself and less dependent on her approval and input might actually result in your relationship improving.

Either way, you sound like someone with a huge amount of love, energy and thought for others. Good luck. xx

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 16:03

MindTrope. Can you please tell me where I blamed my daughter for my failings? I am taking full responsibility for them but I can't go back and change history. I asked MN for advise on how to help try and resolve.

Thanks everyone. I've got some real practical advice here and I'm going to action some of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 16:04

Thanks Peppal. I agree. It's so weird that in every other facet of my life I'm really strong and driven. When it comes to my family though I'm really sensitive.

OP posts:
YelloDraw · 26/12/2016 16:12

To be fair, you stayed in a situation where she was being abused. That is fucking shit.

Lovewineandchocs · 26/12/2016 16:15

People are on about failing as a parent-OP I can see that you were really young, perhaps thought his behaviour was normal, and thought, mistakenly or not, that it was best for a child to have 2 parents together. Hindsight is always 20/20. As pp have said, best to step back from her for a while. She has blocked you from her phone anyway. Can anyone else speak to her about why she is so resentful of you? Step back, disengage. Maybe write the letter as a sort of catharsis for yourself, keep it and send it if and when you are ready. All the best to you Flowers

Goingtobeawesome · 26/12/2016 16:15

It is terrible that you both were abused in different ways but she is an adult now and doesn't get a free pass to treat you like shit because you made a choice. If she's hurting she can get therapy.

timelytess · 26/12/2016 16:17

Dd hasn't yet realised that she's an adult.

OP, you know you are grown up. Get yourself some counselling, you need it to help you deal with this fallout from your previously-abusive relationship.

Stop, now, giving/buying dd things/bailing her out. Are you trying to buy her forgiveness because you didn't protect her? Are you trying to compensate her for whatever abuse she suffered? Stop. He was the abuser, not you.

Don't 'sell' the car you have given her. Leave it. If she loses it, its her loss. Selling it from under her would be reinforcing the powerlessness she felt as a child. You don't have that right any more. If you gave her a car, its hers, not yours.

From today, think of your dd as another adult woman, and treat her with the respect you would give any other woman. And expect the same respect from her.

There's nothing wrong in not wanting your husband to go out just with your dd on Christmas Eve. If she wants to buy him alone a meal, that's fine. Its his birthday, not the birthday of the family. Also people might reasonably want to be alone sometimes with one of their parents. She might like to buy him lunch some time during the vacation. Or not. Her choice. It has nothing to do with you. Delete any nasty text messages and forget them.

Go forward sensibly and with some emotional detachment from the situations, not the dd.

Mindtrope · 26/12/2016 16:18

When it comes to my family though I'm really sensitive.

You are not though. You allowed your DD to be abused and witness abuse.

You think that is being sensitive?

mygorgeousmilo · 26/12/2016 16:20

Write the letter. I also would never advise anyone to 'stick it out' with a an abusive bastard in the hopes that things will change - because this is what the result is. Your daughter has learned that you are weak, and to stay onside of her father. She can retaliate against you for a crappy childhood, but with him she won't dare. Even from a layperson's perspective, it seems to be following textbook patterns of a child who grew up in an abusive household

GabsAlot · 26/12/2016 16:21

u dont seem to want to answer the question does your dh back u up

when i was a rotten teen my dad backed my mum up when she wanted me out it was about respect

ScuttlbuttHarpy · 26/12/2016 16:24

Your daughter is 20 therefore an adult, she needs to be treated like an adult and not a petulant teenager, you should not be paying for the fact that your adult daughter cannot park a car appropriately.

If she was my, daughter, I would be avoiding her and not paying out for her financially until she at least shows me a bit of respect. After everything you have done for her she at least owes you that, let her father do it all. She will soon see who has really been helping her out when he refuses to. I'm sorry that this has happened to you, but you really need to put your foot down and say enough is enough. Its hard but when she matures she will see sense.

Yellowbird54321 · 26/12/2016 16:26

Mindtrope you're being pretty abusive towards the OP yourself and there's really no need for that.

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