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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trying hard not to cry

333 replies

BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 12:54

DD (20) has been really nasty to me for months. Everything that's wrong is totally my fault.

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

DH picked up on me feeling that way and told her that they should rearrange it another evening. She sent me the most vociferous text messages saying I "always ruin stuff for her" and she had only just unblocked me from her phone. She said she knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to block me again (which she has).

To save drip feeding, her dad and I got together really young and he was really awful (abusive) to us both. It's resolved now we're older but I think either she either blames me for sticking it out or thinks she can treat me really badly like he did. She also makes overt effort to call him loads, be super nice to him, ignore me and talk to him only. I've always been there for her, spoilt her, worked hard to give her everything (despite her dad refusing to contribute to bills, tutoring or things for her). I bought her a 2014 car when she passed her test and also paid nearly £1000 in parking fines for her.

It's all I can do to hold back tears, she's so awful and rude to me. I honestly don't know how to fix it. She didn't even buy me a card or present for Christmas despite being happy to take all the things I had for her.

I don't want to freeze her out but I don't want her to think she can treat me like that either.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 26/12/2016 16:31

You need to stop with all the 'after everything I've done for her' bullshit. You know what you didn't do for her? You didn't protect her from abuse. No amount of cars will make up for that.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 16:33

MindTrope. SparrowHawk. I know this.

OP posts:
OohhThatsMe · 26/12/2016 16:35

OP, what did your husband say when she didn't give you a present?

Have you asked her calmly why she got everyone a present and not you?

I daresay there are very deep reasons for her behaviour, but you really need to avoid letting her treat you like this. She's getting a kick out of ignoring you and making you feel bad. The only thing you can do is to not let that show. And yes, as everyone has said, please don't pay her fines. She's incredibly immature to get so many fines but she knows damn well that every fine punishes you and not her. She's not learning anything at all. I doubt very much that the bailiffs would appear at your mum's, but if they did then she and your daughter would have to deal with it and hopefully there would finally be repercussions for your daughter.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/12/2016 16:37

Okay, I hear you, painful isn't it !
Here's what to do, just keep on being a loving Mum, stop paying out, and stop making excuses for your daughter.
You may have to wait it out, but all good things come, to those who wait.
Don't let her see hurt reactions, tell her how happy you are that she has such a great relationship with her Father. Don't let her use this against you.
You can do this, be strong. 💐
It isn't as complicated as it seems. She's attention seeking, let her ride it out, keep smiling sweetly.

wishiknweitall · 26/12/2016 16:38

MindTrope-what an insightful and helpful reply You failed. Stop blaming your daughter for your failings -I have not seen the OP blaming her daughter for her failings at all-in fact quite the opposite she is beating herself up and taking all the blame for everything on herself. Did you enjoy giving a kick to someone who sounds depressed? When the difficulties were going on both OP and her husband were teenagers. This makes it more credible that he has matured and changed. This is a complicated situation-the daughter is not simply a brat, she has reasons to feel angry, but OP has done the best she could in the circumstances according to her understanding at the time. Fixing the blame doesn't fix the problem anyway. A more constructive approach would be for OP to find a good counsellor or CBT therapist and then try to talk to her daughter. (The letter is a good idea). Making the OP feel crapper than she already does won't improve anything. It sounds like she would be willing to work hard on improving the relationship if the daughter would be willing-she is not blaming her daughter. OP you can love someone unconditionally whilst still backing off and not allowing them to abuse you. Just because you love her it doesn't mean that its good for her to have you fix all her problems. If you stop she is likely to be very angry at first. This is going to take time.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 16:40

Oohh. I didn't ask. I assume it's because I apparently made her dad feel bad about her taking him out on Christmas Eve so he asked to rearrange.

Her text message was "I was waiting for you to ruin this for me and look it was done. Blocked again . Doesn't take very long. "

OP posts:
wishiknweitall · 26/12/2016 16:40

..and what sugarpie said.

Sparkletastic · 26/12/2016 16:45

Tell her how you feel. Ask her what she thinks you both need to do to improve your relationship. If she doesn't engage or is abusive leave her alone. Stop funding her fuck-ups either way.

Closedenv · 26/12/2016 16:47

beingmepls did me good to know I made you giggle, thanks.
I wish you luck, it wont be at all easy but keep reminnding yourself why you are trying. If only you could edit this and discard the unhelpful bits and so keeping the helpful bits with you as you step forward. for now, Chocolate Cake Brew and hugs Smile

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2016 16:51

There are some very vile people on here today, op I am so sorry you are getting abuse on here. You need to step back from her, emotionally, treat her like an adult, and let her take responsibility for her affairs. She needs to start showing you some respect, stop buying her stuff until she does. You need professional help yourself, counselling might help. I haven't seen that the op has said anything about her dad abusing her, he was abusive to op, the dd witnessed that.

OohhThatsMe · 26/12/2016 16:54

I know it sounds horrible but she is getting something from you being upset. Could you be out when she comes home? If not, try saying "Hi" then going out for a walk and then for a bath when you get home.

Don't ask to speak to her on the phone - she enjoys letting you know she won't speak to you. Don't call her or text her.

She is bullying you - perhaps try to see it like that and look online for advice on how to deal with bullies.

Pikawhoo · 26/12/2016 16:54

Could you have a direct discussion with her about why she is upset with you? I just think you might be missing something about how she is feeling. You are guessing, and she might be able to actually tell you. It may or may not be what you think it is.

Mindtrope · 26/12/2016 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2016 16:59

Mindtrope - it is pretty shitty of you to be blaming a teenager/early-20s woman for not taking the right decision at the time when she was being abused herself.

It is really, really difficult for an abused person to make the break from their abuser - many women stay with the man who is abusing them for years. The abuse saps their energy, self-respect, motivation - it robs them of the very characteristics they need, in order to be able to leave. It can, and does take years for them to be able to break away.

Would it be better for them and their children if they left sooner? Of course. But is it right to blame a victim for the decisions they made whilst being victimised? No.

You are bullying someone who was a victim of domestic abuse. That is unacceptable and shameful behaviour.

SquinkiesRule · 26/12/2016 17:02

The OP's Dd has a choice, to keep using the past as a stick to beat her mother with, or to get on with life and make a better life for herself.
By letting her use the past as a stick she isn't moving on. You can't go back and redo the past, so get on with the future. Step back and let her be an adult and make mistakes for herself and do not bail her out.

Mindtrope · 26/12/2016 17:02

No it is not shameful.
I have been abused, a victim of domestic violence and raped.
When you become a parent you have responsibilities.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 17:04

Some of the posts got me a little upset so just took five minutes out.

Pik. It's always seemingly little things. Car Insurance I got wrong, her dads dinner, etc hence why I made the assumption it's something bigger like our family's early history.

I've always been really open an honest with her about how I thought I wasn't the best mum to her when I was younger. My mum wasn't and I consciously wanted to do differently.

I tell her I would have made different decisions now and I have and will always love her. When you're that young, at uni, with baby and trying to provide and keep a roof over your head - I know I lacked more of the emotional care and mature decision making. After every phone call I tell her I love her. She hardly ever reciprocates.

I always tell her how proud I am that she's so strong willed, doesn't let people treat her badly, she's intelligent etc. I also tell her I wish I'd been more like her. She is truly amazing (just not to me!).

OP posts:
RichardBucket · 26/12/2016 17:04

You brought her up in an abusive household. I think you need to be making amends here.

Livelovebehappy · 26/12/2016 17:05

To be honest, I too settled down very young with someone, and due to his immaturity he was emotionally abusive, similar to other OPs partner in that he went out and stayed out often, and was verbally abusive if challenged. But when you are so young you do put up with crap because you're too immature yourself to deal with it properly. But as you grow and mature, you start to not put up with it, just like the OP has said. Don't beat yourself up about it OP, just take a step back from your daughter and don't get involved with her drama. If she tries to abuse you verbally or by text, then refuse to respond, and remove yourself from the situation. She just wants a reaction. The way she is may not be about what has happened in the last. There are many adult children who turn out how we don't want them to, even those raised by 'perfect' parents. Somemes we can over analyse our pasts, when in fact they have not contributed to the people we have become.

Mindtrope · 26/12/2016 17:06

richardbucket- I so agree.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 17:07

MindTrope. My daughter wasn't abused or raped. But I get your point and I'm sorry for what you have experienced 😞

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 26/12/2016 17:07

Treat her like an adult. Stop buying her cars and definitely stop paying her fines. She sounds like she has no respect for you. You don't have to accept that - just say calmly 'please don't talk to me like that'. Definitely lay off the 'everything I've done line' - we're meant to put ourself out for our children while they're children , but when they're adults we can expect to be treated politely in return. So if she's rude just pick her up on it.

Audreyhelp · 26/12/2016 17:09

Mindtrope what is done is done certainly no need for your nasty comments Op just take the useful advice here and ignore unhelpful comments. .

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2016 17:11

Mind I think she realises that, you cannot take the past back! Yes the dd is an adult and she needs to start treating her mum with respect instead of something that is at the bottom of her shoe, especially she is happy to take from her!

RichardBucket · 26/12/2016 17:12

I don't understand the "she's an adult now" comments. Does her childhood and its affects magically disappear from her mind when she hits 16 or 18?

There's clearly still resentment and hurt there and yes, I do think it's the OP's responsibility to fix it, not a 20 year old who was the most powerless one in that situation.

That's not mutually exclusive from understanding that it wasn't as simple as just leaving the 'D' abuser. Both things are true.

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