Trying hard not to cry

[BeingMePls]

DD (20) has been really nasty to me for months. Everything that's wrong is totally my fault.

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

DH picked up on me feeling that way and told her that they should rearrange it another evening. She sent me the most vociferous text messages saying I "always ruin stuff for her" and she had only just unblocked me from her phone. She said she knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to block me again (which she has).

To save drip feeding, her dad and I got together really young and he was really awful (abusive) to us both. It's resolved now we're older but I think either she either blames me for sticking it out or thinks she can treat me really badly like he did. She also makes overt effort to call him loads, be super nice to him, ignore me and talk to him only. I've always been there for her, spoilt her, worked hard to give her everything (despite her dad refusing to contribute to bills, tutoring or things for her). I bought her a 2014 car when she passed her test and also paid nearly £1000 in parking fines for her.

It's all I can do to hold back tears, she's so awful and rude to me. I honestly don't know how to fix it. She didn't even buy me a card or present for Christmas despite being happy to take all the things I had for her.

I don't want to freeze her out but I don't want her to think she can treat me like that either.

Wwyd?

Haven't read the whole thread so have no doubt missed something, but when your child came to you and asked to be driven to the doctor, did you seriously say yes and then continue eating, knowing that she was in pain and waiting for you? Or was she rude about it and didn't actually tell you what the problem was?
Anyway, happy birthday

Just read she's 23, ignore me, she was/is being a dick

She's 21 this year. I hoped this behaviour would have gone by now :(

Can you calmly call her out every time she's behaving unreasonably/like a b*tch, and leave her to her own devices the rest of the time. Obviously let her know you are there if she needs you or wants to spend time together, but don't chase it. Message /call every few weeks or so to ask how she is, but don't expect anything from it, as it sounds like you'd just be disappointed.

I sent her this but no response

"I really missed you yesterday and I will miss you tomorrow. I'm very very sad you're not with me but I hope you're well. Good luck with the studies. Love you very much."

Some people are just unpleasant.

You've apologised more than once, and meant it.

Personally I think you've grovelled enough.

I think you've become her metaphorical punch bag. Her outlet. Things go wrong? Take it out on mum. She'll tolerate it and even better - she'll end up telling me she loves me and how wonderful I am!

She's not a nice person. She's bullying you.

Did you manage to get anywhere accessing counselling? Because I think if you're going to rebuild a relationship with your daughter, you first need to really understand yourself.

Based on your own account, you are both victims of emotional abuse from your bastard of a partner. As a victim, you did not have the power to escape. As a child, she had no escape. She grew up in an environment where treating you like shit was the norm. So she will have learned how to treat you like shit. She grew up believing it was her fault that her mother was always so miserable, because she was so bad. So why bother trying to be good? She's now about the age that you were, when you were trapped in an abusive relationship with an immature bastard. You were too young, and vulnerable, and broken by the abuse to escape, without help you didn't get. She is too young, and vulnerable, and broken by the abuse to have a healthy relationship with you, without help.

So get help. First learn to understand yourself, to forgive yourself, to recognise your own worth without needing your daughter to affirm it. Be your own person. And then you'll have rather more strength to build a healthier relationship with your daughter.

Oh, and if the abusive twat will not even recognise and apologise for what he's done, then hopefully it will also give you the strength to leave the bastard.

She's bullying you. She's picking on you, singling you out and you mustn't put up with it any more.

You have been so good to her and she didn't even buy you a Christmas card or present, when she did for everyone else. She wanted to take her dad out for his birthday yet didn't even send you a text. This just isn't fair and I can see why you're in tears now.

I do think it would help you to have counselling to talk about why you're responding in the way you are. The nastier she is to you, the more you try to appease her. She doesn't answer your texts, but I bet you reply immediately when she texts you, don't you? I bet she often doesn't answer her phone to you, yet you always pick up to her even if it's inconvenient.

I think you need to stop this now. Whatever her reasons for picking on you and not her dad, when he was the one who treated you both badly, she needs to know she can't bully her. It's time to play it cool with her.

Don't give her another penny, for a start. Her parking tickets are her own. Don't give her one penny. If she asks, say, "Are you kidding? Why would I do that when you treat me so badly?"

Don't reply to any texts until a couple of days have passed, then just send a short text, eg "OK."

Don't answer the phone to her when you know she's called. If she asks why, later, say you were busy. Be vague, don't give her any details about your life.

For her own sake she needs to know she can't bully you. For your sake, you need a bit of distance from her. You also need to look at whether your marriage is healthy, too.

It wouldn't do anyone any harm if you went off on your own for weekends or short holidays. You need to put yourself first. If you have younger children who treat you well, take them with you if you like, but don't hang around to be treated badly.

Think what you'd say to her if she told you someone was like this to her. You'd tell her to keep her distance - that's what you need to do now. Believe me, I know how difficult it is.