Trying hard not to cry

[BeingMePls]

DD (20) has been really nasty to me for months. Everything that's wrong is totally my fault.

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

DH picked up on me feeling that way and told her that they should rearrange it another evening. She sent me the most vociferous text messages saying I "always ruin stuff for her" and she had only just unblocked me from her phone. She said she knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to block me again (which she has).

To save drip feeding, her dad and I got together really young and he was really awful (abusive) to us both. It's resolved now we're older but I think either she either blames me for sticking it out or thinks she can treat me really badly like he did. She also makes overt effort to call him loads, be super nice to him, ignore me and talk to him only. I've always been there for her, spoilt her, worked hard to give her everything (despite her dad refusing to contribute to bills, tutoring or things for her). I bought her a 2014 car when she passed her test and also paid nearly £1000 in parking fines for her.

It's all I can do to hold back tears, she's so awful and rude to me. I honestly don't know how to fix it. She didn't even buy me a card or present for Christmas despite being happy to take all the things I had for her.

I don't want to freeze her out but I don't want her to think she can treat me like that either.

Wwyd?

Very - I was skeptical too.

How many times has she got a parking fine to rack up £1000? No way I would pay that.

If you are concerned about bay lifts at your mums then deduct it from other money you give her.

Hmm sounds to me like your daughter is showing learned behaviour. Instead of dealing with emotional issues in her early life (and she was let down emotionally by you both in her younger years) you've tried to buy her love and respect. Now she sees you as weak and a human ATM machine. That's not totally her fault- it would have taken years to get to this point, she's only just come out of her childhood. It's going to take a lot of hard work, talking, taking your relationship apart and rebuilding from the bottom to 'fix' your issues as a family. Obviously, now she's an adult she has to learn to take responsibility herself, or the cycle will only continue (e.g becoming what her father used to be).

and he was really awful (abusive) to us both.
She has a right to be angry.

Your whole family dynamic is the problem. Stop blaming yourself. And stop acting like she is the victim and you are the perpetrator. And vis versa. This is very unhealthy and counterproductive.

youre wrong about the baliffs yes they may eventually turn up but they cannot take anything of your mothers its not her debt

and if they take the car thats her lesson to learn isnt it

What did her dad say about her not getting you a gift? Did he say anything to her about it?

For now I'd disengage. Stop helping, stop messaging, stop trying. Let her be. Don't offer any further financial help either. She is 20 years old. At that age I had a mortgage of my own, 2 jobs, and step kids. She won't ever grow up if you are always bailing her out or helping her with links and insurance quotes.

I grew up with an abusive father. I have zero contact with him. I do still have contact with my mum (they divorced when I was a child) but I DO find it hard at times and still feel upset and resentment and anger regarding my childhood. I try and remember though that my mum was a victim too. I've never treated her with disrecpect, frozen her out, or left her out of gifts etc though. Because I'm a decent human being. It sounds like your daughter needs to do some growing up, and maybe seek some counselling about how she feels about you and her dad.

Have you ever had any counselling? You may find it really helps you as a person, a partner and as a parent. I mean that in the kindest possible way.

Is there anywhere you can go to avoid her the next time she's home?
That might bring her up short. She's used to you being there, for her to blame.

OP. Read "a woman in your own right'' by Anne Dickson.

writing that down makes me see that I'm the problem-thinking that way will keep you trapped in the cycle of guilt and appeasement and will keep the problem going. You are part of a complicated family dynamic and no one person is "the problem". You sound to be thinking in a depressive way. This may be a consequence of the abuse you have experienced or may not. Please get some help for yourself. CBT may help you. It might be an idea to spend a full six months focussing on your own needs and building yourself up. Are you frequently tearful or was she just saying that? Sometimes young adults can be very intolerant of depression in their parents.

Op she doesn't want a relationship with you right now.

You need to just leave her be. Withdraw and re group. Counselling for you and work on yourself and your self esteem.

Just because she is your daughter it doesn't mean she can be horrible to you or pick you up and drop you as she sees fit. Stop allowing her behaviour.

The best way to help her right now would be allowing her to make mistakes, take the consequences, become an adult and learn how to respect/treat people.

If you keep behaving in the same way so will she. You need to stop the cycle and get some outside help.

cross posted with mummyoflittledragon and agree with what she says. Also I noticed that your partner was also 17 when you had your daughter. This makes it more credible that he could have matured out of some of the behaviours.

There are some parallels with your DD's situation and my own. I have a different perspective than some of the PPs here based on my own feelings towards my own parents. My F was abusive during my childhood, mostly towards my DM but also towards us at times. He is less abusive now we are older (seems to have mellowed somewhat with age) but I would not say the situation is resolved by a long shot. Parents are still together.

Whilst I ultimately blame my F and do not have warm feelings towards him, I am hurting more because I feel my DM didn't protect me. F has always been a horrible person so I don't rely on him emotionally in any way. DM on the other hand is wonderful in many other ways and I do love her dearly. It's therefore harder to stomach that she prioritised her relationship with my F over the emotional and physical safety of her children. Maybe your DD is angry with you because she holds you to higher standards than her father? I know it seems unfair, but perhaps it's more complex than you realise.

This is why I absolutely cannot get behind VeryBitchy's suggestion that "Perhaps she would benefit from having a sense that your love is not unconditional". If your DD is suffering in the same way as me, this will only reinforce what she already feels inside and will hurt her all the more. The only love that you can ever truly rely on to be unconditional is your mother's, surely? To not have that security is a terrible thing.

Maybe I'm projecting, I'm not sure because this is a bit close to home at the moment. But it sounds to me like you have a lot of work to do as a family and maybe some group therapy would help.

Good luck with it

stop acting like she is the victim

The daughter is a victim though! Not all children who suffered abuse as a child are meek and show obvious signs of low self esteem. Some are angry, lash out, play the same power games they saw as they grew up. The OP did not take her child away from that situation, it is not a huge suprise that her daughter is behaving in such a way- not that I'm condoning it. This is not a woman who was treated well as a girl and has no reason to be so badly behaved, it is classic learned behaviour that possibly could have been avoided. It's a very sad situation all round to be honest.

She needs some straight talking. Stop taking this garbage from her. How dare she?

*If I were your husband, I would not put up with your daughter buying a present for everyone in the family except her mother.

You feel you've worked your fingers to the bone for her. It's time to stop. She's 20 and doesn't appreciate it. You don't win any prizes for being a martyr.

Perhaps she would benefit from having a sense that your love is not unconditional, 100% non biodegradable.*

Agree with this comment from verybitchy . I think you'll have to change your behaviour first; decide some boundaries and what you will and won't put up with (counselling could help with this). I also think a much brighter light needs to be shone upon your DH and his part in maintaining this behaviour. He needs to be stand absolutely firm on your side OP, a united front and should be nipping any disrespect for you in the bud. He's clearly not doing that if your daughter treats you differently.

My daughter was really mean to me and seemed to side with my husband against me - they both seemed to be abusive and I've now split from him. My daughter is older and things are starting to get better - I've got my boundaries in place and I no longer have money to throw around. It is a sort of testing behaviour - she must in some part feel safe being nasty around you whereas she wouldn't do with her Dad. Money never buys love.
If your mother and her are very close then leave her with the consequences of the driving fines etc. Refuse to deal with bailiffs for her and see what happens - do not accept any blame for her bad behaviour. She doesn't deserve to have the car and may have it taken away to pay the fines if this continues - saving you the worry in future.

She has a right to be angry.

Mindtrope, oracle.

I think the past is the past and it's done with.
Think you just have to step back a bit and let her get on with things.
Really hurtful that she didn't get you a present though.

Lovelearning. I never once said she didn't.

OP, your DD needs boundaries and you aren't setting them. You are trying to buy her love by being almost like a doormat and it is not working.

Why are you paying off her fines? I wouldn't even pay one of my DCs fines, if they're old enough to drive and run a car, they're old enough to pay fines. Also, forget it that the bailiffs will take anything from your mother. They won't, your DD is solely the one responsible for the fines.

As for taking on paying for a scam site.... don't just don't. You are allowing your DD to treat you like shite and standing up for yourself a bit more will mean your daughter will eventually show you respect for that. Tell her you are always there for her as far as support, but that does not mean shelling out financially, after all she can't even be bothered to buy you a christmas present. Sorry to sound so harsh, I hope it can slowly be worked out together.

I see this daily with a friend of mine.

The more she runs around after her DDs the worse they treat her.

I think to get respect from your DD you have to make sure she earns yours.

That doesn't mean being unkind just pointing out she's an adult and can sort herself out.

Remember whilst you do this you had a toddler at her age! Turns out despite what you say you were clearly able and mature because you raised her and paid all bills etc.

So if she has a parking fine tell her she needs to learn to read the signs, point her to the people she can speak to to pay it off in instalments. How will she stop getting parking fines if she actually doesn't have responsibility for them?

Don't get upset about the coat thing. I don't expect it was a fake site she just wanted a reaction, you offered to help her recoup money and suddenly it wasn't an issue - that's what the no and no means. It's translation for I've been caight lying and need to be mean to stop being caught out.

When she gets a fine, gets huffy etc do the kill with kindness thing. Tell her how proud of her you are and what a mature young lady she's become and that you're sure she can sort it out.

Being stop taking the blame for everything. I think the money you spend on parking fines would be better spent on some therapy.

You are letting her get away with treating someone that she owes everything to (and I'm not talking about money here) like her punching bag and you are wrong there. You gave her life and brought her up and now she is an adult, you should not accept this treatment from anyone, least of all your daughter.

You are protecting everyone around you from the consequences of their actions and taking all the guilt on yourself.

Roussette. I don't want bailiffs going to my mums house full stop. The letters go there so if I don't pay them, my mum will.

I agree with those posters who have said that she feels resentment because of the unhappiness caused by your dysfunctional marriage when she was a child, and your dhs abusive behaviour. No doubt she feels "safer" with you than with him, and therefore you are getting the brunt of this.

What is really interesting, though, is the fact that you have ignored all the posters questioning whether your dhs behaviour has really changed... it is quite unusual (I think) for someone to completely change like this. Is he, actually, secretly enjoying the fact that he is the favoured parent?

It seems to me that your problems have started and ended with him - look at that relationship to help you understand and deal with the relationship with your daughter.

Why does she live with your mum? You are doing her no favours paying the fines for her. Let them go to her house and she can deal with the consequences.