Trying hard not to cry

[BeingMePls]

DD (20) has been really nasty to me for months. Everything that's wrong is totally my fault.

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

DH picked up on me feeling that way and told her that they should rearrange it another evening. She sent me the most vociferous text messages saying I "always ruin stuff for her" and she had only just unblocked me from her phone. She said she knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to block me again (which she has).

To save drip feeding, her dad and I got together really young and he was really awful (abusive) to us both. It's resolved now we're older but I think either she either blames me for sticking it out or thinks she can treat me really badly like he did. She also makes overt effort to call him loads, be super nice to him, ignore me and talk to him only. I've always been there for her, spoilt her, worked hard to give her everything (despite her dad refusing to contribute to bills, tutoring or things for her). I bought her a 2014 car when she passed her test and also paid nearly £1000 in parking fines for her.

It's all I can do to hold back tears, she's so awful and rude to me. I honestly don't know how to fix it. She didn't even buy me a card or present for Christmas despite being happy to take all the things I had for her.

I don't want to freeze her out but I don't want her to think she can treat me like that either.

Wwyd?

You would really benefit from counselling. Whether or not your dh is abusive I can't tell, but the whole dynamic is definitely still being played out.

You don't deserve it.

I think your love for her can be unconditional, but perhaps in the past you've tried to win her love not win her respect.

Stop being so nice to her then.
I think you have over compensated her and she is a bit spoilt ( brat) Although I have kept a roof over my daughters head I haven't given her much money at uni so she learnt to eat cheaply ( although I wasn't keen on the eating M&S bin ratched food-friends at another uni lived off it), buy clothes in charity shops( she wouldn't go in them as a teen) and walk/ cycle everywhere. It has made her a much nicer person.

Part of me knows I deserve this treatment for never having walked.

So you think you deserve to be treates like an emotional punch bag for not walking away from an abuser when you were very young?

But the actual abuser deserves nice shit like restaurant meals, Crimbo presents and daughterly adoration?

Disordered thinking.

And if your dear husband had really changed his spots, he would not put up with your daughter treating you in such a disgraceful way.

He's probably loving it. Divide and conquer.

you dont deserve to be treated like shit

she needs help though not money thrown at her-i dont know what abuse you suffered but it sounds like shes copying it

if she can afford 200 on designer stuff she doesnt need her fines paid for her either

I think you need to stop trying so hard. Counselling for her/both of you would be best, but if that can't happen you can't carry on as you are.

£1000 of parking fines sounds like she's being incredibly careless thinking you'll sort it out and it'll serve you right. Tell her you love her but you can't pay any more fines. Stop doing her favours because she always finds a way to blame you if things go wrong whether it's your fault (insurance) or not (coat). Give her modest gifts for birthday and Christmas and just be around, loving and supportive but not suggesting doing stuff all the time. And then wait - might be a few years, might never happen - for things to improve.

What you're currently doing isn't working. Being less needy and less of a doormat might improve things.

I reckon verybitchy

I bet he is getting a little high out of being the favoured parent.

OP, rather than trying to reason with her, I'd ignore the favouritism she's extending to her father. React by taking some time out for yourself the next time she's home. if she is nice to you respond. If she is horrible - ignore her. If she punishes you by openly ranking you so far beneath her father, tell her that the next time she's home from uni, you're taking a pile of books to a b&b / going to your sister's/friends.

I sent her a link to a website that stocked a designer coat she's wanted for ages. She sent one back saying "thanks a lot, it was a fake site and they've just taken £230 from my account". So I said "I'm hugely sorry, I'll transfer the money back to you, and give me the order details and I'll chase appropriately from them" - she said, and I quote "No and No" then ignored my calls and texts for weeks.

WTF? In what way was that your fault? She's not helpless - she should have been checking it out to make sure it was real. You owe her nothing.
Don't take responsibility for things which are out of your control, whether she wants to blame you or not.
She's being really bratty.

Her decision to buy the coat.

She trusted the dodgy site and now she is blaming you!

Google ''Blamers''.

I really recommend you have therapy to help you in your interactions with your daughter and husband

Is your husband really not abusive now? It is very rare for this to change. Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book describing different types of abusive men?

I agree she is probably acting out some complex things

• anger at you for keeping her in an abusive home
• annoyance at you for being (in her eyes) weak, wet, not having self respect
• anger at her father which she directs at you as you are "safe" and she doesn't trust his love
• wanting to distance herself from you in the way a teenager does, to mark herself as "not my mum, not like my mum", most teens grow out of this phase and develop a mature adult relationship with their mothers

I have similar emotions towards my own mother, therapy has helped me identify these and be objective about them, obviously she would have to be willing to have therapy and engage in it, hopefully she will want to do that someday

In the meantime I'd develop some boundaries e.g. if she is rude to you stop doing things for her, show her that treating you like shit has consequences - don't stop loving her, but do stop doing things for her and buying her stuff,

Million, I have to pay the fines because when she's not at uni she stays with my mum down the road (she has a big six bed house and only she's living there). If I didn't, bailiffs would go there.

Have some compassion and love for her and yourself. You know you weren't the ideal parents. So cut her and yourself some slack. I think a conciliatory letter would work best. An apology from you as the adult in the relationship would be my take and make you the bigger person. There seem to be many confusing and difficult feelings flying round in your family. I'd say along the lines of apologising for not being the parent she needed. That you were muddling through. That you have always loved her. You are so proud of her. You wish your relationship were different and you want to be close with her. You will always be there for her. See what happens.

Any accusations will take you from victim to perpetrator/attacker and I can't imagine it will end well. And some counselling for you would be great op. It sounds like you are missing bits of education on how to be a grown up. My parenting was poor and I've been learning all the missing bits since my dd now 8 was born - great therapist.

And stop bailing her out for fines. You're not a door mat or cash machine.

Think it's unanimous about pulling back a little a not overcompensating. I will do that but it's a Bit hard because I adore her. I will also look into counselling as some of you have recommended.

I think you don't have much choice but to wait and hope she comes around one day. I'd just try and disengage as much as possible. I think you should stop helping her out and being to accommodating to her obnoxious behaviour. I'd only help her or give advice if she asks for it. Paying her £1000 worth of parking fines is really daft.

However her suggestion to just take her Dad out was ok (maybe a bit thoughtless but ok).

Not getting you a present when she got everyone else one was a nasty thing to do.

What does your DP do about her behaviour. He sounds like he doesn't sippport you?

Have you ever properly apologised for not leaving your DP when you were younger. It is quite awful to stay with someone who abuses your own child. I understand why there might be reasons why someone would do it but I could understand your DD being extremely angry about it. Whatever your reasons it's a huge deal. A lot of children should never be able to forgive it. Obviously the fact she seems to have 'forgiven' your DP doesn't make sense but these things are often complicated.

BTW I cant imagine ever staying with someone who had abused my child however much they had changed.

Your post is very close to home for me op. None of us is perfect, should you have left him years ago? -probably, but life is not black and white. Yes, you are overcompensating out of guilt, but as awful as it was that your daughter had to witness bad behaviour by her dad, you have more than made up for it, both emotionally and physically. It's time to take a step back, you can still be there for her, know that you love her but that you won't be her punchbag anymore or her personal ATM. It will be the only way she may understand just how good you are to her. And it isn't immature or attention seeking to cry over this treatment- it's totally understandable.

Google peacekeepers and blamers.

That was the dynamic in my old relationship!!! he still blames me for leaving him of course. He never blames himself for having been verbally, physicially, financially and emotionally abusive.

Stop being the peacekeeper is all I can suggest. Every time a member of your family shows you a lack of respect, reward yourself in some way. Go out for the evening, to see a film. Go away for a weekend. Put time in to your job. Buy something you want.

Million, I have to pay the fines because when she's not at uni she stays with my mum down the road (she has a big six bed house and only she's living there). If I didn't, bailiffs would go there

You don't need to worry about them taking your DMs things. This really isn't a reason to pay her fines. They are her fines.

Beware of blamers: people who refuse to take responsibility for their mistakes; who automatically assume the fault is yours because it could never be theirs; who are innocent until proven guilty while you are guilty ‘til proven innocent. Blamers are not peacekeepers. And peace must be the intention of both people in order to build trust and good will. If you’re a person who keeps the peace (at all costs to your dignity sometimes!), you may be prone to accepting guilt that isn’t yours to process. Taking on other people's responsibility may help you avoid uncomfortable confrontations, but it isn’t truth. It isn’t justice. It isn’t symmetry.

Be conscious of your intentions. Get to know yourself. The minute you’re being blamed for something outside your control, notice how the relationship has shifted from ‘peers’ to an unequal relationship. In an effort to restore balance and peace, we might become TOO apologetic, TOO at fault, or TOO remorseful. It’s as if we’re attempting to make up for the deficit when the other person doesn’t take responsibility for themselves.

In the past six years, my changed behavior has been a pure dang joy considering the only person I thought needed changing was my X-husbaNd. I started on a mission to fix whatever ailed him and ended up fixing what ailed me. So there ya go. Studious attempts to understand psychology means the person benefiting from the effort is the person doing the work. That’s only fair, right?

milliontoonechances said exactly what I was going to. If you continue to allow yet another person treat you in thus way she can say it's your fault even though all you are trying to do is be loving and make allowances for the early years. Show gently that you deserve better and it will change things even if only that you will not continue to be badly treated for the rest of your life.
Easy to say not easy to do I know but remember if she treats others this way she will have a harder time in life than is necessary, especially with learning how to park!

She may well be acting like this with you because a) she resents the fact that you put her dad first (in her eyes) when she was young because you put up with his behaviour that was also bad for and to her and b) because she knows deep down that you love her unconditionally.

The only way to fix this is to get your husband to actively back you up and let your daughter know that her behaviour is unacceptable in a family of which she is a part.

The presents? Anybody being left out would result in all presents from that giver being returned to them with thanks but no thanks - we are a family and we behave like one.

Dinner on Christmas Eve? Husband needed to say, "Daughter, if you want some time with just us that's great, we'll do it after Christmas because this is family time and we're a family, we want to be together".

He owes you this, Being and if he values you (finally) he can do this to help put this right and correct your daughter's nasty behaviour.

You're being punished for not taking him to task when she was young so she's giving you the same treatment that he meted out to both of you. Act quickly now and in a unified manner - she doesn't get to treat the family like this, you're sorry that she was hurt but you did what you thought was right to keep the family together and you don't deserve this from an adult daughter whom you have loved and cared for all her life. If you made a mistake then you're sorry for it - but this ends, with or without her.

I'm sorry for you, OP, it's worse at this enforced-family time of year somehow.

I disagree with some of the replies you are getting. Your daughter is immature and is cutting you no slack at all. You were young when you stayed with your partner and if you had known different you would have acted differently. In any case things aren't always honky-dory after a divorce, sometimes the children are alienated from the non abusive parent by the abuser and unless there is severe provable child abuse contact continues. The received wisdom at one time was to try to keep the family together. It is grossly unfair that she is treating you badly whilst being so pally with her Dad.

All parents make errors-you don't deserve to be singled out for punishment forever. She may indeed be generally upset and angry about her early childhood and you are the soft one-so the easiest to take it out on. Your other hypothesis may also be correct and she may be identifying with the more dominant parent and perceiving you as weak. Perhaps you do have weak boundaries but you are not a weak person-you kept the show on the road through difficult times. Google Dr Joshua Coleman and read his book for parents. It isn't as simple as your daughter just being a spoilt brat but it isn't all your fault either.

I am guessing you are prone to feeling guilty and are over-compensating. Ideally mother love is unconditional but that doesn't mean having no boundaries. The person who called you immature for feeling upset has had an empathy bi-pass. This is a very upsetting situation. Do you ever feel angry or have you learned to squash your own feelings/ blame yourself for everything. Perhaps some counselling for yourself would be helpful.

I'm a bit sceptical about the story about the fake coat/website anyway.

Wouldn't be surprised if she made the whole thing up as a way to make you feel bad.

Don't fall for it.

I like the idea of a letter saying how you feel. I would also stop paying for anything bar necessities eg online shop. I certainly wouldn't pay a grand's worth of parking fines. If your DH can, perhaps he could talk to her. Maybe she's overcompensating, maybe she's just being a bitch.

I am definitely a peacekeeper. Got this innate drive to try and make sure everyone is happy at the expense of my own dignity and feelings. I grew up really poor so I keep showering friends and family with gifts. I know I'm an idiot for doing so and it doesn't change how they feel about me.

I recently had an awful (one off) argument with my own mum. Years of being treated like the black sheep just took its toll and I just snapped. Daughter was angry I'd upset my mum as they're very close and I said through tears "I'm upset too". She said "yeah but you cry all the time, nothing new about that".

Writing that down makes me see that I'm the problem. 😳.

Close - you made me giggle with your comment about "knowing how to park"! Thank you 😊😘