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Original poster

Trying hard not to cry

333 replies

BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 12:54

DD (20) has been really nasty to me for months. Everything that's wrong is totally my fault.

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

DH picked up on me feeling that way and told her that they should rearrange it another evening. She sent me the most vociferous text messages saying I "always ruin stuff for her" and she had only just unblocked me from her phone. She said she knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to block me again (which she has).

To save drip feeding, her dad and I got together really young and he was really awful (abusive) to us both. It's resolved now we're older but I think either she either blames me for sticking it out or thinks she can treat me really badly like he did. She also makes overt effort to call him loads, be super nice to him, ignore me and talk to him only. I've always been there for her, spoilt her, worked hard to give her everything (despite her dad refusing to contribute to bills, tutoring or things for her). I bought her a 2014 car when she passed her test and also paid nearly £1000 in parking fines for her.

It's all I can do to hold back tears, she's so awful and rude to me. I honestly don't know how to fix it. She didn't even buy me a card or present for Christmas despite being happy to take all the things I had for her.

I don't want to freeze her out but I don't want her to think she can treat me like that either.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Reality16 · 26/12/2016 13:25

Maybe honestly I was jealous too. I think that's spot on. As I said upthread, can you not be positive about their relationship?

The whole 'trying hard not to cry' thread title shows a lack of maturity and a desperate need for attention.

roodie · 26/12/2016 13:25

That is a statement.

I'd ask her to stop communicating in riddles by buying everybody but you a christmas present. What precisely is she trying to communicate with that ?

Namechangeemergency · 26/12/2016 13:26

He sort of stood up to her when he clocked you were upset.
That isn't the same as saying 'its not very nice to exclude your mum' right from the off is it?

Potentialpoochowner · 26/12/2016 13:28

How is she racking up so much in parking fines? Sounds like a red flag for behaviourial problems which is nothing to do with you (but you are part of the collateral damage).

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 13:29

Roodie, there is a complete lack of respect. And yes, I admit I am immature but she's really hurting me and Im finding it hard to know how best to respond. I guess I feel angry because in my mind I've worked all hours god sends to provide for her, and yet I'm the one out in the cold. I keep asking her if we can go out/do something together but it's always no and no.

Maybe I just give up.

OP posts:
roodie · 26/12/2016 13:29

Reality, that is a small part of the picture. She didn't buy her own mother a present, she blocked her, accused her of ruining everything, and then got angry when her mother got upset!

The daughter is trying to cause upset rather than say what she is angry about.

OR has she told you and you won't 'hear' it OP?

user1471545174 · 26/12/2016 13:31

You're repeating your high expectations of DH with your daughter. But you say DH only grew up after you stopped trying.

Therefore...

None of this is your doing. Leave them alone, and they'll come home, etc.

Ncbecauseitshard · 26/12/2016 13:31

Could your husband have a talk with her about it?

IrishTwin · 26/12/2016 13:32

First of all regardless of the past which you cannot change and at the time probably did the best you could, you are allowing yourself to be treated in this manner possibly due to guilt. You are overcompensating, trying to buy her affection and putting her on a bit of a pedestal. Don't play into it, ignore what you can, give yourself room to breathe and analyse the situation and don't bend over backwards to apease her. You will only be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. She is an adult now not a child. You don't have to be rude to her but pull back mentally and physically. She will soon get the message!

Rosa · 26/12/2016 13:35

However confused or whatever she is at 20 there is no excuse for her treating you like shit if she has offered no explanation. Stop pampering her and stop paying for her parking fines and anything extra. DO not accept any abuse from her either . Ok there must be 2 sides to everything but either she puts here cards on the table with examples , problems and behaves like an adult then I would stop trying to bend over backwards to get her to like you.

roodie · 26/12/2016 13:36

I would give up for now OP.

I would make a conscious effort to stop trying so hard. There is something else going on that needs to be sorted out first, before you offer to spend money or time on her.

Invest in to yourself. You sound hard-working and you don't come across as particularly immature to me. Her close relationship with her father wouldn't hurt if she also extended the same warmth to you, but she doesn't!

So, why doesn't she?

That is what you need to hear. I write her a very concise letter (as pp suggested upthread) but hone it to perfection and make it very succinct. Keep emotions out of it.

Keep it detached.

Something like

Buying everybody except your mother a present a Christmas is so odd it has to be a statement. Can you make that statement with wordS?

And then listen to the reply. She will have to justify it. What is her justification / rationale for buying everybody except her mother a present at christmas?

Try not to react with upset to her coldness. Put her in the position of EXPLAINING behaviour that is atypical.

LagunaBubbles · 26/12/2016 13:36

You and your DD both sound damaged by the effects of your DHs abuse. It all sounds a mess to me - you minimising everything because it's "all sorted" now and putting up with your DDs behaviour towards you, pretty much in the same way you put up with your DH abusing you, all of which your DD witnessed.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 13:37

Roodie - just every little thing is my fault.

I sent her a link to a website that stocked a designer coat she's wanted for ages. She sent one back saying "thanks a lot, it was a fake site and they've just taken £230 from my account". So I said "I'm hugely sorry, I'll transfer the money back to you, and give me the order details and I'll chase appropriately from them" - she said, and I quote "No and No" then ignored my calls and texts for weeks.

She also threw a hissy when I was helping her find car insurance renewal quote (impossible due to her age). I managed to find it for a really decent amount which we were both a bit Shock but turned out I'd put in her year of birth wrong. Again ignored texts and calls for weeks.

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 26/12/2016 13:38

If I were your husband, I would not put up with your daughter buying a present for everyone in the family except her mother.

You feel you've worked your fingers to the bone for her. It's time to stop. She's 20 and doesn't appreciate it. You don't win any prizes for being a martyr.

Perhaps she would benefit from having a sense that your love is not unconditional, 100% non biodegradable.

Flowers
roodie · 26/12/2016 13:38

I agree Laguna.

On some level is your ''formerly'' abusive husband playing the two of you off against each other ? Making a big play out of being caught in the middle but loving the fact that she is shining her light on him right now.

It all sounds very strange. The ''formerly' abusive partner, but ''all sorted out now''.

I escaped an abusive man and he never became more reasonable. he continues to be a very odd man.

sandgrown · 26/12/2016 13:39

Totally agree Rosa. She sounds spoilt and immature. I would back off and let her fend for herself hard as it will be. You cannot buy her affection.

lovelearning · 26/12/2016 13:39

he was really awful (abusive) to us both

OP: The effects of abuse are apparent.

It's time to seek therapy.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 13:41

Guys thank you. I really feel that you have stuck up for me and some of you are right that I'm over compensating because quite frankly a) she's my daughter and I work hard and live for her and b) I do feel guilty as we were not mature enough to have a child at 17yo when we did. You have been so kind to me the tears have started to flow 😞

For those who have pointed out that you don't blame her, neither do I. But what do I do to build bridges. The nicer I am the worse she is to me.

OP posts:
whattodowiththepoo · 26/12/2016 13:42

In what way was your husband abusive?

Misstic · 26/12/2016 13:44

OP you can't know for sure why she is behaving like that until you sit with her and get her to explain why she acts this way towards you. Theorising is not going to help. It could simply be perceived slights that she has built up in her mind as you constantly undermining her. Sometimes we are unaware that our good intentions may have been misinterpreted by others and they may hold a grudge that we simply don't know about. We only know something is bothering them because of their nasty behaviour towards us. Some people may choose to never say why they feel offended and may even say that 'you should know what you did'.

Ditsy4 · 26/12/2016 13:44

I'm afraid it is learned behaviour.
She has learnt it from him and his treatment of you.
Write the letter, keep it a week then re- read it. Portion no blame just state what you have given her and you feel incredibly sad that she treated you like this.
I think she wanted to treat dad and converse with him on her own...fair enough but timing wasn't good. She sounds like a daddy's girl. My daughter is because I never told her some of the past about her dad.
She sees a bit more now she has finished uni. Give her a few more years and she will start to see things herself. Keep out of her arrangements next time and you won't get the blame. Not giving you a present is shit.

DameDeDoubtance · 26/12/2016 13:44

This is what happens when you stay in an abusive relationship, the children are the casualties. they learn to accept abuse and to dish it out. I would talk to her face to face, just the two of you, listen to her.

So sorry you're having a crap time at Christmas Flowers

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 13:45

Whattodo- screaming, shouting, fighting, staying out all night/weekend, not paying bills (meaning I had to cover everything lots of months/years). Hasn't been that way for years though...

OP posts:
Namechangebitch · 26/12/2016 13:46

She doesn't respect you because you always give in to her.
Set boundaries, respect yourself and she might start to respect you.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 13:47

I know Dame. I wish I had MN all those years ago. Part of me knows I deserve this treatment for never having walked.

OP posts:
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