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AIBU?

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Original poster

Trying hard not to cry

333 replies

BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 12:54

DD (20) has been really nasty to me for months. Everything that's wrong is totally my fault.

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

DH picked up on me feeling that way and told her that they should rearrange it another evening. She sent me the most vociferous text messages saying I "always ruin stuff for her" and she had only just unblocked me from her phone. She said she knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to block me again (which she has).

To save drip feeding, her dad and I got together really young and he was really awful (abusive) to us both. It's resolved now we're older but I think either she either blames me for sticking it out or thinks she can treat me really badly like he did. She also makes overt effort to call him loads, be super nice to him, ignore me and talk to him only. I've always been there for her, spoilt her, worked hard to give her everything (despite her dad refusing to contribute to bills, tutoring or things for her). I bought her a 2014 car when she passed her test and also paid nearly £1000 in parking fines for her.

It's all I can do to hold back tears, she's so awful and rude to me. I honestly don't know how to fix it. She didn't even buy me a card or present for Christmas despite being happy to take all the things I had for her.

I don't want to freeze her out but I don't want her to think she can treat me like that either.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
joan12 · 01/01/2017 21:27

OP: you can search for registered, qualified professional help on the UK Council for Psychotherapy website - www.psychotherapy.org.uk
Reading the thread I'd highly recommend psychotherapy rather than counselling or CBT as the issues seem quite complex.
Very best of luck.

MattBerrysHair · 01/01/2017 21:50

Angry is good! It means you're aware you don't deserve it. I think you both need to work on sorting out your emotional needs yourselves. You don't need her approval, only your own, and she needs to work through her anger/pain like a grown-up instead of using you as an emotional punch bag. Withdraw from her a bit and let her set the frequency of contact. If she's abusive don't engage wait for her to be pleasant again and respond with warmth. Hopefully your relationship will improve, but it will be slow and not without setbacks.

MattBerrysHair · 01/01/2017 22:03

What I meant by you making contact for you instead of for her was based on this
Think it's unanimous about pulling back a little a not overcompensating. I will do that but it's a Bit hard because I adore her

I guess I feel angry because in my mind I've worked all hours god sends to provide for her, and yet I'm the one out in the cold. I keep asking her if we can go out/do something together but it's always no and no.

It reads as if your need to show her love overrides her need for space. You say in a previous post that you "live for her". Maybe that's too much pressure for her to take. What's wrong with living for you?

Original poster
BeingMePls · 02/01/2017 00:40

Thank you Joan for the recommendation. And Matt. I see how it reads, just so sad that she speaks to everyone in my family very regularly bar me,

OP posts:
UptownFlunk · 02/01/2017 07:58

OP, I think a lot of posters on this thread have been totally unkind and out of order.

The way your daughter has behaved is really rude and horrible and there is no way on earth I would be rewarding that behaviour. That would be it for me, I would stop all financial help. However, I think you need to step back and stop pandering to her and trying to get her to love you. People either love you or they don't. My guess is that - as another poster said earlier - she sees what you feel are your expressions of unconditional love as being needy and pathetic. Whether this is as a result of her childhood or whether it's just because she's a little madam is anyone's guess. Either way it needs to stop. Neediness is a really offputting quality, whether it comes from husbands, lovers, friends or family members. No-one likes to feel that someone relies on them for their happiness - it's suffocating. The saying 'treat them mean keep them keen' is an exaggeration of this feeling - ie people treat you better if they are not able to take you for granted.

You need to get your own life and really boost your self-esteem. My guess is that if you stop being so available to her and desperate for her affection she will appreciate you more.

Chickenagain · 02/01/2017 08:29

I think she treats you so badly as it is learned behaviour from early years with Your DH. After a bit more time at uni she may learn to articulate her frustrations better, rather than acting out Lin this immature way.
I would definitely advise counselling, find one you like, and go from there. This is not all your fault, you were young, with limited choices (no choice) at the time (over 20 years ago). My mum had the same & I don't blame her one bit. She took the abuse, I witnessed it. Made me hated my dad, not her.
I would stop trying to appease her - maybe she just takes after her dad& will take longer to mature? I don't know, I'm not a psychiatrist like some on here purport to be. Yes, she has the right to be angry - at her DF!

sparechange · 02/01/2017 08:43

"if you don't know your problems then I can't help you" I actually get this. It's often said to people who have no self awareness and don't realise someone is reacting to their behaviour.

Or it's bullying. Or it's desperation because she doesn't have an actual answer and these stupid vague answers are easier than admitting it is just raw anger at something she can't or won't articulate

My abusive ExH used to say things like this to me all the time. Particularly when I hadn't done anything wrong.
I'd get the silent treatment and then when I asked what was wrong, 'you don't even know? Well that says it all'

It was done to push my anxiety off the chart and make me doubt everything I had done or not done.
Sometimes it would be 'well what do you think it could be' and I would have to list things. Which would then be met with 'it's none of those but can you see how many things you do to upset me'

wannabestressfree · 02/01/2017 08:45

Beingmepls if you hadn't added in extras I would have thought you were my friend. She has had similar problems with her daughter as I have had with my son so I understand where you are coming from....
I know it's hurtful but I would take a step back. We don't know her perceived anger is from her childhood. Your personalities may just be different and she is lashing out. My youngest is like that. He almost 'sees' my inadequacies and the fact I pander to him and treats me as a dogsbody. He certainly doesn't treat his dad like that.... who he sees eow.
I have issues from my own childhood. I hate confrontation as my dad was violent and my mum had an unpleasant streak and things make me feel nervy. My eldest son was also very ill mentally and spent two years in hospital and I am guilty of trying to make things right. Thing is it doesn't always work.
I send you hugs though. I know how you feel.

Georgiegirl23 · 02/01/2017 10:13

Letter is a good idea. I'm only 23 - so many mums of young people forget that we're adults and CAN handle the truth - we don't want you slagging us off on Mumsnet. My mum and I had a strained relationship when I was at uni - having my independence made me feel like I didn't need to listen to her, I feel really bad about that now. Tell her how you feel - lots of mums don't like to show emotional in front of older kids but you should, it will help her understand.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 14/05/2017 01:12

Had a milestone birthday yesterday and she didn't even send a text. Was a no show to my birthday dinner and has told everyone she's working so won't be coming to a special family celebration for me tomorrow.

Two weeks ago she told me I needed to drive her to the health centre (she's been suffering from cystitis). I was in the middle of having dinner at the time with mum and sis after just coming back from work. I said I would but obviously was finishing eating. I obviously wasn't moving fast enough and she went "fine I'll take myself".

Her friend rang me saying my daughter had an argument with her boyfriend so I text her to see if she was alright. She replied by telling me to F off.

I want to cry as I'm so incredibly hurt but for some reason I just can't. I'm so hurt she ignored me on my birthday totally.

I've re read this thread and all the advice still rings true so not really sure why I'm posting except for perhaps a hand hold.

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 14/05/2017 01:21

Hand hold here, I'm sorry you're still going through this. Have you tried being tougher on her as in 'no I won't be driving you anywhere until you speak to me nicely - I'm not your slave' she's 23 not a young child, she needs some bloody manners! I haven't reread the thread so can't remember if she works but if she does she must manage to be pleasant there so is choosing to be a cow to you at home. You don't need to put up with it! Good luck

chastenedButStillSmiling · 14/05/2017 01:21

I remember this thread. There's REALLY good advice on here.

Perhaps go and look at it again?

All the best. x

Original poster
BeingMePls · 14/05/2017 01:24

Thanks chastened. Re read it all again. I know no one can say anything more, I'm just really really hurt.

OP posts:
MillionToOneChances · 14/05/2017 01:27

Still here for a hand hold. You know we've all said all we can. I hope she grows up a bit.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 14/05/2017 02:11

I do too. Thanks million. Had a good old cry and now I'm really angry!! Just taken myself downstairs and watching TV.

OP posts:
GinSwigmore · 14/05/2017 02:23

Happy Birthday FlowersCakeWine
I am sorry you are being treated like this. It must be hard.

GinSwigmore · 14/05/2017 02:23

Happy Birthday FlowersCakeWine
I am sorry you are being treated like this. It must be hard.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 14/05/2017 02:33

Why can't I stop crying? I feel like I haven't cried for ages.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2017 02:38

I read your thread last year. I'm sorry to see it's not got any better. Do you think you're ready to take some more of the advice? Writing a letter would be a good plan in my view. Something loving, caring and reconciling, apologising for past mistakes. She is clearly so desperately hurt and unhappy. Could you imagine being so unhappy that you'd wilfully treat your mum this way?

I hope you have fun today, happy birthday.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2017 02:42

And be honest, who are you angry at? Should some of the anger be directed at you? Because nothing will ever be resolved if you remain angry with your child. Two sides will remain entrenched and you will never reconcile. Despite her being an adult now, she is very much a child and you doing the angry parent thing really isn't what she needs... or what you need. My dd, who is 8 is able to tell me she is hurt and needs a cuddle when we argue. Your daughter hasn't yet learnt this skill and it's not her fault she didn't learn it growing up.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 14/05/2017 02:45

Mummy I took her for a night away and we shared a bed and chatted. I apologised if I was a bad mother and said I was only doing my best.

She said she remembers is me telling her I was fine when she was growing up but she could see me crying all the time. She said she thought she was to blame and maybe she should have been better behaved. Part of what I said was absolutely not, and I love her to bits and have always done so. She is my first born and that is very special. I have her a massive kiss and hug and thought we'd bonded.

Obviously not.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeingMePls · 14/05/2017 02:51

Mummy I'm angry at the situation. Ive not spoken to her in order to be angry.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2017 02:55

That's fantastic. I'm glad you did this. Tell her again. She obviously needs to hear it many times to understand it. I think she actually needs showers of love and affection. So don't be angry with her if she acts poorly again. One conversation and one night away wasn't enough. What she's doing right now is testing you. Don't fail by falling into the trap of being angry with her. Because then she will be able to say "I told you so, I know I am a bad daughter and I'm going to act like one."

You could even reach out to her when the sun comes up, tell her over text how much you love her, how proud you are of her and how you will miss her at your party.

It must have been really hard to grow up in the belief that she thought she was a bad girl and had caused you to cry. You need to tell her she's not that person again and again until she really believes it.

What would you do if she were 4/5 and acting this way? Would you scoop her up and give her a cuddle?

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2017 02:58

Just read you're angry at the situation. Anyway, I hope get where I'm coming from and can pick out the sense of the message...

Original poster
BeingMePls · 14/05/2017 03:01

Thanks mummy. I will text her now

OP posts:
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