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AIBU?

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Original poster

Trying hard not to cry

333 replies

BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 12:54

DD (20) has been really nasty to me for months. Everything that's wrong is totally my fault.

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

DH picked up on me feeling that way and told her that they should rearrange it another evening. She sent me the most vociferous text messages saying I "always ruin stuff for her" and she had only just unblocked me from her phone. She said she knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to block me again (which she has).

To save drip feeding, her dad and I got together really young and he was really awful (abusive) to us both. It's resolved now we're older but I think either she either blames me for sticking it out or thinks she can treat me really badly like he did. She also makes overt effort to call him loads, be super nice to him, ignore me and talk to him only. I've always been there for her, spoilt her, worked hard to give her everything (despite her dad refusing to contribute to bills, tutoring or things for her). I bought her a 2014 car when she passed her test and also paid nearly £1000 in parking fines for her.

It's all I can do to hold back tears, she's so awful and rude to me. I honestly don't know how to fix it. She didn't even buy me a card or present for Christmas despite being happy to take all the things I had for her.

I don't want to freeze her out but I don't want her to think she can treat me like that either.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
ThisThingCalledLife · 26/12/2016 17:47

To the 'it's your fault' 'you failed her' brigade - this poster is for you

Trying hard not to cry
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 26/12/2016 17:48

I'm going to take other advice on board, look into counselling and try and different approach with DD.

Good luck, OP. Flowers

FWIW, my father was an abusive arse (no contact for years from my mid teens).

To some extent I blamed my mother and took it out on her, because she "allowed" it, but also because I knew she loved me unconditionally no matter what I did. I pushed all her buttons because I knew it was absolutely safe to do so.

mrsmuddlepies · 26/12/2016 17:48

There was a post yesterday where a 17 year old son lost his rag. Swore at his Grandmother and was violent to his stepfather. Posters were almost universally sympathetic to him because of his young age. Young people can be foolish. You have admitted at your daughters age you did not make the best choices and fell out with your mother. There must be a reason which you aren't acknowledging at the moment why your daughter is so very angry with you. There may really be a huge elephant in the room reason but you are blaming her father and your mother. You need to listen, without judgement, to her take on your relationship.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 26/12/2016 17:49

RichardBucket's comment "STFU you ridiculous woman and grow up"^-
Was quite clearly addressed to LyingWitchInTheWardrobe NOT the OP.

Not a particularly nice comment but Richard and Lying seem to be having their own argument on here and both seem perfectly able to hold their own.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2016 17:49

Mindtrope, so you've said... so you keep on saying. Is it your sole aim to hurt the OP, the one who has acknowledged the pain caused to her daughter when she herself was just 17?

I can't imagine what sort of poster gets off on keeping on kicking somebody when they're down. Sad.

Mindtrope · 26/12/2016 17:49

ThisThingCalledLife - which would have been a good message to the OPs OH.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 26/12/2016 17:50

A propos of nothing, is it possible to block posters whose burnt offerings you don't want to see?

There's a few on this thread. Xmas Grin

Mindtrope · 26/12/2016 17:51

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe it makes no odds what age the OP became a mother- did the baby ask to be born?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2016 17:53

Indeed, Lass, although not so much an argument as much as not being able to stand the ganging up on the OP by a vocal minority who seem to be taking great pleasant in bashing the OP again and again with the same old points.

I don't know who RichardBucket is but won't engage with them again.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2016 17:54

Mindtrope, Yes of course the baby asked to be born. Anything else of value to add?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 26/12/2016 17:55

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe it makes no odds what age the OP became a mother- did the baby ask to be born?

Oh, don't be absurd.

There are women/girls in this country who became mothers at age 12-14.

Do you expect teenagers to behave with the same composure, poise and rationality as an adult in her 30/40s simply because they've given birth?

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 17:56

Mrs. I didn't blame my mother?!

OP posts:
Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 17:57

Lying. You are kick-adds. Thank you ❤

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2016 17:57

Op was young and a victim herself. You have no clue if she had a support network round her, or her mental health at that time. The only one to blame is the DD dad, the abusive parent. Op was bing abused and shod be supported, not kicked and kicked. Yes I would go to counselling, find out how to support your dd, but you do not have to be treated like dirt from her. And stop bailing her out.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2016 17:58

You need to set firm boundaries, and get professional help and advice to help you.

mygorgeousmilo · 26/12/2016 17:59

To all those saying "she was 17!" No. she says her daughter is 20 now, they got together at 17, and are now 40.... so we're together 3 years before having a child. Not that it makes much difference, but OP was the same age as her daughter is now, when she had her. So which of these 20 year olds should be held to account over their abusive actions? The OP was her daughter's age when she allowed her child to continue living in an abusive home, and she includes the daughter in this abuse. The DD is now 20 and behaving horribly, and it seems to connect to the childhood she had. Why are people saying not to blame the OP because she was young etc but DO blame her daughter because she's an adult and should know better. They are/were BOTH twenty at the time of the behaviour.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2016 18:00

I can only conclude that MindTrope is enjoying abusing the OP.

mygorgeousmilo · 26/12/2016 18:00

And yes to Aeroflot the blame does lie with the dad!

Livelovebehappy · 26/12/2016 18:02

OP, you do sound like someone who is conditioned to accept being trod on, judging by your almost apologetic responses on here to people who are also throwing abuse at you. Maybe because you are putting up with this abuse from your DD, she is continuing to put the boot in, which is what some people will do unfortunately, especially abusers. I think the reason she is behaving badly is probably more down to the fact that you have spoilt her during her teens to over compensate for the fact you feel her early childhood was less than ideal, and so she has come to expect that she can do what she wants with no real consequences. Do not bail her out by paying her parking tickets, and don't take her abuse. Be kind to yourself, and don't allow yourself to be treated like this. You don't need to cut yourself off from her, but be firm with her.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2016 18:03

I am not saying to blame the DD, we are aware they both need support and op needs help to support her dd, bit she absurdly should not be treated the way she is being treated and needs boundaries.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2016 18:04

mygorgeousmilo - from the OP at 13.41 today:

"..and I work hard and live for her and b) I do feel guilty as we were not mature enough to have a child at 17yo when we did. "

Please read the OP's posts at least.

Atenco · 26/12/2016 18:04

All this guilt-tripping is totally counterproductive

People are on about failing as a parent-OP I can see that you were really young, perhaps thought his behaviour was normal, and thought, mistakenly or not, that it was best for a child to have 2 parents together. Hindsight is always 20/20

The OP did not stay with her husband thinking this is going to fuck my dd up but it is worth it. The OP did what she thought was best at the time, as nearly all mothers do.

I personally think that feeling guilty as the parent of an adult child is very harmful to the adult child. They learn to manipulate your feelings of guilt and continue to blame all their own mistakes on you, thus avoiding that necessary part of being an adult that entails owning one's own mistakes and learning from them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2016 18:07

... and even if OP and her husband were 20, that doesn't mean that they were mature people yet. Some people are, some are not.

The point is that OP has acknowledged the damage. It doesn't mean though that she has to wear sackcloth and ashes and accept continued abuse from her daughter. As a parent, she can't, she can't stand by and let her daughter behave like this to her. It sounds as if OP's daughter hasn't matured yet - time to learn, as OP has.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 18:07

Thanks Atenco. That post was actually really helpful. Now I'm older it is hindsight that's making me re-evaluate everything. I'm not paying anything for her ( bar Christmas gifts and uni allowance).

DH and I were together at 17. DD born when I was 20.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 18:09

Lying. I was mature in that I had drive, put a roof over our heads, got a 2:1 at uni, and now have a great career. I definitely wasn't emotionally mature and felt definitely I could have done much more there 😞

OP posts:
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