Trying hard not to cry

[BeingMePls]

DD (20) has been really nasty to me for months. Everything that's wrong is totally my fault.

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

DH picked up on me feeling that way and told her that they should rearrange it another evening. She sent me the most vociferous text messages saying I "always ruin stuff for her" and she had only just unblocked me from her phone. She said she knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to block me again (which she has).

To save drip feeding, her dad and I got together really young and he was really awful (abusive) to us both. It's resolved now we're older but I think either she either blames me for sticking it out or thinks she can treat me really badly like he did. She also makes overt effort to call him loads, be super nice to him, ignore me and talk to him only. I've always been there for her, spoilt her, worked hard to give her everything (despite her dad refusing to contribute to bills, tutoring or things for her). I bought her a 2014 car when she passed her test and also paid nearly £1000 in parking fines for her.

It's all I can do to hold back tears, she's so awful and rude to me. I honestly don't know how to fix it. She didn't even buy me a card or present for Christmas despite being happy to take all the things I had for her.

I don't want to freeze her out but I don't want her to think she can treat me like that either.

Wwyd?

I assume I've missed the posts where the OP talked about what abuse her DD went though? Can anyone point it out for me?

Sociologically there are strong reasons why children side with the abusive/dominant parent, especially when the other appears passive and weak. It comes down to basic survival instincts. Also in this case she may have internalized some of his behaviours towards you/the both of you, and it's safe for her to unleash that side of herself on you because you won't stand up for yourself.

What's past is past, and you need to move on. Many abused women can't leave for several reasons, not least of which is that abusers are often at their most dangerous when the victim tries to leave. I would never blame a victim of domestic abuse for what they went through. And I find it shocking that (once again) so many members of this site relish the chance to put the boot in...

I just didn't accept shitty behaviour from him and changed my response.

Do the same thing here. You stopped accepting bullying behaviour from your husband, now stop accepting it from your adult daughter. Letting her use you as her whipping boy is not healthy for either of you.

Atenco, yes to hindsight always being 20:20. I would change so much if I could. If I could have known then that decisions I was making wouldn't turn out the way I planned, I would do it all so differently.

My mum had me when she was 22; she was mature enough but was with a lazy, inept and ineffective man. She could have thrown up her hands and followed suit but she didn't because she had a child. Her mistake was not to leave him, instead having more children with him, even then not leaving till I was 17. I was resentful for a long time but not to the extent of OP's daughter.

My experiences shaped me and continue to do that, I expect it's the same for most if not all of us in our turn.

Disclaimer - I have had a glass of wine.

Oh for fucks sack. All those blaming OP for all of her daughters revolting behaviour: erm... SHE HAS A FATHER TOO. A father who was abusive to her and her mother. Why is all your blame directed toward OP and not the abuser? FFS, I despair of women sometimes, we are our own worst enemies.

OP, back off from your daughter, stop fucking apologising for everything that isn't your fault and let her grow up. She's an adult. Clearly a disturbed adult but an adult nonetheless and you are not helping her by being such a doormat. If you want to pay for something for her pay for counselling and not parking tickets.

My point is that perhaps the problem with their relationship is not twenty years old but anger about something else altogether. Unless the poster talks openly to her daughter without judgement she won't understand and be able to work through the cause of conflict.

Apologies to mygorgeousmilo, OP was indeed 20, sorry.

Being, I think many of us would say that we could have done more. You must stop beating yourself up about it; you can't change what is done and you've been trying to make amends all along.

MindTrope do you have a habit of making your POV that you fully hold victims of abuse accountable for their actions and being abused into submission and accepting it by abusing them?
For someone who claims to be a victim of abuse you have zero empathy for what it actually feels like.

Sorry some people are being mean to you OP. Hope you get things sorted. You sound like a lovely person trying their best X

I have read through your whole post and l agree that certain posters seem to be enjoying kicking you while you are already down, without posting a single helpful or even the asked for, suggestion as to what you can do now. If you don't have any suggestions as to what the op can do now rather than opinions on what she should have done twenty plus years ago... Mindtrope, why don't you take your insults and attacks elsewhere?

I agree that it is your dh that is to blame for the past, and can't see why your dd is continually treating you badly due to his failings as a parent? Does he back you up ever? Or is she 'siding' with him, as she sees he's the stronger side to be on? What happened when she gave presents to her dad and brother and not you? What did your dh say/do?

I personally would withdraw my unconditional support, back right off, don't beg, plead or try and cajole her into treating you better, be cool, and aloof, don't bail her out of fines etc, and l would expect my dh to stand firmly beside me when l tell her that it is unacceptable to treat people this way. If he won't you know that either he is enjoying her nasty treatment of you, or he has only changed as long as you toe the line and accept the shitty treatment and l would make plans to leave him.

Tbh I don't agree with the posters who are saying to talk to your dd and exp,Ain how you feel. You will only get to make her feel very more annoyed at you because either she will need to feel responsible for making you feel crap and/or will have to deal with your emotions and she doesn't want to (see the comment about the fact there is nothing new with you crying).

I also think you need to remember you are a VICTIM of abuse, just as much as your dd has been a victim.
The fact you didn't find the strength to leave (or didn't even know you could at the time) doesn't make you the abuser in my books.
And she certainly has been affected but the abuse but it is worth remembering that the abuse was done by HER FATHER and therefore he held the BIGGEST part of responsibility in there.
At TBH this is what a lot of people keep telling posters in the relationship threads. It takes a lot of strength and courage to get out of an abusive relationship.

So my advice would be to get some counselling around the abuse. I agree with some PP that your behaviour now is still very much rooted in abuse. The way you try to keep everyone happy, this is always your fault etc...
You might find that, actually, you have learnt to live better with the abuse rather than your DH having changed that much.
Or that you have kept some of the behaviours from that time (that plus some behaviours learned in childhood too?).

I suspect that, if you change youR behaviour around your dd, she will change too (just as your DH changed).

But you do need to wonder why your dd is happy to have a close relationship with an ABUSER (even if he isn't l'or Ian t as much abusive now). And keep that into consideration too (aka is she really that close to her dad or is she acting like a victim of abuse again)

So yes, counselling will be your way out.
In the mean time, don't engage with her. Don't show her you are upset. Be there for her if she needs to. But dont overcompensate (e.g. Don't pay her fines. If the letter/bailifts arrive at your mum, then this will be an issue to sort out between her and your mum. If you don't know about it, don't get involve, you can't get blamed iyswim)

FFS, I despair of women sometimes, we are our own worst enemies.

I agree with your comment, but you don't have to be a mother or even a woman to post here. I wouldn't automatically assume that all the people enjoying the chance to cause distress to a vulnerable woman are also women.

Btw, Being, when the dcs were little, I too chose to ride it out. Plus I didn't think I could leave (financial and physical issues there)
I, too, saw his behaviour improved over time as I stopped being the one who was keeping all the plates spinning and he was forced to take some responsibility.
I, too, saw the effect of my dcs (having a child telling you it's good if their father goes away is never good).

I suspect we all have seen that sort of things, just as a lot of us can see the effects of our own behaviours (e.g. Because of depression, PND etc etc) can have on children.

The reality, and IMO the most important thing, is to do the best you can each time.
I believe that, atm, the best you can do for yourself and your dd is to get counselling. Counselling for yourself and counselling on your relationship with youR dd.
Looking back at the past and say that I should have done xx, feeling guilty, feeling you haven't been good enough or should have done xx is NEVER going to help and improve things.
The only way to improve things is to look forward and try and change (yourself because you are the Only person you can change) to make the best of YOUR reality now.

And TBH people blaming can f**k off. They aren't helping in any shape or form.

Thanks Marjorie. That's exactly what I've taken from this thread. Over the last few weeks I've disengaged/not responded when she's said she's blocked me. It has worked, i.e. She'll call and be lovely and pleasant and ask my opinion on important things to her (like when she wanted to leave uni). I just need to keep up not responding to bad behaviour or showing that she hurts my feelings.

To some of the horrid posts (trying not to say postERS), they made me cry, but was rather cathartic and helped me see things a little clearer. So thank you too. I'm not an awful person and I'm not the same 17 year old kid.

I'm so glad I came on here. There are so many genuinely lovely people in this world.

Why does your daughter stay with her grandmother? That must have an effect on the family dynamics.

Hi Lass. Mums house is massive 6 beds, more central and closer to her friends. She can come and go as she pleases without disturbing anyone.

We're more in suburbia and our house is tiny. She's always had a massive room there (my old room) as well as having a room here.

Mindrope If you have a time travel machine please do share it with us - we all would love to go back and re-write certain parts of our history!

In a parallel universe the OP would be getting blamed for dc coming from a 'broken' home/lack of relationship with dad etc...

OP, the responsibility of tackling this is BOTH yours and your dh. I don't think you should be writing her a letter just yet.
I would suggest you first discuss this openly with your dh, 50% blame lies with him.

My guess is she doesn't know how to articulate what she's feeling, and is probably scared of your reactions if she does say it out loud.
So instead, she ends up mirroring the abusive dynamic she saw between you and your dh - a subconscious attempt to bring it all out in the open?

I think you both need to sit down and have an honest conversation with her. Her dad needs to tell her that he's ashamed of how he used to treat you both, and he's sorry. You need to make it clear that you are BOTH fully responsible for the past.....but you've learnt from it.

You need to show her some tough love, no more paying for her car etc - she needs to be responsible for her own stuff. you had to do all that and more when you were her age, so let her experience what it's like to be an adult with responsibilities.

Being I've just read through this thread. I know something of what you're going through. Please heed the advice of those who suggest that you distance yourself as far as practically possible. That includes, and maybe especially, emotionally. You are your DD's mother - you will always love her, always be there for her, always be her rock, always be her sanctuary and safety net. I suspect she knows that very well.

But, like your daughter, you are worthy of the best that life can offer you. Give yourself a chance by removing yourself as much as you can from this presently really unpleasant and sad situation. Don't pay the fines, don't respond to texts which of course she should never have sent you because the more you engage on these levels, the more submerged by this horrible situation you'll feel. It's not worth it. Won't help her, won't help your DS or DH and certaily won't help you. The letter suggestion is a good one - take your time writing it though and try to keep overt emotion out of it - hard but possible.

Your DD's treatment of you is really troubling and I agree that she very probably needs professional help to unravel her feelings. But it's always, I think, indicative of someone who actually bothers about you very much. It doesn't sound as though she's disinterested in you at all.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I am abusing the OP?

How rude. You clearly no nothing about abuse.

I don't know about SDTG but I know about abuse and in my opinion you've abused the OP, Mindtrope. Please don't tirade at her anymore.

Mindtrope, genuine question, do you blame yourself for the abuse you suffered just as fervently as you blame the OP for what she went through?

Not rtft sorry but I had an abusive father and what at the time I perceived to be a weak mother. I felt closer to my dad even though I hated him at times - it was safer to side with him. I felt antipathy to my mum for many years that I really didn't understand I think I felt I didn't respect her for not leaving or standing up to him. I didn't blame her though. Like you and your dh they came through it and have a pretty good relationship now. And I have a good relationship with them both but it took a long time to get there I think it was having a life of my own and emotional distance that eventually evened things out. I still feel confused if I over think it and I'm 42. I never behaved as your daughter did - that's disgusting and appears to have no social or rational barriers but I can understand the emotion behind it if not the behaviour. Don't enable her, don't reward bad behaviour she needs to respect you and that may involve her feeling 'pushed away' to get there but I suspect she is still behaving like the confused kid and needs to develop more emotional maturity before she can put the past where you have. You have made choices in your relationship with your dh and it has evolved in a way that she doesn't see or understand.

Hi Lass. Mums house is massive 6 beds, more central and closer to her friends. She can come and go as she pleases without disturbing anyone.

We're more in suburbia and our house is tiny. She's always had a massive room there (my old room) as well as having a room here

So when did she start living with your mother?

I'm finding some of your posts a bit contradictory. You were critical of your own mother and also said you grew up really poor yet you are happy for your own daughter to live with your mother in the massive family home.

You also said initially we were not mature enough to have a child at 17yo when we did and then corrected that to say you were 20 when she was born.

wibblywobblywoo

I allowed it to happen, I was raised by a "surrendered wife", I did not allow the pattern of abuse to influnce my kids.

Hi Lass. You're right. Mum moved into house when I was 16, moved in from council home and managed to convince bank manager (in the good old days) to loan her the money to buy a completely derelict house as her brother was a builder and would do it up (not true). She's slowly done it up and of course now worth a fair bit.

I had my daughter at 19 (I'm 39) we lived at mums for a year and then moved out. I was dating DH from 17yo. Mum did all the babysitting whilst I was at work and ensured DD always had a room to call her own there.

Lass. DD only stays there when she comes to visit from uni. Some weekends and holidays. She's only in her second year.

Why is all your blame directed toward OP and not the abuser?

Abusers abuse. Abusers are worse than the shit in my shoe.

But good people are not meant to leave their children in harms way.