Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trying hard not to cry

333 replies

BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 12:54

DD (20) has been really nasty to me for months. Everything that's wrong is totally my fault.

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

DH picked up on me feeling that way and told her that they should rearrange it another evening. She sent me the most vociferous text messages saying I "always ruin stuff for her" and she had only just unblocked me from her phone. She said she knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to block me again (which she has).

To save drip feeding, her dad and I got together really young and he was really awful (abusive) to us both. It's resolved now we're older but I think either she either blames me for sticking it out or thinks she can treat me really badly like he did. She also makes overt effort to call him loads, be super nice to him, ignore me and talk to him only. I've always been there for her, spoilt her, worked hard to give her everything (despite her dad refusing to contribute to bills, tutoring or things for her). I bought her a 2014 car when she passed her test and also paid nearly £1000 in parking fines for her.

It's all I can do to hold back tears, she's so awful and rude to me. I honestly don't know how to fix it. She didn't even buy me a card or present for Christmas despite being happy to take all the things I had for her.

I don't want to freeze her out but I don't want her to think she can treat me like that either.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeingMePls · 01/01/2017 16:11

So my daughter face timed her bother at midnight and text her dad. I whatsapped her to say HNY and nothing back at all.

I did send her an email as you all suggested (thank you) and she just replied saying something along the lines of "if you don't know your problems then I can't help you".

Just had a big cry yesterday and then kind of feeling a bit angry now. I guess will just have to leave it. 😞

OP posts:
mygorgeousmilo · 01/01/2017 16:48

OP you're still not answering the burning questions about your DH. Does he acknowledge his abusive behaviour and has he addressed it in both you and your daughter's presence? Seems like you are minimising his part in all of this, to not piss him off?

Original poster
BeingMePls · 01/01/2017 17:06

Mygorgeous. No he's not acknowledged it in front of anyone. Because I was so upset I did say some horrible things to him last night - mostly about how I felt that this situation was his fault because of how he treated us before and would he be happy for her to end up with someone similar. He didn't say anything and hadn't spoken to me today.

I've asked her about why she hates me but she won't say apart from how I do stuff for her then throw it in her face. Just to explain this though, for instance when I paid off her fines she obviously got more and I lost he plot. Or when she broke her iphone and she took out a new contract for herself, leaving me to still pay monthly for nearly 18 months!

OP posts:
Katy07 · 01/01/2017 17:59

She needs some straight talking. Stop taking this garbage from her. How dare she?
The problem is that we only get one side of the story. There was a thread not that long ago where a younger daughter got slated for having a fit over a mobile phone. Everyone said how terrible the daughter was but the OP there "forgot" to mention that she (the OP) was an alcoholic and the daughter was having to cope with that as well as being effectively a carer for her mum through illness. If that had been mentioned anywhere on that thread (it only came up on later threads) the OP would have got completely different answers! So I'd not be assuming that the daughter is wholly at fault here, particularly when it sounds like the mother allowed a lot of abuse to occur to daughter in past & has a current tendency to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. (Haven't had time to read the whole thread)

Atenco · 01/01/2017 18:07

if you don't know your problems then I can't help you

I absolutely hate this kind of answer. It gives me the rage.

OP, your dd is an adult, so you have done your job, IMHO. It is hard, it is painful, but our adult children do not have to either like us or love us. And we do not have to solve their every problem either.

DailyFail1 · 01/01/2017 18:11

She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that the blame in her abusive past likes with dh and not you. If she still continues to blame you then I personally would cut off all ties. She is being abusive in retailiation to your dh's abuse - this is only going to get worse until she makes a definitive effort to stop.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 01/01/2017 18:23

Katy. No alcoholism etc. DH was prone to aggressive outbursts damaging stuff in the house especially if I had to stay later at work or wanted to see friends. A couple of times he locked us out of the house. It was this type of behaviour that made me cry. DD hasn't seen me cry in years.

OP posts:
MeetTheMartian · 01/01/2017 18:33

OP why did you try to talk to her?
Your dd has said often that she doesn't want to get into a communication with you in that way. She doesn't want to see yu cry, she doesn't want to be part of 'sorting the issue out'. Trying to force her to engage with you will only antagonise her.

Ime, talking isn't always helpful, unlike what the MN wants us to think.
Sometimes, it's easier to not say anything but insist on the behaviour that you know will give you the desired result.
In that case, you know that when you don't engage, your dd is coming back smiling and nice. So just do that.
If she has some issues with fines again, don't engage. Don't rescue her. Don't talk about it with her, your mother or even your DH. Let her get on with it and experience the consequence of not paying her fines or not taking care of her phone
If she asks for help, do it. Just what she asks for. Don't give advice unless she asks. Let her be an adult independant of you. Be there when she needs it but don't be overbearing iyswim.

And please do go and see a counsellor regarding your DH.
I know you are saying that he has changed. But you do need to understand how you got there and you need to be sure that there is no abusive behaviour left. I might be wrong but if the abusive behaviour had stopped all those years ago, then I would expect your dd not to show the behaviour associated with abuse iyswim? Which makes me wonder if there isn't still some abusive attitude from your DH that you don't recognise anymore (but your dd is picking on)

Original poster
BeingMePls · 01/01/2017 18:46

Martian. Do I only respond when she reaches out to me? Only just got a message back now from my "happy new year my darling xx" WhatsApp now saying "likewise". I know what you're advising but it's so hard when my mum or DH tell me things (e.g. Her plans) that I know nothing at all about. Do I just treat her like she doesn't exist? Won't that give her more reason to despise me?

OP posts:
NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 01/01/2017 19:00

I apologise, I haven't RTFT-what does jump out from the posts of yours is that you are enabling her shitty behaviour.
Stop spoiling her, buying cars, paying parking fines & taking out phone contracts -she is treating you like a royal cunt, stop this happening.
I have no comment on your husband, I don't think I need to really Hmm

Giselaw · 01/01/2017 19:01

"if you don't know your problems then I can't help you"

I actually get this. It's often said to people who have no self awareness and don't realise someone is reacting to their behaviour. These people tend to think others are just nasty to them for no reason and are genuinely baffled.

I've no idea if this is you, OP. If it is, you won't be able to recognise this without some professional help. But I have lived with someone like this and he really had no idea why I would get so angry reacting to his shite. I never found out if the repeated passive aggressive behaviour was intentional or he was just that far up De Nile without a paddle.

Newbrummie · 01/01/2017 19:08

BeingMePls my eldest is like this a bit. We've just got back from a restaurant of her choice, 6 year old and 14 year old ordered food, 6 & 14 years said thank you, madam didn't look up from her phone the entire meal. It's exhausting so I'm not doing it any more. I'd every intention of paying for driving lessons, buying car etc but fuck that nobody did it for me and I would have been desperately grateful

MeetTheMartian · 01/01/2017 19:14

I would keep to very same things, such as the happy new year etc..
If you know about an outing that she has done, maybe because your DH is mentioning it, tell her that you hope she enjoyed it. Don't insist.

What I am saying isn't to stop talking to her at all. But to stop doing anything that she sees as interfering. Also if you don't advise or propose help when she hasn't asked for it, then she can't have a go iyswim.

And yes it will probably feel very superficial to start with. However, I suspect that she will come back to you (as she has done in the past when you took some distance).
I also think that your relationhisp will change with getting some counselling for yourself (because when you start understanding yourself better, your behaviour changes. And as your behaviour is changing, so will hers)

frazzlebedazzle · 01/01/2017 19:15

Still

frazzlebedazzle · 01/01/2017 19:25

Oops sorry! Still reading TFT but I'm wondering, have you calmly and confidently set boundaries as she's grown up? Could it be, as others have said, that you (both!) have over compensated and not set boundaries for her behaviour toward you, or modelled how to treat/be treated? If not, she needs that now (ideally fro both of you but obviously you're only responsible for yourself.

I know it's easier said than done but you need to remain calm, confident, kind, but firm. And ignoring her or withdrawing when you don't like her behaviour will not imo help - it's part of the very behaviour she's imitating now! Just stay calm, kind, confident and firm. You need to be the grown up here. Even if you want to scream /cry under the surface! Grin

Wishing you luck op, sounds so hard Flowers

frazzlebedazzle · 01/01/2017 19:30

And yes to pp who said she needs to start feeling the natural consequences of some of her behaviour. Eg got a parking fine, she has to pay for it. Says something nasty, the recipient won't just stand and take it - etc etc

Original poster
BeingMePls · 01/01/2017 19:36

Thanks Frazzle ❤

Does anyone know how I start looking for professional help as lots of you have advised worth doing? x

OP posts:
BrickInTheWall · 01/01/2017 19:48

I would respond to her message... something like "I hope 2017 is the year we can leave the past behind us and focus on having a better relationship. Im sorry if I have ever hurt you, all I want is for you to be happy. Love, Mum"

Then I would treat her like a grown up and dont baby her.. including paying fines etc for her. If she comes to you with a problem you can sit down together and figure it out but it wont be helping that you are "fixing" things for her all the time. Perhaps she sees you as overbearing.
I mean that in a kind way OP, its obvious from your posts that you love her very much but as the adult and her mum I do feel its up to you to make the change to your relationship.

MillionToOneChances · 01/01/2017 20:21

My eldest is 14 and knows that I love her but if she overspends on her phone it's her problem (generous but fixed pocket money), if she breaks her phone it's her problem (could ask for another within usual budgetary limits next birthday or Christmas) etc. Swooping in and fixing every problem your daughter ever has is not doing any favours, and she obviously isn't even appreciating it.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 01/01/2017 20:41

Million. I had bought the phone on a 24 month contract. She broke it six months in meaning I still had to pay for the contract. I had no choice.

I'm not a complete walk over. She's had a part time job since she was 14 too, so she's been very independent(ish) for a long while too.

OP posts:
MillionToOneChances · 01/01/2017 20:44

How old was she when you took out the contract, and were you paying for it initially or was she?

MillionToOneChances · 01/01/2017 20:46

Moot point really, but going forwards her financial mistakes have to be her own.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 01/01/2017 20:56

Agree Million. She was 16/17 and I was paying for it in exchange for household chores.

OP posts:
MattBerrysHair · 01/01/2017 21:16

Hi OP,

I'm sorry if what I'm about to write upsets you, that's not my intention, but it may be hard reading.
Something that has struck me from your posts is that you come across as very needy for her approval. It looks like you contact her for your own sake rather than hers, especially when she has said she doesn't want it. If she does hold you responsible for the events of the past, your overcompensating will look pathetic to her and more reason to feel contempt towards you. Perhaps she finds it difficult to respect you because you stayed in an abusive relationship, which she may interpret as you allowing people to treat you badly rather than you trying to do your best for her. Her disrespect will be further compounded by you spoiling her despite her terrible treatment of you. You've proved repeatedly that she can be vile to you and you'll just take it.

You clearly feel guilty about the past and you're looking to her for forgiveness. You've placed her in the position of being responsible for your emotional wellbeing, which smacks of very low self-esteem. Instead you should be looking to forgive yourself.

Getting professional help to improve your self-esteem and assert your boundaries could benefit you immensely. You can't change her behaviour, only yours. Respect her boundaries, leave her to it and work on yourself. It's much easier to respect someone who values themselves than someone who is desperate for love and approval.

Everyone makes mistakes and we all have to acknowledge them in order to learn and grow. Beating ourselves up for years after has never done anyone any good.

All the best OP, I hope you can move forward from this Flowers

Original poster
BeingMePls · 01/01/2017 21:26

Matt. I do think your POV is spot on, although we are a close family so we all (normally) talk to each other most days. I honestly don't think I Want to talk to her for my sake - she's my daughter and I do like speaking to her and hearing her news.

However I do think she was totally disrespectful by taking my gifts (both for her birthday and Christmas) and still treating me like this. Today I feel quite angry. :(

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.