To not want to move to DH's home country?

[fannysatdawn]

We have 3DC, 10mo, 2 and 3. DH and I met and married in the U.K but he is originally from Egypt. The situation in Egypt was always very problematic (from 2011) and is not ideal now either for a family as a preference over England. We always agreed that if the situation improves we may consider having a house there when we retire. At the moment we go there 4 times a year for about 2 weeks to a month each time.

DH has suddenly decided he wants to move there now. He says he is having an identity crisis, feels separated from his homeland and he wants his children to feel they have Egyptian heritage.

This could not have come at a worse time for me. I have had severe PND since the birth of 3rd DC, I am in the wilderness of hormones and lack of adult company (I am a full time SAHM) and I too am having an identity crisis and DH fails to see that, just because it's not cultural or patriotic, it is the full time being a mum cliche.

My parents are very close to the DC as we live in England, they are a total saving grace for me because they offer me a lot of support where DH doesn't. DH feels that his parents do not get enough time with the DC (even though we spend about 4 -5 months a year with them.)

I am very torn because I believe in equality and treating both cultures the same and allowing them equal influence and weight in the DC's lives. But I feel I have already bent over backwards to accommodate DH's wishes. Eg we always holiday in Egypt and never go to any other country. All our free time is spent in Egypt. We are teaching the DC Arabic as well as English and I am learning Arabic. I have told DH's parents our house is an open house to them, even though they are not particularly nice to me and have made it clear they are angry DH married outside of his culture.

I asked DH if I refused whether it would be a deal breaker. He said it wouldn't end our marriage but he would feel that I would have "deprived our family of an experience essential to our health, growth and happiness." Which is basically opening things up to lay blame at my door for anything that might go wrong in the future.

What do you think?

I agree with what everyone else has said, especially cotes point about the risk of future holidays.

Fuck that.

Id also go see a lawyer and assess your options to protect dc from him trying to take them.

Op, your husband is asking you to make one of the most important decisions of your life at a time when you're incredibly vulnerable, having had severe PND and 3 children in 3 years. It's quite clear that the move would suit your husband; your children are very young and Egypt would quickly become their norm and home so this is actually only about you and your happiness. I think as women/mothers, we're not used to prioritising our own happiness but you have the right to be as happy as any other member of your family. I was on a thread recently where a move from London to York had caused significant upset and sadness to a poster, and I could completely understand how that could be so. Don't underestimate what your husband is asking of you - yes, people are allowed to change their mind but this was not part of the deal you made - you met in the UK and agreed to think about retiring if and when the situation was politically stable - an entirely different proposition.

At the moment, things are stable in my life (they haven't always been and I've made important decisions without thinking through the consequences and implications for me) and I can say categorically before any move to any other town/city/country, I'd be thinking the following:

1. Career/employment - what are the options, do I want those options, could I be financially self sufficient in the future? Will I be fulfilled in the career options available? Is there opportunity for development?

1. Friends - are there like minded people there? Carefully thinking about where those people in the city/town live and placing myself accordingly. Isolation really sucks.

1. Education and cultural life for my children - families living nearby to spend free time with because we want to - see number 2!

1. Political mindset/views of the people - whether that be UKIP/conservative village in Egypt - all that matters is how you feel about those political views and whether you can see yourself living there long term;

1. Culture/beauty/life outside the home - would it be free for you to take?

You've said very little about your husband's family and his background. I don't think anyone on this thread can give you advice about whether to go without knowing more about them; are we talking about you moving to the back of beyond to live with a conservative family who have never left Egypt v an educated, liberal family? I'm sorry to talk in such stark, brusque terms but you'll know more than me about the relevance there. Take a look at his sisters/cousins lives and think about whether you like what you see and whether you'd like to live like them. If you do, perhaps the move wouldn't be so bad. If you can't think of anything worse, there's your answer.

Keep your eyes wide open; pay for advice about the legal implications of such a move - there are law firms specializing in Hague convention cases and your rights.

Good luck.

I wouldn't go, even if it meant divorce.

You'd be mad to even consider this.

Frankly your DH is not thinking clearly if he'd consider moving you all there a risk worth taking just because he's having an identity crisis.

I am wondering if his parents are behind this, slowly chipping away at him. The fact that they think he married wrongly and your eldest would be of marrying age, really truelly frightens me. I would hide passports and get advice too.

No fucking way.

End of discussion.

I have name changed for this as very outing.
Don't move to Egypt!
My DH is 1/2 Egyptian born and raised in U.K. But I have an Egyptian mil.
You say in your post the Egyptian family are not nice to you? Major warning sign right there!
My mil is horrendous to me we are NC as I am not the type to be pushed around.
How can you spend so much time out there what does your DH do as a job? What would he do In Egypt?
Have you had to convert to Islam???
Egypt is really not a good place to bring up children my mil has been ruthless in her ambition to get her children brought up and educated In the U.K. Are they an upper class family?
None of it matters if you are English stay here keep your support networ.

I've PM'd you about my experience of doing this.

I wouldn't touch the idea with a bargepole, for all of the reasons stated above.

Also agree - don't go - there's not one thing for you that would improve there from what you've said. Put him off by saying you'll consider in 2/3 years when the children are slightly older. I also agree I think his parents are behind this chipping away at him and he's probably had pnd of his own.

No bloody way would I go.

Fuuuuuuuccckkk that.

Unanimous AIBUs are not common, but this one is and I am adding my voice to the chorus.

This would be a terrible idea. You would be totally isolated with no support network. You could well have difficulty returning to the UK with your children due to the Hague Convention.

I think too that you should seriously reconsider the visits you currently make. What if after one of them your DH decides none of you are going back to the UK? That could be very problematic and you could risk becoming trapped.

No. Just no! Never!

I hope the OP comes back to thread.

You would be mad to go.

If you go, you will never make another decision again. You won't chose the bread you eat, the schools your children go to, the time your children spend in the UK.

Your children will grow up with values alien to you. I don't know if it's worse whether you have boys or girls.

You will never bring your children back.

Stay.

Bless you Op this is an awful situation. I am married to a lovely Egyptian man and have lived in Egypt but wouldn't live there again, mainly for the sake of my own financial and legal protection. I don't want to say too much but please pm me if you ever need support or advice. I have a dd and would never let her get married and reside in Egypt. (And my dh comes from an upper class family.)

Buttered I don't think the op will be back.

Don't do it. I moved to dh's home country (in Europe) and it scarred me for life. I was totally isolated with inlaws like yours, I spent so much time crying and dc was only living half a life, because I was so low. Please don't do it, holidays are one thing, living there will be a whole different thing.

Gosh no, I would love to visit Egypt but there would be so many potential issues if you moved there and it didn't work out.....

No.

I would start storing the passports at your parents house.

No, don't do this. As far as I can see, you have bent over backwards to be fair to both cultures. Your response to your husband should be that he is depriving his children of a safe and stable upbringing by wanting to move to his home country.

And it's not fair of him to attempt to deal with his ' identity crisis ' by plunging you in one ( as I think u wl be in once you realise you are a foreigner forced to live in Egypt)

No don't do it.

My friend is stationed out there for a couple of months and I'm hoping to visit her in Feb, but she's said it's so unstable she may have to tell us not to come.

No no you should go.
The political situation is too volatile, the cultural differences are vast, you would be so vulnerable and at risk there in so many ways.

You already have problems with the MIL, they would get worse once you were trapped there and under her influence and control.. Your children would be brought up in a repressed society.

Do you speak the language?

His arguement about being seperated from his homeland and wanting his children to have an Egyptian heritage, would apply to you a thousand fold if you were rash enough to go there.

He chose to come to England and chose a European bride, he should abide by that choice now. If it were me, I'd be limiting the time I spent in Egypt,and I would find out how I could prevent the children being taken there without my agreement.