BIL cancelled 3 days before Christmas

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AIBU to be very upset/ disappointed by this?
DH and I function very differently from BIL/SIL which is fine as essentially we are all different. We try to be organised-ish and be on time etc where as BIL/SIL often cancels last minute and only ever apologises when they are 30mins late... over the years this has caused some friction but we ignore it as we are family...
This year our BIL is due their 2nd child mid Dec and we therefore offered to host Christmas as we are only 20 mins away. We have children ourselves so have all the baby things eg cot, and we will have food for their toddler. We decided to host mainly to make life easier for them and they were aware of this. The plan was made end of Nov.
This is their 2nd child so they should know the challenges of the newborn phase.
Yesterday, BIL called and 'casually' mentioned that they are not coming over for Christmas. DH who usually sweeps things under the carpet, went livid. BIL excuse being they have a newborn - but surely they knew this in the last 9 months??
I have been up past midnight 2 nights last week pre ordering food (not their fault, just the only time I had) and accomodating to their dietary needs. We now have £200 worth of food in fridge/ freezer and DH's only sibling bothers to tell us 3 days beforehand they are not coming... I am disappointed and quite pissed off. AIBU? Or should I be more understanding they have a newborn???

As pp have said I'd cook it all then plate some up and take it round to them. I think people forget after a while how hard a newborn is - rose tinted glasses. Sil might be struggling with feeding, bleeding heavily, sore stitches etc that they might not want to discuss.
Have a lovely Christmas op.

Of be annoyed as they have form for cancelling -

How could it be easier going somewhere where they have dinner all prepared for you - so now they have to shop (and pay) for their own dinner?

Has another guest annoyed them?

The way they have done it is rude, and you have every right to be upset, but there could be things there that you aren't aware of.

DD2 is 9months now, and according to Facebook and family everything was fine. But BF was horrific for the first ten weeks, I was having difficulty recovering physically and I had horrific PND and anxiety. Nobody other than DH was aware of this. I did cancel plans last minute because I kept trying to work myself up to doing them, convincing myself that 'it's a week away, I'll be better by then' and I just wasn't. They may not be coping as well as you think

I think your BiL could have offered a decent apology for inconveniencing you , even if they do have good reason. As they have form for this sort of thing, maybe start making less effort with them. No more Christmas dinner offers (at least til they've hosted you) - tell them to pop in on Boxing Day instead. Let them approach you to make plans. You'll end up a lot less resentful.

"As pp have said I'd cook it all then plate some up and take it round to them."

Why?

Surely the husband can entertain a toddler & make Christmas dinner if mum is busy with the newborn?

I might give them anything bought specifically for them if it's convenient to get it to them & it would go to waste.

They were being unreasonable to accept an invitation when they knew they'd have a tiny baby. You were being unreasonable to spend a bomb like that when they have a history of cancelling.

I think you are both BU.

Your BIL sounds a bit rude from what you describe, however if it's family gatherings I wouldn't expect people to be exactly on time either, and being within 30 mins of anticipated arrival sounds ok to me.

Yes it is kind of rude to cancel coming to someone's house 3 days in advance, but he does have a newborn.

You sound a bit overinvested - it's hardly BILs fault that you were up until midnight 2 days on the trot ordering food. I ordered mine from M&S a couple of months ago and it took me about 15 minutes to sort out. Presumably you'll still eat a lot of the food on the day and can freeze the rest.

I definitely wouldn't invite them again. Or you could invite them, then ring them up 3 days before Christmas to let them know it's off .

Just don't invite them again, much less play the 1950s wifey and cook a load of food and drop it round. Just eat it.

They probably should have said 'we'll come if we are able for a while but don't cater for us' and I can understand why you're upset at the short notice. Perhaps when they said 'yes' they were under the impression that the second baby would be easier - I was like this but had BF problems, PND and a baby who screamed 24/7 plus a 3 year old. I would have been a very unreliable guest. If FB had been around then I'd have presented very edited highlights too no doubt. I know they've got form but I think at this point you'll have to cut them some slack but it doesn't mean you can't say that you would have appreciated some notice.

While I can sympathise with them having a newborn and maybe not feeling up to it, I still think they've been bloody rude to cancel at such short notice.

I can only speak for myself when I say I've had three babies and would have kept to that arrangement when they were three weeks old...even if I totally couldn't be arsed going. I would have considered it poor form not to.

Assuming all is well and normal with mum and baby, they could manage the duration of a meal imo.

Selfish.

Maybe give them another call and say the offer is still open, how is DSIL coping, would it had good to have some free babysitting on the day so they can concentrate on the older child. I wonder if they had a row at their end which prompted the call?

Updates ! (if you care lol)

1. BIL called MIL today to tell her that they are going to SIL's parents instead on 25th - so after all this analysis, thats the real reason lol, essentially we got trumped.
   SIL has just been sale shopping so I think she isn't coping too badly.

2. DH found a soup kitchen type place so we are going to bring some of the extra food to the homeless on Christmas!

As to those who wondered about the £200- its for 6 adults & 3 kids and covers 2 meals, alcohol, crackers, and extras for the next day in case any of them want to stay over... thats just the way I shop! ;-)

* In the spirit of Christmas, I am over this now- MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone!!!*

I think you're both being unreasonable.

Brother in law and wife for having form for it, the way they've done it before, and how they treated you when you hosted previously with a newborn, and for just casually 'mentioning' it.

You for thinking they're responsible for £200 of wasted food. They're not. You had to buy food in anyways; they only represent a fraction of this. You're still eating, your MIL and possibly others are still eating; you'll just have more leftovers than you otherwise would have or can freeze some.

They have a newborn and anything could have gone wrong. Would you still be upset if they'd come down with a sick bug as a family and not been able to come? No. You would have dealt with it and handled the food as best you could. Maybe invite someone who's going to be lonely this Chistmas for dinner.

I think you are not seeing the bigger picture.

They have a tiny baby and are probably exhausted. Some people manage very well with this others don't - cut them some slack

YANBU, when you have a baby, life goes on, things still need doing, commitments still stand. It's disruptive, sure, but it's a nice disruption and one that can be shared and enjoyed with others, especially close friends and family. Sounds to me like they are using the baby as an excuse. And yes I've had newborns. Including Christmas ones.

Better than my family member last year who cancelled on Christmas morning for no reason and spent the day in bed though.

Just seen your update - I take back what I said.... if they are going elsewhere!

I wouldn't be calling them again and I wouldn't be making care packages for them.

Different perhaps if BIL and SIL don't have form for this, but they clearly do.

So whilst there may be a good reason for their cancellation, it's not down to the OP to tie herself in knots trying to sort out what could be imaginary problems.

I reckon that OP's do is quite a formal affair with fancy place settings, homemade everything, and very specific timings. BIL and SIL probably just couldn't be bothered having a big meal like that ( but should have cancelled much earlier).

Why not just eat it?

Sorry just read your update. Man that's super rude, blowing you off at the 11th hour for a better offer. Ill-mannered twats.

That's rude of them.

Surely her mum can't only just have invited them?

Aren't you glad you're not cooking for them in the kitchen, making them plates of food?

Don't make the effort for them ever again.

Even before i read your update i thought it was incredibly ride of them. We had our 2nd DC recently so all too aware of the mad whirlwind of the first few weeks...months. but its Christmas!! This was planned and arranged and this close to christmas day, its obvious most xmas hosts have ordered and paid for food, booze etc etc. Even in the first few weeks with my newborn DD and toddler, when i was literally up all night, for christmas day and spending it with family, I'd have happily visited and at least stayed for half a day. Your BIl could have easily said in advance how knackered they all are and even asked if his wife could pop upstairs for an afternoon nap with everyone mucked in with the kids for a few hours, so easy. They are beyond rude. Please give them the cold shoulder for a good few months s they hopefully realise how bloody rude they are and that you aren't any longer putting up with their selfish flakiness.

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Wow. How rude they are.

You are well rid. I wouldn't have them around for meals anymore.

I think they could have predicted that they would want to be with mil, her mother. They should have let you know earlier