BIL cancelled 3 days before Christmas

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AIBU to be very upset/ disappointed by this?
DH and I function very differently from BIL/SIL which is fine as essentially we are all different. We try to be organised-ish and be on time etc where as BIL/SIL often cancels last minute and only ever apologises when they are 30mins late... over the years this has caused some friction but we ignore it as we are family...
This year our BIL is due their 2nd child mid Dec and we therefore offered to host Christmas as we are only 20 mins away. We have children ourselves so have all the baby things eg cot, and we will have food for their toddler. We decided to host mainly to make life easier for them and they were aware of this. The plan was made end of Nov.
This is their 2nd child so they should know the challenges of the newborn phase.
Yesterday, BIL called and 'casually' mentioned that they are not coming over for Christmas. DH who usually sweeps things under the carpet, went livid. BIL excuse being they have a newborn - but surely they knew this in the last 9 months??
I have been up past midnight 2 nights last week pre ordering food (not their fault, just the only time I had) and accomodating to their dietary needs. We now have £200 worth of food in fridge/ freezer and DH's only sibling bothers to tell us 3 days beforehand they are not coming... I am disappointed and quite pissed off. AIBU? Or should I be more understanding they have a newborn???

I am presuming other child is a toddler?

What about a different approach. 'we will be sorry not to see you but completely understand'. Then put a fair amount of the food in a hamper and drop it off to them.

It's short notice but I think you have to let it go. Maybe they are really struggling with having a baby again? Maybe SIL is recovering from a difficult/traumatic birth or is feeling low and can't face it.

They didn't know what this newborn would entail until recently, or how they would feel, or how the new mum would feel, or how it all fit together with their older child too.

I think what gets my goat (or donkey perhaps, given the season) is that the BIL didn't sound that bothered. If he'd been sincerely apologetic then I doubt the OP would be p'd off at all and would accept it as the way life is with a newborn and might well offer to send a turkey sarnie round. But it's the casual attitude.

I think YABU - but understand you being pissed off. Like PP have said having a newborn and older child can be hell on a stick. I wouldn't have wanted to be out socialising and trying to BF my second DC at under a month old. At that stage I just wanted to sit on my own sofa, in whatever clean clothes I had, with my boobs out, being brought food and endless cups of tea.

There's very little IT tie for fiid thst won't freeze, either as is or cooked (e.g. Leftover turkey). I like the idea of you popping round to them with food- if they were not planning on being home they might not have much in. Yes it's a pain for you but in the circus a bit of festive understanding is required!

£200 for 1 meal for 2 adults and a child - what the fuck do they eat?

No newborns here but I still texted everyone that's coming to us before I bought all the food to check they were still ok to join us. Just in case.
People do have last minute emergencies though- illnesses and accidents.
I bet they didn't want to offend you so left it a bit late without realising.
Yanbu to be a bit miffed but I would keep it to yourselves this time.

"There's very little that can't be frozen"

Has the baby been born?
I think it's impossible to know how things will pan out_maybe his wife is suffering or feels overwhelmed,who knows.

We had plans to stay at friends tonight, they are cooking a meal ,and we were going g tobavye drinks.
However my do is very ill,so in view of this I'm going alone,won't be driving king and won't be staying . Luckily they are very good friends so understand. Ompketely.

Don't ever ask them again to anything.

Sorry op but you ate bring massively U and precious. I think putting effort into a sincere enough apology as to why his family (that includes a new born, a toddler and a tired new mum) wont be packing up and spending Christmas with you, is the last thing on BIL's mind right now.

Just take some food round to them and let them get on why it.

I can't stand people who put all their plans on other people like that.

My brother cancelled last Christmas Eve. I say 'cancelled' - I rang him re:timings and he denied all knowledge of us hosting. Very odd and cost us a fortune. You have my sympathies.

You do need to tell us when the baby was born OP.

I agree with everyone else, YABU but do understand it's frustrating that he said it so casually and didn't appreciate the effort and expense you would have gone to.

you've already mentioned that their attitude towards this sort of thing has caused friction in the past which has perhaps made you more annoyed than if this was a one off. YANBU to be pissed off that BIL just casually slipped it into conversation, he should have called especially to let you know. What if your DH hadn't seen him before Christmas Day?! Life with a newborn is tough, my second DS was born when DS1 was 17months so although the newborn was easier to deal with juggling them both on no sleep was completely exhausting. However, it only takes 30secs to send a "...really sorry, we're so exhausted with newbaby we think we'll stay home for Christmas. I hope it doesn't cause too much inconvenience and thanks for inviting us" message

Try and be the bigger people here.

Yes, they might have form for this but there is a newborn and a post-partum woman involved here.

I wouldn't offer to host at theirs. If there are any issues, it could push them over the edge trying to get sorted for you arriving and then answering 50,000 (understandable) questions about where their potato peeler is

Instead, cook the food, drop some round to them - i.e. knock and run - and enjoy the left overs.

Knock them some food off to heat up and drop it in.

I know it's annoying but you can't possibly know how you will feel in the weeks after giving birth. Spirit of Christmas and all that.

It was silly of them to make plans when they knew they were going to have a newborn.
I am due to give birth imminently and have cleared my social calendar for the next 3 weeks, we did all our family get togethers and visits in oct and November.
I'd cut them some slack if I were you, the mother might be really struggling?

I had a similar situation one Easter with my BIL but they actually cancelled the day they were due to arrive ( good Friday) and I had food in for all over Easter as they were meant to stay until the Tuesday after Easter.
The excuse was they didn't think their 18 month old would settle in a different cot even if I had put it in the same room as them.
I haven't spoken to BIL and SIL since and that was 20 years ago.
They are now divorcing but I still won't speak to them.

I would be annoyed that they decide they actually won't bother 2 days before Christmas. Do people do that to family?

Whatever the age of the baby, even if it's 1 day old why did they agree to come for all these months. Where's the common sense

I'd just ignore it tbh, and move on with my lovely Christmas. More fool them for not coming

I think you are BU. You said in your OP that they often cancel last minute and are late so why, when you know this AND they have a newborn have you bought in food so early. I'd not have done that until today/even tomorrow and even with that following on from a call to them asking if all ok and are they coming.

OMG Herhighness really? one Easter weekend and you've never spoken to them since... How very, very sad . I cannot believe you and OP are getting so wound up over things that are actually pretty trivial.

Thanks for the responses- its really helpful to hear esp when I cannot be objective!!

We are 20 mins away and we have always said come whenever, go whenever, just sit on sofa and BF etc. Very casual.

Their newborn is 3 weeks old. Maybe there is something we don't know but they are posting stuff on FB and BF well etc. I know its tough, but the reasons I am being more unreasonable than I would like are:

1. when our 2nd was 4 weeks old, and we had a toddler, we hosted Christmas at ours and they arrived empty handed. No food or drink or even asked if they could bring anything. I remember being in a total baby fog and shoving trays in the oven and bringing out food/ mulled wine for them whilst they sat on the sofa and watched tv.

2. the casual 'by the way' we are not coming to Christmas 3 days beforehand. Seemed surprised when DH was a bit pissed off.

3. I feel sorry for my MIL who is utterly disappointed the whole family won't be together. But she will have to get over it.

Anyway I feel much better and will definitely freeze food etc.

It's disappointing but no 2 newborns are alike, plus you forget how difficult it can be and it's their first of experience of an older child and a newborn.

I would tell them that the offer still remains if they decide they want to come over on the day, or you will pop over if they'd like you to visit for a short while.