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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL cancelled 3 days before Christmas

180 replies

chunky1 · 23/12/2016 13:16

AIBU to be very upset/ disappointed by this?
DH and I function very differently from BIL/SIL which is fine as essentially we are all different. We try to be organised-ish and be on time etc where as BIL/SIL often cancels last minute and only ever apologises when they are 30mins late... over the years this has caused some friction but we ignore it as we are family...
This year our BIL is due their 2nd child mid Dec and we therefore offered to host Christmas as we are only 20 mins away. We have children ourselves so have all the baby things eg cot, and we will have food for their toddler. We decided to host mainly to make life easier for them and they were aware of this. The plan was made end of Nov.
This is their 2nd child so they should know the challenges of the newborn phase.
Yesterday, BIL called and 'casually' mentioned that they are not coming over for Christmas. DH who usually sweeps things under the carpet, went livid. BIL excuse being they have a newborn - but surely they knew this in the last 9 months??
I have been up past midnight 2 nights last week pre ordering food (not their fault, just the only time I had) and accomodating to their dietary needs. We now have £200 worth of food in fridge/ freezer and DH's only sibling bothers to tell us 3 days beforehand they are not coming... I am disappointed and quite pissed off. AIBU? Or should I be more understanding they have a newborn???

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 23/12/2016 13:52

You have £200-worth of food for four adults and what - four or five small children, including a baby who won't be eating? What are you eating?

Christmas dinner doesn't involve this much palaver and expense. Just enjoy it with your husband and children and plan on eating a lot of leftovers.

ollieplimsoles · 23/12/2016 13:54

The excuse was they didn't think their 18 month old would settle in a different cot even if I had put it in the same room as them.
I haven't spoken to BIL and SIL since and that was 20 years ago.
They are now divorcing but I still won't speak to them.

Jesus Christ...

Cherrysoup · 23/12/2016 13:54

I can see why you're pissed off, but with a newborn, I wouldn't be leaving the house. I would make them up a hamper and drop it off tomorrow.

Liiinoo · 23/12/2016 13:55

No-one can know in advance how life will be after having a baby so perhaps they were silly to accept your invitation. And I know I would be disappointed if people I liked and whose company I was looking forward to cancelled at short notice so from that POV, YANBU. But I don't think the money should be an issue here. 2 adults and a toddler don't make much of a difference to a roast dinner, you just peel a few less potatoes and you will have a few extra slices of turkey left over.

I think dropping some food over to,them would be a very nice gesture.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 23/12/2016 13:56

^I had a similar situation one Easter with my BIL but they actually cancelled the day they were due to arrive ( good Friday) and I had food in for all over Easter as they were meant to stay until the Tuesday after Easter.
The excuse was they didn't think their 18 month old would settle in a different cot even if I had put it in the same room as them.
I haven't spoken to BIL and SIL since and that was 20 years ago.
They are now divorcing but I still won't speak to them.^

Mwaaaaah! Haaaaahaaaaa! Oh wait, your actually serious?! Shock Hmm

Herhighness · 23/12/2016 13:57

TwitterQueen no not trivial, I had worked very hard to prep the house and food. It was just another in a long line of last minute let downs. Some people are so annoying that life is easier without them. Also I'm a miserable cow anyway.

dingdongthewitchishere · 23/12/2016 13:57

YANBU at all

They are rude and inconsiderate. Yes, a new born is hard work, so they shouldn't have accepted the invitation in the first place. If he wasn't really apologetic, it shows what an unpleasant person he is.

The nice thing would be to drop some food at theirs, but because of his rude behaviour, I wouldn't. I would probably downgrade my baby present too. I had people cancelling on me at the very last minute, but they had valid reasons and were really apologetic, and sorry to mess up things. That's different! I never resented them for a second.

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2016 13:58

Is it just me that hates these drip feed threads, where someone asks if they are being unreasonable, nearly everyone says yes and then the op says a but there's more info to prove I'm not being sigh.

Anyways, all children are different. They may have left it till now as they wish to come but were waiting to be sure. I'd also assume they are struggling a bit and can't face it , maybe through lack of sleep or whatever. Just because you hosted with a new born and struggled doesn't mean they need to struggle too. I'm sure they aren't doing to it be mean,

EatTheCake · 23/12/2016 13:59

I do think it's out of order for this to have been arranged for months and your bil to just call and cancel like it's nothing. You don't treat family like that. imo it's rude, but I'd ignore it and crack on with my Christmas I certainly wouldn't be running them food round.

Why do people make plans so close to having a baby? I do wonder about people sometimes I really do, i blame the movies for making it look so simple baby just pops out and life goes back to normal

DancingDinosaur · 23/12/2016 14:00

I think its pretty rude tbh. The baby is 3 weeks old and they knew you were hosting. Its not like they have to do much, apart from turn up. Having said that they clearly don't want to come so I wouldn't say anything, just freeze the food. You wouldn't want guests there under duress.

OliviaBenson · 23/12/2016 14:00

Yanbu. Plans were only made at the end of November so not a huge long time ago and baby is 3 weeks old and they've only told you now?!

If they were super apologetic I could understand but they sound very thoughtless.

somewheresomehow · 23/12/2016 14:01

bloody hell how many are you catering for ?
200 quid on food for one/few days is ridiculous

diddl · 23/12/2016 14:02

Was the baby born before this was organised?

I wouldn't have been accepting the invitation if I felt unsure tbh.

20 mins is close enough to pop over at some point during the day for tea & cake rather than agreeing to a meal then cancelling.

Oysterbabe · 23/12/2016 14:03

They shouldn't have said yes in the first place so yanb totally u. But try and have some compassion and remember what it's like with a brand new baby. I wouldn't be leaving the house if I were them.

ollieplimsoles · 23/12/2016 14:03

You're still BU,

Why would you host Christmas with a new born??

bloodyteenagers · 23/12/2016 14:04

My first was a breeze. I was bouncing around a few hours later, within a week traveling across the U.K.. Second one not so great, and just going down the road was a nightmare.
Cut them some slack.

PuppyMonkey · 23/12/2016 14:05

"This is their 2nd child so they should know the challenges of the newborn phase. "

Grin
bearsnumberonefan · 23/12/2016 14:08

Well i think YANBU.
I went round to MIL's for Christmas dinner - 14hrs after giving birth. Admittedly I went and slept in the spare room for two hours and wasn't much company but I was there and quite happy to have my other dc entertained and fed.
Life doesn't stop just because you have a baby and just casually mentioning it 2 days beforehand is very shitty and inconsiderate

HermioneJeanGranger · 23/12/2016 14:11

You choosing to host Christmas with a newborn is neither here nor there. You could have chosen not to host and had a quiet Christmas at home!

I don't blame them for cancelling. I wouldn't want to be out with an excited, over-tired toddler and a 3 week old at Christmas if I didn't have to. Maybe they overestimated how easy it would be and have now realised it's not worth the hassle. Having one newborn is not the same as a newborn and a toddler!

Why did you spend so much money? It's only two extra adults and a small child - surely most of that food will be for your family? Confused

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/12/2016 14:14

OP, you said, We decided to host mainly to make life easier for them and they were aware of this.

Did your BIL actually accept the invitation on the premise that you were doing it for them or did he just assume that the three-people family that his would represent would just slot in amongst a larger family contingent?

bloodyteenagers · 23/12/2016 14:15

Yes life carries on with babies.
Yes some people will ploughing through regardless then moan about it afterwards.

Just because on fb she is saying everything is well doesn't mean it is.
How many people want to know that 3 weeks in you have a baby that never sleeps, always wants to feed, projectile vomiting even with bf and she's suddenly started flooding.. Just some of the realities for some Mums.

MerylPeril · 23/12/2016 14:16

The problem is he has done this before and probably isn't that bothered about cancelling.

It's 20 minutes away and they can come and sit on the sofa be waited on and their toddler would be entertained by different adults. It sounds better than being home and having to do it yourself.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 23/12/2016 14:18

YABU
3 weeks is a growth spurt week so it's likely that there's less sleep between feeds than a a few days ago, and there's been enough time for the sleep deprivation to mount up.

3 weeks after my CS, and I was fine to be planted on someone else's sofa for a few hours. 3 weeks after my VBAC, I still couldn't face leaving the house, and was still sitting on frozen sweetcorn and in agony. I didn't even have cabin fever- something that I usually feel quite quickly.

My first baby was due 4 days before Christmas, so making plans was pointless as all options were very likely. Our friends cooked Christmas dinner for us and dropped it round. As it happened I was newly out of hospital and could sit for short periods. If we were in hospital, they would have saved the left overs.

I appreciate that they aren't very reliable, but I'd cut them some slack on this occasion.

dingdongthewitchishere · 23/12/2016 14:20

Why would you host Christmas with a new born??

that sounds like a very kind thing to do: save the parents from doing anything, but still celebrate christmas with their toddler. Much nicer than completely ignoring your family with a 3 weeks old!

HSMMaCM · 23/12/2016 14:22

I would be annoyed, but I would also say, we've bought all the food now, would you like me to drop some round to you?