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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to want my Mum to come to stay when I have the baby

111 replies

WillowGreen · 21/12/2016 14:38

I am 5 months pregnant with my first baby. My Mum has just announced that of course when I have it she will come and stay for a long as necessary to help look after the baby. I am worried that she will totally take over ( she has a habit of doing this).
I had hoped that when the baby is born we would have time just the 3 of us to get used to it all before lots of people crowded us ( obviously it would be nice to have people for a short visit, but this is not what she has planned).
I have told her I would prefer it if she just came for a short visit but she told me that I have no idea how hard it is looking after a newborn, and obviously I will change my mind once the baby is here.
How can I tell her no without ruining Christmas.

OP posts:

CottonSock · 21/12/2016 14:39

Tell her after Christmas?

Brown76 · 21/12/2016 14:42

Tell her that you appreciate the offer, but don't want her to come and stay. However if she is right and you do change your mind once the baby is here, you will let her know. Then you are sort of agreeing with her!

Aliveinwanderland · 21/12/2016 14:43

To be honest having my mum come over every day for the first week was a godsend. She made tea for the visitors, cleaned up and held baby for an hour while I slept.

Does your DH have paternity leave? How about asking your mum to just do a short visit while he is off and then come for longer once he goes back to work?

AudreyBradshaw · 21/12/2016 15:05

I second what alive said. I've got a 3 week old asleep with a bare bum who is farting on me and my dm (who can also be a bit "bulldozer-esque" ) has been a godsend. But I've had to have frequent breaks as otherwise we'd have driven each other mad.

My dh only had 4 days off before he had to go back to work and I had an EMCS and carpal tunnel and I'm only just getting some of the feeling back in my hands so without my dm I don't know how I'd have coped.

I thought my Dh would cope wonderfully, he was absolutely fucking useless less than helpful. He's only just getting past the birth. He was genuinely traumatised for the first week and a half. He was a bouncer for 20 years, he's not afraid of blood and guts etc, he looked like he'd seen things no man should see. Haunted, is the word my dad used to describe him

I wanted to come home and just have the three of us be a little family, get used to it all etc, in reality, I needed my Mam.

Be prepared to say "no, I'm alright actually thanks" and mean it, but also don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it too. It's not something that needs to be addressed immediately surely? "Oh we'll talk about it nearer the time, Mum" etc.

Original poster

WillowGreen · 21/12/2016 15:10

We are staying with her at the moment and it is all she talks about so it is stressing me out a bit. I know she is excited because it is her first grandchild but this is too much. I am a bit worried that she won't leave. My granny went to stay with my aunt for 4 months when she had my cousin.

DP is going to take paternity leave. He has two weeks which is lovely because he always backs me up with my family ( who are lovely but try to boss me around a lot).

The thing that I mind is that she thinks I won't cope when the baby is born and she needs to be there. If she does everything for the baby I won't bond with it properly.

OP posts:

Whatthefoxgoingon · 21/12/2016 15:13

My mother was an absolute godsend. I think I'd have collapsed without her, and DH was very hands on. Keep her on side if you can.

Cornettoninja · 21/12/2016 15:16

I would deflect the conversation till after Christmas if I could.

I reckon a short visit after the baby is born and a longer one when your dh goes back to work would be perfect planning.

I get where you're coming from about the post baby bubble, and some women sail through loving every second. Others find it really, really hard.

Don't write off help just yet. A bulldozer might be exactly what you need. We had no one helping and frankly it's still bloody hard at a year and there has been so many times I would have loved someone to step in and tell me what to do. Just take that edge of pressure off or give me confidence in my own decisions. I swear even someone to butt heads with would've helped - gives you a sense of confidence to stand your ground etc.

Mol1628 · 21/12/2016 15:20

Can't she stay after your partner goes back after his 2 weeks paternity? That way you get family time just the three of you and then some help afterwards.

I was miserable with my first baby, I'd have loved my mum to stay

abigwideworld · 21/12/2016 15:21

You might very well change your mind... I remember both me and my partner being in tears with exhaustion on day 4 and my mum walking in, picking up baby and somehow instantly settling him. It was a huge relief - I went for a much needed shower and my partner had some food! It's possible you will sail through it without a problem but honestly we could have used an extra pair of hands even just to hold baby for a few minutes so we could go to the toilet/brush hair/eat a sandwich.

MonkeyBrainsInPickle · 21/12/2016 15:22

Good God no! My mum would have driven me insane if she came to live with me. Nip this in the bud now if you feel she will infuriate you.

My DP was brilliant after the birth. Took two weeks holiday straight after his parternity leave, so I had him round for a while. Could your DP do something similar?

BasicMadeira · 21/12/2016 15:22

If she is coming to put breakfast, lunch and dinner in front of you and then tidy it all away again then say yes otherwise say no. Yes it is hard when you have a tiny newborn but as an adult woman you will be able to cope. Visitors do not expect anything from new mums and should never be offered more than a cup of tea and a biscuit which you will be well able to do.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 21/12/2016 15:23

OP, I have a 'difficult' mum too, long history but I totally know where you're coming from and I don't think people realise that not everyone's mum is helpful and that they're often more of a hindrance.

When my DD was born 3 years ago my mum offered the same, and managed to get her to come for 4 days after DH's paternity leave ended. Don't know about you but my mum can wake up in the morning and be super helpful or super awkward and you spend the whole day wondering WTF you've done wrong. The 4-day visit sadly she was the latter and didn't cook or clean or anything like that, she wanted to cuddle my (breast fed) baby and sent me to do all the 'helpful' stuff.

Baby no 2 due imminently and she's talking about coming indefinitely after baby is born. I've said no, I can't risk it being another awful few days especially now I have a toddler too.

Anyway my point is, only you know your mum - if you're confident she will be helpful - and as a new mum you basically need someone, be it your DH or a family member/friend, waiting on you hand and foot for a wee while - then invite her over for a shorter time, or say book a one way ticket and you'll see how it goes. If you're unsure and you think she'll be no help, then just make it a flying visit. Let your DH finish his paternity leave first though it's no use having two of them flapping about and it is nice to have that 'family of 3' time.

Cornettoninja · 21/12/2016 15:26

she can only hog the baby if you let her. Might be bollocks but post natal hormones fires up some very strong instincts, use them to stand your ground.

As an aside I wonder how your mum coped after she had you (and any siblings). She may have really struggled and is planning to provide you with what she needed. Wouldn't be a bad idea to chat to her and explore that. I don't think it's unusual for women to project their birth/baby experiences onto others. You know what you know. Talking about it might make her a bit more aware if that's what she's doing.

I don't want to be all doom and gloom, but I honestly believe you can't prepare yourself for the reality of having 100% responsibility and physical attachment to this little person. It hits you like a truck. It's really, really lovely but it's overwhelming and depending on your circumstances it's not always completely positive.

MonkeyBrainsInPickle · 21/12/2016 15:26

My mum (and dad - who is actually just as useful) visited once or twice a week. It was a great help and I did appreciate it. But having her/them live with me would have been way too much!

In general though, I do get on better with my mum if I see her in small doses

WynterBlossom · 21/12/2016 15:27

I'm staying with my mum for 2 weeks after my baby arrives, honestly wish I could just move in!

It's lovely your mum is offering more help than you've asked for, maybe just have a chat & say you want to do it on your own but will ask her if you need her.

switswoo81 · 21/12/2016 15:28

My mum came to stay for 2 weeks after the birth. She cooked big comforting dinners, washed clothes and took baby in morning so I could sleep. She also shooed visitors who outstayed their welcome. I honestly wouldn't have coped without her. However if that is not the level of support you will receive you are better by yourself.only you can answer that.

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 21/12/2016 15:28

I'd suggest you agree with her and say, "Yes DM you may be right and I may change my mind after the baby is born. I'll let you know then but, for now, my plan is for the three of us to have some quiet time together, etc, etc"

GinIsIn · 21/12/2016 15:30

Just say that you will have DH and need a few weeks together to find your feet, then perhaps she might like to come for a SHORT stay after he goes back to work

Pollyanna9 · 21/12/2016 15:31

Why are people (are people?) so against letting a woman just nest with her new baby, and her partner, for a few days / as long as she likes, before they all come piling in?!

Yes, having someone there can be a help. It can also be actually far far more tiring and incredibly stressful - good grief, is it too much to ask for a few days on your own with your most previous new arrival? I don't think so.

All my mum did whenever she was with me was note all the things I was 'doing wrong'. BFing exclusively and not giving DS water, Christ, it was awful. I have anxiety and that along with the fact that if people are in the house other than me and DH, I just cannot relax. So when I should have taken DS and gone to bed to sleep, I was sat in the kitchen on alert with loads of people milling around. I can honestly say that I hated every single second and it made me exhausted.

HeadElf · 21/12/2016 15:32

I had this with my mum and MiL when my twins were born they both wanted to come and stay for a few months I put my foot down and said no, they aren't going to be there to hold my hand for 18 years so I'd like to be allowed to learn to parent by myself and with DH so we can be a family together, they would be welcome for Day visits and the odd night but there will be no 3rd/4th parent required.

Hellothereitsme · 21/12/2016 15:37

My mum died before I had children. I would have loved any help when they were born. Just saying. Parents get older and before we know it they are gone. Talk to your mum, tell her your concerns, she just wants to help.

Caterina99 · 21/12/2016 15:38

I cried the day my parents went home. We live abroad and they stayed for 2 weeks after DS was born. They didn't come til he was nearly 2 weeks old but DH didn't get much leave and I had a c section. I was coping ok by myself - just, but my mum took over all the cooking and cleaning. The relief of not having to worry about all that stuff and just deal with the baby was great. They also looked after him so I could shower/nap/drink a cup of tea. Yes I still had to manage alone when they left, but I was 2 weeks more recovered.

A good plan is to have your mum visit for a day or 2 when baby is first born and then come back for a longer visit (with an end date) after DH has finished paternity leave. Unless you know she won't be at all helpful.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 21/12/2016 15:39

So when I should have taken DS and gone to bed to sleep, I was sat in the kitchen on alert with loads of people milling around. I can honestly say that I hated every single second and it made me exhausted.

I also found this. Because my mum lives abroad, when she visited more people came round to see her as well as the baby. At times DD was fast asleep and I could have been too but felt the need to stay with my guests.

I must have rude or tactless people in my family as no one ever so much as offered to make me a cuppa whenever DD was born, but they asked if they could have one made for them. When my friends have babies and I visit I take food, cook it and clean up afterwards! I'll have a 5 minute cuddle which is all I need! I'm more there to see my friend and support them as a new mum

NerrSnerr · 21/12/2016 15:39

I get what you're saying OP, not everyone's mum is helpful. After ours my mum came when our baby was about 10 days old. Luckily she only stayed about 4 nights but it felt much longer. Luckily we won't have a spare bed when baby number 2 arrives so they'll have to stay in a hotel.

Chinashoes · 21/12/2016 15:41

A lot of mums (and MILs) do this, my own certainly did!

Of course they want to help but I think part of it is also about marking out their own special baby time, which can turn out to be problematic (especially with hormones thrown in). That was certainly the case for me and for some of my friends.

If your gut feeling is that you want space then I would be insistent on that from now onwards. One way to message it is to remind your mum that your DH gets two weeks paternity leave (something that wasn't the norm in her day) so you will be ok for that period, but that you will really need her once he goes back to work so could she please come and help you then. I assume your DH will be seeing her with you over Christmas so get him to back you up.

Good luck and all the best with your pregnancy

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