AIBU not to want my Mum to come to stay when I have the baby

[WillowGreen]

I am 5 months pregnant with my first baby. My Mum has just announced that of course when I have it she will come and stay for a long as necessary to help look after the baby. I am worried that she will totally take over ( she has a habit of doing this).
I had hoped that when the baby is born we would have time just the 3 of us to get used to it all before lots of people crowded us ( obviously it would be nice to have people for a short visit, but this is not what she has planned).
I have told her I would prefer it if she just came for a short visit but she told me that I have no idea how hard it is looking after a newborn, and obviously I will change my mind once the baby is here.
How can I tell her no without ruining Christmas.

[Whatsername17]

Just say that you aren't having anyone to stay until your dh goes back to work. I love my mum and she was a brilliant support but she wasn't with us the whole time. They do take over a bit too and the whole point is that you learn yourself. You ideally need them to drop in to your schedule. Wait until after Christmas then tell her that you aren't having anyone to stay for those first couple of weeks. Good luck.

[lilyborderterrier]

I wish my mum had offered to come and stay after I had my baby, it was a tough time due to a traumatic birth and trying to breastfeed. Like the others have suggested maybe tell her to come for a few days after your partner goes back to work .

[MoreThanUs]

There is no way on earth I would have had my mum to stay immediately. What would she do? There is not a lot to do what a newborn - it's sometimes hard enough for the father to get a look in (especially if baby is breastfed), let alone having to 'share' with another adult.

Just have you and your DH - it is such a special time - she can always come after his paternity leave.

I would not compromise on this.

[TorchesTorches]

Only you know if your mum will be helpful and supportive OR a drain on your resources. I didn't have anyone even visit till my DD was a week old. My parents didnt provide support, but also weren't too draining either. Having them to stay would have been pointless. One thing i noticed with DD1 is that having a lot of time alone with her meant i was completely tuned into her. I knew what she needed and when. With DS1 as we had very little alone time (my husband was out of work, so home a lot) i wasn't able to tune into him in the same way. If you have lots of visitors and advisors in those early weeks, you won't be as able to work the baby out so well and so quickly which makes life harder!

[SheepyFun]

OP, I get where you're coming from, I find being around my mum stressful. When DD was born, DH took 2 weeks paternity plus three weeks holiday, which was great. We had brief visits, but no-one stayed in that time. My mum came for a couple of days after that (my parents live several hours away) as she was desperate to. If I were you, I'd leave things over Christmas, but then make it clear that you aren't having any overnight guests during your DH's paternity leave at least. Can your DH take longer off?

[ems137]

If you don't want her there then you'll just need to put your foot down.

My husband was all the help I needed whenever I've given birth, and he's far from perfect. People visited, but only for an hour or 2 then went home. I've had an extremely "difficult" baby too and I can't imagine having my mum or anyone else to stay over and help me!

[Nquartz]

My DM came to stay Monday - Friday the week DH went back to work, I was so glad of the help. I was BF so when I was occupied she cleaned the bathroom, cooked, washed up. Generally very helpful. DH had 3 weeks off & then the extra help from DM meant I felt ready to go it alone once she left. Try to establish how long you would want her to stay on theory so if she does help she knows when you expect her to leave. You don't know how you'll feel afterwards so you don't want to say no just yet!

[CountUpTo3]

Stick to your guns Willow! I really loved having time to get to know each other as a new little family - we insisted on having first two weeks without visitors and everyone respected that. It was a magic time, normal life turned upside down, and really helped build us as confident parents.

Totally agree with other posters that it might be best to deflect from any discussion about it over Christmas - just be really vague, there's plenty of time to make arrangements closer to the due date. Good luck!

[DinosaursRoar]

If you have a mum you get on well with, who treats you like an adult, who respects boundaries, and understands "help" when the baby arrives means "unpaid housekeeper, not unpaid nanny", then it would be great to have her to stay. But from what you've said, then it doesn't seem that way.

It's your first dc and your DH will have 2 weeks off work, so assuming you've not accidentally married an overgrown man-child, then he can manage the cooking/cleaning etc for that fortnight, you can look after the baby, what will there be for your mum to do? Your DH can have the baby while you have a shower/a nap.

If this is going to ruin your Christmas, best you say something now- spell out there will be 2 adults already, you don't need a third and don't want anyone else there.

[fluffandsnuff]

I wasn't overly keen on having MIL or DM to stay, but then learnt I had to have a section late on (found out at 38 weeks, DS born at 39). MIL and DM stayed between them for about 4 weeks. I cried and begged my DM to come- I was so tired and in pain. DH was off for 2 weeks but I couldn't even change a nappy during that time and TBH needed my own carer! I think my example is quite extreme but things can change quite late on.

[WillowGreen]

Wow, so many different opinions. I don't mean to be offensive to anyone who has lost their mum.

I really do think it will be too much for me to have her there. She will think she is being helpful but it will stress me out. She has bought so much food for Christmas you can bearly shut the fridge and plans to buy more tomorrow. She will fill my house with junk. She is a massive hoarder and you can't move in the house.

The reason she thinks I won't cope is because I have had mental health problems but I am much calmer when I have my own space. When she sees me I am more stressed out.

I do love her dearly and will not say anything till after Christmas because I do not want to upset her in any way. We are going to decorate the spare room because obviously it is going to be the baby's room so there might not be any where for her to stay. I live at the other end of the country from her. She will have to stay in a hotel which could limit her visit to a normal amount of time.

[ZZZZ1111]

You don't know how you're going to feel until the baby is here. Why not say you'll see how you get on once the baby has arrived and will let her know then if you would like her to stay.

My mum came over for a few day trips but didn't stay over. I felt similar to you and wanted time for us to bond and work things out as a little family whilst my husband husband as on pat leave. Once he went back to work it was helpful having her come over and help out.

Try to keep things as flexible as you can!

[WillowGreen]

I know I won't change my mind thought. I am already quite stressed. She just assumes that because she wants something I will want it too.

I want a glass of wine.

[UnicornInDMboots]

I know you say you won't change your mind but.... I was adamant that it would be the first two weeks with just us three. I was absolutely insistent that my mum would come after DH went back to work off paternity.

Yeah...No.. I got my mum down after four days (because we went home after 4) as we were so exhausted and done in we couldn't function. I refused to let her leave for three weeks!

Honestly I would see how you feel after. I know you say you won't change your mind but I promise you and I would imagine many women would agree with me here - there's no way of knowing how you will feel after you have had your first child. It is life changing in an instant .... And I wouldn't upset anyone now as you may want their help!

[Millymollymanatee]

I understand how you feel Willow , I knew my own mind beforehand and I certainly didn't change it.

[Squiff85]

My Mum visited when the baby was born, but then stayed for a week when my husband went back to work. It was godsend, I cried when she left! She was a great help and good company, it can be very lonely x

[Millymollymanatee]

I guess it all depends how well you get on with your mum. Mine would have tried to instruct me on how to look after DS.

[parumpapumpuuum]

I don't think it would be a bad idea and second what alive said

They're a godsend if you get on with them and you know they'll be helpful.

Play it by ear

[Namechangebitch]

Depends how much use your DH is. Thirty years ago most men were useless but now most (some?) fathers really want to help.
I have seen some dads trying really hard to get to know their new babies and being pushed out by 'helpful' GPs.
You will need some help if your DH is off work, you both need to work out what works for you. On your own.

[WillowGreen]

My DP is brilliant and will probably be much better at looking after the baby than me so I do have good support.

[seven201]

If my mum were still alive I definitely wouldn't want her to stay as she would have driven me mad. I personally really valued having time just the three of us. I didn't like having visitors early on as getting to grips with breastfeeding isn't really visitor friendly and I felt the need to clean etc. I wouldn't have wanted to do that in front of even my mum, but maybe you're different. I do agree with what you say about needing time to bond without interfering help. I think you should be very firm and say that you want time just the three of you, but you will absolutely call her if you do need help. I had a c-section so wasn't particularly mobile but my dh had 2 weeks paternity leave which was amazing.

[Mouikey]

I totally changed my mind - initially I wanted the first two weeks to be the 3 of us - bonding and sniffing her head. However after a pretty chilled birth we were in hospital for a week. On day 2 I looked at my beautiful baby and realised for the very first time how my mum must have felt about me when I was born. She lives a plane ride away... I phoned and said if you want to come you can. It was lovely and really brought us closer together. She was also amazing with food prep and washing etc.

I'd strongly suggest (whatever you decide) to do a deep clean when you are able to - this has meant that both hubby and I have easily stayed on top of the cleaning!!!

Good luck, maybe say that you don't know how the birth will go and it might be better to wait until baby has arrived to make plans.

[Oysterbabe]

Yanbu.
I knew I wouldn't want anyone to stay after DD was born and that didn't change. I'm not someone who likes help or being fussed over and like to figure things out myself.

[fabulous01]

It depends on whether she will be a help or not! You will have your other half so I found I Needed help when he went back to work
But my mum isn't alive and my mother in law liked the sofa not helping so I banned her.
You need someone to make the dinners, help with housework and that you are comfortable with if breast feeding
Congratulations. Lovely times ahead