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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want my Mum to come to stay when I have the baby

111 replies

WillowGreen · 21/12/2016 14:38

I am 5 months pregnant with my first baby. My Mum has just announced that of course when I have it she will come and stay for a long as necessary to help look after the baby. I am worried that she will totally take over ( she has a habit of doing this).
I had hoped that when the baby is born we would have time just the 3 of us to get used to it all before lots of people crowded us ( obviously it would be nice to have people for a short visit, but this is not what she has planned).
I have told her I would prefer it if she just came for a short visit but she told me that I have no idea how hard it is looking after a newborn, and obviously I will change my mind once the baby is here.
How can I tell her no without ruining Christmas.

OP posts:
Chlandy · 21/12/2016 21:43

My mum was similar to this, which was more insulting as we're not that close and since I moved out with my partner in 2015, she's been to my house all of 3 times... But I know she meant well and was super excited about the baby... She also expected to be at the birth. Anyway, my beautiful boy was born in November, I made it very clear I did not want her at the birth, I explained it was nothing personal, but it was an important moment me and my partner wanted to share exclusively. Once I had him she was very full on wanting to visit every single day and then taking over when she did come, which was hard for me as he's my first and I wanted to cuddle him and do everything myself too! In the end after a couple of days I spoke to her husband and explained she was beginning to make me resent her and explained this time was important to me and my partner as we needed to bond with my son and whilst the odd visit would be lovely, she was suffocating me and i was beginning to resent her! He saw from my point of view, explained to my mum, since then she has completely backed off only visited when I've said and this has meant I've made an effort to visit her which she's loved as she has had quality time with her grandson, whilst I've enjoyed a hot coffee... That's my tale, so my advice would be - be honest! But in a nice way, not that you don't want her there, but that you don't want anyone there you need time to bond as a family and visits should be pleasant not resented or suffocation... Good luck :)

Cherrysoup · 21/12/2016 21:56

So you know already that she will stress you out, so be firm and tell her no. Mine would be great in the day, total trauma at night as she can't stop drinking.

Gymnopedies · 21/12/2016 22:00

good luck OP, I would try to keep it to a non commital :"I'll let you know once the baby is here".
The baby will likely want to live on your chest/in your arms for the first 3 months (3 years?). It's very intense but it's also a very unique bond.

marfisa · 21/12/2016 22:09

YANBU. My DM is stressful enough to have round in normal circumstances and there is no way in hell I would have had her round to 'help' just after the birth of my DC. All the posters saying 'my mother was a godsend' clearly had mothers who were very different to mine!

It's an important time when you should be able to bond with your new baby, not worry about the presence of a visitor in the house.

QueenLaBeefah · 21/12/2016 22:14

YANBU

unlike you I was too stupid to say no to my mum who stayed for 2 weeks and was a massive pain in the arse. Never again

Don't burn your bridges but you know your own mum best.

toomanypetals · 21/12/2016 22:27

Willowgreen - lots of people will tell you what a godsend their mum was but only you know what your mum is really like and how your relationship is. It sounds to me like you have big doubts.

Trust your instinct. I gave in to guilt and my adoptive mum came to stay when my first was born. It ruined that precious early time because our relationship was not great and all that came to the fore with the intensity of a new baby.

She wanted to hold my baby ALL the time. Wasn't interested in helping practically. Showed off when she settled him when I couldn't. Criticised the breastfeeding and made me paranoid he was hungry all the time.

This is ten years ago now but it still makes me feel sad. To be fair there was a lot of history and other factors but our relationship disintegrated and we're no contact now. I made sure she came nowhere near when my younger two were born.

Mine is an extreme example but if you have any such doubts PLEASE trust your gut. Maybe she could just visit? Not actually stay?

ILoveDolly · 21/12/2016 22:34

I normally can't stay in the same house as my mum for more than a couple of days but she has been welcome each time I've had a baby. She has taken up the slack of housework, cheered me out of dwelling on the discomforts and offered some conversation for my husband (and subsequently also some childcare for other kids). My most recent baby was born at home and the next day she was there to look after me and cooking a roast dinner. It was epic.

ILoveDolly · 21/12/2016 22:37

But if your mum is not likely to help then don't have her until you are ready. It can be a really intense time you won't be as able to cope emotionally as normal so make the decision now not later....

Minimincepies · 21/12/2016 22:43

Totally depends on how much help she'll be - my mum was an absolute hero, she made every meal for 10 days and stocked the freezer, did all the laundry, dishwasher, cleaning, shopping and looking after visitors, leaving me and DH to focus 100% on looking after the baby. I can't stress enough how invaluable that help was, if your mum is prepared to come and help in that way then you might regret refusing. But if your mum just wants to take over looking after the baby then YANBU, the first few weeks are so precious and you might find your baby pretty much wants to be glued to you 24/7 especially if you breastfeed, and it's an important time to bond.

MollyHuaCha · 21/12/2016 23:16

My MIL stayed. She had never given birth (DH was adopted) and her comments suggested she had no idea what I had been through with my 45 labour. She sympathized with DH "It was sooooo tiring for you, waiting for Molly to give birth...". She didn't help around the house, refused to wash up ("you have a dishwasher"), refused to load dishwasher ("I don't know how it works"). Instead I ended up making her endless cups of tea, doing her laundry and preparing meals for everyone. All she wanted to do was hold the baby. We couldn't wait for her to go!

apringle · 22/12/2016 00:27

Trust me, when the baby comes you'll be begging her to stay and help longer than she offered!

SantasTipsyHelper · 22/12/2016 01:12

Do you have anyone else nearby who is willing and able to help at short notice? If not, don't burn your bridges.

You never know how things will play out. I ended up with an EMCS (3rd floor flat, no lift), DD had an undiagnosed tongue tie, she lost 18% of body weight so had to be readmitted to labour ward for 5 days. When we came home DP had a severe case of man flu and was no help what so ever: he wanted me to wait on him hand and foot! My mum was staying in a nearby hotel and went home a couple of days after we were discharged from hospital. I wish I had had her to help for a couple of weeks.

BarbarianMum · 22/12/2016 01:21

I think you need to make it clear to her that if and when she comes to stay, she is there to look after you/help around the house, whilst you/dh look after the baby. My mum did this and it was amazingly helpful - I sat on the sofa and held/fed/gazed in wonder at ds1, dh did the cooking and dmum did everything else. She did get some cuddles but actually not that many. We made up for it on subsequent visits.

CheshireDing · 22/12/2016 07:52

YANBU OP.

I never understand when people say "oh you definitely will need your Mum there, you'll want her to stay longer etc". Maybe they did but it doesn't mean you will too (or won't).

You are right that initially it is an important time for you, DP and the new baby, you are the 3 priorities and want others wants comes further down the list.

We are on DC3 (now 7 months) and never had any Parental help. They definitely would have all wanted to but we prioritised us and the baby each time. DH had Parental leave of a couple of weeks each time and we shared the load (one takes the baby while the other has a quick shower/poo etc), it's important to feel chilled out, bf (if that is what you choose) and enjoy new snuggles in the nice quiet calm of your home.

Babies want calm not lots of constant house guests.

You may want her help in the end but it would be better to be able to ask for it then, rather than already have her then and wish she wasn't.

hatsandbagsandshoes · 22/12/2016 08:15

You may find it tough having a newborn, but then again, you may not. Please go with your gut instinct rather than feeling you must have your DM with you. I'm not sure why other posters insist you will not be able to cope without her. Many couples go it alone (as did I and DH), and it is all part of the learning experience. I loved having day visitors, and had offers from my DM to stay, but decided against that, and I'm really glad I did. We got by just fine (twice). Good luck!

Gollygeewhizztits · 22/12/2016 08:37

I agree with CheshireDing. Op won't necessarily want her mum there after the baby is born. When my dp finished paternity leave, it was just me and the baby. My mum and other people did visit, but mostly it was just the two of us and I preferred it like that. Gave me a chance to really get breastfeeding going properly, and to do things my own way. Some people might want someone to stay and help out, but not everyone does.

WonderWombat · 22/12/2016 08:48

It sounds to me as if the original poster knows her own mind and has a partner who will be able to be with her for the first two weeks. If someone hasn't had the best mental health, it seems particularly important that the people round her at the start offer support and reassurance.

If a parent doesn't actually give that reassurance - because they see it as an opportunity to show that they know best - , they may do more harm than good.

On a purely practical level too, what parents used to do is not always what is recommended now. So I had a lot of 'Oh breastfeeding's very difficult. You probably won't be able to do it.' 'She's not hungry again.' 'You're not feeding her again'. That sort of thing. If you are reasonably confident and this sort of thing is coming from a visitor who will be going in a few hours, then it's alright.' If you are fraught and the person saying this is living in the house, and saying no the midwives and health visitors are wrong' this is a really, really bad idea.

UnicornInDMboots · 22/12/2016 09:05

I'm not saying just because I wanted my mum there OP will.
I'm saying don't burn your bridges in case she changes her mind.
What if OP had a section , both her and DH are exhausted and they need a hand .. my DH is amazing and more than pulls his weight but that was our scenario and we needed help.
Ok maybe won't come to that or maybe OP won't change your mind all I'm saying is don't burn bridges

Thundercake · 22/12/2016 09:07

She's right in that you don't know how hard it is looking after a newborn, nothing can prepare you for the workload but.. you'll figure it out like everyone does!! And much easier to figure it out without a constant observer. I had MIL stay when I had DS and our relationship is irreparably damaged.

burblish · 22/12/2016 09:17

YANBU. There is nothing wrong with needing or wanting help after you have had a baby, but there is equally nothing wrong with NOT wanting or needing help, either. If it's forced on you against your wishes, then it's for the benefit of the person doing the "helping" and not you - that's the complete opposite of helpful! For what it's worth, my mother is completely respectful of my wishes and boundaries but I still didn't want anyone except my husband with any of my children, and I had c-sections each time. We could bond with our babies without interruptions. So, don't allow yourself to be guilted into it if it's not what you want.

Original poster
WillowGreen · 22/12/2016 09:33

The people who are saying oh you should let her come because she can do all the housework while you look after the baby. If your mum did that for you then lovely. I don't have the sort of relationship where I can tell her what to do.
She would try and take over looking after the baby because she loves babies. If she does do things in the house it will be stuff like rearranging my cupboards or cooking meat for DP because "I don't feed him properly"(I am vegetarian and we eat vegetarian at home).

She keeps talking about her friend who looks after her daughter's twins now she has gone back to work. I know she wants me to move nearer so she can do the same.
We are going to visit a friend this afternoon so at least I will get out of the house for a bit.

OP posts:
MagicMarkers · 22/12/2016 09:38

Looking after a newborn is hard. You're recovering from labour or c-section, trying to establish breastfeeding (which can be difficult) while not getting much sleep.

It really depends on whether or mother would actually be helpful and how much time your DH can take off. Could your mother come after your DH finishes paternity leave?

thethoughtfox · 22/12/2016 09:41

Why don't you tell her to come after DH paternity. You three need that time together.You mum might do all the things that your partner would do and he might not get the chance to be a dad. If she comes after this, you can just enjoy the extra help.

Timeforteaplease · 22/12/2016 09:44

Sounds like you know exactly what you want to do. So you should do it.
Thank your mum for her kind offer, but say you and DH would prefer not to have guests staying after the birth.
Keep repeating it until she gets the message.
If you are not going to tell her over Xmas be prepared to bite your lip whenever she talks about her visit - I bet it will be the main topic of conversation this year.

BlurryFace · 22/12/2016 09:48

Stick to your guns, OP. My mum is great with my boys, but no way would I have her to stay postpartum (or any other time, thank god she lives close enough not to require staying over visits). She is hypercritical and would spend the whole time going "why do you keep this here, why do you cook this, why do you wash dishes this way".

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