AIBU not to want my Mum to come to stay when I have the baby

[WillowGreen]

I am 5 months pregnant with my first baby. My Mum has just announced that of course when I have it she will come and stay for a long as necessary to help look after the baby. I am worried that she will totally take over ( she has a habit of doing this).
I had hoped that when the baby is born we would have time just the 3 of us to get used to it all before lots of people crowded us ( obviously it would be nice to have people for a short visit, but this is not what she has planned).
I have told her I would prefer it if she just came for a short visit but she told me that I have no idea how hard it is looking after a newborn, and obviously I will change my mind once the baby is here.
How can I tell her no without ruining Christmas.

My mum is saying the exact same thing. I've told her that my husband and I are having 2 weeks as a new family and then she is welcome to visit. She is staying for 2 weeks max. I've told her that too. She's convinced that she can hold and change the baby all the time and take it for walks while I nap. I've told her we will play it by ear. It will be stressful the first few days while I establish boundaries - but my mum lives 7 hours drive away so I'm trying to see if from her point of view. Only grandchild likely to be born and she's very excited. She can mollycoddle us both for a couple of weeks if that makes her happy.
I've had to put the 2 weeks boundary in place as dh family live very close by and they would be here the whole time so my dh would have no chance of spending time with his son/daughter.

I remember both me and my partner being in tears with exhaustion on day 4 and my mum walking in, picking up baby and somehow instantly settling him.

I had this too with my MIL. I think it's because both me and H had the mindset of "the baby is crying, OH NO THE BABY IS CRYING, I don't know why he's crying, what if I can't stop him crying, I AM A TERRIBLE PARENT". Whereas my MIL came in with the attitude, "The baby is crying, he obviously needs something, I will give him a cuddle and try some things until I find out what he needs". It was just way less fraught for her because she was one step removed and had confidence that she would figure out what the baby needed. That was actually very reassuring and calming for me.

OP - as a PP said, only you know your mum and whether she might actually be able to take care of YOU and give you a break, or whether she will simply stress you out more. If you know it's the latter, then do stand firm - although PPs are right that help can be a godsend, maybe your mum is not the person to provide that help. If you have money, you can even throw some of it at paying someone to be that help if needed.

Also, the PP who wheeled out the old "your mother will DIE SOME DAY" - seriously?? The fact that all mums will die some day doesn't mean that some mums aren't stressful and unhelpful, and that all mums can therefore do what they like when their daughters are exhausted and vulnerable.

My mother took over. She wanted to hold the baby constantly instead of doing cooking or cleaning

Nooo say no! My mum only lives about 10 miles away so she came over for the day to 'help' when DH returned to work.
God it was a nighmare. I had to fetch her because she couldn't drive or work out the bus timetables and obviously the ten minute walk from the bus stop was too much. Then she didn't do any housework and just kept fretting about the baby, is she too hot/cold/getting enough milk/lying properly etc etc. The. I ended up making her numerous cups of tea and listening to her stories about when she was a new mum.
That was over 22 years ago and I can still remember how bad it was.

I so understand you not wanting your mum around. I didn't want anyone other than DH, anywhere near me. Having someone else around would just have made things more stressful for me. I wanted to feed my baby, my way, which was breastfeeding. Mum bottle fed us. I wanted to be able to get to know my baby, to feed as often as I wanted to, to sleep and eat. DH was excellent, he made sure I had food and drink available all the time. My first DS was born just before Wimbledon started and I sat and fed and watched tennis. If my mother had been around it would have just been stressful, instead of a lovely relaxed time getting to know my new son.

Stick to your guns, put your foot down and do what's best for you.

Both sets of grandparents were on holiday for the first 2 weeks of DD's life. One left 2 days before she was born, the other was a day before. We had visitors pop in and check we were ok, but otherwise we were left to it and that's how we wanted it.

My second baby is a week old. With both babies my mum offered to take time off work to help out. Both times I've said thank you, but I'd prefer to work it out myself with dh. I know that there's no way I could cope with having someone (even my mum) here all day. My mum would help out if she was given the chance, but it's not what I wanted. If your mum is going to stress you out further, then I'd definitely put my foot down.

Word it positively. "Thank you for the offer. I'm going to see how we get on whilst dh is home, but if we start to find things getting difficult I'll ask for help".

Given half the chance I think dm and dmil would be here every day (even if not staying), but they know how independent I am, and I'm lucky that dh backs me up and will say no.

Bonding with your baby is so important, without the stress of other people.

Unless there's something more going on in the background on face value just don't go losing help you might need is all I'm saying.

Truthfully what you believe now and what you believe when the baby is here might not align.

Better to upset your mum when you know for certain imho

I have a 16 day old DD and DH went back to work on Monday. I have to say I've appreciated every second of my DM's help. Today is our first day without any help and I haven't even managed to get dressed or eat anything. DM did some take over-y things at the beginning (like asking everyone if they wanted to feed underweight DD) but tackle them head on and make it very clear what you want her to do (and not do) and you'll be fine. Use her company to sleep.

Can you not ask her to come for a few days after your DHs paternity leave ends.

Next time I have a baby no one is staying until breastfeeding is established (especially not you MIL, constantly going on about how nice it would be for you to give the baby a bottle when I was struggling with a baby with tongue tie. I persevered through the pain to spite her!). And really have no-one stay between days 2-5. Thats when baby blues and the hormones and the pain really kicks in and you'll be crying.

I am NC with my mum and can confrim that even a total baby novice (me) can cope without a mum when they have a baby. If you don't have a partner or for some reason they don't get paternity leave at all then it might be pretty tough but you can absolutely manage without having a parent come to stay for weeks after the birth.

Strikethrough fail. Sorry!

My mum isn't helpful. She and dad visited for afternoons and whilst they brought biscuits, I made the tea and coffee and generally "entertained" them while they cuddled the baby.

My PIL stayed when baby #1 was 3 weeks old. They didn't even make a cup of tea. They did, however, stand in the garden when I breastfed the baby

I made it clear that me and DH wanted a few days on our own with the baby. Both times. I didn't regret it.

Truthfully, you're not going to know how you feel until you've had your baby. I'd smile happily, and then say "we'll decide on when you're arriving mum, after i've given birth and we know how we are feeling - I'm so excited that you're coming to look after me and the house for a week while I look after my new baby" and make it really clear to her that she's going to be your support, while you and DP bond with your baby. My DD has had 3 - and each time, I've cooked tea, done the shopping, tackled the washing mountain, hoovered and supervised visitors. And left them to look after the baby and let them have very precious time together as a new family. Good luck with your baby.

To add: neither my parents or PIL offered to do any housework. Or cook. Or look after baby while I slept. Where do these helpful parents come from?!

I would say to her that you appreciate the offer very much, but you'd prefer if she came after dp has gone back to work. That will give you all time to settle in and bond properly and establish your own way of doing things.

My DD has had 3 - and each time, I've cooked tea, done the shopping, tackled the washing mountain, hoovered and supervised visitors. And left them to look after the baby and let them have very precious time together as a new family. Good luck with your baby.

Wow you sound fantastic galaxy. Can I have you?

If you know your mum won't be helpful just keep saying no & have her over for short bursts.
& only especially when you feel ready.

You won't know how you'll feel until baby is here which is true but that definitely won't change how helpful your DM can be!

The posters saying oh you're so lucky & my DM really get on my wick. Not everyone has normal parents.

I've got a similar problem in my DDad trying to work out when he comes up as I'll be trying to breastfeed with a toddler, OH can only do a week off & I'm looking a c section. So trying to work out when to have parents which is frustrating & none of them will help & sit around for tea when I have friends who will help & even make tea!

OP do it your way.

Galaxy are you free in Feb just wondering? Haha.

The way I put it to my Mum is to say that if there is an expert in the house then DH will just leave everything to her. If we are on our own he will have to muck in and I have just 10 days for him to learn to be hands on before he goes back to work. She saw the sense in that.

I absolutely loved my mum to bits, but I sent her home after I had my eldest (she wanted to stay) my DH had two weeks off and we needed that time to get used to being a family.
Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer when DD1 was a few months old, and died a month before DD2 was born. I would have give anything for her to still be around, but I still don't regret having that initial bonding time with just the three of us when DD1 was born.

If you think she won't be helpful and you don't want her to come (totally understand that) then, in order not to have a fight about it over Christmas, could you deflect a bit by saying, let's talk about it nearer the time and if she pushes say it's making you nervous making too many plans and you'd rather wait until the baby's arrived safely?

I very firmly told my mother I didn't want any visitors for a week after my ds was born. She decided I didnt mean her and badgered me with constant phonecalls while I was in labour. Then just turned up for 4days when I got home. She gloated to my dsis about being first to see the baby. I had to wait on her while she offered useless and contradictory advise. I envy my friends who have helpful dp and pil visiting often and being helpful.
I have 2ds now and did she offer to look after ds1 while I was in labour? It didnt cross her mind. (pil are 4hrs drive away and elderly).
Anyway, you know what sort of relationahip you have, but don't burn your bridges.

My mum was exactly the same - she booked annual leave for two weeks from my due date so she could come and stay with us to 'help with the baby' without ever asking if that's what we wanted her to stay with us! Thankfully, my DD was two weeks late and we ending up staying in hospital for 4 days afterwards so she wasn't able to take anymore leave!

When she brings it up just say, "Mum, we've still got x months until the baby comes, we've got plenty of time to make arrangements" or "I'm just focusing on Christmas and New Year, once we've got them over with DH and I will start to think about plans for visitors and guests when the baby comes" hopefully that should be enough to keep your mum at bay to get through Christmas without having to commit to her coming to stay or not.

To be honest I had similar feelings when my ds was born. I was wrong. I phoned her one day exhausted and she offered to come. It was bliss. She helped keep housework ok. She helped with bottles etc. Best of all she did aome nights so I could just go to bed. It was great. I would maybe be noncommittal at the moment and say that you are sure to need her at some point after your dp returns to work. If you then dont you can say that actually all fibe and no need.