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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to want my Mum to come to stay when I have the baby

111 replies

WillowGreen · 21/12/2016 14:38

I am 5 months pregnant with my first baby. My Mum has just announced that of course when I have it she will come and stay for a long as necessary to help look after the baby. I am worried that she will totally take over ( she has a habit of doing this).
I had hoped that when the baby is born we would have time just the 3 of us to get used to it all before lots of people crowded us ( obviously it would be nice to have people for a short visit, but this is not what she has planned).
I have told her I would prefer it if she just came for a short visit but she told me that I have no idea how hard it is looking after a newborn, and obviously I will change my mind once the baby is here.
How can I tell her no without ruining Christmas.

OP posts:
happychristmasbum · 22/12/2016 09:49

I think some posters have experiences where their DMS were really useful.

However, from what OP just posted, her DM isn't going to be making cups of tea and casseroles and making sure OP gets supported.

Sounds more like she will be elbowing OP out of the way and racing her to the baby every time it cries.

You know your mother and we don't. If you think she will be hindering you from bonding with your baby and interfering rather than helping, just tell her you definitely don't want anyone there whilst DP is on leave, and you will let her know around that time if you think you need any additional help.

Good luck Flowers

TheSkyAtNight · 22/12/2016 10:36

Trust your instinct. I had a section & managed with my partner - we had so much to learn together with our new baby.

redexpat · 22/12/2016 11:04

Actually Mum men get 2 weeks leave these days. If youd like to look after ME after that then that would be great, but I will be seeing to the babys needs.

PetrovaFossil1 · 22/12/2016 13:03

I didn't want (or have) mine to stay. Zero regrets, I loved having the time and space to get used to DS with just me and DH.
We ate a lot of takeaways and toast to begin though!

PetrovaFossil1 · 22/12/2016 13:06

Oh, and I had an emergency section. It was fine.
I just wanted space to sit around breastfeeding and not feel watched or judged or have anyone interfere.

ineedwine99 · 22/12/2016 13:11

It's hard to do but you need to be firm with her, both our sets of parents said the same thing, we just said your welcome to visit for a night or 2 but not for at least a week after baby arrives as we want time to adjust and enjoy our new baby. It can be hard with a newborn but you need to learn eventually.
Do what you both feel comfortable with, it's your baby and you can't get those first moments back

BeaveredBadgered · 22/12/2016 13:15

We didn't want anyone staying when our DD was newborn either and haven't had anyone stay to help since. She's 11 months now and it's been a brilliant year getting to know her and enjoying family life.
You can always change your mind and ask for help after your DC arrives but let people know you intend to get on with it just the three of you at first Flowers

Frazzled2207 · 22/12/2016 13:20

I remember well having a mini-meltdown both times when my dh returned to work after
Pat leave. Other than a short visit when baby is born, this is the best time for her to come and I would be surprised if you didn't welcome her at the time.
However do make it clear that she is not staying longer than you want her to (but reserve the right to change your mind!).
I do think mums go into "must help" overdrive when their daughters have a baby. Mine did, even though she wasn't particularly useful!

Blossomdeary · 22/12/2016 13:20

Do not get hung up on "bonding" - the baby will know where to turn for this.

I think that you seem most irritated by the fact that your Mum thinks you will not manage without her - it would get up my nose too.

It is swings and roundabouts. Having someone there who will cook, wash clothes, clean etc. is a godsend; but having someone there who takes over with the baby is a total pain. Your Mum needs to know her role - the baby is your (and your OH's role) - and hers is just to support in the background.

It is hard having a first baby and there are times when you feel uncertain and insecure and you need to be able to share that with your OH, rather than having "Supermum" breathing down your necks. If your Mum is there, it is very tempting to give in to those moments of insecurity and let her take over.

Tell her you are grateful for her offer and it would be lovely to see her for a couple of days when your OH has to return to work.

The problem here seems to be that she does not know her place!

When my last GC was born, I went round to DDs and the house was rammed with people. I stayed for about an hour and said that I would pop off now and let her get some rest, but be on the end of a phone if needed. She actually begged me to stay, to my amazement! - I think she was just inundated with in-laws and wanted one of her own there. I settled down on the bed beside her for a short while and just chatted a bit - it seemed to be what was needed.

But, without patting myself on the back too much, I think we knew our place and were happy to tread softly and recognise who the parents were - not us! I would just roll up with a meal then leave with the washing!

Perhaps you could try and make a list of those things your Mum could do that would be most helpful to you: food, washing, shopping etc. and present her with that - maybe she will get the message! She is going to be excited for you both, but needs to stand back a bit.

I would have gone apeshit if my Mum had barged in and taken over!!!

WillowGreen · 22/12/2016 14:22

I am a bit calmer now. My sister has managed to pursuade my Mum to remove some of the clutter so we have space to have Christmas dinner.
I am not very good at being the centre of attention and there has been a lot of that.
Tomorrow we are going to see Rich Auntie's new mansion so that should be another distraction.
Petrova Fossil I love your username. I would be more than happy to live on toast.

OP posts:
FloralBarbourCoat · 22/12/2016 14:38

YANBU OP. Im very close to my Mum but me and DH agreed she wouldnt come and stay as not to leave MIL pushed out as she would of complained.

We didnt even allow visitors for the first 3 days- hospital time and first day at home was our own

It is her grandchild and naturally she wants to be involved- but you and DP as his parents have the ultimate say

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