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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to say 'no devices' to my adult family on Xmas day?

181 replies

runlulurun · 21/12/2016 11:32

My parents, sister and young niece are coming to stay for a few days over Christmas.

What I would like to do is collect all phones when they arrive (including mine and DH's) and then let them have them at designated 'phone times' for says 10 minutes to check messages before putting them away again. But even I can see that may be a tad controlling given that they are aged 40-70 Grin

How can I discourage it? Dsis is absolutely glued to her phone at all times and DH and DF aren't much better and I find it incredibly annoying. How do I get them to put their phones/tablets down and get the fuck off facebook/twitter/bbc sport? I think they'd all enjoy themselves more if they were a bit more 'in the moment'

I think my sister already find me somewhat bossy and sanctimonious...Blush is there any way I can do it without my whole family thinking I'm a dick? We already have 'no devices at the table'.

Could i ask them to put their phones away for certain periods? Or ask them to keep their phones in a basket in the kitchen so they can go and check them whenever they want but dont just stare mindlessly at them out of habit?

Am I being a dick? Anyway I can achieve this without pissing everyone off?

OP posts:
EggnoggAndMulledWine · 21/12/2016 14:15

I'm on my mob loads but Xmas day it will be getting left in my bag and funnily enough I can always tell when I have had a good day or night when iv been out socialising as I have barely any pics and my mobs not came out my bag or even ran out and I haven't noticed and it gets turned on two days later when I recover.

I don't think you are expecting much for family to actually interact on Xmas day.

ArcticMumkey · 21/12/2016 14:27

My Dad and his partner did this when they hosted christmas, phones in a basket on entry. It was lovely, we had an actual camera to take photos on and no-one spent the day being glued to their phone/tablet.

It worked for us all as we were all in the same house but I can see how some would find it unworkable especially if they had older relatives that could call in an emergency etc.

limitedperiodonly · 21/12/2016 14:30

So it's not just all the adults standing round watching, the kids - they have to get off their butts and go and give granny a present and wish her happy christmas or whatever too.

People are not white rats in your laboratory.

Original poster
runlulurun · 21/12/2016 14:47

limitedperiodonly eh?

Is there something to be criticised in all members of the family exchanging presents and wishing each other happy Christmas? Are you are implying that I'm somehow being controlling in 'forcing' my children to be involved in the giving of presents too? Don't worry they really enjoy it and feel important giving out their gifts and wishes.

OP posts:
HeadElf · 21/12/2016 14:48

Hmm I see where you are coming from.
My sister is 26 and glued to her phone it's soooo rude we will be at a sit down dinner and in the middle of a conversation and she will pick up her phone and start messaging and completely ignore you.

I've said no phones at the dinner table this year, I'm hosting and if she can't go 45 minutes without it then she can have a nice dinner for 1 and FaceTime us after.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 21/12/2016 15:05

runlulurun you're not the only one who does it like this, don't worry. We have always had present time as something everyone is present (arf) for, with one person opening at a time. As kids we all had to be fully dressed for it too, with breakfast having been cleared away. No white rats in laboratories here...

HeadElf · 21/12/2016 15:13

How do you tell your guests no phones at the table? I mentioned it to Dsis and she glared at me.

SirChenjin · 21/12/2016 15:14

It's a house rule here - just glare back at her.

Dazydazy · 21/12/2016 15:33

Don't think it can be done, for all the reasons already given. At least you've managed to get them off the dinner table. Some of our lot lay them next to the napkins like they were f'ing life support machines. Oh look, here's as photo I just took of your wine! Hey, look everyone. I've got a pic of the wine, look...! Hey, now I've got a moustache on it!

I also particularly love it when people attempt to make conversation by asking a question about something like, how's your nightmare at work going? whilst scrolling idly up and down.... Ok, you're not really interested, I can live with that. Don't ask then.

I'm listening, they say. The ten minutes later they ask the same question...

Know exactly where you're coming from.

BarbarianMum · 21/12/2016 15:57

Well when dBiL tried to get his laptop out at the table to check emails (yes really) there was the collective indrawing of 10 sets of breath, and then we formed an orderly queue to tell him he was being spectacularly rude - the kids were the best at this, he's very quick to tell them to get off screens. Luckily for him MiL was still in the kitchen serving up the roast beast at the time.

It is just so not done in our family I can't tell you, at meal times at least.

Aki23 · 22/12/2016 13:41

Id rather leave than let you have my phone - I spend time communicating with family that cant be there. You would be better to ask because you want to do something as a family then actually do something and not just vegetate in front of the TV!

wanderings · 22/12/2016 14:43

Here's the party game: anyone who dares sneak their phone out of the confiscation basket will be blindfolded, and have to find their device on hands and knees, identify it from everyone else's, while the others quietly move it about, and Facebook you for the world to see, with the caption "On the naughty list for looking at phone during Xmas dinner" Xmas Grin Xmas Grin

More seriously, I would say that as long as there's plenty of time in the day when everyone can do what they like, asking for phones not to be out at the dinner table is fine. For some people, enforced jollity and interactivity is hard; I am from a family of introverts, and all of us would want to "disappear" sometimes on a day with lots of people around.

Even with the connectivity which is the modern age, the idea of being distracted during a meal is not that new. Thinking about family gatherings in the 90's, my brother (aged 10) had a habit of reading books during meals, I had a hand-held tetris game (although I didn't get it out while eating), dad would disappear for a smoke before, during and after meals; and I daresay teenagers have been known to disappear into the garage between courses for kissing and cuddling. Another teenager we knew would sometimes vanish, and later be found in the attic, book in hand. She said other people's bookcases were always much more fascinating than her own. A staple of my mum's 25th December would be going for a walk to look at neighbours' decorations once night had drawn in; this had to be on the day itself. Guests would sometimes be glad to go with her, to escape the madness. (When the Nintendo Wii came out, living rooms were full of people waving their arms about!)

We also had a somewhat grand French relative, and meals would be long sit-down affairs. We as children were trained to wait for a non existent pause in the conversation, and ask "puis-je me lever de table" when we wanted to return to our devices (given to us as presents by said relative!).

I remember (with frustration) that the handing out of presents was artificially ponderous, and kept on being delayed in the day as well. My brother would wear the abomination that is a Santa hat, and hand them out one at a time. We never had the tumbling out of bed on Christmas morning and madly unwrapping that the Famous Five did (and my parents didn't do stockings).

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 15:53

Here's the party game: anyone who dares sneak their phone out of the confiscation basket will be blindfolded, and have to find their device on hands and knees, identify it from everyone else's, while the others quietly move it about, and Facebook you for the world to see, with the caption "On the naughty list for looking at phone during Xmas dinner"

Wow - humiliating AND controlling....

I would suggest that people often look at their phones when they are bored, so perhaps ensure that they aren't bored, rather than playing some stupid and humiliating game.

If someone posted that on Facebook I would think they were a dick.

wanderings · 22/12/2016 16:14

Sorry, forgot to put "lighthearted" there. Nowhere have I seen such a game happen! I must have been trying to type discreetly without being noticed. Xmas Grin

Christmasmice · 22/12/2016 16:32

Op I think you sound lovely. If I was hosting christmas I'd be more than cheesed off if my family spent a large part of the day on their devices. Doing so a little is nice but otherwise, no!
I have had a friend come over for coffee after we hadn't seen each other for months and she whipped out her phone and spent the whole time texting while we were trying to have a conversation. She barely looked up from it. It was so rude. I also sat in a pub recently and every single person in the room was on their phone. Including every member of a party of 5 (clearly a family) who really barely spoke to one another for their entire lunch.
The world has gone mad. I'm not sure you can stop your family doing what they're doing but I think you know that already. Personally I'd wear a comedy apron and a comedy hat and every time someone gets their phone out you play a penalty piece of Christmas music very loudly and start dancing around. That or invite Dom Joly over with his massive phone.

Christmasmice · 22/12/2016 16:32

Doing so a little is *fine. Not nice!

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 22/12/2016 16:33

Christ on a bike, you shouldn't have needed to put "lighthearted".

Livia I do believe you forgot to write " wow, just....wow Hmm "

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 19:55

Sadly it's the type of thing that wouldn't surprise me on here sometimes

Hysterectical · 22/12/2016 20:24

You sound utterly ghastly and I for one would be grateful of advance warning so I could cry off.

Only1scoop · 22/12/2016 20:29

Aww Op I think you are getting some harsh responses on here, rock up here for my antique Christmas and leave them all to itWink

limitedperiodonly · 22/12/2016 20:48

Why not restrict xmas day to people who are like you OP? There seem plenty of takers on this thread. Sack off your family and go for them.

I genuinely mean it.

helennotsomadnow · 22/12/2016 21:03

it drives me mad when I am out for a meal with people, or they come round for coffee and they are on their phone, its rude, it sends the message that you are not important.

having said that people do like to keep in contact so you cant take phones off people, but I would ask that people don't have phones/devices at the table or during present opening,

this is so true

WIBU to say 'no devices' to my adult family on Xmas day?
FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 22/12/2016 21:11

We have a generally household rule. No phones while we're eating/in the kitchen or in the same room as the TV so limits the children so they're not non-communicative. How you deal with adults rude enough to be on their phones during a family gathering I don't know. Good luck!

Jydel · 22/12/2016 21:18

Even my teens know if there's a gathering they are expected to make conversation. Phones only if there's a lull - not at the table, not while people are chatting. Surely there ''s no time on Xmas day anyway? People are either cooking, helping cook, clearing up, helping clearing up, chatting, playing games etc?

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 22/12/2016 21:27

Sorry guys another one who hates enforced fun

Makes me itchy.