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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to say 'no devices' to my adult family on Xmas day?

181 replies

runlulurun · 21/12/2016 11:32

My parents, sister and young niece are coming to stay for a few days over Christmas.

What I would like to do is collect all phones when they arrive (including mine and DH's) and then let them have them at designated 'phone times' for says 10 minutes to check messages before putting them away again. But even I can see that may be a tad controlling given that they are aged 40-70 Grin

How can I discourage it? Dsis is absolutely glued to her phone at all times and DH and DF aren't much better and I find it incredibly annoying. How do I get them to put their phones/tablets down and get the fuck off facebook/twitter/bbc sport? I think they'd all enjoy themselves more if they were a bit more 'in the moment'

I think my sister already find me somewhat bossy and sanctimonious...Blush is there any way I can do it without my whole family thinking I'm a dick? We already have 'no devices at the table'.

Could i ask them to put their phones away for certain periods? Or ask them to keep their phones in a basket in the kitchen so they can go and check them whenever they want but dont just stare mindlessly at them out of habit?

Am I being a dick? Anyway I can achieve this without pissing everyone off?

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 21/12/2016 12:20

I would ask them to please ignore their devices during the meal.
Other than that, it's their Christmas Day too.

I used to go to DSis's on CD but I used to have to sit with the family all day with their chat, their telly choice, boisterous kids, no tea/coffee, light on too low to read, no lights in bathroom (with little boys pee on seat) and no bog roll. Yes she'd gone to a lot of trouble but it was not much fun. As the black sheep, DF would blame me for "ruining Christmas for everybody".
So glad to not be doing that any more.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 21/12/2016 12:20

I do wish though, that in the day time, they would properly engage with the day.

But what is "properly engaging with the day"?

Yes, they should engage with their own children wrt presents and new toys but then what? Once the children are happily playing?

How long does it take to offer drinks and provide them? 10 minutes of it involves boiling a kettle? Then what?

Have a conversation? Great if your a family who have lots to talk about, but if your interests and outlook are wildly different from the rest of your family, how long can you have limited conversation for?

So it's board games? Which some people will find as irritating as others find phone use.

Assuming people with young children are up for about 16 hours on Christmas Day, that's a lot of engaging.

dollydaydream114 · 21/12/2016 12:21

I think they'd all enjoy themselves more if they were a bit more 'in the moment'

I think there's a strong sense of 'What's best for me it's what's best for everyone and I know people better than they know themselves' about this. I think you need to just accept that what to you is mindless gawping at phones is, for other people, a social activity.

I wouldn't ever look at my phone at the dinner table or whatever but periodically on Christmas Day I'll pick up my phone to wish friends a happy Christmas and post/like a few festive pics etc. For example, I love seeing photos of my friends and relatives having fun on Christmas Day, especially their kids with their new toys etc. For me, that's nice, but I appreciate it's not everyone's thing.

You might also want to consider that sometimes people are on their phones because it keeps them sane. Has it occurred to you that if your sister finds you bossy and sanctimonious, she might be using her phone as a distraction from that?! One year someone I follow on Twitter practically live-tweeted throughout Christmas Day as her only means of venting about a difficult relative she was spending the day with ... she was good-humoured about it, but it was really just helping her to vent without snapping at the relative in question. Basically, don't be that difficult relative!

I also think that if you want people not to use their phones you have to find things they'll enjoy. For some families that might be a game or something, for some it might be pitching in to help with the cooking, and for some it might be setting down to watch a film together or just going for a walk. Suggest something and see how it goes down. But equally, if people don't want to join in, don't force them. Not everyone responds to enforced 'fun' and some people just like to chill out and relax a bit, which might for them include reading the BBC website or sending Facebook messages. I'm fairly moderate phone user but if someone told me, an adult woman, that I wasn't 'allowed' to have my phone I'd be incredibly irritated; it's treating adult relatives like children and trying to orchestrate the day around what you want rather than what suits everyone else.

Original poster
runlulurun · 21/12/2016 12:21

Ok, I will be more respectful of the fact that for some people enjoying Christmas is about relaxing in their own world and not joining in.

And yes I am totally one of those people who makes my family play games Blush. I will back off on this too, perhaps in exchange for a bit less mobile phone use.

What I don't understand though, and maybe someone can explain to me. When i harass them into playing a game, (and i know I do this) they do seem genuinely enjoy themselves. Lots of laughing and saying what a lovely evening they had. It seems to me that they can't be bothered because it's easier to just watch tv, browse the internet, whatever but if made to then they enjoy it.

Genuine question, people who hate games and joining in, do you appear to hate it when actually doing it?

OP posts:
Sprink · 21/12/2016 12:22

OP, all is not lost.

The consensus seems to be you're a dick Hmm if you ask family to engage with each other rather than their phones, but remember it's totally acceptable on mumsnet to make them spend the day with are feet.

Sprink · 21/12/2016 12:22

*bare feet

MTWTFSS · 21/12/2016 12:25

YANBU! (In my opinion)

limitedperiodonly · 21/12/2016 12:25

Am I being a dick? Anyway I can achieve this without pissing everyone off?

Presuming you meant to transpose I and can

  1. Yes
  2. No
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 21/12/2016 12:26

Genuine question, people who hate games and joining in, do you appear to hate it when actually doing it?

Nope... I will give it my all and pretend to enjoy it, hell I will try hard to actually enjoy it, and who knows maybe sometimes I will. It would depend largely on what the game was tbh.

MrsMattBomer · 21/12/2016 12:26

You sound like a dick. I certainly wouldn't be coming to yours. We don't have devices whilst we're eating but the rest of the day is fine - why wouldn't it be?

limitedperiodonly · 21/12/2016 12:27

What I don't understand though, and maybe someone can explain to me. When i harass them into playing a game, (and i know I do this) they do seem genuinely enjoy themselves.

They are humouring you. Try it.

MrsMattBomer · 21/12/2016 12:28

Are you the type of person that creates enforced fun? E.g. everybody must play games? If so, I can see why they're on their phones all the time...

Lorelei76 · 21/12/2016 12:28

" I don't understand why people even bother turning up if they prefer being on their phone all day."

because people get upset when you say you want to stay home.

yes I pretend to enjoy games. I can hardly say "piss off, this is boring" can I?

MikeUniformMike · 21/12/2016 12:29

OP, it sounds like everyone enjoys CD at yours. Encourage them to join in by all means, but ignore the device usage if you can. Have a lovely Christmas.

TheNaze73 · 21/12/2016 12:29

Forced fun.

Nothing worse Hmm

NathanBarleyrocks · 21/12/2016 12:31

I only check my phone if I'm bored & on my own. I think it is really sad when you see couples sat together in a pub/café/restaurant & they aren't talking to each other as they are glued to their phones. I always assume their relationship won't last very long if they are so bored with each other.

Lorelei76 · 21/12/2016 12:31

also, if you limit phone usage I wonder if they will increase alcohol intake? I'm not much of a drinker but I do have some at Xmas to take the edge off boredom.

Original poster
runlulurun · 21/12/2016 12:31

The PP who said it sounds as though I think I know people better than themselves - Perhaps you are right and I shouldn't do this.

And perhaps the poster who said maybe my DSis is on her phone so much to avoid her awful, bossy, boring family, well perhaps you are right too. I hope not though.. Blush

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 21/12/2016 12:32

I don't like party games. Not everyone does.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 21/12/2016 12:32

I am going to suggest to SIL that she turns off the WIFI on Christmas Day otherwise the PILs will spend the whole day pecking away at devices. It's just bad manners, in my opinion.

YANBU.

viques · 21/12/2016 12:40

You could always ask BT to send their engineer called Dave round. He came to sort out my landline last week, and kindly fitted some new gizmo which means that I can now have broadband or a phone , but not both at the same time. clearly I have chosen broadband, but with Daves magic touch you could unplug and express surprise.......

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 21/12/2016 12:40

If you want people to play games (and despite what I've said there's no harm in asking) go for games that are quick and easy. Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly, etc are the worst.

Chaotica · 21/12/2016 12:41

OP. I sympathise. Anything more than fairly minimal phone use is really rude. That probably makes me a dick too. But then I have experience of xDP sitting looking at porn on his phone all day while his own DCs can't even get his attention, so I may be touchier about this than most.

I've also spent quite a few celebrations with with orthodox Jews who ban all devices on holidays as a matter of course. People are forced to talk! It's great. There's a lot to be said for it. (You can sit quietly with a book if you want though -- joining in is not mandatory.)

Herhighness · 21/12/2016 12:42

I think the most you can insist upon is no screens at the table, that being any mealtimes not just dinner. Other than that I think it's just something we all have to put up with nowadays.

SirChenjin · 21/12/2016 12:42

Genuine question, people who hate games and joining in, do you appear to hate it when actually doing it?

It's not so much the games I hate as being told 'we are playing this game because I have said so and you will love it, and because I have deemed anyone who wants to sit and watch that TV programme they've been looking forward to marks them out as someone who is intellectually inferior and lacking in motivation'. I'm happy to play games for a bit, just as I'm happy to watch TV, pick at food, play with the kids presents, and all sorts of other things.