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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to say 'no devices' to my adult family on Xmas day?

181 replies

runlulurun · 21/12/2016 11:32

My parents, sister and young niece are coming to stay for a few days over Christmas.

What I would like to do is collect all phones when they arrive (including mine and DH's) and then let them have them at designated 'phone times' for says 10 minutes to check messages before putting them away again. But even I can see that may be a tad controlling given that they are aged 40-70 Grin

How can I discourage it? Dsis is absolutely glued to her phone at all times and DH and DF aren't much better and I find it incredibly annoying. How do I get them to put their phones/tablets down and get the fuck off facebook/twitter/bbc sport? I think they'd all enjoy themselves more if they were a bit more 'in the moment'

I think my sister already find me somewhat bossy and sanctimonious...Blush is there any way I can do it without my whole family thinking I'm a dick? We already have 'no devices at the table'.

Could i ask them to put their phones away for certain periods? Or ask them to keep their phones in a basket in the kitchen so they can go and check them whenever they want but dont just stare mindlessly at them out of habit?

Am I being a dick? Anyway I can achieve this without pissing everyone off?

OP posts:
Artandco · 21/12/2016 11:43

No that's silly. If your chatting and paying game an doubt walking busy they aren't likely to be glued to phone bored anyway.

On Xmas day family members not there are likely to want to call or message briefly.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 21/12/2016 11:43

Your best bet is to make it fun to not be on their phones. I've been through enough Christmases in my life to know that that is unlikely.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 21/12/2016 11:44

I think you'd be within your rights to ask politely and say 'no phones at the dinner table' but not to take their phones from them when they arrive Shock I'd think you'd gone mad to do that to grown adults.

harderandharder2breathe · 21/12/2016 11:44

I think no phones at the dinner table is ok but you can't ban adults from doing something they enjoy that isn't hurting anyone else

What you need to do is engage with them so they don't want to use their phones

LastChristmasIwasFat · 21/12/2016 11:45

Dick move sorry!

It is everyone's Christmas and if they enjoy checking the phone/texting/Twitter whatever then why can't they do that?

Say no devices during your turkey dinner that is fair enough I don't think anyone would argue with that but as for the rest of the day an adult is able to decide what they want to do

Satisfactorylemon · 21/12/2016 11:46

I see your point BUT it's really controlling to actually request it.

YANBAD For wishing it
YABAD if you actually ask them this.

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2016 11:46

I don't understand why you feel that if it annoys you but they enjoy it your way should be the way to go and you should be able to force them to do what personally makes you happy and screw then?

Of course you can't tell grown adults when to use their devices throughout the day. 😳

Original poster
runlulurun · 21/12/2016 11:46

Ha, it's ok I realise it is a bit controlling and dickish! Mainly I would like them to put their phones away when we are opening presents round the tree, and then I dunno actually look at what the children have got for Christimas, help them open things, set them up, maybe actually play with them Shock. They could come in the kitchen see if anything needs doing, offer drinks etc. All the things involved in actually celebrating Christmas with your family. It's really irritating when you have to say things twice to adulta because they are so engrossed in their phones.

I think if they used them a normal amount it wouldn't be an issue. I don't know anyone who is as glued to their phone as DSis. Her daughter even complains to her about it and rolls her eyes. It annoys me when DH does it because he is my DH Grin

I'm not beong serious about confiscating them and letting them only have them at designated time. I'm just fantasising about how it would be if I ruled the world Grin

I am serious though about whether I can do anything to reduce it.. Especially the habitual checking that happens every 10 seconds if your phone is already in your hand.

OP posts:
YouHadMeAtCake · 21/12/2016 11:46

Of course you can't. I agree with turning the wifi off if you're that fussed. I think you can definitely say apart from photos,there should be no phones in use at the dinner table. You can't take phones from people, I would never give my beloved iPhone to anyone.

HelpImAfish · 21/12/2016 11:48

I think you was extremely bossy!

No phones at the table perfectly acceptable as people shouldn't be using phones at dinner tables anyway. But you can't take the phones away or say no fun, They are adults and can think for themselves.

Remember if you make the day fun and the conversation isn't fucking boring then they will be entertained and won't remember to use phones

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 21/12/2016 11:48

I really think you'll just have to accept it, unfortunately other adults do not always act the exact way you might want them to.

ParadiseCity · 21/12/2016 11:49

Maybe you could outphone them... take lots of pictures of them glued to their phones and put them on Facebook. Text them when dinner is ready. Etc

Ginslinger · 21/12/2016 11:49

I would turn the wifi off and I would definitely ban them at the table - that's a definite no-brainer - short of someone being on call for work or being in the middle of an emergency, no one needs a phone at the table

yorkshapudding · 21/12/2016 11:50

You can't invite people into your home and then confiscate their belongings without looking like a dick, sorry! Xmas Grin

But I think no phones at the dinner table is just good manners so YANBU to pull people up on that.

Batteriesallgone · 21/12/2016 11:50

You could take lots of photos of opening presents time, oh can I get a photo of you and your DS (whoever) playing with that new toy...

They may well think oh it's a photo I better look engaged and in the moment and put their phone down. And hopefully it might stay down for a bit

Means you can't be as in the moment though because you are taking photos!!

Lorelei76 · 21/12/2016 11:51

bloody hell
I hate Xmas now but before the internet I would be in tears most of the week leading up to it

leave them alone. I think no phone at the table is fair enough but that's about it.

yorkshapudding · 21/12/2016 11:51

Maybe discreetly turn the WiFi off during present opening then turn it back on again? You shouldn't really have to do this, but if they're going to act like teenagers then I'd be tempted.

Somerville · 21/12/2016 11:52

No of course you can't take their phones off them like you're the teacher and they're your pupils.

But YY to turning off wifi - we're doing that this Christmas. Also to having plenty of playing cards and good board games around.

Incidentally, do you keep TV to a minimum at Christmas? The only time I would pull out my phone at someone else's house - beyond essentials - is if they are watching something I dislike on the TV.

Also make sure you don't have any chargers lying around for people to use downstairs.

dingdongthewitchishere · 21/12/2016 11:52

I find it incredibly rude if anyone only comes for the day but still find the need to use their phone to go on social media. Facebook/twitter/snapchat/instagram (insert your own...) are not going to collapse because you don't log in for a few hours, and I use all of them privately and for work. I don't understand why people even bother turning up if they prefer being on their phone all day. It's just as bad as people coming to see you and turning on the TV to watch something! (I had that once, even my tv-addict children were speechless).

That said, I don't have a solution. You can turn off the wifi (and you should) but that won't stop them going online. Many people have contracts with nearly unlimited access nowadays. I wouldn't go into an argument about it. I also use my phone as a camera, so I keep mine with me and use it, but it's obvious I am taking photos with it! We go on Skype at Christmas to have a chat with any of my sister who couldn't make it that day, but that's different.

Good luck! Just ignore them when they are on their phone, hopefully it won't spoil your Christmas too much.

NotAPuffin · 21/12/2016 11:52

I'd kill the wifi. I can't imagine christmas day with everyone ignoring each other like that.

Coffeegivemecoffee · 21/12/2016 11:53

You can't do it without looking like a right old bossy boots!

No phones at the table, absolutely fine as that is good manners.

As for the rest of the day, they are adults and will decide what they want to do, rember it's there Christmas too!

You don't want to use your phone at Christmas Fine bug you can force adults to be just like you because your way is in your option how it should be

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 21/12/2016 11:53

Play with someone else's children? Set toys up? Fucking hell, I can barely stand that with my own.

That is probably not their idea of a fun Christmas! Grin

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 21/12/2016 11:54

YANBU. You need to turn off the router, but that won't stop the 4g working if they have that, but you are making a point. Definitely no mobiles at the table, that is just good manners.

It is downright rude for everybody to sit on their phones on facebook ignoring the actual real live people in front of them! We had this last year, I can be guilty of it myself at times, but it has to stop. A roomful of people all ignoring each other because they are on their mobiles. It's a sad world we live in now.

0nline · 21/12/2016 11:55

In order to get the kind of Christmas I enjoy, we stay at home, just the 3 of us. Always. Cos the three us share very similar ideas about what a good Christmas is.

I love my sister, I really really do, but she is all "board games", "communal FUN ," and layer upon layer of traditions. That look like rigid rules about present opening, and eating, and doing things she likes. Which leaves us three feeling like we've been run over by a manic, dictatorial, glitter obsessed elf who needs its licence revoked.

Honestly, if you and you guests have such different ideas about what a good and enjoyable Christmas looks like and what it should contain/be devoid of, I think a better time would be had by all if it were done separately, And then meet up just for a few hours on the day after the important bits, or on boxing day.

Actually, I think MN would lose 60% of its annual "I'm really unhappy with my Christmas" xmas day threads if people stopped inflicting opposing ideas of a good time on each other in the name of "family closeness is being all together"... while resenting each other for doing Christmas wrong.

Katinkka · 21/12/2016 11:55

Why turn off the wifi? They'll all have their own data plans most likely and as long as they're not watching YouTube it won't make any difference. I've never asked anyone for the wifi code. Even my iPad has its own connection.